Bridesmaid difficulty- Advice needed

Sarah1029

Over the past summer I gotten engaged and will be married in August of 2010. I asked my middle sister to be my maid of honor because growing up we were very close. I then asked my oldest sister to be a bridesmaid which I was very hesitant to do because she is very opinionated about very thing. Things between me and my oldest sister were fine until it came time to start looking at bridesmaids dresses. We looked at David's Bridal and of coarse she hated every dress she tried on, complaining that dresses just don't fit her right because she is tall. I tried to explain to her that we can tailer them to make them longer. She then continued to complain that their selection "sucked". After that I gave up on bridesmaids dresses for a while. Then I decided to hope on the internet to see if I could find something better for her and I found a great website that custom makes dresses to fit people. They had great style with awesome fabric. But when I told her about it she instantly started to complain, saying that because they don't have a store near her that they will mess up the dress and she wont look good or feel good in her dress. I tried to explain that she should at least try it on and see if they can make it work. Then all hell broke lose. She said I was being self center for wanting her to buy a very expensive dress ($195) that wont even look good on her. I once again tried to explain that they custom make the dress so she will look good and that the price is a little higher than normally because they specially make it. I feel like I have been going out of my way to make my sister happy and she continues to make things harder for me. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

mags0607

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-difficulty-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:85abb035-ad4d-4052-a7c0-d18aa00453f3Post:0a208fa2-215d-437e-a3ad-ca25ee55cb11">Bridesmaid difficulty- Advice needed</a>:
[QUOTE]Over the past summer I gotten engaged and will be married in August of 2010. I asked my middle sister to be my maid of honor because growing up we were very close. I then asked my oldest sister to be a bridesmaid which I was very hesitant to do because she is very opinionated about very thing. Things between me and my oldest sister were fine until it came time to start looking at bridesmaids dresses. We looked at David's Bridal and of coarse she hated every dress she tried on, complaining that dresses just don't fit her right because she is tall. I tried to explain to her that we can tailer them to make them longer. She then continued to complain that their selection "sucked". After that I gave up on bridesmaids dresses for a while. Then I decided to hope on the internet to see if I could find something better for her and I found a great website that custom makes dresses to fit people. They had great style with awesome fabric. But when I told her about it she instantly started to complain, saying that because they don't have a store near her that they will mess up the dress and she wont look good or feel good in her dress. I tried to explain that she should at least try it on and see if they can make it work. Then all hell broke lose. She said I was being self center for wanting her to buy a very expensive dress ($195) that wont even look good on her. I once again tried to explain that they custom make the dress so she will look good and that the price is a little higher than normally because they specially make it. I feel like I have been going out of my way to make my sister happy and she continues to make things harder for me. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 
Posted by Sarah1029[/QUOTE]
JIC

LarissaAnn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-difficulty-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:85abb035-ad4d-4052-a7c0-d18aa00453f3Post:0a208fa2-215d-437e-a3ad-ca25ee55cb11">Bridesmaid difficulty- Advice needed</a>:
[QUOTE]Over the past summer I gotten engaged and will be married in August of 2010. I asked my middle sister to be my maid of honor because growing up we were very close. I then asked my oldest sister to be a bridesmaid which I was very hesitant to do because she is very opinionated about very thing. Things between me and my oldest sister were fine until it came time to start looking at bridesmaids dresses. We looked at David's Bridal and of coarse she hated every dress she tried on, complaining that dresses just don't fit her right because she is tall. I tried to explain to her that we can tailer them to make them longer. She then continued to complain that their selection "sucked". After that I gave up on bridesmaids dresses for a while. Then I decided to hope on the internet to see if I could find something better for her and I found a great website that custom makes dresses to fit people. They had great style with awesome fabric. But when I told her about it she instantly started to complain, saying that because they don't have a store near her that they will mess up the dress and she wont look good or feel good in her dress. I tried to explain that she should at least try it on and see if they can make it work. Then all hell broke lose. She said I was being self center for wanting her to buy a very expensive dress ($195) that wont even look good on her. I once again tried to explain that they custom make the dress so she will look good and that the price is a little higher than normally because they specially make it. I feel like I have been going out of my way to make my sister happy and she continues to make things harder for me. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 
Posted by Sarah1029[/QUOTE]
It's nice you're trying.  <div>
</div><div>One thing is that $195 IS a lot for some people for a bridesmaid dress.  There are a lot of other companies out there for bridesmaid dresses besides David's Bridal or custom made.  Is there a brand of dress she tends to wear already?  They might very well make bridesmaid-appropriate dresses.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, what are your wedding colors?  You could tell her to find any dress in a specific color (if you put the bridesmaids in black it's easiest, but you can do it in any color) and have your bridesmaids wear different dresses in the same color so each is happy with her own dress.</div><div>
</div><div>It might not help, but you could also - <em>nicely </em>- remind your sister that models are required to be <em>really </em>tall, so height is a wonderful thing and a lot of clothes are actually made to look <em>better </em>on taller people.  The key, though, is that she should feel good when she looks in the mirror.</div>

mags0607

Wow, that was very difficult to read. The ENTER key is your friend.

First off, have you asked your sister what her price range is? $195 is on the high side, and I don't think I would willingly pay that if i couldn't even try the dress on. I don't think your sister is out of line to be hesitant about buying the dress online.

Have you thought about giving your sister a designer and a color choice and letting her shop on her own to find a dress. You do not have to have matching BM dresses. Its like even wedding parties, they are just not necessary.

I think it would be better to have your sister feel comfortable in whatever dress that she is in. It is your wedding, but she is the one that has to wear the BM dress. Most designers do make dresses in a longer length. Alfred Angelo does this because I have had to get one lengthened before.

The bottom line is just try and see if you two can find middle ground. You are stuck with her in the wedding party so really you just have to grin and bear it, and see if you can find a dress within her price range that she likes.

blackfire5th

Well, what would she be comfortable in?  Have you asked her what she would prefer to wear?  Does she feel comfortable wearing dresses at all?  Have you looked at seperates?  What about a nice pant suit?  If it works in your colors, you could ask the bm to get a black dress.  Then she could shop where ever she wanted.

And ditto PP.  You could always pick a designer (david's bridal, alfred angelo, Ann Taylor, J Crew, there are a bunch of other places other ladies can reccommend) a color and length and just let your bm pick whatever style they would like.  You could even ask her if she likes to shop at a particular store and use that one.

blackfire5th

Oh, I'll also add that you could give her the option to find a store by a certain date, let's say Feb 1st otherwise you will just be going with x store.  That way you are giving her a lot of oppurtunity to find something to be comfortable in, but still have a date set when you really do need to start getting info to the other bms.

emilyinchile

I have all my BMs in the same dress and think that's fine. HOWEVER, in order to do that you need to

- ask each BM her budget first (and make sure the dress plus alterations and any other attire costs stick to that budget)
- make sure the BMs feel ok (ie. not fat or overly exposed) in the dresses.

It sounds like your sister is being a pain - unless she has some deeper issue with dresses in general, she can't feel genuinely uncomfortable in every single style. There is a difference between her personally liking the dress as something she would wear all the time (not necessary) and her feeling comfortable wearing it for a few hours one night (necessary).

You have time, so drop this issue for a month or two and then before you start looking again sit down and calmly talk to her about the style of dresses you're thinking and if she has any real objections. If she hates a particular dress, skip it, but otherwise try to remind her that this is sort of how it works when you're a BM.

MyNameIsNot

Yikes.  $195 is a lot to spend on a BM dress.  Did you ask everyone their budget before you started shopping?  Is everyone willing to pay that? 

If she's being difficult about choosing a dress, just give her a color swatch and tell her to go find something that color in whatever length.  She'll be happy and you won't have to worry about it.

ecsmiles

Honestly - I wouldn't pay that much for a dress at all.  She might be acting difficult when you suggested the custom dress because it IS so expensive. 

I agree with other responses - if you go to check out some other bridal boutiques, there are some great designers that are less expensive.  Then if you choose a fabric and color, she can definitely find something that she likes. 

megk8oz

$195 is a big chunk of change for a dress she's probably not going to wear again. Custom made or not, precious and few are the BM dresses that actually get used more than once (Despite the media constantly trying to shove that "Cut it and wear it again" crap down our throats).

I would consult her on her budget, and I agree that maybe giving her x amount of time to try finding something on her own might be a good route to go (If she doesn't find anything, then you can honestly say you gave her a chance to figure it out on her own). Who knows? She might find something great.

I would also recommend just picking a fabric, length and designer and let all your BMs "go nuts" from there. Yes, I'm perosnally having matching dresses(I only have 3 BMs, I gave them a few options, they all picked the same one), but I'm more than aware it's not a legal requirement for getting married.

She is being exceptionally difficult, but she should also be "comfortable" that day. I always tell people all the time who "don't care" how their BMs feel (about anything) to check out the photo galleries on WeTVs "Bridezillas" section. Whether it's hating the dress, hating the day, or just plain hating the bride at that point, you can actually see hatred on the faces of the BMs that are just so miserable for whatever reason at that point. Keeping this in mind, try to compromise with your BMs when it comes to trivial things (Can you honestly say having somebody looking totally piissed off in your wedding photos is worth it over a dress?).

However, if you're going to bend, she should be willing to as well. Is there any way that if your sister really won't stop complaining that  your mom or other sister could be called in for back up? I have to say, my mom and grandmother have been total God-sends for handling my both of my sisters being absolute pains during my entire planning process. Maybe if she just hears it from somebody else (Not just the "crazy bridezilla sister"-which, yes I was called that ... for picking out BM dresses 4 months prior to the wedding, instead of 2 weeks "like any sane person would do", true story), it might put things in perspective for her.

Best of Luck!

aerinpegadrak

What's her budget?  I really wouldn't want to spend nearly $200 on a dress, even though I could afford it, and I NEVER buy clothes without trying them on first, unless the retailer has a really good return policy (and custom made clothing usually isn't returnable).

She's being a pill, but you could stand to be more flexible too.

banana468

I think she's being difficult but there's also some tweaking that needs to be done in the approach.

Talk to her about her budget and find out how much she's willing to spend on a dress.

Then from there, start shopping for dresses in the budget and that fit her style.  Even ask her for pointers and don't be afraid to look at department stores or places like Ann Taylor.

You can remind her that plenty of garments can be ordered with "extra length" if you're looking for long gowns.

Above all, be flexible.  She's buying the dress so she needs to have a say on what she's going to be spending her money on.

amlaplante

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I think you should try approaching the situation from a different angle. Have her try to find a dress. Give her the color/fabric/length your looking for and get her to find a dress she likes. Ask her to come up with a few different options she likes, then you can okay them. Just make sure to give her some sort of time line so it isn't 2 weeks before the wedding when she actaully finds something she likes. Your other bridesmaids seem much more easy going so possibly after your difficult sister picks something, that's what you could go with for the other girls too. If she feels like she has control of the situation maybe things will go a little more smoothly. This day ultimately is about you. She will have her day, or perhaps already did.

lynlovesjoe

could you pay for part of the dress maybe? Like $50 bucks might help make her feel better. The dress that I am having my girls buy is $140, and they don't seem exactly thrilled about the price but I am giving them awesome gifts, and they don't have to go all out on the wedding gifts if they can't spend the money. I'm actually going to pay for my family members dresses/suits because I think it's the right thing to do since they are in financial stress. And my friends should deal with it because I know they go out a lot on vacays and see imax movies for 16 bucks a pop, so come on! haha. And it's called a credit card... use it.

rainsfallsoftly

What's with people reposting the entire original post on a later thread just in case the OP decides to delete it?  If she decides to delete it, so be it.  People wouldn't feel the need to delete things in the first place if a select few had more tact and less snarkiness.

banana468

Rainfallsoftly, can you be more specific?  If there are any actual attacks I'll delete them.

This is a public forum though and that means that anyone can post as long as it's within the rules.  You have to anticipate some snark on the international forums as just part of how things can be.  I don't necessarily love all responses either but this is just the internet. 

aerinpegadrak

People quote the original post so that posters who come late can see what was actually said, instead of having to get a summary from someone who'd read it.  It's annoying not to know what others are talking about if you missed a post, so the reposting is a way of keeping everyone in the loop in case of deletion.