Wedding Party

Picky Pregnant Bridesmaid...

I have five bridesmaids and they all agreed on two dresses, they all loved them and so did I. We had two girls in one dress and three in another.

Then one bridesmaid got pregnant.

Her dress was one of the two dresses that matched, and that style did not have room for a baby bump even with alterations. I took her in with the other girl who had a matching dress to get new dresses. At this point I said I didnt care if it was the same fabric as the other three girls, just same color and length (marine, short).

They tried on EVERY SINGLE DRESS that was the right length, in the whole store.

None of the short dresses fit my pregnant bridesmaid because she has a small bust and will be 7 months along by the wedding. We tried a long dress just out of curiousity and it worked perfectly on both girls, but it was very formal and elegant and the other three girls were short and casual dresses. I felt it would be okay for all the girls to change to the long formal dress, but they did not want to.

I understand that, and I wanted short dresses from the very beginning. I told my pregnant bridesmaid that we could hem the long dress to match the short dresses, for free since my new grandma in law can do that. She refused on the basis that she didnt want to pay for a long dress and then shorten it.

Fine.

So I told her she can find a dress, any dress, and as long as it's the right length and color I dont care what style or fabric anymore. So she told me she thought a short dress will look funny on her pregnant belly.

I want her in my wedding but I feel manipulated and frustrated!
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Re: Picky Pregnant Bridesmaid...

  • What are your colors?  I would personally let her break the mold and find a dress in the same color that works for her.  That is more important than everyone matching, IMO.  
  • Mixed lengths are fine.  It's her body, and being pregnant, she's probably not feeling too great about how she looks.  No one will expect for her to be wearing the same thing as the other girls, because she's pregnant. 

    Let it go.  Your pictures will look much better with one girl who's happy in a different dress than a girl who's visibly uncomfortable in the matching one.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • You are overreacting. You are not being manipulated. 

    I agree with PP that said she's probably not too excited about how she'll look on your wedding day. Your bridesmaids don't need to matchy perfectly. Let her find a dress she's comfortable and get over it. 

  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Let her wear whatever she wants -- a long dress makes perfect sense for her. She's your friend and is probably feeling self conscious. No one is going to care that hers is different.
    Lizzie
  • edited June 2012
    I'm in a similar situation, being that one of my BMs is now pregnant, and is actually due two weeks after my wedding. Originally, I wanted all five girls in short dresses and the girls liked the idea, as it's an outdoor Florida October ceremony. My MoH is heavier, and told me she preferred a long dress. Works for me, as long as they're all horizon chiffon. Now, my sweet pregnant BM almost backed out because she didn't want to "ruin my day" by having an 8 month bump. I told her no matter what, I wanted her in the wedding, and we decided together that she will also wear a long dress, as it will fit her belly better and she'll be more at ease. Her original choice was 3/4 length anyway, as she doesn't like her knees lol Long story short, as PPs said, I think you're overreacting. Yes, it is your special day, but she's bringing a life into the world, and you can't fault her for something like that just because her dress won't match your vision of your wedding party. Have some sympathy for her and let her wear what's comfortable for her. It's not worth the fight or possibly losing a friend over!
  • I understand why you're frustrated, but I'm sure she's equally frustrated. Just take a deep breath and remember why this woman is a close enough friend that you asked her to be a bridesmaid to begin with.

    Sit down and have a conversation with her that doesn't center around the wedding. Ask how she feels. Ask if you can do anything to help her. She's pregnant and going through some major changes right now. Your wedding will be one day, but this new life that's growing inside of her will be forever.

    When you understand more how she's feeling right now, then bring up the subject of BM dresses. Her major concern seems to be that she doesn't want to wear a short dress because of her changing figure. At 7 months, it's likely that her baby bump will be more like a baby basketball, so look for maternity dresses rather than regular BM dresses that won't offer much room for growth, and her belly will shorten the dress significantly. Think of a compromise, if you can. She might be more comfortable in a tea length or a hi-low hem dress. Find several styles that you could live with, then offer them to her as ideas. She may be more amiable once she knows that you are willing to take her feelings into consideration.
    Just an example dress:
    http://www.alfredangelo.com/collections/productdisplay.aspx?productID=32e1bc54-1d02-4228-9fdd-0a068d03591b&categoryID=772f03c9-de43-4942-bfa0-da77e21ebd65&pg=1&colorId1=
  • One of my BM will be 8 months pregnant.  Its November so dresses will be long.  I am ordering Alfred Angelo.  They have 2 short and 2 long maternity style dresses in either satin or chiffon - not a huge selection, but the biggest selection of BM dresses I could find for somebody who is pregnant.  

    I think your BM would  look nice in a short dress, but if she is adament with long, so be it.  Its not that big of a deal, anything goes nowadays.  I also told my BM to buy flip flops if her feet will be swollen because nobody will notice her feet too, lol, and if she wanted to sit in a pew instead of stand then do that too.
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  • Well I've gone from feeling bad to worse. Thank you those of you with supportive advice but some of you are pretty judgmental right outta the gate and you know what? That is not helpful or nice. I've tried the idea of a maternity dress, but the bridal store doesnt have any and they wont refund us for the dress she already bought, a long dress would be okay if it had any characteristic at all in common with the others but she wants ONE dress and only that one and I have offered so many solutions and I cant get all five girls to agree. I want her to feel comfortable as with the rest of the girls and that is why THEY picked their dresses to begin with. Now one got pregnant, which I am happy for her, but she wants everyone else to change to accomodate her, and pay more money for the dress she likes. All I am asking her to do is to find a dress that works for her and has ANYTHING about it that looks remotely like something the other dresses have. This dress she wants is very very formal and everything about the wedding is casual. I have one bridesmaid wanting to drop out if the dresses are long, another (the pregnant one) wanting to drop out if she doesnt get the dress she wants. I dont want to lose either one, the dresses look really silly together...and I like mis-matched things USUALLY. My bridesmaid that is pregnant is very slender and gorgeous with her pregnant belly and WANTS to show it off, so I dont think she is self conscious. I offered that she wear a tea length so it would be long enough with the bump...etc etc. I'm not some bridezilla trying to force her into an unflattering dress. Some of you brides need to check your judgement at the door and try being helpful instead of mean.
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  • sorry, most of you were helpful. just one comment made me feel like crap.
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  • Why don't you post some pics of the dresses in question?

    FWIW, I had a BM who was due two weeks after our wedding. I told her to get any black dress she wanted (the other BMs had black dresses) that she felt comfortable in. I look at my pics and don't even notice it's a different dress. To me, varied lengths is not a huge deal and can actually look kind of neat. Everyone will notice she's pregnant at 7 months and really not care that she has a long dress and other girls don't. Maybe offer up the option to all the girls that they could either wear short OR long, and if some decide to switch, you'll have a mixture of both. I truly think you're overreacting. She should get to wear something she's comfortable in.


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  • But is it worth all this heartache and drama to try and find a similar dress?  It's two (well, maybe three) yards of fabric that will be worn for six hours. 

    You've done your best.  You've tried to find a gown by a bridal designer that will work for everyone, and you haven't had any success.  I just don't think this is a hill worth dying on, especially if it's going to cause issues for everyone else as well.  So rather than trying to force everyone into a zero-sum game, just give the pregnant bridesmaid a fabric swatch and see what she can find.  Maybe she can find something great in a regular party dress that's not in a bridal line.

    As long as it's a similar enough color and she's carrying the same flowers, everyone will know she's in the same bridal party.  You have to pick your battles in life.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • good idea, let me see if I can get pictures up.

    thanks!
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  • @ aerinpegadrak I agree wholeheartedly, but we cant get a refund so she'd be out $100 to go look at another place for a dress and she cant afford that and I cant afford to buy it for her either. I'm totally cool with an entirely different dress just not the exact one she wants that is very formal and doesnt even match the wedding let alone the other girls. let me try to get a picture up...not sure how yet.
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  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited June 2012
    Get over yourself. You follow-up post makes you seem incredibly entitled. You ask for opinions on a public forum and you take what you get. Leave the poor girl alone or your friendship will be damaged. Over a wedding. Is that what you want?

    edit: Honestly, think about it. Do you want to damage your friendship?
    Lizzie
  • aragx6: I'm sorry you feel that way...maybe you should leave this thread if you dont like me? The "poor girl" has had every possible solution provided to her for every complaint she had and turned them all down. There is ONE dress she wants and am I some sort of monster that I don't want her to wear it and would rather figure out an alternative solution? I have been nice to her and supportive but it is still my wedding and I still have a little bit of say over  my bridesmaids wear, even though I have let them all pick out and decide on their own dresses.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_picky-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7d8fd39b-da39-4dec-9082-b1b68c338e9ePost:9c0882de-c1d8-45e7-b74f-a98995fd02cb">Re: Picky Pregnant Bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Get over yourself. You follow-up post makes you seem incredibly entitled. You ask for opinions on a public forum and you take what you get. Leave the poor girl alone or your friendship will be damaged. Over a wedding. Is that what you want? edit: Honestly, think about it. Do you want to damage your friendship?
    Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

    Whoa, this went a little far. There's no reason they can't compromise. That's what people in relationships, including friendships, do because they care about what the other wants. Here, it sounds like the BM wants what she wants or she's walking. In which case, she's being kind of ridiculous.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • sorry those links are copy/paste...I don't do forums enough to know how to post pictures. And if I'd know some people would be negative and mean I wouldnt have ventured out. Arent we here to be supportive and helpful? You can say what you want to say in a nice way. You don't have to agree with me to be decent.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_picky-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7d8fd39b-da39-4dec-9082-b1b68c338e9ePost:0928e920-a781-4e31-88f7-f498f219223c">Re: Picky Pregnant Bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Picky Pregnant Bridesmaid... : Whoa, this went a little far. There's no reason they can't compromise. That's what people in relationships, including friendships, do because they care about what the other wants. Here, it sounds like the BM wants what she wants or she's walking. In which case, she's being kind of ridiculous.
    Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]

    Thanks you for that. I really am just looking for honest advice and didnt expect to be driven to tears by other brides that i figured would be understanding of the dilhemma. I dont want it all my way...I dont want her to be uncomfortable...I just want compromise.
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  • edited June 2012
    I think they look similar enough that she could wear the one she wants without the other girls changing their dresses.  However, I don't think that dress will accommodate her 7-month pregnant belly. Has she tried it on?

    I personally prefer the one you provided as a compromise.
    Anniversary
  • I can't see that last dress flattering a pregnant woman.  I also don't really think that the dress she wants is really that formal.  Even if it is, so what if she's overdressed?  Has an overdressed guest ever hampered your enjoyment of a party?  I really doubt anyone will notice, and she won't look that out of place.

    If she's put down some sort of deposit, it might be worth talking to the shop to see if you can get it back or absorb it some other way.  The worst they can say is no.  That might give you more options to look somewhere else.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • edited June 2012
    Her dress was already paid in full before she got pregnant. But thanks for the input on the other two. Hopefully she will compromise on the last dress, but if she doesnt I'd rather have her in the long dress than not at all. It's a tricky situation and I want to please everyone...but I am part of that everyone too. I'm going to try to delete this thread before anyone else has anything nasty to say....thank you everyone who helped ease my anxieties over the dress issue!
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  • Looks like I can't delete this thread :(.
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  • BTW, she tried on both dresses with a fake pregnant belly and they both fit the same on her. The "compromise" is really a compromise...its right in between what I want and what she wants and we both like it. How else would YOU compromise? The one I suggested was also suggested by the woman assisting us at the store, because its popular among pregnant women.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_picky-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7d8fd39b-da39-4dec-9082-b1b68c338e9ePost:c2f5f811-66c7-43e0-861b-12de275ed927">Re: Picky Pregnant Bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Her dress was already paid in full before she got pregnant. But thanks for the input on the other two. Hopefully she will compromise on the last dress, but if she doesnt I'd rather have her in the long dress than not at all. It's a tricky situation and I want to please everyone...but I am part of that everyone too.<strong> I'm going to try to delete this thread before anyone else has anything nasty to say</strong>....thank you everyone who helped ease my anxieties over the dress issue!
    Posted by k1t73n[/QUOTE]
    Seriously? Don't DD. Nobody likes a DD. That only draws more attention to your post.


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_picky-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7d8fd39b-da39-4dec-9082-b1b68c338e9ePost:8a9ff6d3-5864-4d34-be5b-02c926f77484">Picky Pregnant Bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have five bridesmaids and they all agreed on two dresses, they all loved them and so did I. We had two girls in one dress and three in another. Then one bridesmaid got pregnant. Her dress was one of the two dresses that matched, and that style did not have room for a baby bump even with alterations. I took her in with the other girl who had a matching dress to get new dresses. At this point I said I didnt care if it was the same fabric as the other three girls, just same color and length (marine, short). They tried on EVERY SINGLE DRESS that was the right length, in the whole store. None of the short dresses fit my pregnant bridesmaid because she has a small bust and will be 7 months along by the wedding. We tried a long dress just out of curiousity and it worked perfectly on both girls, but it was very formal and elegant and the other three girls were short and casual dresses. I felt it would be okay for all the girls to change to the long formal dress, but they did not want to. I understand that, and I wanted short dresses from the very beginning. I told my pregnant bridesmaid that we could hem the long dress to match the short dresses, for free since my new grandma in law can do that. She refused on the basis that she didnt want to pay for a long dress and then shorten it. Fine. So I told her she can find a dress, any dress, and as long as it's the right length and color I dont care what style or fabric anymore. So she told me she thought a short dress will look funny on her pregnant belly. I want her in my wedding but I feel manipulated and frustrated!
    Posted by k1t73n[/QUOTE]

     I still don't understand why she can't just wear a different dress. I get that you want everyone to match, but the girl is pregnant. She is going to be uncomfortable anyway. Why make her wear an uncomfortable dress? Don't ruin your friendship over this.
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  • How about this dress: http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Strapless-Chiffon-Dress-with-Layered-Skirt-F14169_Bridal-Party-Features-Maternity-Appropriate

    The website says it's maternity appropriate, but, of course, your BM would need to try it on to make sure.  But it's somewhat similar and appears to be made for baby bumps.

    That or this: http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Sleeveless-Jersey-Dress-with-Charmeuse-Waist-Band-E44239_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-All-Bridesmaid-Dresses

    The jersey should be helpful with a baby bump and resembles some of the other dresses you linked.
    image

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  • Sorry to post again in rapid succession, but there's also this: http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Strapless-Jersey-A-line-with-Ruched-Charmeuse-Bust-F13291_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-All-Bridesmaid-Dresses

    I know it's long, but it's also very simple which might be another compromise to make?  Long is okay as long as the dress looks casual?  That and it's less expensive than a lot of the shorter dresses at DB, so maybe your BM won't mind hemming it to be short if she's not paying extra for the length on the dress?
    image

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  • pkontkpkontk member
    500 Comments
    edited June 2012
    For some reason my browser won't allow me to see the different links.

    Keep in mind that her trying on a dress with the prosthetic pregnant belly may not be the same as how she will be at 7 months pregnant.  Women gain weight in different ways, and even the tiniest girl could gain a ton of weight everywhere, not just in her belly.
  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I certainly didn't intend to make you cry. I did intend, however, to make you actually think about how you're treating a dear friend, and it's unclear whether you've really done that or not. I really don't see anything that wrong with the dress she likes. It's made of jersey -- it's really no more formal than the other short dresses.
    Lizzie
  • edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_picky-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7d8fd39b-da39-4dec-9082-b1b68c338e9ePost:28549a70-e1e4-466f-bf33-ce50bde36fbd">Re: Picky Pregnant Bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm all for compromise.  But the thing is she's PREGNANT.  Creating life trumps getting married any day of the week.  Also, what she wears really and truly won't affect your wedding one little bit, but it will affect her day tremendously.  Sorry, compromise is good when there's somewhat equal stakes, but there just aren't here. Plus, since you've flat out told us her main issues with the original dress include it being short and her wanting long, and all of your 'compromises' are short dresses, I don't see it as that much of a compromise.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I have to agree with all of this.

    She is pregnant. If she isn't comfortable in a short dress (which she has obviously stated), then why are short dresses the choices you are giving her?

    ETA: Why don't you just pick the color she is supposed to wear, and then let her pick the dress that she is comfortable in? I think that would be a better solution to the issue.
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