Do We Need To Get Them Presents Too?

bellajgw

We have a small wedding party (all men, oddly enough) and most are within driving distance to our wedding.  Since some are low on funds or unemployed we decided we would pay for as much as possible for them. 

We paid for their tuxes, bought them special shoes, bought ties and even fun socks for the wedding and all they need to do is show up and dress.  Overall we've spent about $275 on each. 

I'm unemployed and we're living with my parents and trying very hard to pay for the wedding we had planned prior to my unemployment (no I'm not getting unemployment checks).  We're strapped for cash and have tried to minimize all our costs.

My question is now, do we need to buy our wedding party gifts?  I'm not much for traditional etiquette and my gut says that since their expenses have been practically nil (excepting gas and mileage to get to the wedding) and that we've paid for everything else that we are not expected to provide presents.  Am I right?  I don't think they would expect anything but would hate to snub my friends...but our savings is all but gone and while a job prospect looms in the next month or so I'd rather keep additional expenditures to a minimum.

Are we right or just being cheap???

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:756a7296-04aa-42ef-b0ef-1760a5698143Post:974eedc3-c97a-4d50-bdc9-b7b78966f465">Do We Need To Get Them Presents Too?</a>:
[QUOTE]We have a small wedding party (all men, oddly enough) and most are within driving distance to our wedding.  Since some are low on funds or unemployed we decided we would pay for as much as possible for them.  We paid for their tuxes, bought them special shoes, bought ties and even fun socks for the wedding and all they need to do is show up and dress.  Overall we've spent about $275 on each.  I'm unemployed and we're living with my parents and trying very hard to pay for the wedding we had planned prior to my unemployment (no I'm not getting unemployment checks).  We're strapped for cash and have tried to minimize all our costs. My question is now, do we need to buy our wedding party gifts?  I'm not much for traditional etiquette and my gut says that since their expenses have been practically nil (excepting gas and mileage to get to the wedding) and that we've paid for everything else that we are not expected to provide presents.  Am I right?  I don't think they would expect anything but would hate to snub my friends...but our savings is all but gone and while a job prospect looms in the next month or so I'd rather keep additional expenditures to a minimum. Are we right or just being cheap???
Posted by bellajgw[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>All the things you have bought for them are for your wedding. You should get them something else that has nothing to do with you and your wedding and everything to do with their likes and personalities. 

</div>

Licia&Wayne

I think it would still be appropriate to get them something. You bought those things for your wedding - that means all that stuff isn't a present for them.

I would just get them something small. A movie, a gift card, a bottle of booze, etc. Something that each of them would like.

SarahPLiz

Yes. All the things you bought them were for YOUR wedding, not a gift to them. If you hadn't bought them, the people probably would not have accepted the honor of being in your wedding, or you would have had to change your attire vision to one they could afford. By paying for this stuff for them, you did yourself a service, not them.

They are your best friends, presumably, and are taking time to come support your union and celebrate with you. Yes, you should thank them. However, that gift does not have to be material. It can be as small as a heartfelt note in a card.

xoxob

Yes. You definitely need to get something.

That being said, since they are your friends I'm assuming they're aware of your current predicament and won't be offended if it is something small. You should get them each something they would enjoy and something thoughtful. You don't have to break the bank.


I would say Bacon of the Month, as usual, but I understand your need to be frugal.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:756a7296-04aa-42ef-b0ef-1760a5698143Post:974eedc3-c97a-4d50-bdc9-b7b78966f465">Do We Need To Get Them Presents Too?</a>:
[QUOTE]We have a small wedding party (all men, oddly enough) and most are within driving distance to our wedding.  Since some are low on funds or unemployed we decided we would pay for as much as possible for them.  We paid for their tuxes, bought them special shoes, bought ties and even fun socks for the wedding and all they need to do is show up and dress.  Overall we've spent about $275 on each.  <strong>I'm unemployed and we're living with my parents and trying very hard to pay for the wedding we had planned prior to my unemployment (no I'm not getting unemployment checks).  We're strapped for cash and have tried to minimize all our costs. </strong>My question is now, do we need to buy our wedding party gifts?  I'm not much for traditional etiquette and my gut says that since their expenses have been practically nil (excepting gas and mileage to get to the wedding) and that we've paid for everything else that we are not expected to provide presents.  Am I right?  I don't think they would expect anything but would hate to snub my friends...but <strong>our savings is all but gone</strong> and while a job prospect looms in the next month or so <strong>I'd rather keep additional expenditures to a minimum</strong>. Are we right or just being cheap???
Posted by bellajgw[/QUOTE]

I'm gonna go ahead and say that it's time that you re-evaluate your priorities.

You're living with your parents, have no savings left, and no job right now.  Something tells me that spending $300 pp so that your guys can have tuxes and snazzy socks isn't in line with "keeping expenditures to a minimum."

You need to roll back.  Roll waaaay back.

xoxob

No, I get that.

That happened to a friend of ours and they ended up having to go through with it, because they would have lost more money by scaling down and changing things then just going through with it. He got laid off like 2 months before the wedding. I mean, the good thing was, 85% was already paid for and since they hadn't sent out STDs and and were on the verge of sending invitations, they cut the guest list by lik 50 people. Saved big time.

suz62984

I agree with xoxob and Emilyinchile. The things you purchased were for your wedding. While you are still purchasing them for the guys it is to be in your wedding and not as a present to them in everday life. I would get them a gift but keep it small.

jacques15

I *TOTALLY* second that!

I'm a bit surprised you are getting them so much for the wedding.. you were kind enough to consider THEIR financial situation, why shouldn't you be kind enough to consider you and your future hubby's?

I say re-evaluate - cut some numbers back and don't "blow it all" on one day.  Seriously, I know weddings are important to us gals, but why start off a new marriage with something you're seriously going to regret having done (spent all your remaining money)?

I hope things work for you - you seem to have a good heart being so giving

emilyinchile

Are you guys serious? They accepted being in the wedding because OP and her FI are their close friends, and they wanted to support them. While the tux rental might have been "necessary" (in quotes because really, you can just ask each of them to wear a black suit they already own or can borrow for free), ties, socks and shoes are not. OP and her FI chose to add those extras and chose to pay for them, which is very generous but doesn't count as a gift. You cannot say "here, I bought you an outfit to wear to my event" and count that as a present. Would you show up at your friend's birthday party with an outfit that wasn't her taste but just happened to be perfect for your theme party the next weekend? I really hope not.

No one is saying OP should go into debt over this, but thanking the WP even for just showing up (and presumably being good friends in general, since that's why they should have been asked) can be done on a budget. Not doing so is pretty rude.

taraz579

I know I may get criticized for this but.....
The tuxes you BOUGHT for them, like not rent? as in, they all get to have a nice, beautiful tux, measured to their body & fits to a T, for them. I hate to sound bad, but I think if I were in that situation, I would maybe consider new tuxes & shoes their gifts.
Just my opinion.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:756a7296-04aa-42ef-b0ef-1760a5698143Post:dc194305-84d4-415d-9469-bb3ad8dbeefb">Re: Do We Need To Get Them Presents Too?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know I may get criticized for this but..... The tuxes you BOUGHT for them, like not rent? as in, they all get to have a nice, beautiful tux, measured to their body & fits to a T, for them. I hate to sound bad, but I think if I were in that situation, I would maybe consider new tuxes & shoes their gifts. Just my opinion.
Posted by taraz579[/QUOTE]

I'm pretty sure they were renting these tuxes, if they were only out $275 for the whole ensemble. Maybe you haven't priced custom fitted suits and tuxes in a while.

banana468

I have to echo the other PPs to say that expenses for your wedding are generous but aren't really a gift to them.  You don't have to spend a ton on a present for each but IMO, you really need to get them something that's for THEM and not for your wedding.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-presents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:756a7296-04aa-42ef-b0ef-1760a5698143Post:f56687e0-c8ec-4386-99ed-14eef149aea1">Re: Do We Need To Get Them Presents Too?</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all I would not take the responsibility to pay for their stuff whether or not I was unemployed. And NO I don't think you should buy them gifts. Are you buying them gifts as a way to say "thank you for letting me buy everything for you and here's something else for your troubles". 1. You have already been spending way too much money on them and they were supposed to buy all this stuff themself.
Posted by sshahzeena[/QUOTE]

This is a pretty ridiculous attitude.  FI and I are paying for our WP attire because we WANT to.  We don't believe they should be out a bunch of money when they are doing something nice for us in standing up for us.  Yes, it's more common for them to pay for their own attire, but that doesn't mean they are "supposed to."  And YES, of course, I will still get them gifts.  The gifts aren't to thank them for spending money on us, the gifts are to thank them for honoring us by standing up for us.

OP, in your situation, I think it would perfectly reasonable to get a smaller gift than you otherwise would have, but I think you should still get them something.

bellajgw

Ok.

First:  The wedding is THIS Saturday so the option of scaling back is not possible. 

Second:  The majority of all payments were made prior to my unemployment, deposits, etc.  Had we had any idea I would be unemployed we would have gone MUCH smaller (65 people, morning wedding, at a local refurbished barn is pretty damn small to me). 

Third: We decided to pay for so much for them because many of them were in financial difficulties and we thought that since we were doing fine financially we could extend that to them and make it easier for them because it was important for us that they be a part of the wedding and not just guests.  Then unemployment ensued..COBRA premiums..car troubles...medical issues...etc. 

Fourth: We didn't want rented tuxes but we knew they couldn't afford to go out and buy new suits (most don't own one) for this one occasion.  We've done as much scaling back as we can since my unemployment...making the wedding a brunch, cutting out the bar, not renting a limo, not having a photographer....trust me, this little Pretty Princess day isn't even a third of what I dreamed it would be (so thanks for the comments).  Reality and finances are a huge part of our decisions right now and we've cut back on everything as much as possible.  In fact, thanks to finances and living with my parents we are fighting on almost a daily basis (and this morning was a doozy).  If we could afford to call the whole thing off right now and elope we would.  But, it WOULD cost us an enormous amount to do so and many people would be out a lot thanks to plane tickets, hotels, etc.

What we have bought them include the tux rental, brand new Converse sneakers, nice ties and socks (because the ties didn't come with the tuxes and we got a decent deal on them and the socks match the ties and we wanted some nice pics).  While yes, they are for the wedding, the sneakers are not exactly unusable after the fact.  They are all thrilled about getting a pair. 

But all this is now unimportant because my fiance went out without me and bought $350 worth of gifts for them.  Engraved gifts...so now we can't even return them if we wanted to...and I think she knew that when she bought them.  So, not to worry, they are getting their precious little gifts...now I get to figure out how much of our honeymoon I can cancel to make up that difference.  Mac & Cheese for every meal, I think.  And trust me, I've even looked into cancelling the honeymoon but we need a week away from everything to salvage our relationship after this wedding. 

emilyinchile

Ok, you and your FI (not sure if this is a girl or a guy, since you spelled it fiance but then said "she") need a serious talk about finances before this Saturday. While I am firmly on the "yes, get them a gift" train, I was talking a heartfelt card and a bottle of wine or a CD for each of them, not $350 of gifts. If she went out and did this without consulting you, when it sounds like you two currently have your finances at least somewhat combined and share expenses, that is a HUGE problem and not ok.