Out with the old in with the new...

bensgirl12001

Ok so I have had a girl drop out of my wedding party for her personal issues...reason isnt really important, but anyways I am planning on asking a friend of mine that I really wanted to ask in the first place to replace the other girl as a bridesmaid and wanted to know if any of you had any advice on how to make her feel just as special as the girls I asked five months ago. I really dont want her to feel like she's just an alternate. The only reason I didnt ask her in the first place is because of trying to cut down costs by keeping our WP a smaller group.

Any ideas?

blackfire5th

Well, no matter how you put it, she is an alternate and a replacement.  If she was that important to you, you would have included her in the first place.

If you just didn't know better that wedding parties aren't about numbers and now you realize how stupid you were, then it would be okay to explain that to her. 

But, since you are only asking her because the other bm dropped out, there is no way around the fact that she is a replacement.  Even if you don't tell her, she will probably figure it out and will always feel like the alternate. 

It is also an honor to be a guest.  Don't make any changes to the WP.  She will still be there for you on your wedding day.

banana468

Please don't ask anyone to be a replacement BM.

Instead, say, "I really wish I asked you earlier.  Would you be my BM?"

blackfire5th

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_out-old-new?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7ee8db30-df92-419b-9ec1-a46b433006aaPost:cc004769-c55a-4a2d-aab2-16e77999927a">Re: Out with the old in with the new...</a>:
[QUOTE]Please don't ask anyone to be a replacement BM. Instead, say, "I really wish I asked you earlier.  Would you be my BM?"
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I'm just worried that she will hear that she was asked after the other girl stepped down, put two and two together, and realize that she is a replacement.

banana468

She can even say, "Things happened that made me realize I wished I did things differently."

It's up to her and the friend though.  As long as she's not treated like a replacement, that's what matters IMO.

stina93446

Ugh, PLEASE don't "replace her"....you should have asked this other girl beforehand. Why didn't you ask her?! If you really want this new girl in your BP, ask her and do what banana said...tell her that you should have done it from the beginning. But DO NOT say that you are replacing the other girl. Don't even think it. 

LarissaAnn

Ditto.

As for me, I had one friend turn down being a BM due to personal stuff going on in her life, so we were uneven.  Then H lost a GM so we were even.  Then I lost another BM because she couldn't get out of military school.  So we ended up with an uneven party.  It was FINE.

Ask the way Banana suggested, but PLEASE don't be insulted and/or let it affect your friendship if she says no.  Just go on normally.  I'm still VERY close friends with the girl who said no to me, no reason not to be.

bensgirl12001

ok so obviously I'm not a moron and would never say "hey could you replace so and so and be a BM?" As I stated before the reason why we didnt invite her to be a BM in the first place is because we are paying for the dresses and tuxes and needed to keep a smaller WP for financial reasons. 

The question that I was asking was more along the lines of if you were in her shoes what could the bride do to make you feel more welcome... I mean really she hasnt missed out on anything because I really havent had my WP do anything together or helping out, I just dont want her to percieve like she's missed out on something

mbcdefg

I think you're really overestimating how much people enjoy being in a wedding party and what kind of honors or senses of personal satisfaction that they get out of it. I don't get what this new girl may have "missed out" on - it's not like she's joining a sorority in the middle of the school year ... all BMs have to do in the months before the wedding is get the dress. Not attend sleepovers and perform skits and form a giant bond.

I would just make it VERY clear to her, like PPs said, that she is not a replacement and you were silly in not asking her in the first place. Not making her feel like a replacement is, IMO, the best way to make her feel good about the situation.

bablingbrooke

Ask her if you want her in the wedding.  Don't ask her to get a warm body to even out the sides.

Also, your poll is not funny--the part about a BM passing away.  I'm not a sensitive person but even I think that's out of line.

MyNameIsNot

She's a replacement, and she's going to feel like it no matter what you do. 

Asking her at this point would be an insult to her, to the girl that dropped out, and to all of your other BMs.  Just leave it as is.

eliot215

It seems that the ladies who have commented thus far have hard and fast rules about "replacing" BMs, but I think this decision really depends on the nature of your relationship with her and how you think she would feel about being asked at this point.  If you're worried that she might not feel like a "real" bridesmaid, you're probably picking up on your own instinct that this isn't a good idea.  However, some women wouldn't be offended at all if they were asked to "replace" a BM, so it might be okay after all.  

You know your friend, so trust your instinct.

eliot215

P.S.  I have uneven numbers in my WP (due to an unfortunate disagreement) and it really isn't as bad as you think once you get used to the idea.  Hope that helps!

blackfire5th

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_out-old-new?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7ee8db30-df92-419b-9ec1-a46b433006aaPost:bf78d1ca-d0d5-425e-a018-4e8f6ea478d4">Re: Out with the old in with the new...</a>:
[QUOTE]ok so obviously I'm not a moron and would never say "hey could you replace so and so and be a BM?" As I stated before the reason why we didnt invite her to be a BM in the first place is because we are paying for the dresses and tuxes and needed to keep a smaller WP for financial reasons. 
Posted by bensgirl12001[/QUOTE]

I think that if she was important enough to you, you would have asked her in the first place and found a way to make it work.  An example would have been, we have $X to spend on WP attire, but we want X number of people, so instead of paying for 100% of the attire, we would only be able to pay for 80%.

If she wasn't important enough to make the cut the first time around, then how can you say she isn't a replacement?

bensgirl12001

a lot of you are making the assumption that I am adding her to even out the sides...even with the addition of her our sides wouldnt be even my FI has 6 GM and I have 3 BM and with the addition it would be 4...so thats not my motivation at all

Also the poll was in no way meant to be funny...I have had that experience where a BM passed away in a friends wedding and they honored her by having her bouquet hold her place... I was just wondering if anyone could relate dont be so judgemental

ca_surfergirl

I think honest with her would be very important.  If you are close (which it sounds like you are) lay it all out on the table.  I think problems come from people not being honest.  Tell her why you didn’t ask her at first, and tell her you wish you had.  Tell her that asking her now isn’t going to make things right, but you want to ask her.  Tell her she is free to say no without any hard feelings.  Asking a close friend to be a bridesmaid late is different than asking someone you barely know.

 

If I knew the reasons behind why I was asked later, I would not be as upset as finding them out for myself.   Knowing what I know, I would love to be asked to be your bridesmaid, because at least you care about your girls feelings and you are not making them buy their own dresses (which is what seems to be the norm, and something I am firmly against).   Plus since you are not asking her to spend extra money, I don’t think it is as bad as it appears to most people on this post.  You seem like a very nice person, who was limited by trying to do something nice (buy everyone’s clothing) and got into a bad situation because of it.

 

I personally think that blaming you for not asking all the girls at once is unfair.  The past is the past, yes it would have been better to ask them all at once, but we do not live in a perfect world.  Instead we have to make the best of what we can.