Mother of the Bridesmaid ( vent.. Opinion ) LONG

Wonders

My bridemaid who I love dearly sent a msg couple months ago and asked FI and I , if we are really sure we want her to be in the wedding party, and that we should pray about it and she wouln't be offended if we decide not have her aymore...Okay, that was a big " what in the world" moment  from both of us. We really love her and we have a very good friendhip and she was one the very first of the few people we asked to stand by us..Obviously we re-assure her that there's no doubt about our choice and why would she ask that? Her response was: " I noticed on your website that you guys have a lot friends and I'm just not sure why me, and if some of your friends will be fine seeing me on the altar and not them" Sincerely we were shocked and My Fiancee couldn't believe it. She is very closed to our family and our daughters just love her. 

Couple weeks later I called her and asked her if everything's okay because she's been all distant and that I really wants to know what's bothering her...She said nothing, she is just busy with school and work etc... I know it was totallynot  true , So I decided to pray about it. More I pray about it, more  I'm feeling that is probably about some of the people we invited that she doesn't quite like included her ex-fiancee and his family.

A little background: We actually met her through a friend who was her fiancee at the time...i became very close to her, and Fi still has a normal old pal relationship with the guy...It was very clear to both of them that we don't take side in these situations. Both moved on and have each someone in their life.

Now, I called her back and I asked her upfront if it is because of her ex and his family ( Sisters ...) that are invited she's feeling this way...and she said

" Well I guess they are your friends and you have the right to invite anyone you want to your wedding " ... I got a little frustrated and soft at the same time and then I told her we should have probably thought more about her feelings before sending the website to them, and I'm sorry Blah blah "

She said, it's fine and that we can invite them if we still want though...and we both got emotional ( I apologize , she understood, she's happy etc and  she add : " My mom actually warned me about you guys in a way. She thought you were too different from me and that people like you do stuff just to please people and they necesarely don't love them but they 're just fake and she cannot stand people like that...and she doesn't know why I am friend with you...I tried to told her that you are actually good people, but it's just that you know a lot of people...." and I said REALLY!!!!!! and she said, " yes..she thinks you are too nice to all people and she cannot trust  you being good people etc..." She said, what she was trying to say is  we should think about what her mom said ....and she dearly still want to stand by me because she loves us very much etc...

WOW !!! That's all I can say I couldn't even think...FI is very upset and couldn't believe the whole story and said the mom is out of the guestlist and doesn't even know what to think about the friend ( By the way, the mom  has always been nice to us and very friendly) 

I just prayed all day about the whole thing. I didn't know what to think...

I needed to  vent...

This was really long! Sorry.

AutumnFair

Personally, your friend should have kept her mouth shut on what her mom said, but if you disinvite her mom now you are just proving to her that she was right about you. I would just let this blow over and move on. Also, good job on actually communicating with your bridesmaid and getting to the bottom of what was really bothering her, so many BM problems can be solved with actual open communication. 

SirJuliusVonHaast

Oh no! I would be very upset too if this happened to me. The BM definitely shouldn't have told you what her mother said. Also, if I were you I probably would have stood up for myself and said that I'm not fake and that it's not that hard to be nice to people. 

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mother-of-bridesmaid-vent-opinion-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8162da04-5ce1-435c-a70f-e48a24ec7402Post:156dcde2-98ec-4e5e-8080-8bbbd0a2295e">Mother of the Bridesmaid ( vent.. Opinion ) LONG</a>:
[QUOTE]My bridemaid who I love dearly sent a msg couple months ago and asked FI and I , if we are really sure we want her to be in the wedding party, and that we should pray about it and she wouln't be offended if we decide not have her aymore...Okay, that was a big " what in the world" moment  from both of us. We really love her and we have a very good friendhip and she was one the very first of the few people we asked to stand by us..Obviously we re-assure her that there's no doubt about our choice and why would she ask that? Her response was: " I noticed on your website that you guys have a lot friends and I'm just not sure why me, and if some of your friends will be fine seeing me on the altar and not them" Sincerely we were shocked and My Fiancee couldn't believe it. She is very closed to our family and our daughters just love her.  Couple weeks later I called her and asked her if everything's okay because she's been all distant and that I really wants to know what's bothering her...She said nothing, she is just busy with school and work etc... I know it was totallynot  true , So I decided to pray about it. More I pray about it, more  I'm feeling that is probably about some of the people we invited that she doesn't quite like included her ex-fiancee and his family. A little background: We actually met her through a friend who was her fiancee at the time...i became very close to her, and Fi still has a normal old pal relationship with the guy...It was very clear to both of them that we don't take side in these situations. Both moved on and have each someone in their life. Now, I called her back and I asked her upfront if it is because of her ex and his family ( Sisters ...) that are invited she's feeling this way...and she said " Well I guess they are your friends and you have the right to invite anyone you want to your wedding " ... I got a little frustrated and soft at the same time and then I told her we should have probably thought more about her feelings before sending the website to them, and I'm sorry Blah blah " She said, it's fine and that we can invite them if we still want though...and we both got emotional ( I apologize , she understood, she's happy etc and  she add : " My mom actually warned me about you guys in a way. She thought you were too different from me and that people like you do stuff just to please people and they necesarely don't love them but they 're just fake and she cannot stand people like that...and she doesn't know why I am friend with you...I tried to told her that you are actually good people, but it's just that you know a lot of people...." and I said REALLY!!!!!! and she said, " yes..she thinks you are too nice to all people and she cannot trust  you being good people etc..." She said, what she was trying to say is  we should think about what her mom said ....and she dearly still want to stand by me because she loves us very much etc... WOW !!! That's all I can say I couldn't even think...FI is very upset and couldn't believe the whole story and said the mom is out of the guestlist and doesn't even know what to think about the friend ( By the way, the mom  has always been nice to us and very friendly)  I just prayed all day about the whole thing. I didn't know what to think... I needed to  vent... This was really long! Sorry.
Posted by Wonders[/QUOTE]

How old are you and your friend?  Adults don't let mommy dictate who they can be friends with.

Wonders

Thank you ladies. I'm 30 years old and my friend is 31. 

@Autumnfair: Thank you ! I also thought we can still invite her ...In my opinion, she may not even come since she does not like us anyway...But FI thinks that's exactely telling her that she's right about us by inviting her eventhough we now know that she dislike us...He got a point...But I just don't know

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mother-of-bridesmaid-vent-opinion-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8162da04-5ce1-435c-a70f-e48a24ec7402Post:8621f62d-26c5-478f-bdb8-c4ddb9ed6f1b">Re: Mother of the Bridesmaid ( vent.. Opinion ) LONG</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Bridesmaid ( vent.. Opinion ) LONG : That's where my brain is today.  Will you please explain to K that my unproductivity is your fault for monopolizing it today?  :) OP, what Tide said.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

No prob, Stage.  Glad to have you back :)

pretzelgrrl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mother-of-bridesmaid-vent-opinion-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8162da04-5ce1-435c-a70f-e48a24ec7402Post:9182f6e3-b741-4c19-94eb-a1c9aca9b806">Re: Mother of the Bridesmaid ( vent.. Opinion ) LONG</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you ladies. I'm 30 years old and my friend is 31.  @Autumnfair: Thank you ! I also thought we can still invite her ...In my opinion, she may not even come since she does not like us anyway...But FI thinks that's exactely telling her that she's right about us by inviting her eventhough we now know that she dislike us...He got a point...But I just don't know
Posted by Wonders[/QUOTE]

I do understand where your FI is coming from but I do think you should still invite her.  I always think you need to be careful when making decisions based on second hand information.  She may not have worded it exactly as your BM said it.   If in the future your BM talks about what her mom has said about her my advice is to say something like "I understand how important your mother and her opinion is to you but I would hope that you would base your judgements and opinions on actually knowing us and all of our words and actions towards you.  I think you know that we are not fake we are just lucky to know a lot of great people including you."  That is what I would say and is similar to what I have said to a friend of mine who back in college did not like me.  We are still friends and she is in fact a BM and never mentions her mother's opinion of me anymore.

Wonders

Kmwinglur, Thank you!!! That is a great advice!

TheCranberry

I don't even understand the mom's point.  She doesn't like you because you are too nice to everyone, and she doesn't trust that?  It sounds like her problem, not yours.

doeie04

I think your friends mom is doing the same thing she is accusing you of. She is pretending to be nice to you, when she doens't really like you. Sounds like she is trying to make up excuses to get her daugher to step down?

manychihuahuas

Holy judgmental Batman!!!!!  The BM's mom sounds like a seriously "holier than thou" person.  And your BM is simply too old to be swayed by that sort of thing unless she buys into it herself. 

I would have a VERY frank conversation with the BM and ask point blank if she feels the same way as her mother.  Being a nice person is nothing to look down your nose at someone for.  The person they disaprove of you inviting is not a bankrobbing child molester - he is just the guy that no longer wants to marry her.   Wow.

Perhaps there is a bit of jealousy that she is the BM instead of the Bride at this point?  If so, she needs to own up to it and either put a smile on her face and stop with the nonsense or back out now.

Arayx2

Wow - What a "b" word this mother is!
To me it sounds like the mother of the BM is probably basing her opinions on the fact that you have stayed in contact with the Ex-Fiance but really - doesn't that make you a better friend for remaining in contact with both. I think its not misleading about your character at all - I think it shows maturity and devotion to friends.

Good for you - I would leave her out but that's just me. Your day to share with whomever you want but I would not want someone like that there!

Lauren12182011

So....you're not a nice person because you have too many friends.....LOL!!! I think the best thing to do is decide if/how much this BM's Mom matters to you. If her opinion is seriously hurting you, then find a way to connect with her. The best way to confront her is to prove that she was wrong about her comments. Actions speak louder than words. I would still invite her, mainly for your BM. Even though she's moved on, seeing her ex-FI will be still a tiny bit painful and having her mom there will help her. {This way you don't have to worry about her on YOUR day.} Good luck!!