Groomsmen Issues - Sensitive subject

clare25

This is a tough situation to deal with.  My FI's holding off on picking his groomsmen because of the following situation.  BTW - I'm NOT trying to be insensitive with this situation, it's just something I reallly need to get figured out.

He would like his brother to be a groomsmen but his brother has major problems with alcohol, and if he's still drinking by the wedding, neither of us would want him to be a part of the wedding party - it would be disastrous.  However, we can't keep waiting to see if he'll sober up, and we're running out of time for my FI to decide who his groomsmen will be (to order tuxes, etc). 

My FI has talked to his brother and told him this much - the brother's fine with that, but it didn't really get us any further is figuring out if he'd be sober or not by then.  Sooo, that all being said, shall we go ahead and make an executive decision to not include him in the wedding party?  My FI has cousins he'd ask in which case.  Or do we include him under the condition that if he hasn't sobered up, then his inclusion might change???

Once again, I'm NOT trying to be insensitive here.  It's a very complicated situation.

gottahavashorti

Can you have him in the wedding party, but make it clear that you expect him to be sober for the ceremony?  If he starts getting out of control, have security or a family member escort him out.

mbcdefg

Ditto Stage.

If your FI wants to ask the cousins, he should ask them no matter what winds up happening with his brother. He shouldn't ask them to be groomsmen just because his brother isn't a good candidate and he needs people to fill the slots.

As far as waiting ... your wedding is in October, and it's currently March. You don't need 7 months to decide on tuxes. Your FI and groomsmen can go order them in August or early September.

AdeleDazeem

Would his drinking also preclude him coming to the wedding?  Are you okay with him being there and drinking and not in the wedding party, or just not there at all if he's not sober?

CTGirl30

Definately have plenty of time on the tuxes if your wedding isn't until Oct.

If anyone showed up drunk for the ceremony (not just the brother), that'd be an aurtomatic "You're not standing up with us" in my book...so I think it really depends on your FI's relationship with his brother and how he feels like it might effect the family dynamics down the road if the brother isn't included. Sounds like FI wants him there...perhaps he can ask him and if he does show up drunk for the ceremony, he's out. There would be one less GM up there in that case but that's fine in the sense that the ceremony will still go on. Best case scenario is that he holds it together and stays sober for the ceremony.

After the ceremony his GM "duties" end....if he ends up drinking to excess during the reception, I'm thinking another relative could escort him out but a good bartender will cut someone off if they're getting sloppy and hopefully not let it get to that point to begin with...

I guess it depends on how much imapct down the road FI feels it would have on their relationship if he left him out of the WP altogether vs. asked him and hoped for  the best (ie. his brother acts responsibility and chooses to stay sober for the wedding ceremony).

bablingbrooke

Unless he's banned from the wedding itself, you can't stop him from drinking and acting drunk if that's what he's determined to do.  

FWIW, my sister/MOH got absolutely wasted at our wedding, had to be dragged out early by her BF, and I had no idea until several days later.  No, it won't ruin your wedding.

AdeleDazeem

Okee... not getting a response on my question, so here are my thoughts.

If he won't be allowed to attend your wedding unless he's sober, then I'd ask him to a groomsman.  He'll be escorted out if he shows up drunk whether he's a groomsman or not.

banana468

I think you need to decide how you feel about him today (well, your FI needs to decide).

There's no full proof way to know that he'll be OK on your wedding day - but if he isn't, it's also OK to leave a void or not have a BM. 

desireea0217

My fiance's brother is a stone cold alcoholic. He has been for years and even though he has periods of sobriety, there is absolutely no way of predicting when they will be. I understand how stressful it is. I have several alcoholics on my side of the family as well. With that being said, there is no way I will allow someone who is drunk to stand up for me on what is supposed to be one of the most meaningful days in my life. We have not asked him to be a groomsmen yet (our wedding is 2 years away) but i know it is important to my fiance that he be included. We plan on asking him to be an usher. If he shows up intoxicated then he can have a seat with his parents and the other guests, otherwise I will push him out the door myself. The way I look at it is, if either way he is going to attend your wedding, you might as well include him and let his behavior that day dictate what will happen.