Emotional BM trouble

juliambr

I have a friend with whom I was very good friends with in college. Since college, we have not been as close but I still consider her a good friend. The problem is... she can be very emotional and self-centered... I mean cry in 5 seconds over something ridiculous. She tends to ride a severe emotional rollercoaster and I can't deal with a  chance of that happeneing on my wedding day. Also my fiance HATES her (he has tried several times to give her another chance) not to mention his friends/GM are not fans either. Here's my question... I feel she will take it personally if she is not a BM and will damage our friendship... I was thinking i could ask her to do a reading at the wedding/reception instead?

ButtonsPepper

It sounds like you don't even value her friendship. Regardless of how rocky/emotional a friend is, if she means a lot to me, she's there, regardless of what her emotions may "due to my day".

trix1223

If you don't want her as a BM, don't ask her.  NO one, and I mean NO one is owed a place in a WP.  Don't make her part of your WP because you think she'll be upset it you don't.  Ask her because you can't imagine getting married without her standing next to you.

If you do want to include her, let her be a reader in the ceremony.  (I'm not sure what a reader in a reception would exactly do.)

Or include her as guest at your wedding, which is, in and of itself, an honor.

bablingbrooke

This doesn't sound like much of a friendship to me.  You aren't obligated to have her in the wedding just because she's so emotionally needy.  It also sounds like having her would be lots of trouble--will she cry if she suggests an idea for the wedding you don't wind up using?  If you propose a dress she doesn't like?  What if she thinks the other BMs are "being mean" or "not including" her?  Do you really want to run interference on this?  She sounds like the type around whom you have to walk on eggshells.  I don't know why you'd want someone like that in your life, much less your wedding. 

megk8oz

Unless you already asked her, there's no reason for you to include her in the BP if you don't want her there.

If you did ask her, then you're stuck.

It really sounds like you don't want her standing up for you and that you're trying to use how your FI and the GMs feel about her as validation. You don't need to validate not wanting somebody standing up for you. Nobody is owed a spot in your BP (Though, I tend to make exceptions in the case of siblings). I've been friends with this one girl since I was 12 (I'm now 25), and I was a BM for her and everything ... and I didn't ask her to be in mine. She's a person that I know I've drifted from (Honestly, if DH and I didn't like her husband so much, we probably would have lost all contact with her after her wedding) for quite a few reasons-her being a total bridezilla did not help things-so I felt absolutely no reason to ask her. She really pressed the issue a few times and tried to guilt me into it, and it got ugly for a while. But I stood my ground (I was nice about it though, I was never "You're not a BM because I can't stand you!"), and just had her as a guest, and I have no regrets about this.

Anyway, the only other thing I will say is, while most people will advocate that the Bride and Groom can't dictate who stands up for the other one, I do think (Except in the case of siblings, then it's totally the call of whoever's sibling it is) that if one really hates a particular person, that the other really should respect that and not ask them.

jeannigirl

This is an open forum and people can speak freely, no one can dicitate how anyone should respond. If you  don't like the advice someone gives its ok you don't have to like it.

Me personally I just woudn't have someone in my wedding that I was not close with and believe me I understand the "drama" some people bring. I have had several friends in my life that it was nothing but drama.

You don't have to explain your reasons to anyone why you did not choose her. GL

trix1223

In Response to Re: Emotional BM trouble:
[QUOTE ButtonsPepper... if you are going to respond I would appreciate a more friendly response... as it is OUR day I dont need a friend who has already ruined several birthdays of mutual friends... one being last weekend. I am trying to find a gentle way to let her down and way to still include her.
Posted by juliambr[/QUOTE]

Julia,  You put the question out on a public message forum, and you need to accept that people can respond as they wish.  You don't get to tell people how or what to respond.

FWIW:  since you're very new, I'll tell you that these boards are international, and very very honest.  Some people think we're "mean" or snarky.  I prefer to think that we don't sugarcoat what we're seeing in front of us.

Something to consider is that we'll tell you what your friends might be thinking but don't want to say for fear of hurting your feelings.  Therefore, we're a great place to bounce ideas off of.

But if you're uncomfortable, and for the record, I don't think that buttons was particulaly mean, I'd recommend a local board.  They're often far more puppies and rainbow.

We have a great mod here, banana, who will delete posts that are over the line, and who does a great job of keeping us in line.

banana468

OK, I think you may not really like this person but you've been friends with her for so long that you feel guilty NOT doing something.  That's at least the impression I get.

My advice: take a step back from the situation and think about how you feel about her in general.  If you'd only be asking her to do something just to pacify her but not because you honestly like her, just don't.  There's no need to explain anything as ong as you haven't asked her to be a BM - because then you're stuck.  However if you haven't asked her to do anything it's not necessary.  Just pick your BMs based on those you absolutely can't imagine NOT being up there with you.

I used to have a rather toxic friend who could manipulate any situation into being about her.  She'd be demanding of me but would also shoo me away when she wanted.  I came to realize that we were friends when it was convenient for her and I needed to distance myself from her.  Now I talk to her on Facebook and that's it.  I won't even tell her where I live.

If I'm wrong and you really like her, ask her to do a reading and keep it at that.  Absolutely DO NOT tell her why you didn't ask her to be a BM though.

And please do remember that when you get married, it may be your wedding day but it's not just your day.  It involves so many people and while it's totally understanding that you may want everything to be perfect, relax.  

amandajean36

[QUOTE] Anyway, the only other thing I will say is, while most people will advocate that the Bride and Groom can't dictate who stands up for the other one, I do think (Except in the case of siblings, then it's totally the call of whoever's sibling it is) that if one really hates a particular person, that the other really should respect that and not ask them.
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

just wanted to say that i 100% agree with this.  if your fiance HATES her, then i think that ends it there.  i don't think it would be fair to have her involved at all.  invite her to the wedding, and be done with it.

and, as my own sidenote, if there needs to be this much discussion about asking someone to be a part of your wedding - its probably a good idea to leave them out.  this is bound to turn into one of the thousands of "omg BM (or reader, or whatever) drama!" topics on here.