Monther/son dance??

SoonToBeAloniesMommy

Ok I need some advice, I really don't want to be a brat about the situation but I guess you would have to know more behind the story so I'll give just a brief overview. My fiance' and I have a little girl who is 16 months old and we also have a little boy on the way. MIL does NOT like me and neither of us know why and we are really to the point of not caring. When he called to tell her he proposed she started crying and told him I would never be good enough for him (keep in mind I am a stay at home mom and who has NEVER been a night away from our child. I NEVER have ANY help and I NEVER complain about it cause he makes the money and I take care of the house (just the way we chose to live) but anyways we live part time in Costa Rica do to his job so I have been home planning the wedding COMPLETELY by myself (she has not even called one time to check on her granddaughter but she messages her son allllllll the time) (I'm sure you can tell how I feel about her but I'm really trying to just give the facts) She is a great mother but she does NOT want to let anyone else in her family. For the past 2 christmas' (this last one my daughter was here, the first one I was pregnant) I sat at her house and watched her 3 GROWN sons (and my little girl this last year) open tons of gifts and I literally did not have one thing to open. He has a great relationship with my family and even says when he comes home he is more excited to see my family than his (bc he sees how they treat me but doesnt really ever want to say anything to hurt moms feelings) *she had cancer a little over a year ago and throws it in his face (and his 2 brothers) all the time. and we really do feel bad for her but she abuses the excuse. anyways we are having a father/daughter dance but neither one of them has mentioned a mother/son dance so i haven't included it.... should i feel bad?? and the song i chose for the father/daughter dance would be weird if they danced to because it's talking about giving me away "i love her first"  Thanks in advance for any help!!

aerinpegadrak

The mother/son dance is about the mother/son.  If neither of them have brought it up, they're probably not interested.  Presumably they're both capable of contacting the DJ/planner/whomever if they are.  If you really want to cover your butt, remind your FI once that he needs to talk to the DJ if he wants to do a mother/son dance, and leave the ball in his court.

libby2483

Since it sounds like you are doing most of the planning, this may not be something that FI has really thought about, but he might still like to do it. I think this is something you need to ask your FI about, and let him and his mom decide.  Or maybe you could even call his mom and ask if she would like to do it and if she has any ideas for the song (if FI is okay with it too).  It could be a good way to get her involved in the wedding a bit.  I can't imagine how frustrating you must feel that she treats you so poorly.  But, leaving it out could deprive your FI of a special moment with his mom.

And, I know that you didn't ask this, and I'm not saying it to be offensive, but it sounds like FI needs to stand up for you to his mother.  I understand that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but you are about to become his wife, and if she is mistreating you, she needs to know that it won't be tolerated.  If he lets her be rude to you know, it sets the tone that this is acceptable for the rest of your marriage. 

Edit: Clarity

Winnertag1

FI needs to stand up to his mother about you, he shouldnt worry about hurting her feelings when she is hurting yours so much. By him not saying anything, FMIL probably sees it as whatever, if he doesnt care I can continue treating her the way I am. 

I would be livid if FI's family treated me the way your FI's family is treating you.

About the mother/son dance, its up to them, I might mention it once to cover yourself like PP said. 

kmmssg

Yeah, she sounds horrid but the details have nothing to do with the mom/son dance.

If she is so stuck on keeping you at bay I'm going to guess she will be beyond peeved if you don't do the dance, especially if YOU dance with your dad.  If your FI isn't interested in doing the dance she needs to know up front, and not feels snubbed at your wedding.  You would pay for that for the rest of your life, promise.

There have been posts here over the years about someone's new MIL being ticked by no dance but the groom didn't think it was anything important and decided to skip it.  MOG's have posted a time or two about it over the years too.

This is NOT a hill to die on.  I really think making sure she gets her moment will go far better than skipping or ignoring it.

One other thing - you don't just have a FMIL problem, you have a FI problem.  He has to draw the line in the sand here.  As long as he doesn't your wicked FMIL has no reason to treat you any differently than she has in the past.  There are no consequences for her behavior and FI is the only one who can change all of that.

aerinpegadrak

I'll echo the other posters that your FI really needs to pick a side, and if it's not yours, you need to think long and hard about your relationship.

Look, my MIL is insane.  Literally.  She was institutionalized when DH was younger (she always claimed it was voluntary, DH recently learned while doing some family history that it was court-ordered) and is about headed that way again.  I don't think she particularly likes me; DH didn't even want to tell her when we got engaged, I had to twist his arm to get him to call her.  (And it was also Mother's Day.)  But she's never openly disrespected me or been less than cordial to my face, because DH made it very clear from the outset what the consequences of that would be.  Plus, when she gave a lame excuse for skipping our wedding entirely, pretty much her entire family took her to task for it.

So I know whereof I speak when I say that it doesn't matter how much of a psychotic drama queen the mother is, a husband who won't clearly and without hesitation choose his wife over his mother isn't a husband worth hanging on to.

juliebug1997

I feel your pain, OP.  My MIL picked "Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion and it was so creepy to sit there and watch; I can't even listen to that song any more.  However, your FI needs to make the decision about this.