BM Giving Not So Subtle Hints

eebjvs11

Nevermind.

baystateapple

Your poll is kind of ridiculous.  She's your friend.  Just ask her how she feels about it, for cripes' sake, and give her the out graciously if she asks for it.  If she does, however, want to be a bridesmaid, then let her keep being one.  I don't know why "kick her out" even came up.

mbcdefg

Absolutely do NOT kick her out. She's done nothing to warrant that, and you'd be a bad friend for booting her (and that would likely be the end of your friendship). 

I think you're taking it WAY too personally if your feelings are getting hurt by this. I have a friend who's been in about a dozen weddings, and she said the exact same thing once when we were hanging out and she had two more weddings ahead of her. But she was still happy to stand in them because she loved her friends. I think she was just frustrated about spending all that money because she only worked part-time. Your friend can't complain to the other brides about this, so it sounds like she's just trying to vent to you and get her frustrations out.

Next time she does this, I would try your best to ignore it or change the subject. If she persists, I don't see a problem with you saying, "I want to ask you an honest question, and I promise I will not be mad at whatever you answer ... would you feel better about being a guest at my wedding rather than a bridesmaid? Of course I want you standing up with me and FI, but it's also important to me that you be comfortable and happy. Either way, it'll mean the world to me if you're with us on our wedding day."

If she confesses that she wants to drop out, problem solved. If she insists that she wants to stay a BM, then drop the subject and don't bring it up again. You shouldn't be talking about the wedding at 16 months out anyway, so don't bring up the wedding around her and change the subject if SHE brings it up.

saxy414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-giving-not-subtle-hints?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80c021c7-6597-4da0-91ec-76abaad16846Post:4a63239f-2d50-4f55-89d6-8130c2c62125">Re: BM Giving Not So Subtle Hints</a>:
[QUOTE]Your poll is kind of ridiculous.  She's your friend .  Just ask her how she feels about it, for cripes' sake, and give her the out graciously if she asks for it.  If she does, however, want to be a bridesmaid, then let her keep being one.  I don't know why "kick her out" even came up.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

Ditto.  It's not like you're kicking her out because she's pregnant or doesn't want to plan with you.  It sounds like she really does want to celebrate with you.  Ask her.  It's also possible she really does want to stand up with you, but may need a little financial help.  Make sure you are clear on her budget when you go shopping for dresses, and let her wear her own shoes/jewelry and make her own arrangements for hair and make-up, or help her pay for it.  Then she shouldn't have any reason to complain about finances.

caseyandlizzie

I would just have a chat with her about it. Tell her you understand if she doesn't want to be a BM and it won't hurt your feelings if she'd rather be a guest. Some people feel obligated to accept an invitation to be in the wedding party even if they'd prefer not to be, which to me is pretty ridiculous.

suz62984

Next time she makes a comment just say "Well, would you prefer to just be a guest at my wedding. I would love to have you as a BM but as a friend I don't want to add an extra burden."

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-giving-not-subtle-hints?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80c021c7-6597-4da0-91ec-76abaad16846Post:a7555e02-7832-4d20-9c7c-098f68485306">Re: BM Giving Not So Subtle Hints</a>:
[QUOTE]It was obviously just a joke - relax.
Posted by eebjvs11[/QUOTE]

You can't even imagine how many people ask "Should I kick my BM/MOH out of the party" on this board.  Using that phrase -- even as a joke -- is just asking for people to think you're serious.  Sorry if you weren't, but I still stand by what I said.

eebjvs11

baystateapple - I know, I have read people write things like that for the most ridiculous reasons... I was just poking fun of that because it would be very stupid to just kick her out... and I thought the idea sounded ridiculous enough that people would get that. However you are correct - some people are crazy about this stuff and they will kick anybody out for any reason. I really was just playing with my poll - I've never posted one before and I wasn't even sure it would post. I can't get rid of it now though.

baystateapple

It's fine, and I didn't mean to snap your head off, it's just those words are fire to powder lol.

Malphabet is counseling you not to be talking about your wedding to these girls because you ARE so far out, and even if you DO have most of your plans set already (I know I had a lot done early on because I was hyper-planning in the beginning), generally we counsel patience on this board.  Friendships change over such a long period of time.  The majority of brides who come on the board saying "Should I kick her out?" made the mistake of asking their party way too early, and are now forced to deal with the repercussions.  So that's why she said what she said.

ETA: Also, the BMs really have nothing to do with your wedding until about six months out (ordering the dresses) and then nothing until the very end.  So if you bombard them with wedding talk this early, they're liable to get burned out/sick of wedding talk/bored with it, and you really don't want that.

baystateapple

Then say "BM, I have to ask, you seem to really not like the idea of being a bridesmaid in so many weddings.  Are you sure you're okay with being in ours?  I don't want to make you feel put out in any way."  That gives her an opening and puts the ball in her court.  And go from there.  All you really can do.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-giving-not-subtle-hints?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:80c021c7-6597-4da0-91ec-76abaad16846Post:310411fd-3ce7-4bfa-ac57-5b6244e603b3">Re: BM Giving Not So Subtle Hints</a>:
[QUOTE]mbcdefg - Even though our wedding is 16 months out, it's almost completely planned and done - so yes, I do believe I have a right to talk about my wedding with my bridesmaids no matter how close or far away it is. If she is venting that is fine and I'm there to listen but I feel that she needs to be a little bit more sensitive to the fact that she is also in my wedding and it might make me feel uncomfortable to hear her talk about how much she hates being in weddings.... is that really so terrible?
Posted by eebjvs11[/QUOTE]

I didn't say that you don't have the right to talk about your wedding, but I <strong>AM</strong> saying that there's no <strong>NEED</strong> to talk about it with this girl.

If she's a bridesmaid, then all she "needs" to know is what dress to get and when to get it; the information about the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner; and when and where to be on the wedding day. Anything else - yeah, it can be fun to talk about, but please realize that nobody will ever be as excited for your wedding as you will be. Especially when said wedding is more than a year away. People just. don't. care. that much at that point in the game. It's not because they don't love you - it's because it's a party that's a year away that they have no hand in planning.

And yes, I still think you're being entirely too sensitive if you're taking her complaints personally. Being in a wedding is expensive and it's a lot of time involved. Yes, it's an honor for them to be asked, but they are also doing the bride/groom a giant favor and honor by giving up their time and money to be in the wedding. It's not all rainbows and sunshine on their end, and it's not right of you to expect her to shut her mouth about her concerns just because it makes <em>you</em> feel sad. Maybe it makes <em>her</em> feel sad not to get to vent about it. 

If you insist on talking to her about your wedding 16 months in advance, fine. But just realize that that opens the door for her to vent about the money she has to spend to be in all these weddings. So you can either stop talking to her about your wedding and focus your attention on other things and maybe she will not mention the wedding woes ... or you can keep talking to her about your wedding and that'll open the floodgates for more complaints. Your choice.

xoxob

Oh my god. You are so defensive. They are just giving you advice. It sounds from your post that you do talk a lot of wedding glib, seeing as your friend brings up her desire to be a guest over a BP member so frequently it hurts your feelings. They are reacting to what they read and you're freaking out. Baystate never said, you, specifically as a person bombards her WP, FYI.

Malphabet was just giving the general suggestions this board gives every gilr (you can read them in the sticky notes). Also, apparently your poll made you look like a raging tool-butt.

Clearly, you're doing everything right as it is, so why bother asking us? I'm also not sure what all of your responses have to do with, besides "No no no, it's not me, she is bringing it up and hurting my feelings."

How would you react if your friend was accidentally hurting your feelings and it didn't have to do with your wedding? Sit down and talk to her? The logical thing to do? Oh, well, then treat this exactly the same way and be sure to ask her how she is feeling.

She may be overwhelmed because she is in so many weddings and planning one herself. Obviously she wants to save money.