Wedding Party

Bridesmaid-zilla Anyone have one?

**Update**

I felt like this needed an update considering some of the responses. First, she sent me an emailed message to which my immediate response was to call. She didn't pick up so I left a message for her to return my call. She did call me back later that evening and I thought we had worked it out. I know Facebook isn't the best of things but when I went on later that evening I noticed she had posted things like "Scathing letter sent" and "let the arrows fly". When I asked her about the messages on FB (seeing as how she said she just had to get things off her chest as to not say them to me at the wedding) she said she could say whatever she wanted on FB and don't worry, she didn't tell anyone who she was talking about.

I was just taken aback by the whole situation. It all seemed childish and petty. When I brought up our phone conversation earlier (that we had seemed to work it out) she responded saying she stood by everything in her email (I have emails and texts showing that things happened a different way then what she says in her "scathing letter"). She took it one step further in her FB posts saying "I am so done with these people"- a.k.a. my family).

After one call I thought we cleared the air but she then turned around and started the non-sense all over again.

The resolution ended up being this- Since she did not feel she could support me I told her not to worry about being a bridesmaid but she was still welcome to come to the wedding.

Orginial Message:

I picked my bridesmaids and he picked his groomsmen. 5 and 5. All set to go. Then one lost her job and backed out. I was ok with this. I would rather her worry about herself and her situation then paying for a dress and travel/hotel etc. 

Then I had the worst experience with someone who was supposed to be my best friend. (For over 16 years). She decided that two months out from the wedding she would tell me how horrible of a friend I was. That 5 years ago I did X to her and 3 years ago I did Y to her. Then I was insisting that she over pay for a dress because I asked that she not show cleavage at the church (she is a big on top but she wanted to wear an extremely low cut dress). I even gave her money for the dress and told her the matieral and color but said she could pick her style. Apparently asking her to cover up meant that I was ultra jealous of her and was worried that she would "show me up on my big day" (her words). She goes on this rant and then sends me a text giving me 24 hours to respond if I still wanted her to be in my wedding. Sounded like a plot to back out of the wedding but had to twist a knife to make sure I would say no to her being in it.

Anyone else have this issue or was I just the lucky one? 

Re: Bridesmaid-zilla Anyone have one?

  • Don't be that one bride that kicks people to the curb, because that's what it looks like she's trying to do. All she has to do is wear the dress, show up on time, and smile for pictures. Don't feed into this drama. Let her know that you'd be honored to have her stand up with you at your wedding and it's completely up to her what she wants to do. I see this friendship disintegrating fast once the wedding's over.
  • @JordanF13... if you think the friendship will dissolve as soon as the wedding is over, why include her?

    I feel like she's looking for an out without having to say to anyone 'yes I backed out of my good friends wedding'.

    As for the bride - you need to decide what is best FOR YOU. You know her, do you believe she will continue to carry this drama? Actually, she already is - I would gently let her know that you are both on the same page. 'Suzie, I would still love for you to come to the wedding, but I don't want to ask you to be a part of the wedding party if the dress will make you uncomfortable. If you change your mind in the next month or so, please let me know because you would still be welcome in the WP, but if not, its ok'
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-zilla-anyone-have-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80e42910-40d1-4e16-892c-42e908a345e3Post:ed23d59e-4952-4f1c-986c-68ca11d53ac4">Re: Bridesmaid-zilla Anyone have one?</a>:
    [QUOTE]@JordanF13... if you think the friendship will dissolve as soon as the wedding is over, why include her? I feel like she's looking for an out without having to say to anyone 'yes I backed out of my good friends wedding'. As for the bride - you need to decide what is best FOR YOU. You know her, do you believe she will continue to carry this drama? Actually, she already is - I would gently let her know that you are both on the same page. 'Suzie, I would still love for you to come to the wedding, but I don't want to ask you to be a part of the wedding party if the dress will make you uncomfortable. If you change your mind in the next month or so, please let me know because you would still be welcome in the WP, but if not, its ok'
    Posted by sbeatty22[/QUOTE]

    <div>Because if the BM doesn't want to be in the wedding, it should be her choice to walk away. There's no point in kicking her out because she's being difficult, unless of course the bride just wants to end the friendship now. The only acceptable reasons for a bride to remove a BM from the wedding is if they hit on her or tried to kill her. Your wording is still giving the Bm leverage to tell people the bride kicked her out.</div>
  • OP, you need to let this go. If she removes herself then she removes herself. And don't replace her if this happens.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-zilla-anyone-have-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80e42910-40d1-4e16-892c-42e908a345e3Post:d835cbd7-eddf-40f3-b845-e77a9eacd3d9">Re: Bridesmaid-zilla Anyone have one?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid-zilla Anyone have one? : Because if the BM doesn't want to be in the wedding, it should be her choice to walk away. There's no point in kicking her out because she's being difficult, unless of course the bride just wants to end the friendship now. <strong>The only acceptable reasons for a bride to remove a BM from the wedding is if they hit on her or tried to kill her.</strong> Your wording is still giving the Bm leverage to tell people the bride kicked her out.
    Posted by JordanF13[/QUOTE]

    <div>Where is this decreed?</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-zilla-anyone-have-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80e42910-40d1-4e16-892c-42e908a345e3Post:8e4c190d-e398-48a2-a7b6-712c9466db86">Re: Bridesmaid-zilla Anyone have one?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid-zilla Anyone have one? : Where is this decreed?
    Posted by PJSPJS[/QUOTE]

    It's kinda common sense. Kicking someone out of your BP is basically saying that you don't want to honor that friendship anymore. It also says that your entire friendship has taken a backseat to one freakin' day of your life in the interest of making everything "perfect."

    A BM who is being difficult is not an impossible situation. I'm assuming you asked her because you were extremely close and you care about her a lot? So talk like adults and find a compromise that makes you both happy.

    Also, I'm sure if she dropped out you would think it was shhitty of her and would probably let the friendship disintegrate, so why would it be okay to kick her out?

    If you WANT to end the friendship over this or for any other reason, end it like you would cut off anyone else you don't like anymore. But it's not all about you and your wedding. The rules of common decency don't change because you're getting married.
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  • Thank you Ali, you said it better than I could have.
  • It sounds like she has some kind of issues with you. Not the wedding, or the dress she is supposed to wear, but you. I have no idea what I would do, except let everything drop and see what happens. Maybe ask if she wants to talk about the times you were a bad friend to her. Or stop talking to her, basically ending the friendship now and sending the message you no longer want her in your BP. 
    ~Emily~
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-zilla-anyone-have-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80e42910-40d1-4e16-892c-42e908a345e3Post:d835cbd7-eddf-40f3-b845-e77a9eacd3d9">Re: Bridesmaid-zilla Anyone have one?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid-zilla Anyone have one? : Because if the BM doesn't want to be in the wedding, it should be her choice to walk away. There's no point in kicking her out because she's being difficult, unless of course the bride just wants to end the friendship now. The only acceptable reasons for a bride to remove a BM from the wedding is if they hit on her or tried to kill her. Your wording is still giving the Bm leverage to tell people the bride kicked her out.
    Posted by JordanF13[/QUOTE]
    And it doesn't matter how justified the bride might feel in kick out the BM, to anyone else outside the situation, unless the BM was on the news trying to light the bride's house on fire, the bride is going to come across as the brat who was treating her friends like props (even if she wasn't).  It's the nuclear option, and should always be the last resort.  There's no way to do it and stay friends, or to avoid the drama that will come from mutual friends.  Stick to the high ground, let her decide if she wants out.<div>
    </div><div>Also, was this really all just about her cleavage?  Because I can understand wanting her not to wear anything super low-cut, but no cleavage at all isn't exactly possible once you get over a certain size.  I have friends who would have cleavage in turtlenecks.  Surely there's a more diplomatic way to compromise that isn't going to come across as, "Cover up, you hussy."</div>
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    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • I feel like there has to be more to this story.

    Stop the texting and CALL her.   Just tell her that you love her and want her in the wedding in the chosen dress.   If she can't do that then she's removed herself.   Ditto aerin that there can be an issue if she's very large chested.   IMO there's a difference between trashy cleavage and so large chested that there's no way to avoid it.   The important thing is that the dress is tasteful.
  • I didnt read above posts but i can tell you what happened with me

    MOH was a complete witch, told me FI doesnt love me cause we dont "kiss in public" or "hold hands" totally wrong but she never hangs out with the both of us together so she wouldnt know. told us our marriage wouldnt last and it wont work out.

    there was a lot more too, not appropriate for TK

    ended up telling her anyone who doesnt believe in our love or support our marriage isnt going to stand with us, but she was more than welcome to come to the wedding as a guest
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  • edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-zilla-anyone-have-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:80e42910-40d1-4e16-892c-42e908a345e3Post:1498441c-d6b6-4122-802d-8a64b8eea0aa">Re:Bridesmaidzilla Anyone have one?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ditto everyone else. Either end the friendship with no mention of the wedding or tell her you still want her in it, wearing the agreed upon dress. I'd have to see the dress to tell you if she's overreacting or not. Is everyone wearing the same dress? Are they all in different dresses? Is she in a special dress that is more "modest" but the others wearin the same dress?
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Initally everyone was wearing a different dress but all were very modest. My "requirements" said No boobs and no butts. I told this to all of the girls. She was the only one to come back and say she had problem with it and that "I couldn't possibly expect her not to show her boobs". She is not the most modest in terms of bridesmiad dress... with one exception, they were all equally modest. The one exception is actually more modest because she requested to wear this jacket type thing (which works and is cute).
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-zilla-anyone-have-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:80e42910-40d1-4e16-892c-42e908a345e3Post:54d4b6e2-8958-423c-9c45-b474c75864b8">Re: Bridesmaid-zilla Anyone have one?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds like she has some kind of issues with you. Not the wedding, or the dress she is supposed to wear, but you. I have no idea what I would do, except let everything drop and see what happens. Maybe ask if she wants to talk about the times you were a bad friend to her. Or stop talking to her, basically ending the friendship now and sending the message you no longer want her in your BP. 
    Posted by emichele87[/QUOTE]

    After everything that went down, I would have to agree with you. And this was suggested by another person (outside of this post/blog section). About 4 years ago our lives started going separate ways and it seems like this was a bigger issue for her then me (we both moved, her out of state and me 5 hours away from our "original" home city). After that, looking back, things changed.
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