FSIL

centralparkbride

a

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nightmare-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73af0d64-e957-4ccd-84cd-1f6da064e516Post:012efaa2-ccaa-43d7-b870-b69c3154dc26">Nightmare FSIL</a>:
[QUOTE]Help!!  My finace and I are getting married in 2012.  We have not asked anyone to be in our wedding party except for my MOH and his BM.  My fiance has a sister who has been an absolute nightmare since we started dating 3 years ago.  She has done nothing but cause problems for us.  This is the same girl that couldn't congratulate us on our engagement.  His family I'm sure is expecting us to include her in the wedding.  I think it will be nothing but trouble.  What would you do??
Posted by centralparkbride[/QUOTE]
I would ask her because not asking her will <strong>give</strong> her a reason to hate you even more.  She's already going to be at the wedding, pre-wedidng events, and all the family photos--what difference will it make having her stand up during the ceremony?<div>
</div><div>I say this as the gal who had her "nightmare" sister as MOH and have no regrets (she didn't congratulate us on our engagement either).  Be the bigger person and ask her.  I say again because it bears repeating: If she expects to be asked and you don't ask her, you are <strong>handing</strong> her a reason to cause drama on a silver platter.  Think of this as buying yourself a little family peace.</div>

Viczaesar

I'd chill and not not even think about the wedding party until the end of 2011/beginning of 2012.

trix1223

Fortunately, this is a "problem" that has every possibility of being resolved.  You can wait a year to ask anyone to be in your WP.  And in the coming year, work on the relationship with your FSIL. 

Jessieleigh316

If you can't stand her and she is less than civil to you, I wouldn't bother asking her to be in your wedding party (and I am the nicest person ever, lol). Seriously. You don't need anyone glaring at you in your wedding pictures, and the people standing up there with you during the ceremony should be the people you want to be at your side uring the biggest moment of your life. You are the bride, and you don't have time for crap.

That said, if you want to include her in some way, think about what she brings to the table. Can she sing? Ask her to sing a song during the ceremony. Or let her do a reading.

mbcdefg

1. Wait until about 8-10 months before your wedding day to select a bridal party.

2. She will be your sister soon. If you don't include her in your wedding, will you be hearing about it for the rest of your lives from her (and maybe your mother-in-law)?

3. How old is she? There's a big difference between a bratty 15 year-old (who may get nicer as she grows up) versus an immature 35 year-old.

jaimed99

Before you decide to include your FSIL just because you don't get along, think of this...

My FI's sister called CYS on me...and she's still a BM in my wedding. (We've since gotten past it, but you get my point.)

Just because she's not "OMGEXCITED" about you marrying her brother, doesn't mean she'd cause a problem, were you to ask her. She might not like you, but she's his sister, and as PPs said, it could avoid future family drama.

If this isn't an option, and he's insistent on including her, ask her to stand on his side as a groomswoman.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nightmare-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:73af0d64-e957-4ccd-84cd-1f6da064e516Post:d439a501-761d-408c-9307-741e6ba54108">Re: Nightmare FSIL</a>:
[QUOTE]If you can't stand her and she is less than civil to you, I wouldn't bother asking her to be in your wedding party (and I am the nicest person ever, lol). Seriously. You don't need anyone glaring at you in your wedding pictures, and the people standing up there with you during the ceremony should be the people you want to be at your side uring the biggest moment of your life. <strong>You are the bride, and you don't have time for crap.</strong> That said, if you want to include her in some way, think about what she brings to the table. Can she sing? Ask her to sing a song during the ceremony. Or let her do a reading.
Posted by Jessieleigh316[/QUOTE]

But I suppose a wife will have time for the decades of crap that will be coming her way if FSIL is not included....

I second everything Brooke said.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nightmare-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73af0d64-e957-4ccd-84cd-1f6da064e516Post:d439a501-761d-408c-9307-741e6ba54108">Re: Nightmare FSIL</a>:
[QUOTE]If you can't stand her and she is less than civil to you, I wouldn't bother asking her to be in your wedding party (and I am the nicest person ever, lol). Seriously. You don't need anyone glaring at you in your wedding pictures, and the people standing up there with you during the ceremony should be the people you want to be at your side uring the biggest moment of your life. <strong>You are the bride, and you don't have time for crap. </strong>That said, if you want to include her in some way, think about what she brings to the table. Can she sing? Ask her to sing a song during the ceremony. Or let her do a reading.
Posted by Jessieleigh316[/QUOTE]
Wedding planning doesn't actually require so much time that you can't deal with real family situations that will still rear their ugly heads after the wedding.  Particularly if you do something related to the wedding to feed those issues and make them worse.  This is a compromise that's almost always worth making and an issue that is almost never a hill worth dying on.

sister2groom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nightmare-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73af0d64-e957-4ccd-84cd-1f6da064e516Post:012efaa2-ccaa-43d7-b870-b69c3154dc26">Nightmare FSIL</a>:
[QUOTE]His family I'm sure is expecting us to include her in the wedding.
Posted by centralparkbride[/QUOTE]

How are you sure? If you're doing it because you think someone else thinks you should you probably want to make sure they actually think that. Or at least ask you FI how it's worked in weddings in his family in the past.

aerinpegadrak

Now: Start trying to build a relationship with the girl.  She's going to be family until death do you part, you might as well try to figure this out now.

Sometime next year: Think about who you want standing up with you.  Since this is your FI's sister, I think that he should have her on his side if he wants her to be in the wedding.  That way if HE opts not to have her, it's HIS decision and HE can be the one to take the heat, if any, from HIS family.  And if HE does decide to ask her, then HE can be the one to deal with any drama she might cause.

See how that works?  Aside from trying to build a civil, if not friendly, relationship with the FSIL, this doesn't have to be your problem just because you both happen to possess vaginas.  (And I speak from personal experience: my brother is kind of a pill and doesn't get along with DH, so he stood on my side.  Worked out great for everyone involved.)

But please wait until you're within a year of your wedding date to ask anyone to be in your WP.  There are no good reasons to ask this early, and roughly a million good reasons to wait.

lalap69

How does your FI feel about it?  Perhaps he wants to ask her to be a groomswoman and stand up on his side.

If you want to keep it traditional, however, you should probably suck it up and ask her (at the appropriate time) to avoid the family drama that would probably ensue if you didn't.  Just don't expect anything more than the bare minimum from her.

Jessieleigh316

I'm just saying, s far as my family is concerned, being included in wedding plans isn't a peace treaty. Its a disaster. I will compromise and play nice and get crap for it all my life, but I will not let it ruin my wedding day.

bablingbrooke

Just don't be so short-sighted that you don't look past the wedding, that's all I'm trying to say.  Five hours of perfection aren't worth a strained relationship with family following.  People have been known to hold a grudge about this sort of thing, and you don't want to make any decisions about your wedding that will come back to bite you later.  We're not a bunch of cynical old hags, many of us are recently married and are telling you that much of this isn't worth a fight when all is said and done.  It's not a POV you really can have before the wedding--I know I didn't have it, I just took the word of the married people on here and in my life and you know what, they were right

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nightmare-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73af0d64-e957-4ccd-84cd-1f6da064e516Post:a82d8ad3-7110-43cb-b7bd-4258757ba108">Re: Nightmare FSIL</a>:
[QUOTE]Just don't be so short-sighted that you don't look past the wedding, that's all I'm trying to say.  Five hours of perfection aren't worth a strained relationship with family following.  People have been known to hold a grudge about this sort of thing, and you don't want to make any decisions about your wedding that will come back to bite you later.  <strong>We're not a bunch of cynical old hags, many of us are recently married </strong>and are telling you that much of this isn't worth a fight when all is said and done.  It's not a POV you really can have before the wedding--I know I didn't have it, I just took the word of the married people on here and in my life and you know what, they were right :)
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

Well. *some* of us are recently married.  Then there are those of us, okay me, who are actually cynical old hags, married for a long, long time.  =)

And those of us who have been married for a long, long time also have a pretty decent perspective on what you'll be remembering and reliving decades from now.

bablingbrooke

That's why I used the qualifier "many"

Jessieleigh316

OK, so maybe my own batcrap crazy family has made me hasty. But I still stand by what I said - if you are keeping your party super small and intimate, and the two of you dont really get along anyway, they may understand why she wasn't included in the party. But like I said, let her perform a song, or do a reading, or something foolproof like that. Excluding her doesn't necessarily mean being rude or alienating her.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nightmare-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73af0d64-e957-4ccd-84cd-1f6da064e516Post:ede66079-a712-4e69-aaf2-ae1099a5e7b4">Re: Nightmare FSIL</a>:
[QUOTE]I promise that your wedding will not be the Steel Magnolias/Runaway Bride/Made of Honor experience of all your BMs getting together to do tons of prewedding stuff and hang out all the time.  That almost never happens in real life. 
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
This I like :)

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nightmare-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73af0d64-e957-4ccd-84cd-1f6da064e516Post:ede66079-a712-4e69-aaf2-ae1099a5e7b4">Re: Nightmare FSIL</a>:
[QUOTE] I promise that your wedding will not be the Steel Magnolias/Runaway Bride/Made of Honor experience of all your BMs getting together to do tons of prewedding stuff and hang out all the time.  That almost never happens in real life.  In real life, you ask a BM, you guys figure out a dress, they may or may not offer to come over one evening and address invitations with you, they may or may not attend/throw your bach party and/or shower, they come to the rehearsal, they walk down the aisle on your wedding day, stand next to you for some pictures, and the next thing you know, the reception is ending.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Speaking as a screenwriter, do you know why that stuff happens in movies?  To make my job easier.  I need to get these two characters into a room to have a conversation, but if they're just sitting on the couch or in a restaurant talking, it's boring.  All of the "traditional" BM duties provide the opportunity for visual interest, different set pieces, fun background characters, and overall just more depth to all those annoying filler scenes.  DH and I are working on a script about wedding planning (except the groom and his buddies are the ones running the show), and it's probably going to have a lot of the same filler, because it makes for a more entertaining film.

Your life is not a movie.  I don't know why so many people, brides especially, try to act like it is.  You don't get to roll credits on your own life after the exciting wedding in Act III, you have to deal with the consequences of your actions.

bablingbrooke

It also requires fewer characters to cast--if your main character has 3 coworkers in the movie/TV show, why then of course they're also their best friends and the WP!  They also spend their holidays together and go on vacations as a group.  All fights are over a hilarious situation and resolved in 30-90 minutes.  

What, you guys don't live like that?

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nightmare-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73af0d64-e957-4ccd-84cd-1f6da064e516Post:5595e38c-4842-4193-b149-8ec585e0f400">Re: Nightmare FSIL</a>:
[QUOTE]It also requires fewer characters to cast--if your main character has 3 coworkers in the movie/TV show, why then of course they're also their best friends and the WP!  They also spend their holidays together and go on vacations as a group.  All fights are over a hilarious situation and resolved in 30-90 minutes.   What, you guys don't live like that?
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
It's like how pretty much every major or minor character in I Love You, Man ended up in the WP at the end.  Conservation of detail for the audience, conservation of budget for the producer.

tldh

Movies ruin everything

I remember sending a friend off to DC for her new job at the DOJ with strict orders that is she ever met the real life Josh Lyman from the West Wing she was to alert me so I could try to snag him.  Her response was classic.  "Oh, yeah.  He'll be easy to spot since he'll have the team of screenwriters following his every move and slipping him those great one liners."

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nightmare-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73af0d64-e957-4ccd-84cd-1f6da064e516Post:7be52104-33b4-4f8a-9c40-e3121267bcb1">Re: Nightmare FSIL</a>:
[QUOTE]Your life is not a movie.  I don't know why so many people, brides especially, try to act like it is.  You don't get to roll credits on your own life after the exciting wedding in Act III, you have to deal with the consequences of your actions.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
You don't know me!  You don't know my situation!  MY life is a movie!

LoveMuffins

To me, there is nothing worse than allowing a nightmare person who expects to be included in the wedding party, INTO the wedding party.  I was a bridesmaid with such a person, and she not only made us miserable, she also made the bride AND the Mother of the Bride miserable. No one was happy. Trying to get support and help from her for things like the shower and bach party was a nightmare, it was either her way or the highway, and she gave the MOH the worst time whenever it came to coordinating the BMs.

Wait to choose your wedding party, think about it carefully. Don't choose people because you feel obligated to. Choose your best friends, that will love, support and uphold you and that you will be able to have fun with this. While building a future relationship with in-laws is important, so is not having someone who's going to stress out the already stressful planning process for EVERYONE.