Wedding Party Bailer

Tiger_Tammer

My FI and I have been engaged since 2008 (April), and had a wedding date set for Sept. 10th. 2011 (9/10/11, pretty easy to remember) by June of that same year. We asked all of our friends that we wanted to be in our wedding party by the end of 2008.
Fast forward to last week, we have several friends who are getting married right around our wedding date and I was calling to coordinate whos wedding was when, including a member of our bridal party. As he sympathised with all the weddings to plan around (because they were in the same situation) he mentioned a friend he had that was getting married a few weeks prior to his very own wedding. I kindly reminded him that our wedding was a "couple weeks" prior to their own wedding, and reminded him to check on the dates and get back to us. Well needless to say his other friends wedding did indeed fall on the same night as our wedding, Even though we had ask him to stand up in our wedding first, he bailed on us. Just kind of a crappy situation, not the end of the world considering how far we are from the wedding yet, just needed to rant!

tidetravel

Sorry.  He's just not that into you.

And, Trix, it's almost 3 years before.  3 years.

vicki0508

Don't hold it against him, I'm sure he feels bad enough about having to choose whose wedding to be in.  And it doesn't really matter that you asked him first, you asked him three years too early, there was no way he could've known that someone else would get engaged and pick the same date as you.

Also, don't feel like you need to "replace" him.  It's ok to have uneven sides, don't pick another guy to be a filler GM.

mbcdefg

Well, that sucks, sorry. But why did you ask three years in advance?

Also, even though it's natural to be disappointed, also remember that it's an invitation to be a groomsman, not a subpoena. He can decline the invitation if he wishes, for whatever reason, even if he initially agreed to do it. Maybe he's just a lot closer to this other person.

Ditto PPs, don't replace him. Just carry on with whoever's left. You don't need even sides.

frogurt814

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-bailer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:834faa1d-9f43-4fe0-8138-42f91fd990c9Post:65c27bce-5703-41dd-a390-9df73543dd69">Re: Wedding Party Bailer</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh I know it's not manditory, but that doesnt make it any less disappointing. <strong>The only reason I asked so far ahead, other than sheer excitement, is so everyone had enough time to plan</strong>, and save money as they felt necessary (my friends appreciated that actually). Only down side being, one guy completely spaced on the date and had a better offer come along. Like I said, not the end of the world, but still disappointing. I have really enjoyed relaxing the past 21/2 years, and taking my time planning the wedding with my FI and each of my friends.
Posted by Tiger_Tammer[/QUOTE]
You do know that a majority of people can plan their wedding in a year or less...why would your wedding party members need 3 years to plan to be in your wedding?

orangecrush32

Sorry that he dropped out, but it's not the end of the world. At the end of the day you'll still be marrying your FI. This is just proof that you shouldn't ask 3 years ahead of time. Things change.

Tiger_Tammer

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-bailer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:834faa1d-9f43-4fe0-8138-42f91fd990c9Post:750352c7-92bd-4c26-8b04-04de78bad73c">Re: Wedding Party Bailer</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Party Bailer : Did you pick $1000 BM dresses and expect your WP members to fly somewhere super expensive?  <strong>Why in the heck would someone need three years to save for someone else's wedding?</strong> Sorry this guy bailed on you and your FI.  I'd be really disappointed if I was in this situation, but I'd just let it go and realize relationships change over time.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

I think there are posters on the WP forum that are upset because they have WP members that are bailing due to money issues, and they are still a year out from their wedding...

3 years is a lot, but it is also a lot of time for them so save what they want, when they want, making it as little stress as possible.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-bailer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:834faa1d-9f43-4fe0-8138-42f91fd990c9Post:d9d3921e-c963-4632-97b2-3ecd733c73be">Re: Wedding Party Bailer</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Party Bailer : I think there are posters on the WP forum that are upset because they have WP members that are bailing due to money issues, and they are still a year out from their wedding... 3 years is a lot, but it is also a lot of time for them so save what they want, when they want, making it as little stress as possible.
Posted by Tiger_Tammer[/QUOTE]
Here's the point though: You should be asking them what their budget is before you even look for dresses so that they don't have to save up.  If they have to save, your wedding's too expensive.  Most people plan a wedding in a year or less; DH and I planned ours in just under one year, I've had about 9 months' notice prior to being in weddings before.  My BFF asked me nearly 2 years in advance, but at the time they thought they'd be getting married last month and instead had to push it back until next fall due to her going to grad school (ETA: You actually have the exact same wedding date).  Guess what: She isn't even really thinking about the wedding yet.  A little bit here and there, but 99% of our conversations are about something other than her wedding.  It's too far out for either of us to be thinking about.  The other BMs and I will throw a bach party and get the outfits and go to the wedding, but I'm not sitting here planning my monthly budget and factoring in her wedding.  That would be crazy.  <div>
</div><div>I can't predict what my income and expenses will be in three years, and neither can you.  I guarantee you that three years ago, when there was no recession, everyone thought they'd have a different financial situation than they do today.  I know I did.  Saying they should have seen this coming is ridiculous--three years ago not even the vast majority of preeminent economists did not predict that we'd see 10% unemployment.  <div>
</div><div>Even 9-12 months is a lot of time for a BM.  Expecting people to stay excited about your wedding for <strong>three years </strong>is unrealistic.  Would you be excited for someone else's wedding for <strong>three years</strong>?<div><div>
</div><div>I appreciate you being disappointed, and I think it's fine to take a day or two to feel bummed, but then you need to move on.  You basically asked people to commit to do something before they knew where or when, which, if you think about it, makes it impossible to actually commit to.  Peoples' situations change, finances change, and sometimes things come up that you can't work around.  </div></div></div></div>

stina93446

I can see why you'd be disappointed, but life goes on and relationships change. He may have honestly forgot, so maybe don't hold it against him forever.....

HOWEVER, look on the bright side....

1 less groomsman means

1 less meal to pay for

1 less BP gift to buy

1 less person to coordinate with

1-? less drinks to pay for

1 less boutinere to pay for.

See? You saved some money....

bablingbrooke

Did anyone else misread the title as "Wedding Party Baller" and read out of sheer intrigue?

stina93446

Yes, at first I thought it said BALLER, and I was thinking. "okay, the only time I've ever see the word baller was when a 'thug' used it." lol

Robyn5298

Tiger - I can see why this situation would disappoint you and your fiance and I completely get the need to vent.  However, I think you're on the right track if you take the advice other ladies have given you to feel badly for a day or two, then let it go.  When all is said and done you can't change the situation so it's best for you to "suck it up" and move on.

For what its worth, there was a "friend of a friend" in my circle that chose the same wedding date as me.  Two of the girls that were invited to my wedding felt they were closer to the other girl and decided to attend her wedding instead of mine.  (Also my wedding was across the country so that may have played a role in their decision as well.)  Either way, one of the girls that chose the "other wedding" was my brother's girlfriend.  She's a friend of mine too and her relationship with my brother hadn't become that serious when she declined my invitation.  As my wedding date got closer, her relationship with my brother became more serious and also became closer with me and she felt awful that she had decided not to attend.  On the day of the wedding it became apparent that she regretted her decision to go to "the other wedding" as she was texting and calling my brother all day to check in.   

Point of the story is that this was probably a tough decision for your groomsman to make, regardless of "who asked first".  You'll come across like the bigger person if you can be graceful through the process and respect his decision to attend the other wedding. 

So yes, by all means be disappointed for a short time.  But then pick up the pieces and move on.  I promise you, on the day of your wedding you will be on such a cloud of love that this situation won't faze you at all.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-bailer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:834faa1d-9f43-4fe0-8138-42f91fd990c9Post:47ae1147-d660-45ae-a415-baecb230a7ec">Re: Wedding Party Bailer</a>:
[QUOTE]Did anyone else misread the title as "Wedding Party Baller " and read out of sheer intrigue?
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I totally did.  Then I was disappointed.  

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