Need advice about how to handle this....

StephanieD917

Hello everyone. Any advice would be greatly appriciated. I have a friend who since about the week I became engaged has asked who my MOH would be. I don't feel like a friend would ask this, and that it is the brides decision to pick who she wants. I recently asked her to be a bridesmaid, and while she said she was "honored" she forgot to mention that she has a wedding to do the day before mine. My problem is this: I am from Colorado, and the wedding is in Montana. She was planning on doing this first wedding then driving to Montana the same day, showing up around midnight - 1am the night before my wedding. She also keeps asking who my MOH is. It seems like she will all of a sudden be free and will do everything with mine if I make her my MOH. Now my wedding is over 2 1/2 months away and now I only have my other 2 instead of 3 that I planned. I don't know how to go about handling this situation. My fiancee's cousin's wife has been mentioned and apparently she would be happy to do it, but I don't want her to feel like she is only filling in....I guess having a lop sided bridal party would be as bad right? 

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-about-how-to-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:87c6df83-996e-41e2-82e6-9ec24f58e8f8Post:acc0e1e0-0ac4-41c7-a795-367182425e10">Need advice about how to handle this....</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello everyone. Any advice would be greatly appriciated. I have a friend who since about the week I became engaged has asked who my MOH would be. I don't feel like a friend would ask this, and that it is the brides decision to pick who she wants. I recently asked her to be a bridesmaid, and while she said she was "honored" she forgot to mention that she has a wedding to do the day before mine. My problem is this: I am from Colorado, and the wedding is in Montana. She was planning on doing this first wedding then driving to Montana the same day, showing up around midnight - 1am the night before my wedding. She also keeps asking who my MOH is. It seems like she will all of a sudden be free and will do everything with mine if I make her my MOH. Now my wedding is over 2 1/2 months away and now I only have my other 2 instead of 3 that I planned. I don't know how to go about handling this situation. My fiancee's cousin's wife has been mentioned and apparently she would be happy to do it, but I don't want her to feel like she is only filling in....I guess having a lop sided bridal party would be as bad right? 
Posted by StephanieD917[/QUOTE]
I don't get what the problem is either. 

StephanieD917

The problem is her only wanting to be in my wedding if she is the MOH. Thats the problem... What happens if she is on her way up to Montana then someting happens to her car, or other trouble? I feel like she is trying to screw me because now I need to find another person.

Sephiroth

She's trying to screw you...by being in another wedding (that she agreed to before yours)? I'm so confused.

If she has car trouble then she won't make the wedding. Just like if she got in an accident and broke her leg driving to your wedding from inside the same town. What's the problem?

You sound like you don't like her. Why did you ask her to be a bridesmaid if you dislike her this much, and just assume she's trying to screw you (in some vague, non-defined way)?


ETA: Why do you feel like a friend wouldn't ask who the MOH is? That seems like a normal, "I'm interested in your wedding" type friend question. You seem, however, like you are putting the worst possible spin on it.

BassieLynn

Offer to buy a plane ticket if you're so worried.. or at least pay half? Or just be like "hey, I dont want you to feel pressured to make it here on time or anything to happen from being awake so long and on the road, I completely understand if you'd rather not be here for the wedding and just party with me at my reception!"

StephanieD917

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-about-how-to-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:87c6df83-996e-41e2-82e6-9ec24f58e8f8Post:2e8dda46-bedd-4eaa-892f-4424597ff793">Re: Need advice about how to handle this....</a>:
[QUOTE]She's trying to screw you...by being in another wedding (that she agreed to before yours)? I'm so confused. If she has car trouble then she won't make the wedding. Just like if she got in an accident and broke her leg driving to your wedding from inside the same town. What's the problem? You sound like you don't like her. Why did you ask her to be a bridesmaid if you dislike her this much, and just assume she's trying to screw you (in some vague, non-defined way)? ETA: Why do you feel like a friend wouldn't ask who the MOH is? That seems like a normal, "I'm interested in your wedding" type friend question. You seem, however, like you are putting the worst possible spin on it.
Posted by Sephiroth[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow, thanks for the "advice." She should have told me about her plans just so we both aren't stressed. What is the problem with wanting to make sure she is able to make it? I don't dislike her, thats why I asked her to be a bridesmaid. I just think she should say that she is in another wedding so that I know not to expect her. The only reason why I'm wondering why she is always asking about the MOH thing is that it is the only thing she will talk about. But you don't me and I don't know you and I'm not going to be disrespectful.</div>

StephanieD917

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-about-how-to-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:87c6df83-996e-41e2-82e6-9ec24f58e8f8Post:b66d4202-2f80-4bc5-98bf-d070c1473df8">Re: Need advice about how to handle this....</a>:
[QUOTE]Offer to buy a plane ticket if you're so worried.. or at least pay half? Or just be like "hey, I dont want you to feel pressured to make it here on time or anything to happen from being awake so long and on the road, I completely understand if you'd rather not be here for the wedding and just party with me at my reception!"
Posted by BassieLynn[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, I voiced my concerns about her being tired, but she insists that she would be okay, and I think she would be extemely hurt if I told her that its better if shes just a guest. I just wish she could have told me, thats all.</div>

Jen4948

A friend of my SIL who was supposed to be a bridesmaid and come from out of state never showed up at the wedding.  The wedding took place anyway with a lopsided wedding party.  In the end it didn't matter.

Maggie0829

There is no issue here.  She is willing to be in your wedding, so much so that she plans on driving a good distance to your wedding after being in another wedding the day prior.  Seems like a thing a good friend would do to make her friend, the bride, happy.

I think you are reading too much into her question of who your MOH is.  Sounds like a typical question that a friend would ask.  Also, just because she is asking about it doesn't mean that she is making the choice for you.  I didn't quite get that logic in your original post.  Of course it is your decision but people are free to ask what your decision is if they want.  If you don't want to share the answer then that is fine but people can still ask.

I think you are making things out to be a bigger problem then they are because there really is no problem.  If something happens and she can't make it up to your wedding then she just won't be there.  You don't replace her, she hasn't screwed you out of anything, and you just tell her that you will miss her.

Xstatic3333

I agree with PPs, I think it's actually sweet that she is trying so hard to be there for both of her good friends. Don't stress; her driving limits are her choice, and if she is late you still get to get married! Yay! Definitely don't replace her, especially at the last minute. Your cousin's wife might go along with it, but she would feel awkward inside, I promise. FWIW I also have a BM who I won't know until the day of if she will make it, so I do know where you're coming from.

renegade gaucho

Yeah, I've never seen someone get so upset that a friend is going to great lengths to make it to her wedding.  This is really weird.

AddieCake

I'm confused, too. She is trying to be there, and nothing you've said makes me feel like she is wanting to be in it only if she is the MOH.

 How is she secretly trying to screw you? If for some reason she doesn't show up, you are in no way "screwed."  You're screwed if the groom or minister doesn't show up. 

Also, our wedding party was lopsided, so it kind of offends me that you would indicate that's a bad thing. 

antibride2013

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-about-how-to-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:87c6df83-996e-41e2-82e6-9ec24f58e8f8Post:b8491539-7e27-43fb-8a25-98ebf61592fd">Re: Need advice about how to handle this....</a>:
[QUOTE]I think we have a person who is really just upset that her friend is sharing her attention with someone else instead of focusing all of it on her.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

THIS.  It sounds to me OP is mad that her friend is not going to be at her beck and call, and that her friend will be in another wedding.  </div>

gmcr78

I'm confused about what the issue is here, OP.  You said you wished she would have told you that she was in another wedding so that you would have known that? Well she did tell you, you do know that, and she's going to do what she can do make it to both.  I fail to see what the problem is.
What did she do that is making you consider kicking her out of your wedding party, and why do you think it'll end up "lopsided"? She told you she's coming.
Do you have a MOH?  If not, then say that.  If you do, tell her who it is.  What's the big deal?

Peledreamsofrain

I would be moved to the point of tears that a friend would try so very hard to get to my wedding, given the circumstances.  What a beautiful and non-selfish gesture, to drive through the night like a mad-woman, just to keep a promise to a friend.

How could you possibly be angry with someone willing to go to such lengths for you?  Do you randomly set on fire when there isn't even numbers of people standing next to you? 

Do you know what I would be worried about?  My poor friend stuck on the side of the road in the middle of the night because she was trying to get to my wedding.  It would be aweful if something happened to her, but she's risking it anyway.  For you.  And you're mad?     ????????????

TKzilla

Next time she asks who the MOH is, tell her. That'll end the questioning. If it's not her, it's not her. You have two and a half months left, what do you need her to do with/for you? It's up to the bridesmaid to get to the wedding, and if she says she'll be there, then she'll be there. If not, you're still going to get married. This isn't worth stressing over, I promise.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-about-how-to-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:87c6df83-996e-41e2-82e6-9ec24f58e8f8Post:7c851b87-a1f8-4e2d-84fe-cf7666b2e338">Re: Need advice about how to handle this....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice about how to handle this.... : Wow, thanks for the "advice." She should have told me about her plans just so we both aren't stressed. What is the problem with wanting to make sure she is able to make it? I don't dislike her, thats why I asked her to be a bridesmaid. I just think she should say that she is in another wedding so that I know not to expect her. The only reason why I'm wondering why she is always asking about the MOH thing is that it is the only thing she will talk about. But you don't me and I don't know you and I'm not going to be disrespectful.
Posted by StephanieD917[/QUOTE]
Why would you not expect her if she's planning on coming to your wedding?  You're seriously not making sense.

StephanieD917

My problem is, like I said earlier, is NOT the fact that shes in another wedding. Its the fact that she didn't tell me untl now. I think I at least deserve to know that she cant be there for rehearsal. But since everyone is attacking me on this board, Im done. I dont need the advice. I'll ask the question to people who actually know me and my situation.

StephanieD917

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-about-how-to-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:87c6df83-996e-41e2-82e6-9ec24f58e8f8Post:b8491539-7e27-43fb-8a25-98ebf61592fd">Re: Need advice about how to handle this....</a>:
[QUOTE]I think we have a person who is really just upset that her friend is sharing her attention with someone else instead of focusing all of it on her.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Actually, no. I think if you had a person who said that would be in your wedding party, then says by the way, I have another wedding to do, I think you would be a little upset too. Its not a big deal if she told me when she was asked. But hey, I see that you like to judge people that you don't know personally :)</div>

StephanieD917

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-about-how-to-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:87c6df83-996e-41e2-82e6-9ec24f58e8f8Post:f7537784-efb9-4918-ad57-98912f21caa2">Re: Need advice about how to handle this....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice about how to handle this.... : THIS.  It sounds to me OP is mad that her friend is not going to be at her beck and call, and that her friend will be in another wedding. 
Posted by antibride2013[/QUOTE
<div>
</div><div>Its the fact that this wedding is the day before mine and she would have to drive out of state...so again, you are also completely wrong with your response.</div>

StephanieD917

I'm glad that there are a lot of judgemental people on this board who automatically assume that I am a "bridezilla" because she didnt tell me about her other wedding. But hey, I know that I would never come to this board and judge anyone of you guys because I don't personally know you. Its sad that you cannot get advice without getting rude and uncalled for responses.

NYCMercedes

You're making a mountain out of, well, nothing. She's coming to your wedding. What difference does it make what she does the day before? So she misses the rehearsal. The other wedding can be the rehearsal. Not like there's much to rehearse usually, anyway.

Summer2011Bride

I think you are way overreacting. She is willing to do for you what many people would not be willing to do and I think you sound very ungrateful.

If you would've asked her to be a BM regardless of this other wedding, then why are you upset about the other wedding? What does it matter? Rehearsal is not a big deal. Honestly. She can be filled in the morning of, and it pretty much just involves walking and standing, which I'm sure she can do just fine without a big rehearsal.

As far as your comments about not showing up or car accidents....that could happen with BMs from IN town. Do you think only people driving long distances can have car trouble or accidents? This makes no sense and it sounds like you are just making up lame excuses as to why you are upset. You should be so happy she is even willing to drive this long distance to be in your wedding.

StephanieD917

I dont need anymore advice, since everyone wants to be rude anyway. I am not going to bother to comment anymore because I don't need to defend myself against people who do not matter. Thank you.

Salsera29

Maybe she didn't tell you because she knew you would freak out about it, exactly like you are doing. 

duckyyy

My flower girl was in another wedding THE DAY OF mine. In another city 3.5 hours away. The other wedding was in the morning, and ours in the afternoon. She didn't make the walk down the aisle but honestly, I almost didn't even notice. 

Peledreamsofrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-advice-about-how-to-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:87c6df83-996e-41e2-82e6-9ec24f58e8f8Post:f263e1a3-0f2d-4b06-be4a-e32bc707fb76">Re: Need advice about how to handle this....</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm glad that there are a lot of judgemental people on this board who automatically assume that I am a "bridezilla" because she didnt tell me about her other wedding. But hey, I know that I would never come to this board and judge anyone of you guys because I don't personally know you. Its sad that you cannot get advice without getting rude and uncalled for responses.
Posted by StephanieD917[/QUOTE]


Yep, call me judgemental.  I don't think much of people who think about a friend in a car accident and say "hrm... how will that affect <strong>ME</strong>?  How will <strong>I </strong>be impacted?  How is <strong>MY</strong> day changed?  Gosh what an inconvenience for ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME <strong>ME"

</strong>Consider yourself judged.

renegade gaucho

One of our groomsmen couldn't make it to the rehearsal.  He was somehow able to figure out how to walk down the aisle.  Really, this is not anything to get upset about.

lizmanninger

Maybe she's asking about the MOH because she wants to know which bridesmaid to talk to about event planning.

If she's willing to drive to your wedding at 1 am, I think she's a very good friend and you should be thankful!

Ella and Pedro

If my unpaid labor/sounding board/wedding minion was not available to help me select the *perfect* shade of 'born-again virginal off-white' for my mani-pedi and toast me at the rehearsal dinner in all my magnificance, I would be tots boo-hoo also.