Female Groomsman!

debdebdol

My FI's cousin asked to be a groomsman when we first got engaged last March.  At first I told my FI, ok I know you were close to her so she can be a GM.  I said yes, but I didn't mean it because I really dislike her.  I try to be nice to her because she is his cousin, but it's really hard to do..

A couple months after I said yes, and after a night of drinking too much, I told him how I really felt, I didn't want her to be a GM, and boy did I make sure he knew how I really felt.  I mean, how are our pictures going to look with a female as a GM.  She does look like a guy but still.  And not just that, but I really can't stand her.

He just talked to her and I know that she asked him if she could be a GM.  I already told him no (after initially telling him yes), but he hasn't said anything to her.  Hey, he has to break the news to her not me.

Sorry...just had to vent.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_female-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7bba7643-f76d-4883-aecd-5c0ee3d7070bPost:fa242de6-bac1-4313-a07b-b9c35847678f">Female Groomsman!</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI's cousin asked to be a groomsman when we first got engaged last March.  At first I told my FI, ok I know you were close to her so she can be a GM.  I said yes, but I didn't mean it because I really dislike her.  I try to be nice to her because she is his cousin, but it's really hard to do.. A couple months after I said yes, and after a night of drinking too much, I told him how I really felt, I didn't want her to be a GM, and boy did I make sure he knew how I really felt.  I mean, how are our pictures going to look with a female as a GM.  She does look like a guy but still.  And not just that, but I really can't stand her. He just talked to her and I know that she asked him if she could be a GM.  I already told him no (after initially telling him yes), but he hasn't said anything to her.  Hey, he has to break the news to her not me. Sorry...just had to vent.
Posted by debdebdol[/QUOTE]

I'm confused. Have either of you actually told her that she can be a groomswoman?

If neither of you have told her that she is in:
You don't have to have her in your wedding party. However, your fiance's attendants are his to choose, and if he wants her standing up for him, you should respect that. It's not like she's his ex or something, she is his cousin, and she will always be in the family. This isn't about you, so now you need to go back to your fiance and say that you will respect whoever he wants to have standing next to him when he gets married (just like he respects your choices). Marriage is about compromise, and you should start now.

If you have asked her to be in the Wedding Party:
She is a groomswoman already, and it would be *extremely* rude to kick her out. It could potentially cause a major rift in your fiance's family that could last decades, and you and your fiance would be the ones who came out looking bad--because it always looks bad to boot someone out of your wedding party no matter which party is "in the wrong." In this case, it looks like it would be you anyway.

How big of a deal would it be for her to stand up with the other groomsman while you say your vows and take a couple pictures? You likely won't see her much more the day of than if she was just invited as a guest anyway.

emilyinchile

Your FI chooses his WP, and they can be any number or gender. Unless this cousin has said or done awful things related to you as a person or to your relationship, there's no reason she can't stand up for your FI if he wants her there. Realistically you'll have to deal with her at the rehearsal (when you'll be surrounded by other people), during the ceremony itself (when I'm pretty sure you'll be focused on getting married) and during pictures (when again, you'll be on a high from being married and more focused on posing and smiling than anyone else).

Plus if you've already asked her, kicking her out would ruin your and your FI's relationship with her and make you look like a royal biitch. Which, frankly, this post already does well - I understand this isn't your first choice, but it's ridiculous to say that "perfect pictures" (which can apparently only be perfect if they're traditional) are more important than people (family no less!), and your comment about this woman looking like a guy just seems unnecessary. It's fine to vent here, but I hope you wouldn't say these things to anyone who knows her in real life.

trix1223

WPs are NOT about symmetry or gender.  There's absolutely no reason not to have a female stand up for your FI.  To claim that it would make your pictures "look bad" is just ridiculous and a silly excuse.  Unless she's wearing a bathrobe, I don't see how the pictures will look bad.

You get to choose your WP.  Your FI gets to choose his.  If he wants his cousin, he gets his cousin.  You're overstepping your bounds here.  Leave it alone.

SarahPLiz

Your FI can choose his party and you don't get to have a say, really. If he wants his female cousin, then she can be there. I don't see why you are so opposed. Yes, it was rude of her to ask if she could be in the WP, but it is even MORE rude to go back on your word because you don't like her. Unless she slept with him (ew) or burned your house or dress, then there is no reason she can't be there for him.  If HE likes her, that's what counts. Don't be a bully, to your FI or his cousin.

aerinpegadrak

Groomswomen are awesome.  One of FI's closest female friends asked, totally joking, if she could be in the wedding, but a few months later FI asked her to stand up for him.  She's been totally amazing, and I love that I've been getting to know her a bit more through planning.  (I worked with her as well as FI, but we didn't hang out much.)

Not your call to make, hon.  Your FI should have the people closest to him, end of story.

debdebdol

I don't have a problem with the fact that she is female, she just really irritates me.  I know that I need to let it go and let my FI decide who he wants to be by his side. 

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_female-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7bba7643-f76d-4883-aecd-5c0ee3d7070bPost:fa242de6-bac1-4313-a07b-b9c35847678f">Female Groomsman!</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI's cousin asked to be a groomsman when we first got engaged last March.  At first I told my FI, ok I know you were close to her so she can be a GM.  I said yes, but I didn't mean it because I really dislike her.  I try to be nice to her because she is his cousin, but it's really hard to do.. A couple months after I said yes, and after a night of drinking too much, I told him how I really felt, I didn't want her to be a GM, and boy did I make sure he knew how I really felt.  I mean, how are our pictures going to look with a female as a GM.  She does look like a guy but still.  And not just that, but I really can't stand her. He just talked to her and I know that she asked him if she could be a GM.  I already told him no (after initially telling him yes), but he hasn't said anything to her.  Hey, he has to break the news to her not me. Sorry...just had to vent.
Posted by debdebdol[/QUOTE]

Meow.

Ok, I'm going to skip all the nasty/biznitchity parts ("<em>she does look like a guy, but still"</em>) and boil down to the basic premise of this whole post - you don't want a female grooms"man". Unfortunately, you don't really have a say. You selected your bridal party, he gets to select his groomsparty. If this cousin means a great deal to him, he had every right to have her standing up on his side that day. You really have no say in this.

Your pictures aren't going to look ridiculous. You can easily mix her into the party - have your BMs wear say, blue dresses with black sashes and your FI's cousin wear a black dress with blue sash. She still coordinates into the party, but it's clear that she's different from the BMs. I've actually been to several weddings that had mixed parties (males and females on both sides) and it looked fine. The most important thing is that you each have the people that matter most to you standing up with you that day.