Does anyone feel this way, or am I the only one??

HKD817

Does anyone feel funny asking your bridesmaids to do things for you? I feel awkward giving them tasks to do, like they work for me or something. Anytime I give them something they are more than happy to help but it still feels weird.

bablingbrooke

I never asked them anything.  And no one says you must ask.

As long as they're happy to do it you aren't doing anything wrong.  It's when you say "You WILL lick envelopes and put together invites because otherwise MY DAY is ruined!!1!eleven!!" that you run into trouble

gottahavashorti

I asked my sister to design something for the invitations.  If it was left to me, I'd just center the words in some random font and hit print.  She's an art major and a font snob so that would have driven her crazy.  So that was asked of her as a "for your sanity, because my plan is this" issue rather than a wedding party duty.

The only other thing I asked them to do was try on BM dresses with a specified designer, color, fabric and length.

If they've offered to help, would you be more comfortable asking them what they'd like to help with?  Just don't require that they do anything.

SarahPLiz

YOu don't have to ask them to do anything, but as your friends, I would think they would be open to helping you if you asked, just like anything else in your life (moving, shopping, redecorating, studying, etc). If they don't feel qualified or have enough time, they will probably tell you.

emilyinchile

I actually bought my one local BM lunch yesterday to thank her for coming to a dress fitting (even though she is a wedding photog and LOVES everything wedding-related) because I realize that she's doing me a favor by taking time out of her day to come tell me if my hem is crooked or not. Other than that, I haven't asked my BMs to do anything beyond getting the dress.

If you feel funny, don't do it anymore. If they offer to help, you can see if you feel ok about accepting that help or would rather just say "thanks, but I've got it under control and would rather not impose on you guys...what do you say to drinks tomorrow instead of you spending time doing wedding errands for me?"

SarahPLiz

Oh, and I don't like to ask people to do things for me either. My sisters have offerred, but I haven't asked them to do anything yet.

Even at work I have a hard time delegating to my staff, even though its really their job to do what i need them to do. Its something I am actively working on, and its HARD.

aerinpegadrak

I've waited until they've offered, and up until recently, I didn't need any help.  I've finally started giving the ones who've approached me concrete tasks, and honestly, they seemed thrilled to be helping.  Seriously, you should have heard my mom when I called and asked her to bake a batch of cookies for the reception, she lit right up.

If they're coming to you and saying, "What can I do?", as long as you're keeping the tasks reasonable, I wouldn't feel weird about it.  If you've been fairly laid-back thus far, chances are they're asking because they genuinely want to do something helpful.

baystateapple

The only thing I've asked my girls to do is get measured for their dresses and order them before the deadline.  And pick a shoe color.  That's it, though.  I could never ask them to do other things.  They're all over the Northeast, and they also all have busy lives.  To ask them to drop everything for my wedding would be ludicrous.

mbcdefg

Yes, I would feel weird just assigning them tasks, so I haven't done it. Because it's not their responsibility to help plan my wedding.

I've asked for things a few times - if they'd pick up vases for me the next time they're at the craft store and I'd reimburse them ... if they wanted to come to a dress shopping appointment with me ... most of the time they were happy to help, but a few times they were busy and that's O.K.

They've offered to do a few things here and there, so I accepted the stuff I wanted and said "Thanks but we've got that covered" to the stuff I didn't.

NEVER just assign them something. If you feel weird asking for help, then wait until they offer. Or trade off something nice for them ... "Would you mind helping me stuff invitations sometime next week? We can go out for drinks afterward, my treat."

hildeedee

i've asked a few of my friends and BMs for a few things (i'm having a small wedding party, but have a lot of girlfriends that still want to do stuff).

i've mostly gotten a lot of offers for help and will take people up on those offers when/if i need them. i've asked my sister and her boyfriend for some help because they're artistic and are helping with centerpiece ideas and a monogram...i did offer to pay her boyfriend for doing the monogram, but he said no. and also asked a friend who sews if she could help me do table runners. i guess for most of the stuff i've asked for help on it's not, do this for me, but rather, since you're an expert and good at this, can you help me at your convenience if you want.

i definitely would feel weird assigning tasks, but i don't feel weird asking for help from people i am close to and know are interested and want to help. 

*and just to edit in case my first line sounded bad...the ones i asked were ones that offered and said they really wanted to be involved and help with everything and anything (i have a few friends that are VERY into wedding planning).

bablingbrooke

Stick around, HDK, we need more sane people like you in this world!  You wouldn't believe how many girls give their BMs "the list", the BMs say no, and come here asking how to "politely" ask them to take a hike.  And then cite "the list" as if it's gospel on wedding planning.  

deepcovejackie

Good thinking HDK!  If it doesn't feel right to you to ask them to do things, then it isn't right.

aerinpegadrak

Just remember their offers when you get closer.  Trust me, I'm a couple of months out, and it's a huge relief to be able to delegate a few things so I don't have to worry about them.  You want to be able to maintain your sanity, especially if you have a lot of DIY projects (like I do).  If you really do need the help, don't be afraid to ask for it.  Just be gracious if they say no.

mbcdefg

I also don't like to accept help, because I'd rather FI and I have 100% control over what we're planning. We don't like having other people involved in this, because we have picky taste on most things and we want to keep things simple.

Ignore the Knot advice about giving tasks to bridesmaids.

trix1223

I'm glad you asked this, because the many, many recent posts about kicking out friends and family because they weren't doing their "duties" made me time travel a bit.

I've been married a long time.  31+ years. I've been MOG and MOB as well.

When I was married, and when I was in WP's back in the day, it really WAS that all a  BM did was get the dress,  walk down the aisle, and smile for pictures.  None of my BMs "helped" with wedding tasks.  I did them with my DH and my mom and dad. 

My BMs didn't even attend any of my showers, and I didn't expect them to.  I never went to showers where I was a BM.  We didn't have B-parties then, so that wasn't an issue.  So rehearsal day and wedding day came, and we had a ball together.  There was NO, zero, none, "drama" leading up to the wedding.

Fast forward to 2006 and 2009 when my son and DIL, and DD and SIL were married.  Neither of the brides asked their WP for assistance with wedding realted stuff.  The girls DID attend the showers, and DID attend the b-party. 

At DIL's shower, her mom said that she knew that the BMs were still in college (most of them) or new young professionals, and she chose to pay for everything.
At DD's shower, each girl provided a dessert and bottle of wine, and I provided the rest.  Low cost and lovely. 

And guess what........NO drama in either wedding.  They came off fine.  Neigher my DIL nor my DD was disappointed or unhappy with members of their WP. 

I think the difference here is whether a bride graciously ACCEPTS assistance, or DEMANDS it.  Guess which one works better.

frmrsdghtr

I am sooo glad to hear everyone say that they didn't ask their BM's to do anything. My girls are really excited to plan my shower and Bachlorette party and really want to help but I have trouble delegating tasks or even asking for help. I am glad to hear that its not expected for them to help at all. I feel like they will have their own wedding one day and don't have to plan mine.

HKD817

Let's stop this new trend right now! Ditch the list of duties for the WP! LOL