Death Of Our Best Man

Whiptress

We are in the midst of grieving over the death of my fiance's best man.  He was honored to be asked and gratefully accepted only to find out a week later that he had cancer.  He passed away two weeks ago and everyone is at such a loss.  This man was quite an amazing person and left an immeasurable imprint on this world.  My fiance is not sure if he should ask someone else to fill that spot on the wedding day or if he should leave it open out of respect for our departed friend.  Has anyone else out there been in this situation?  Any advice on etiquette is welcome.  Thank you!

mbcdefg

Oh boy, how awful. I'm really sorry

I would not replace someone in your wedding party, no matter what the circumstances as to why he's not in the wedding party anymore. If someone was not close enough to you to be asked the first time around, then it's insulting to them to bring them in as a slot-filler. Your sides don't need to be even. Go on with whoever you have left.

If you just mean that you would ask someone else to fill the Best Man duties (stand next to your FI at the ceremony, hold the rings, sign the license, maybe give a toast), that's fine. Or you can have one groomsman do each of these things.

As to whether or not you want to name this person the Best Man, that's your call, but if it were me I personally would not. I would list your deceased friend in the program as the honorary best man, and maybe offer a prayer or a moment of silence for him during the ceremony.

Whiptress

That is great advice...every word of it.  Thanks so much for your feedback.  Our thoughts on asking a groomsman to fill in are the same as yours.  It just isn't right on any level.  I love the idea of having a moment of silence for our lost guy.  We may even light an extra candle for him during the unity candle part of the ceremony.  I still have him listed on our wedding website as honorary BM. 

It sounds like we're on the right track.  Thank you again for offering your thoughts.

We still can't believe he's gone. 

janedoe1113a

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this.

aerinpegadrak

I'm sorry for your loss.  I think that it might be best to divide the ceremonial BM duties equally between the other groomsmen.

If any of the best man's family will be in attendance at the wedding, it might be best to clear any planned memorials with them in advance.  Otherwise they might come to what is supposed to be a happy occasion and receive an unpleasant shock.

[Deleted User]

Wow, that's terrible. I'm sorry to hear about his death.

I agree with PP that I wouldn't replace him. If you're doing programs, I think mentioning him in memory as the BM would be really meaningful as well. Your FI can always ask a GM to give a toast and they will be standing up with him anyway so the support system will be there.

Whiptress

Yes...very smart thought on clearing any memorial moments with his widow first.  Good call.  She will be there as well as others who were VERY close with him.  I would be horrified if this backfired.  Although our wedding day isn't until October 9, this will still be a painful wound to us.  We want to show ultimate respect for him the correct way.  You guys are all very helpful with your insight. 

Yes, I'm sorry we're going through this too.  We are attending his funeral tomorrow.  We will miss him something fierce.

Thanks all!

trix1223

I'm so sorry for your loss.  My thoughts are with you and your FI.  What a painful thing for both of you.

andy71781

I ditto what PP's said about dividing up best man duties and not replacing him.  I too am so sorry for your loss.

SarahPLiz

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think it would be a great honor to him if you didn't replace him. Someone else can sign the license, and leaving a space in the processional/recessional or an empty chair would be a way to recognize that he is still your FI's best man, without being morbid at your wedding.

starlite21l

I am sooo sorry for your loss.  I agree with all of the PP.  It was an obvious honor to be chosen for him and I think it would only be fit to honor him again by leaving the spot open.  As long as the widow and family are fine with it a moment of silence, a lit candle, a picture or flower would be a great way to have him with you on your special day.  

saxy414

Ditto everyone...and I'm so sorry for your loss.

AutumnFair

I'm very sorry for your loss. Sadly, my own dad had to go through the same thing over 30 years ago, his best friend (and Best Man) was killed in a plane crash a month before my parent's wedding. My dad left the spot open to honor his best friend and just had is his younger brother sign the marriage license. I do not believe they said anything at the wedding but in the programs it listed him in spirit as his best man. Good luck to you and your FI.

SassyBrass

I'm so sorry to hear this! I think it would be good to do something to honor your friend, but I do agree with PPs to make sure his family is okay with something if you are doing something more than a program mention. Most of the time it's not a big deal, but since it is so recent, it may be good to check.
Once again, what a terrible thing to happen and I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

latashaphillips81

wow. i'm sorry to hear about your loss but i wouldnt replace him...maybe you guys can do something small to honor him? again..i'm so sorry to hear about you and your fiancee's loss

Kate5606

I am so sorry for your loss. In regards to a memorial of some kind, in my family we have a tradition of having a "memory candle" in honor of someone who has passed. It is generally a simple candle with a simple card/photo with their name and what made them so special to us.  I hope you find a way of honoring your loved one that fits and gives you peace.

Whiptress

A memory candle with a photo and a card is a great idea!  I am really getting a lot from everyone's feedback out here.  We are definitely taking these suggestions to task.  Thanks again everyone!  Now, after attending both a private funeral and a public memorial for this fine man...it is time to start healing.  It's hard to believe he is gone...what an incredible person he was.

Cheers all!