Alternatives to Traditional WP - Ideas needed!

KittE7

My FI and I are planning a fabulous, non-traditional wedding, and we have not yet decided about having official attendants.  I'd like some feedback from Knotties who have done things differently!  (Sorry in advance - this is a long post!) 

Reasons - keep it simpler (no "frou-frou" traditions, emphasis on the couple, no extra event & apparel coordination) and less expense (no WP gifts, no WP transpo, no rehearsal, no RD, less flowers).  The RD is simply not in our budget, and our officiant will charge more for holding a rehearsal.  Since the ceremony will be brief with less than 70 attendees, we are even debating whether to print programs.

However, I realized  that I actually want some variation of "Honor Attendants" for these reasons:
*honor my three closest friends
*prepare for the day together & lunch
*prof. photog shots
*fashion-color coordination – either all 3 pick a nice dress in the chosen color or pick dresses in the same fabric (coord. colors).
*not sure how my entrance will go, but I'm not against a quick procession.

FI doesn't want any attendants (or a Best Man).  He pointed out that my friends could get ready with me & take photos with me w/o being called attendants (Yes), and we know the girls are going to dress appropriately anyway (Yes); he doesn't see the need for a procession or for color coordination.

If it helps at all to imagine the rest of the event, our non-religious, intimate, and brief ceremony will be in downtown Mpls on a picturesque site overlooking the river, on a Friday.  Less than 70 guests will attend the CM. I will request "Black Tie Optional" on the invitations & my FI, our fathers, and my brother will be in tuxes. The reception will also be downtown in a modern, contemporary venue with ~100 guests.

So my questions for you Knotties that have perhaps planned something "unmapped" for your wedding party are:

How do I incorporate ways to honor my best friends (& involve them with the wedding) w/o having them be frou-frou bridesmaids?

How much does a color palette bring to an event? (is it worth coordinating the would-be-bridesmaids?)

How much does a procession bring to the ceremony - atmosphere, anticipation ??

How would it best work to have only my 3 friends as Honor Attendants & my FI not having any?

Can we do this without a Rehearsal & RD??

THANKS!!

trix1223

How do I incorporate ways to honor my best friends (& involve them with the wedding) w/o having them be frou-frou bridesmaids?  You can remember that being invited to the wedding IS involving your friends and family.  And being a guest IS an honor in and of itself.

How much does a color palette bring to an event? (is it worth coordinating the would-be-bridesmaids?)  My sister and BIL had no attendants at all and their wedding was beautiful.  I don't think that women in green dresses would have made it more lovely.  You can incorporate color if you're so inclined with your flowers, flower arrangements on the altar, and certainly at your reception.

How much does a procession bring to the ceremony - atmosphere, anticipation ??
Again, referencing my sister's wedding, I don't think the lack of a procession detracted from what people are really there for anyway-the wedding of two people.

How would it best work to have only my 3 friends as Honor Attendants & my FI not having any?  WPs are NOT about symmetry.  If you want to have your friends stand with you and he doesn't, that's fine.  You've both made a decision you're comfortable with, and that should be all that matters.

Can we do this without a Rehearsal & RD??  Yes.   If you choose to have no attendants, you can just go over the order of your ceremony at a meeting with your officiant. As for attendants. walking down an aisle ain't exactly rocket science.  You likely don't need a rehearsal unless your ceremony is very involved or complicated.

GL

MyNameIsNot

The things that you are proposing: honor your friends, get ready together, color coordinate, do pictures, are exactly what attendants do.  So basically, you are proposing having attendants but just not having a RD or giving them gifts.  

If you don't want to have attendants, don't have them.  There are a lot of brides on here that have gone that route, and have been really happy with it.  

But if you're going to do it, do it.  If you're going to tell them what to wear, they are attendants.  Now, there's no rule that you have to have a rehearsal even if you do have attendants, or that you have to have limos or any of the other traditional things.  You could also have 3 attendants and your FI have none.  

Is there another way they can participate in the ceremony?  Perform a reading or some music?  Otherwise, either let them be guests, or have them as attendants.  

Of course, you can get ready with and have pictures with anyone you like.  

mbcdefg

How do I incorporate ways to honor my best friends (& involve them with the wedding) w/o having them be frou-frou bridesmaids?

It's fine to ask them if they want to hang out with you while you get ready that morning. You just cannot require them to get hair/makeup done. Hanging out together and talking and drinking champagne is fine.

Photos are also a nice idea, but that doesn't at all have to be a formal thing. Just grab them at some point in the day and spend a minute or two for a nice photo.

How much does a color palette bring to an event? (is it worth coordinating the would-be-bridesmaids?)

If someone is not in your bridal party, then you cannot ask that they wear a specific color. Besides, your guests will not care. If you have them wear a specific color, they'll think they're your bridesmaids. Either make them bridesmaids by asking them to wear something specific and giving them a gift, or don't have any bridesmaids and don't require special outfits.

How much does a procession bring to the ceremony - atmosphere, anticipation ??

I think you've overestimating just how much guests will care about all this.

How would it best work to have only my 3 friends as Honor Attendants & my FI not having any?

Exactly the same as it would be if you had groomsmen. They process down/up the aisle, stand with you, and pose for group photos. They just don't have an escort. If you don't want all three on your side, have them process down the aisle and then sit in the front, and one can come forward if necessary (hold the ring, straighten out your train, whatever). Or have them stand for both you and your FI.

Can we do this without a Rehearsal & RD??

You don't need to have a ceremony rehersal if you think everyone can get the jist of it on their own (people can figure out how to walk). Or you can do a really quick run-through right before the ceremony if possible.

But if you are asking people to attend a rehearsal, then you need to feed those people afterward. But that can be simple, it doesn't have to be a fancy dinner - cake and coffee is fine if it's not held during dinnertime. We're having pizza and beer after our rehearsal. Burgers are fine, Chinese food is fine, going back to your house and making spaghetti is fine.

***

If you don't want bridesmaids and groomsmen, or if you want bridesmaids and he doesn't want groomsmen, that's fine. But don't try to think up creative or cutesy alternatives to having them. Either have them or don't.

duckie1905

How do I incorporate ways to honor my best friends (& involve them with the wedding) w/o having them be frou-frou bridesmaids?
Not every BM is a frou-frou BM.  I'm not sure where you are getting this from.  You can have non-frou BMs.  Just pointing that out.  IMO, if you want to honor them by making them WP members then actually make them WP members.

How much does a color palette bring to an event? (is it worth coordinating the would-be-bridesmaids?)
You can in no way direct their attire or its color unless they are WP members.

How much does a procession bring to the ceremony - atmosphere, anticipation ??
No one cares.

How would it best work to have only my 3 friends as Honor Attendants & my FI not having any?
It doesn't matter how many you have and how many he has.  Same principles.

Can we do this without a Rehearsal & RD??
You don't have to have a rehearsal or dinner ever.  Most can get the hang of walking and if you don't have a rehearsal you don't have to thank them for coming with dinner.  But, if you rehearse you must pay them.

Also, it really would be nice if you would at least get them a little gift for their participation.  It doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive but I would suggest something that is personal and has some thought behind it.

It sounds like you want BMs but don't want to admit it.  Just have them.

KittE7

Thanks for the feedback, everyone!  I had started coming to these conclusions (procession & WP symmetry doesn't matter, not all Bmds are Frou-frou), but I just wanted some Real Bride feedback for guidance.  My mom is driving me crazy about this.  I'm trying to manage her expectations w/what I actually want and can afford.

I would like to have attendants - I just wanted ideas to simplify things and keep them non-frou.  They would still be attendants.  I read Emily Post ; I totally understand that asking for outfit-coordination = /> they would be in the WP, and that a rehearsal should be followed by refreshments/dinner.  And yes, our officiant would require a rehearsal if we have attendants.

I was asking about color palette as it relates to the event as a whole.  Thank you for the reassurance trix1223.  I have a small floral/decor budget (& limited confidence in DIY flowers for a Friday wedding)... so I'm nervous about making the whole thing come together.   But you're right, having 3 girls wear blue (or the same dress in diff. colors) isn't going to matter!  whee - so liberating to say that!

So maybe I should have asked:
If you chose to have attendants, why did you decide to do so?  What did you have them do that was the right choice for you, but considered non-traditional by others?
And if you chose to no have attendants, how did you decide this?

It'll all work out.  Just have to make this decision and move on. Thanks!

mags0607

If you chose to have attendants, why did you decide to do so?
I do not have any siblings close to my age. I have two older half-brothers who are much older than me. But I have six wonderful friends who have all at some point in my life taken up the "sister" role. They have supported me, some since I was 9 or 10, through good, bad, and difficult, and have been there through every big moment in my life. I couldn't imagine standing at the altar and not having them stand up there with me, so that I remember and everyone else at the wedding sees that I wouldn't be who or where I am today without each and every one of them.

 What did you have them do that was the right choice for you, but considered non-traditional by others? I am pretty traditional, so everything they are doing is traditional as well. The only remotely picky thing I had was the fact that due to Catholic church rules, they can;t have any strapless dresses.

And if you chose to no have attendants, how did you decide this? NA

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Kitt, I'm having 3 attendents (originally though I'd have only 2) to simplify things. They all live near me, and we are friends now. (Rather than from high school, etc.) I am having them wear the same dress, but letting them pick their own shoes/jewelry/hair/makeup/nails. I am not having an honor attendent, just BMs. HTH!

mbcdefg

If you chose to have attendants, why did you decide to do so? 

We have close friends we wanted to include and I wanted my siblings (also consider them my friends) to be involved. We have many people we get along with but don't have a ton of close friends, so we decided to just include the ones we're very close with. We will be asking family members and another friend to do readings.

What did you have them do that was the right choice for you, but considered non-traditional by others?

We only have four total attendants - my brother and sister, and one friend each. Nobody has called this non-traditional ... in fact, we've gotten a TON of compliments for having a small bridal party. Picking out their attire didn't take long at all, it was easy to work with everyone's budget, we aren't spending too much on flowers, and since our Bridal Party Gifts budget only has to be divided between four people we can afford some nicer gifts for them than we could if we had more attendants. It's also made it easy to work out timelines for hair/makeup in the morning, and our photographer says that the formal photos should take a very short amount of time.

We got the bridesmaids' dresses through AnnTaylor.com - they are plain black cocktail dresses and we will add green sashes. I didn't want to deal with going to a salon, placing an order that'd take months to come in, and then having extensive alterations. Plus I figured that Ann Taylor dresses have a better chance of being reworn in the future. I e-mailed them three styles in the same color/length/fabric, they each picked a different one, and we had them within a week. Easy peasy. The whole process was quite painless.