Miserable MOH - what do I do?

livelifelarge24

I am not sure how to handle this situation and hopefully somebody out there can offer some good advice. 

My maid of honor and I have been friends since we were 5 years old... we have ALWAYS had a rocky, on and off friendship. Truth be told, at this point we are friends because we have always been friends. We are much more like sisters - our familys spend many holidays together, we have a ton of history together, but we have absolutely nothing other than where we came from in common. If we met today, we would not be friends. 

When I got engaged I never even asked her to be my MOH, she jumped right in and began planning everything. As far as being a MOH she has been fabulous - she threw me the most beautiful bridal shower imagineable and spent a ton of time and money on that. I have thanked her to the ends of the earth for that. Also, she has been incredible moral support through any difficulties we've had over the past year (mostly financial). 

That is where her amazingness ends. She has had a really snarky way of making me feel about an inch tall all of the time. She doesn't ask me what I"m doing, she tells me. For example "You ARE growing your bangs out though, right, you're not going to keep them like that for the wedding?" I cut my bangs like this FOR the wedding actually.... That's just an example, the whole process has been like this. She is not the kind of person that you can gently point things like this out to - she is incredibly defensive and immature when it comes to any sort of criticism. 

Now to my point. My bachelorette party was a disaster. We went to Las Vegas for the party and she and I instantly began fighting. We have never verbally fought - usually in the past when things get unbearble we just stop talking or hanging out for a year or so. I know that is sad but that is how she deals with being frustrated - she disappears. And I don't fight her because it is just so exhausting to keep up with her constant drama. Inevitably after a year or so she will come back in the picture and need to be friends again and we just pick up where we left off. 

So in Vegas the very first night we had it out a little. We wanted to be in two very different directions. She wanted to stay out all night partying, drinking and picking up on random guys. Being that we were there one night early and the rest of the girls wouldn't be there til the next day, I wanted to go to bed early (it was 2:30 am mind you) so I could get enough sleep and rest to make up for the 3 hours I had the night before and be fun for the festivities the next day of my actual bachelorette party. There were 12 women total to think of the next day and I'm just not the type of person that can rage all night multiple nights in a row. 

Our differences in lifestyle just really came out that weekend. This was two weeks ago. She basically stormed off during my party and hasn't spoken to me since. One of the other bridesmaids said that she told her she was going to back out of the wedding. But of course when I did attempt to ask her if everything is ok or if there's anything she needs to talk about she said she is "fine". I haven't heard from her since. 

I just don't know how to handle this. It makes me sick. We have been planning this wedding for a year. I don't know if she is really going to back out or show up or what. At this point I can't imagine coming up with something nice to say about her at the rehearsal dinner. It seems ridiculous to me to bail on my wedding after one little thing made her mad. ALl of my bridesmaids, including her say that I have been the easiest bride ever - I let them pick out their dresses, even offered to buy them for them and have had no crazy rules about anything. I just want everyone to have fun but this is not fun at all. I don't know whether to continue planning the wedding and just not call her anymore and see if she shows up or not or to confront her. If I confront her it puts the bridesmaid that told me in a bad position (and she already doesn't really like that bridesmaid anyway). I don't want to do that to her either! 

Help

Also, our wedding is in 33 days!

crazykatiemae

my best friend from when i was younger and i had that EXACT same friendship! we would be attached at the hip for months, then she would get caught up in tons of drama, we'd have some type of falling out, and we wouldn't talk for weeks, only to pick back up right where we left off. that was always the great thing about our friendship, we could pickup like nothing happened. that being said, she isn't in my bridal party and i wasn't in hers since I was off at college while she was wedding planning and so naturally we drifted apart but still see each other occasionally.

having a friend that seems similiar to your MOH makes me wonder if maybe some of the behavior that occured at your bachelorette party was potentially out of jealousy. it doesn't sound like she is married or seeing anyone, so sometimes, even if she's super happy for you, it can also be easy to get jealous of you. you mentioned that she has been great as a MOH up until that point, but do you ever do things now and then that aren't wedding related with her? even things like taking an afternoon for shopping or coffee and making wedding talk off limits? i LOVE talking about my wedding, every little detail, and i have certain friends who LOVE hearing about it, but i've also got others who are happy for me but don't give a rip about my colors, dresses, venue, ect. so its important to make sure that you are still relating to them especially if they aren't planning a wedding.

hopefully you have a bit of time before your wedding. i would suggest inviting her to dinner or coffee and just catching up and maybe not bringing up the bachelorette party. feel it out, after some time to think about her actions she might feel super sorry and want to apologize or she may just want to pick and pretend nothing happened, which might be best because at this point you want to be on good terms with your MOH for the wedding!

sorry i rambled! hope this helps a bit :-)

Simply Fated

Take the wedding out of the equation.
This person sounds like a toxic friend.

How did you reply to her when she made the remark about your bangs.
In general, do you respond defensively or do you go on the offensive, too?

If you care about the friendship, hang out with her without talking about the wedding. Call her on the phone, no texts or e-mails.
If you honestly don't care at this point, then don't worry about it. If she drops out, she drops out. If she doesn't drop out, ride the wave out.

livelifelarge24

Some helpful additional information - she is divorced, a sinlge mother of 5 kids raising them with no help. She is a truly strong person but hates her life and I know that she does take it out on me a bit. I was her maid of honor as well but also the only person in her bridal party and she has made it clear that she resents me having 9 other bridesmaids as well - I have been a bridesmaid in almost all of their weddings too though. She only got married because she had accidentally gotten pregnant and it was a huge mistake for them.
'
That being said, we don't do a lot that doesn't involve the wedding because we don't hang out anymore - she is single and has turned into a huge drinker and all she wants me to do is go out and party with her. I don't drink at all and I live two and a half hours away - it is a five hour round trip for me to go be her designated driver and watch her make out with random dudes all night. I just can't stand it. When the opportunity arises I go to her kids wrsetling matches, graduations, etc. Anything family oriented that doesn't involve going out to bars but these situations rarely arise. I know that after the wedding we won't be seeing each other for awhile - we have nothing left to do together. But at this point I'm the only friend she has left and the only one who will listen to her hours of crying over this on again off again relationship that is ruining her life and she has been there for me in that situation so I feel like it is my turn and I just put up with it and try to be the best friend I can. It is really driving a wedge between us though! She wants a party pal and I am not at that point in my life. When she was married she looked down on anyone and everyone that partied - but now its her turn. I don't have a probelm with it I just can't drink anymore due to medical problems and I'm tired of playing designated driver for all my "friends."

Simply Fated

She is displaying destructive behavior and I don't want you to be a part of that. That is unhealthy for you. She needs a friend, for sure, but you shouldn't have to be her designated driver just because of that. Turn down any requests to go to bars, be designated driver or anything like that. She needs to find drinking buddies on her own.
Keep your friendship to just phone calls for awhile.

I do know what you're going through. I'm not a big drinker, either, so it was always assumed I'd be designated driver. I'd have to driver all the way to pick people up, then all the way back to drive them home. Eventually I accepted the truth... that if I didn't drive, it didn't really matter if I was there or not. Toxic friends aren't really friends.

Step back from partying, which you don't want to do, anyway, and focus on your wedding. If she wants to talk, talk over the phone.
Your friend is going through a tough time, so if she wants to talk, great. But you don't have to drive all the way over there to be a friend to her.

livelifelarge24

Unfortunately for her oldest son he is old enough to babysit the rest of the kids while she is out. He is 14 now and gets stuck with the parenting duties while she is out sowing those oats. It is sad but it is not my place to say - they are safe but I"m sure the time will come when the teenager will rebel against this or do something stupid like have a party. We had a falling out over that one time where I told her what I thought about her wild running around which resulted in a 6 month silent spell from her. I have learned that i have to just quietly wait for her to self-destruct and be there to listen when she needs someone to talk to. My mom is super mad about the situation though. We have had SO much go wrong with the wedding planning, nothing small, all big things. We lost out cake person, our caterer backed out, we had to switch venues and our DJ backed out last week. Its been unbelievable but absolutely nothing has "stressed me out." I know in the end its all just a party and a celebration of what he and I will have forever. But the stuff with her really gets me upset and stressed because through all of this I have tried to do everything I can to be a respectful and thoughtful bride. I have been a bridesmaid 10 times so I KNOW what a huge job it is!

livelifelarge24

OH and her daughter is our flower girl too, which complicates it a little. If shes really thinking about bailing, does that mean the flower girl doesn't come either? Things like that are what lead me to believe she isn't really going to bail and just told the other bridesmaid that to start some sort of drama. Like maybe its a test to see if the bridesmaid would tell me. Well of course she told me!

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_miserable-moh-what-do-i-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:78b750f8-0b81-46fb-9534-86331f3e0299Post:6b74532c-5429-4fc8-9271-460557843c1e">Re: Miserable MOH - what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]OH and her daughter is our flower girl too, which complicates it a little. If shes really thinking about bailing, does that mean the flower girl doesn't come either? Things like that are what lead me to believe she isn't really going to bail and just told the other bridesmaid that to start some sort of drama. Like maybe its a test to see if the bridesmaid would tell me. Well of course she told me!
Posted by livelifelarge24[/QUOTE]
lol yeah I think it's safe to say that you'll be out a flower girl.
She might have just been trying to stir up some drama. Unless she actually drops out, don't sweat it.

CowgirlK39

Well i was going to say that one of my BMs is kinda like that too but after reading the added info, I would say that maybe it would be best for you to not force the issue. If she shows up, then she shows up. I wouldn't count on it, but don't count her out completely. Don't try to mend things... she needs to get her life together more than she needs to be fussing over your wedding. Not saying anything about you, but she needs to get herself straight first. Don't push her to be involved anymore. She sounds like she is a hazard to herself, her kids and you.

OliveOilsMom

OP, if you are concerned about the kids, why not try contacting their father or MOH's parents to see if they are aware of the situation.  I agree that the 14 year old should not be parenting (because if she is partying as often as you say, the older sibling is the parent, not the babysitter).  Or even contact family services.

As for the wedding stuff, leave it alone.  If she shows up, she shows up.  It will reflect badly on her if she does not come. 

livelifelarge24

The only reason I added the info about her kids and life situation is because the first couple of replys had asked if jealousy was an issue.... not because I was trying to win points. I am sure in her eyes I am a crappy friend - I never make the drive up to see her, don't go out and party like we used to anymore and don't drink with her. Those are things we always used to do before we got sick. I'm sure it sucked for her that I went all the way to Vegas and didn't drink. I made it clear to everyone that I wouldn't be able to. I will repeat again that the kids are NOT in danger and I did not say they are... I do think that having a 14 year old boy babysit them regularly will backfire eventually  but they are fine at this point imo. There is no father or family of hers to contact, she really is alone which is another reason we have stayed friends for so long - we both know what it is like to have no family to count on. I think if I was truly being judemental then I wouldn't be friends with her through all her bs and I would say something about her lifestyle - I am very understanding of her situation and I spend hours every week on the phone listening to her cry over it and trying to help her find solutions when she asks. I never, ever, EVER tell her she's wrong because I cannot imagine what its like to be in her shoes. The falling out we had before was long before my engagement and something that we've never really resolved and just don't talk about. I don't judge or say anything I just put up with it all over and over but there gets a point where she makes me feel horrible about enough stuff (my dress choice, choice of hairstyles, the way we are decorating the wedding, the music we choose, our first dance, shall I go on?) where I just snap and I DO feel like hey this is my wedding and I should be able to have it reflect MY personality and lifestyle, not everyone else's.  

As for what happened in Vegas it wasn't even during my bachelorette party, it was the night before. We left a night before everyone because we drove and everyone else flew - a couple of the girls couldn't afford to fly so I drove them. It was the night before anyone got there and I told her that she and the other girl should stay out and have fun but that I really needed to get some sleep because I wasn't feeling well after only 3 hours of sleep the night before and a 9-hour car trip. I wanted to be at my best when the other 16 people showed up the next day. Thats what the entire problem was.

I never intended to "get people on my side." I don't really need help seeing that this has always been a toxic friendship - my counselor has used that exact term actually. But as far as the wedding I didn't know if I should let her know that the other bridesmaid clued me in on her comment that she is just going to drop out or if I should just let it be and see what happens. I am the most non-confrontational person ever and tried to talk to her once when we got back and it got nowhere so I guess I"ll jsut have to see where it goes.

This whole thing devastates me and makes me sick because through the whole planning process I have kept my mouth shut about anything and everything possible in fear of being labeled a "bridezilla." I just can't stand to think of upsetting people or causing problelms over a party. 

Tina3104

Sorry - but I have a totally different take on this. We just got married this past Sunday and I had my sister in my wedding party. She is exactly like your friend. I didn't want her in the wedding party (or even at the wedding) because she is an alcoholic and constantly belittles me to draw drama and attention on herself. I let her in because my niece (her daughter) was very upset that I asked my one sister and not the other. (Mind you - I was part of my oldest sister's wedding but the other one didn't even care if I had shown up to her wedding.)

Anyway - we are still reeling with embarrassment over how she acted. The day before she started a huge fight with my mother. The day of the wedding was even worse. She drank too much, was loud one moment, then crying at the table the next because she didn't get to make a toast (thank god for music), then yelling across the room to be heard. I was mortified. I didn't say anything but got an email yesterday telling me to keep my contact with her daughter to a minimum. She then went off on me calling me a jealous b**ch and that I'm selfish and lazy and my husband and I deserve each other and he had to get drunk just to marry me and our marriage won't last! Nice huh?

My point in this is that unstable people like your friend and my sister can and will try to make the most wonderful day of your life miserable if they can. You can't control what the do once they are there. All you can do is go with your gut. I wish I had not let her attend. I would have saved myself the embarrassement at the wedding and the hurt she has caused us now. 

It doesn't matter what she's done during the friendship or how she's helped prior to the wedding. If you don't think you will remain friends and that she will try and cause trouble at the wedding, then save yourself the grief and thank her for all she's done but let her know that you would prefer with her current attitude that she not attend.

Good luck to you!