How to Pick!!

porsha810

I have a good friend from HS, but over the laast 3 yrs we've had alot of ups & downs & I don't feel as close to her.  I have since met 2 girls that mean alot to me ... and one who would meet my MOH criteria...how do I pick one over the other.  Has anyone dealt with this??  I'm struggling b/c I don't want to hurt feelings, but know it's suppose to be my day!

HELP!!

MyNameIsNot

Your MOH should be your closest friend in the whole world.  Who is the first person you'd call if something bad happened?  That's her.  If you really don't have that person, you can have two MOHs or no MOHs.

My rule of thumb for BMs is that they should be the people you'd have to call within an hour if something big happened, like getting engaged.  If you aren't good friends with someone anymore, they don't need to be a BM.

saisongbird

What do you mean by MOH criteria...it doesn't matter where they live, or what they can "do" for you, since you shouldn't be asking them to DO anything for your wedding other than buy a dress and show up.

Your MOH's name should jump into your head after about 2 seconds of thinking.  If it doesn't, don't have an MOH.

porsha810

I meant criteria as someone I know I can count on to help me...not monterary expenses, but just geniunely be there for me.

I have one picked in my head but worried about everyone else which I'm sure is a common problem!

aerinpegadrak

Help you with what?  You're planning a party, not going to war.  It's supposed to be a happy time.  If you're expecting it to be that trying, you should either hire a wedding planner or scale way, way back.

Your MOH needs to show up, clean and sober, in the right dress and smile for pictures.  Anything else she chooses to do is just gravy.  Don't pick someone based on who you think will do the most for you.

mbcdefg

Your bridesmaids should be your dearest friends, and your MOH should be your absolute closest friend. That is her only "criteria."

Ditto aerin on the whole "being there for you" thing, in that you may be thinking the role is more serious than it actually is. Remember that your bridesmaids will act no differently during your engagement than they did before the ring went on your finger. So expect nothing more from your BMs than to get the dress, be in the wedding, and act like themselves ... meaning, if they're always the type to offer help, they will probably continue to do so now (as long as you treat them nicely and fairly). If they were never the type to go out of their way for you, then they won't be changing their ways now.

Remember - the less you expect from people, the more you will be pleasantly surprised when they do more (and the less disappointed you will be when they don't do much, or anything).

stina93446

[QUOTE]I meant criteria as someone I know I can count on to help me...not monterary expenses, but just geniunely be there for me.
Posted by porsha810[/QUOTE]

<div>The person who should help you with being there for you should be your fiance.</div>

mbcdefg

I'm also wondering if you think wedding planning is going to be a stressful, painstaking ordeal, during which you'll be crying and confused a lot and running to your friends for support. 

Look - everyone's been there. Some people get more stressed out than others. Even the calmest people have their moments ... I like to think that wedding planning's been easy and generally stress-free for me (mainly because we're trying to keep it simple), but I admit that there have been a couple times where I've gotten upset over stuff or argued with FI, and I've certainly overreacted to things that I shouldn't have.

But, generally, planning is only going to be as stressful and complicated as YOU make it. The more you take on, the more you're going to have to worry about, plan for and pay for; and the more things that you take on, the more potential there is for something to go wrong. And if you go into planning with an attitude of, "Everything has to be PERFECT!" then you will almost certainly disappoint yourself. Especially if are expecting people (loved ones, namely) to act a certain way.

A general rule of wedding planning is that someone will eventually let you down. It might be that parents don't follow through on monetary promises, friends don't show as much interest as you'd like, someone declines to attend for no apparent reason, whatever.

Remember that you're planning a PARTY. Parties should be fun, happy things ... not things where you require a support system. It's great if friends offer to help, and it's fine to politely ask them to help you once in a while ... just don't expect the world from them, because you will be upset when they can't give it to you.

banana468

Remember, the only MOH criteria that needs to be met is that she's the closest one to you.

Beyond that, if you'd like these people standing up there for you then ask them.  :-)

leah51

I had a small BP 5 in total including a Jr. bridesmaid and I had two of them as my MOH my best friend in the whole world and my sister.  I agree with you, with adding in the support I think at times here we tend to overlook the added support that our closest friends give us when needed.  As much as you can look to your FI for support during the planning process does/will he REALLY enjoy picking out flowers, or talking about accent colors, and centerpieces, not so much.  But I agree your MOH should def. be that person who you call in an instant for the good and the bad.  Or have both of them as your MOH.  My friend got married last year and had 2, my sister had 2, and even my co-worker had 2. 

porsha810

I appreciate the feedback but noticed how many people wrote:

"They are expected to do anything, but get a dress & be there!!"

Well duh, but maybe I'm the only one who has friends that want to help, such as moral support, etc...that's why these people are my friends & why it's hard to chose just one to be a MOH.  I don't expect any of them to do anything but if I need to ask a question or an opinion then I want to make sure I have the right people with me who I feel comfortable with.

I've read may posts & "most" everyone is kinda abrupt...don't expect, they aren't suppose to do anything, your fiance should be there...etc!  I was asking for some friendly advice & was hoping to hear about what other people did...I get that no one but me & my fiance are suppose to pay & decide, but I would suggest a lighter approach & not such a cut throat response.

Just my opinion, but thank you all for the words/advice.

porsha810

By the way I think I'm just going to go with ALL BM to make it easy for everyone involved!!!

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pick?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7393a7ed-6dda-43e0-a6ac-d713adcad0adPost:7857841a-203e-4e0b-ab41-c53e16104d05">Re: How to Pick!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate the feedback but noticed how many people wrote: "They are expected to do anything, but get a dress & be there!!" Well duh, but maybe I'm the only one who has friends that want to help, such as moral support, etc...that's why these people are my friends & why it's hard to chose just one to be a MOH.  I don't expect any of them to do anything but if I need to ask a question or an opinion then I want to make sure I have the right people with me who I feel comfortable with. I've read may posts & "most" everyone is kinda abrupt...don't expect, they aren't suppose to do anything, your fiance should be there...etc!  I was asking for some friendly advice & was hoping to hear about what other people did...I get that no one but me & my fiance are suppose to pay & decide, but I would suggest a lighter approach & not such a cut throat response. Just my opinion, but thank you all for the words/advice.
Posted by porsha810[/QUOTE]

Well, you're correct in that most/all of us would expect our dearest friends to be there for us. I doubt anyone will argue with you about that.

However, I think the point that a lot of people are trying to make (and maybe this should be added as a disclaimer to the "Don't expect the world from your friends" mantra that a lot of us have been repeating) is that your friends are only going to continue be themselves throughout the planning process. Flakes are always going to be flakes, selfless friends will usually remain selfless and will probably do nice things for you (unless something bad happens), girls who always spend their paychecks on beer and handbags will probably be the ones telling you that they can't afford the BM dress the night before the payment's due, etc.

Much of the "Don't expect more than the dress and showing up at the ceremony" talk is addressed to girls who come here and whine that they didn't get the shower or bachelorette party that they "deserve" (gag), that the flaky friend once <em>again</em> flaked out on plans (surprise surprise), that someone should be booted from the wedding party because she didn't attend the engagement party (WTF?). Most good friends will do more than get the dress and show up to the wedding, yes, but the point is that that is all they are REQUIRED to do as bridesmaids. So many brides come here and say, "Well, my BM was always a flake, but I thought that since I made her a bridesmaid she'd start caring about my wedding enough to stop being a flake!" Wrong.

As far as the "cut throat" comment - overdramatic much? You need to realize that just because you didn't get the responses you were expecting r hoping for, doesn't mean that people are mean or out to get you. People here are blunt, sure, but "blunt" and "cut throat" are two completely different things.

If you want people to agree with whatever you say, however, I would suggest posting on your club board and maybe your local board. They're usually more into the "We should support each other above all else!" and "Don't post unless you have a positive opinion!" mentality, rather than actually giving real opinions (even the ones that may not be what the OP wants to hear).

banana468

Porsha, I don't think the responses are cut throat.

Brides come on here all the time thinking that what's written in a wedding magazine is something that their BMs need to follow to the letter.  The ladies here are just trying to say that you need to think about your friendship and not what you think you can get out of your friends when you are thinking of choosing a bridal party.

The planning experience for me was a ton of fun because I didn't feel like my BMs were there to do stuff.  Everything was wonderful that they did because they wanted to do those things - and not because I expected them to do those things.

Hope that helps!

porsha810

mbcdefg :

As far as the "cut throat" comment - overdramatic much? You need to realize that "just because you didn't get the responses you were expecting r hoping for, doesn't mean that people are mean or out to get you. People here are blunt, sure, but "blunt" and "cut throat" are two completely different things."

Wow...maybe a wrong choice in words. I must have offended you & I apologize.  I have read many of the prev. posts of the whiny girls that expect too much from people, but not every girl is that girl...I'm not, but felt stereo-typed b/c that was the main response, I felt, I got back. 

Again sorry to have offended you it was just my opinion, just like everyone else's.  I appreciate the suggestion for the local board, but I feel comfortable in this one.

Thanks!

PS I did get some feedback that helped though, so Thank EVERYONE for their thoughts!