Whose wedding is it anyway?

mallorymarieee

I had to use the term "momzilla" for the first time.  Please tell me other people's moms are this way.  My mom is angry I chose a specific friend as a bridesmaid.  I even let her pick my maid of honor!!  Her problem is this friend talks "preppy" and she doesn't want it to influence how I talk on my wedding day.  I decided to put my foot down.  We originally wanted to elope and my family wanted a wedding.  We have compromised a lot.  I explained that my friend has been a good friend and it does not matter what anyone else wants.  This day is not about my friend and I.  The only people who matter are my fiance and I.  My mom interjected "and me!"  I also wanted to take my FMIL dress shopping with me in addition to my mother and bridesmaidsl.  My mom said that day is her day and insisted she not be there.   Am I crazy for wanting to call the whole thing off and just go to the local court house on our own?  We have eight months left till the wedding...I don't know if I can make it.  Am I wrong for not thinking of this as her day??  Did I miss something...I really feel clueless with all this wedding planning...Maybe I don't understand...Maybe it is my mom's day??

Meghannsix

Your mom sounds a bit wackadoodle, who's paying for your wedding?

goobersinlove

Is she paying for your wedding?

You made your first mistake when you let her pick your MOH.  Because you let her do that, she thinks she's entitled to all sorts of other decisions that she shouldn't be. But that ship has sailed, so now all you can do is damage control.

Practice the line, "Thanks mom, but I already made up my mind."

Bring your FMIL with you dress shopping.  Keep your bridesmaid.  She'll get over it.

If the above doesn't work, you may have to sit down and try and have a heart to heart with her. "Listen mom,  I'm starting to feel like you are taking over my wedding. I need you to stop doing XYZ."

StephBeanWed61502

Why are you even having these conversations with your mom?  Unless she's footing the bill, there's really no need to even be talking to her about wedding-related stuff.  My FI and I are paying for our own wedding, so we're making all the decisions together, and the moms are not involved.  Occasionally we will update them in the course of general conversation, but they're not involved in the decision-making process.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_whose-wedding-is-it-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8975944a-5dbb-4874-a2c9-d2e809d5d162Post:f1df5f75-76e9-4abd-b29b-115c3e82b9b3">Re: Whose wedding is it anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been engaged for 9 days, it's not really our wedding. It's all about whose feelings get hurt etc. I don't want more than 5 or 6 groomsmen but my FMIL is telling us that we need to include my FH's brother-in-law simply because his feelings will be hurt and my FH was in their wedding. I haven't even asked for one of my own 3 brothers to be in the wedding, but an in-law has to be? AND on top of that, I am paying for the whole thing. It will come to a point where you have to say, "This is my wedding. I want -----" It may seem mean and "bridezilla" but <strong>it is your day</strong>. End of story.
Posted by cait7094[/QUOTE]

Do yourself a favor and get this phrase out of your vocabulary.  It's not your day.  It is your and your FI's day and it ceases to be "your day (plural)" as soon as you invite guests.

OP - unless your mom is putting any money towards the wedding, stop talking to her about your wedding plans.  As for her wanting dress shopping to be just the two of you, that is understandable.  I think if they are honest, most moms want that to be a private mother daughter day.

mbody

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_whose-wedding-is-it-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8975944a-5dbb-4874-a2c9-d2e809d5d162Post:355c6403-4c36-43d9-93c5-289b26ae3d1a">Re: Whose wedding is it anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is she paying for your wedding? You made your first mistake when you let her pick your MOH.  Because you let her do that, she thinks she's entitled to all sorts of other decisions that she shouldn't be. But that ship has sailed, so now all you can do is damage control. Practice the line, "Thanks mom, but I already made up my mind." Bring your FMIL with you dress shopping.  Keep your bridesmaid.  She'll get over it. If the above doesn't work, you may have to sit down and try and have a heart to heart with her. "Listen mom,  I'm starting to feel like you are taking over my wedding. I need you to stop doing XYZ."
Posted by goobersinlove[/QUOTE]
I second all of this.

rlavach

Yeah, she's definitely pushing it. The only one that I can kind of almost understand is not wanting the FMIL there for dress shopping. A lot of moms dream of the day that they can go help their little girl find their wedding dress. Maybe she feels that bringing FMIL & BM along would encroach on that memory that she wants to share with you. The more people there, the more opinions that fly. That might be the one thing I'd give-in on, but then hold firm on the rest. But you don't have to.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_whose-wedding-is-it-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8975944a-5dbb-4874-a2c9-d2e809d5d162Post:738df9fd-92c6-472c-85f2-84d051e65e56">Re: Whose wedding is it anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, she's definitely pushing it. The only one that I can kind of almost understand is not wanting the FMIL there for dress shopping. A lot of moms dream of the day that they can go help their little girl find their wedding dress. Maybe she feels that bringing FMIL & BM along would encroach on that memory that she wants to share with you. The more people there, the more opinions that fly. That might be the one thing I'd give-in on, but then hold firm on the rest. But you don't have to.
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

Even this you can compromise on though.  My mom wanted us to shop alone, but I really wanted to include FMIL since it's probably the only opportunity FMIL will have to go wedding dress shopping with a daughter-type person, so I went to my first appointment with just my mom, then made a follow-up appointment at the same shop and brought both of them.  My mom and I had the one-on-one shopping experience, but FMIL was there when I actually found "the" dress.  Basically, I was able to honor my mom's feelings without just giving in completely.

HeathenSwan

My Mom has a tendency to drive me nuts. She usually does the bewildered "...oh" when she doesn't like something. If she doesn't like something, and it's a reasonable issue, I'll think about it. Otherwise, I usually say "thanks, but..."

We're likely going with BBQ food, and some stuffed shells (because, in her own words, it's not an event in my family with out the tomato gravy!). She said "Are you sure barbecue sauce is such a good idea with people in formal wear, especially you?" I pointed out that a past shell, stuffed with cheese, and slathered with red sauce has the same chance of falling from my fork, down my dress, and into my lap, as does a piece of pulled pork. (I found out fmil said something similar to fiance about it. He told her he trusts his guests to eat like grown ups, and that napkin-fu isn't that hard).

For the weird stuff, I've got no problem with telling her no, or compromising. I wouldn't compromise on the bridesmaid. I might compromise fmil at the fitting. But you should stick with what's important to you Fight the fights you feel strongly about, compromise on the others. It sucks, though. Sometimes, the people you figure will be the best, cause the most stress.

dubird

My advice would be to sit down with your FI and figure out which parts are the most important to you both.  Those, you need to be firm (but polite) on.  You'll still be left with plenty for her to help on, and those will be things you'll feel better about compromising on.

blues28

Yeah what does it mean "to talk preppy?"

gailpete

Trying to influence your choice of anyone in the wedding party is out of line.  I, too, don't understand what "talking preppy" is, but whatever is, that is no reason to exclude someone from being a BM.

As far as the dress shopping goes, as a MOB, I understand where she is coming from.  It meant a lot to me to have that mother daughter first trip to try on dresses.  Give her that and then include the FMIL in another trip, or for the fitting.

I know the standard line is, unless she is paying, she has no say.  I have a problem with that, in that DH and I paid for DD's wedding, but it was what she and her FI wanted, not what I wanted.  I may have offered suggestions, and pointed out budget concerns, but ultimately, it was what she wanted.  Talk to her and tell her that you love her and you want to work with her to plan the wedding, but if she is going to insist on trying to overrule you on every decision, you'll have to step back and plan the wedding on your own.

Good luck.

TiffannieF

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_whose-wedding-is-it-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8975944a-5dbb-4874-a2c9-d2e809d5d162Post:27cf1bbb-aab2-4ce1-ae3e-a2c7df94afe5">Re: Whose wedding is it anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Whose wedding is it anyway? : I don't get this.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

Ya...this got me confused...

TiffannieF

So wait your mom picked your MOH and you picked another friend to be a BM but your mom doesn't agree with this because she thinks you will begin to talk 'preppy'? 

Tell your mom to chillax and she doesn't have any choice in your friends OR wedding party regardless if she is paying the bill or not.  Your first mistake was letting her chose your MOH because you did this you opened a can of worms.

This is a very special day for you mom, please do not deny this.  She has been looking forward to this day probably since you were born (maybe even before) please take it as a nice gesture.

You do not get to decide what your FMIL or FSIL wears at the wedding.  Although it would be nice to accompany them they don't have to wear something special or something specific.  That being said, your mom is wrong and very rude about their part in the wedding.  FMIL is a mom as well, please try to educate your mom on emphasizing with people.

With all of that I will say your mom def sounds like a momzilla.  I would just try to talk with her and tell her you appreciate her enthusiasm but you need to her to chillax before you run off and get married with out her being present.

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_whose-wedding-is-it-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8975944a-5dbb-4874-a2c9-d2e809d5d162Post:a9229d7e-ec31-4bf6-82af-94d848d2cf84">Re: Whose wedding is it anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Whose wedding is it anyway? : Even this you can compromise on though.  My mom wanted us to shop alone, but I really wanted to include FMIL since it's probably the only opportunity FMIL will have to go wedding dress shopping with a daughter-type person, so I went to my first appointment with just my mom, then made a follow-up appointment at the same shop and brought both of them.  My mom and I had the one-on-one shopping experience, but FMIL was there when I actually found "the" dress.  Basically, I was able to honor my mom's feelings without just giving in completely.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
What a nice compromise. I'm sure that made them both so happy. <div>
</div><div>My FMIL lives thousands of miles away, so I didn't have to worry about that!</div>

Coghoot12

If nothing else, I really, really want OP to come back and explain what "talking preppy" means.

The only thing I can think of is if this friend only talks while wearing argyle and holding a tennis racket.

mallorymarieee

They feel that my friend is fake.  The other term my mom uses is she "Talks like a valley girl"  Hopefully that explains it better.  It's just the way she is.  It's not like I'm going to say "I like totally do" when it's time to say I do.  As far as who is paying, we are splitting so I do understand her wanting a say.  I think a majority of the issue is I am an only child.  So my parents tend to be very involved.  I am very thankful for all the help but I feel like I've lost control.  I guess at the end of the day, I got the venue I wanted.  If I get the dress I want I'll be happy.  I am going to take my FMIL to my first fitting.  I really don't think she will be offended not going I just enjoy her company.  This is my fiance's second marriage but first wedding.  

jenniferacampbell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_whose-wedding-is-it-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8975944a-5dbb-4874-a2c9-d2e809d5d162Post:9f6fd880-c540-436d-939b-2b66e8973b58">Whose wedding is it anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]I had to use the term "momzilla" for the first time.  Please tell me other people's moms are this way.  My mom is angry I chose a specific friend as a bridesmaid.  I even let her pick my maid of honor!!  Her problem is this friend talks "preppy" and she doesn't want it to influence how I talk on my wedding day.  I decided to put my foot down.  We originally wanted to elope and my family wanted a wedding.  We have compromised a lot.  I explained that my friend has been a good friend and it does not matter what anyone else wants.  This day is not about my friend and I.  The only people who matter are my fiance and I.  My mom interjected "and me!"  I also wanted to take my FMIL dress shopping with me in addition to my mother and bridesmaidsl.  <strong>My mom said that day is her day and insisted she not be there</strong>.   Am I crazy for wanting to call the whole thing off and just go to the local court house on our own?  We have eight months left till the wedding...I don't know if I can make it.  Am I wrong for not thinking of this as her day??  Did I miss something...I really feel clueless with all this wedding planning...Maybe I don't understand...<strong>Maybe it is my mom's day</strong>??
Posted by mallorymarieee[/QUOTE]

umm. . . no, it's your day and your fi's day.  you need to put your foot down, but respectfully since it is your mom.  explain to her what you have explained to us, but ultimately it is your day.  if it were me, i would tell my mom that when she gets married, she can pick the moh and bridesmaids, but until then, she doesn't need to stress over it.  tell her you will worry about YOUR decisions. and that is pretty selfish of her to not want your fmil to go w/ you.  that would have really hurt my fmil feelings, and that would not be a good way to start the marriage.  i hope everything works out for you! good luck!

wowand135

It sounds pretty crazy that mom chose your MOH. Put your foot down on future decisons. Since she's paying for part, she has a say in the guest list, but doesn't get to chose every detail! If you don't start standing up for yourself you'll feel worse and worse and you don't want to regret this big of a thing.

harpsdesire

She "Talks Preppy"?

And somehow this will cause you to temporarily cease your normal speech patterns and turn into a 90's valley girl for the duration of the wedding?

Um..... I think your mom is a little bit insane.

mallorymarieee

The MOH situation was a close family friend.  Our dad's were friends in highschool, joined the military together, and we have been through a lot together.  She is one of my best friends but due to schedules aren't in touch as much as we'd like.  I really didn't care too much.  It's just been understood that she would always be part of this.  I know that there always seems to be a lot of emphasis on MOH helping out with getting ready and stuff and I just don't think it's really her cup of tea.  She will stand in the spot but other than that not much participation.  I don't think my mom is really crazy...but she is definitely vicariously living through me.  I think she is interjecting with what she wants largely because her mother ruled her wedding.

ArtistWriterEditor

Just ignore your mom. I'll probably sound like a brat and a bad daughter, but I'm not letting my mom have any part of my wedding. She is an absolute control freak and demands things for my wedding because it is her "right." Nobody (other than you two of course) has any rights when it comes to your wedding. The first rule: Only you and your fiance should pay for your wedding. If you let others contribute they have a stake in every decision you make. That is just how it is. In any case, it is not and never will be your mom's day. You can do whatever you two want. Don't feel bad about any decision you make. Besides, that day will never be perfect (there is always going to be at least one thing that didn't go exactly the way you wanted it). And it's just one day.

jordanjohnson62212

I'm so sorry you are experiencing all of these stressors - especially when all of the planning is for YOUR big day.  I have had similar problems and as my parents are funding the entire wedding except for a few details I am paying for, she does have the majority of say.  I have felt the same frustrations you have, and maybe more with control coming from my MIL.  We have had several fights, and our families have even brawled!!!! Try to sit down and let her know how thankful you are, have a glass of wine.  I recently discovered much of my own mothers upset resulted in the fact she had all these dreams of my wedding - however she did not tell me until now, when everything is planned. I have compromised on my dress, shoes, food, social hour, music, center pieces..... just to name a few.  It is hard being a bride with your own idea - even if it means a simple elopement.  On a positive note - you will get through your battles and have many moments of enjoyment with your girlfriends and believe it or not - mom.  Someday, looking back you may want a traditional wedding and your family wants to be a big part of it... be thankful for that! I know the stress and desire to just call off the planning because of quarrels, however, in the end, it is one day to celebrate with your loved ones.  Once plans come together more, and you meet in the middle with her, things will begin to come together! Hang in there and feel free to contact me for advice from my own experiences or to share stories!

jlrowell

I had a similar dilemma with my family. I hate to be so cynical but we decided to elope on our own. The wedding is still a while away. But I am planning an awesome elopement! I hate how people often look at elopements as a lesser wedding. We are going to have a wonderful wedding by getting eloped in Vegas! And I'm still getting most of the things a traditional bride does. Also I am blogging about my planning experiences on blogger. My name on there is Hubschen118 if anyone is interested . I think if you have a good relationship with your family, which is what everyone wishes for, you will be happy to have them involved and they would be loving and supportive. But the fact is a lot of us would just have way more awesome weddings alone with the love of our life on a romantic getaway. I wish my family were like Alli Trippy's (ctfxc on YouTube), and she had the most beautiful wedding but I am so excited for it just to be my fiance and I!

catrod82

Your mother needs to BUTT out. Even if she were to be paying for the weding, these arent her decisions to be made!! And the reasoning for her not wanting this bm is a lil out of control. I do want to tell u this, appreciate that she wants to be so involved with your wedding, and she will actually go try on dresses with you. In my case my mother is refusing to go to wedding and wants nothign to do with it. Picture your mother pretending your not even with your fiance, nor that he does not exist (FOR NO REASON AT ALL) and that will make u feel better!! LOL You def have to put your foot down and not allow her to make any decisions regarding YOUR wedding. if you want to elope you know what, go and do it!! It will be her fault for pushing you to that point, and like you said end of day it is yours and your fiance's day. NOTHING ELSE SHOULD MATTER!! HOope this helps! 

kcanavan81

Tell your mother one word:  Vegas. 

sdwood

Oh wow! I thought I was the only one with a Mom-zilla. My mom and dad are paying so I let her have her say but I make the final decisions... good luck!!!