Needing help with BM

kay_marie00

I know that this issue has probably already been brought up multiple times, but I'm in need of advice. My BM and I have been friends for years. We've always gotten along until the past few months where our friendship has been getting worse. I'm not the type of person to throw my wedding or the planning into people's faces or talk about it 24/7, in fact, I don't bring it up unless someone asks me about it.So let me give you the breakdown of my issue:
A few months ago my friend and I had a fight and our friendship has suffered since. We didn't talk for almost a month because we were so upset with each other, but she did get engaged during that time, which I did contact her and tell her congrats and that I was happy for her (because I really, genuinely was happy for her). She claims I never tried to contact her. Then she tells a mutual friend that I am obsessed with my wedding and that it's the only thing that I think/care about and that my marriage to my fiance means nothing to me. Obviously this hurt me beyond words, because I really don't care about the wedding details, I just want to marry my best friend and can't wait to spend my life with him. My BM also told our friend that my fiance and I weren't a very strong couple and she didn't think that we were going to last. In the end, her and I agreed that everything was a misunderstanding and we agreed to put the whole situation in the past and start fresh.
I think my breaking point was that recently I had some health problems, and my BM did not even seem to care. I did not get a phone call, text or anything asking how I was or if I was even ok. And before you ask, yes she did know about it, because I told her.  I feel a BM should be someone who supports you and your fiance's wedding and is happy for you. Since she got engaged, she brags about how her ring is bigger and better than mine and was adamant about getting married before me. I don't care about those things, I'm not having a wedding race here. So my problem really isn't that my BM isn't doing anything to help me with the wedding (because my fiance and I are doing most of it by ourselves anyways), but it's more of a friend issue that just happens to be a BM. I'm not sure what to do. I've tried to contact her to talk about these issues, but I get no response. I just don't know what to do anymore, because it's causing me more stress than I need right now. Most of my friends are telling me to kick her out of the wedding. Some are telling me not to talk to her and let her figure it out on her own. Others tell me her actions are a sign of her removing herself from my wedding. Any thoughts or ideas or advice you can give me?

lalap69

The real question is whether you still want to be friends with her?  It sounds like your friendship with her has been deteriorating for a while now.  If you want to continue this friendship, then all you can do is keep reaching out to her.  If you don't, then end the friendship and a consequence of this will be that she's no longer in the WP. 

Don't listen to your friends about kicking her out of the WP though.  You're right that this is a friendship issue and so you should deal with it as such.

GL.

bablingbrooke

I would try to fix the friendship if you wanted to fix it.  It sounds like you've been reaching out to her and she hasn't been reciprocating.  Whatever you two fought over, she's clearly still very angry with you.  

I would invite her out for a coffee or something and talk to her.  See what her response is.  Then go from there.  

I'm a believer that you shouldn't let a long friendship die over a wedding but it sounds like this is something that would have happened anyway.  

emilyinchile

Your wedding isn't til June 2011. Let this go, deal with it as a friendship issue, and see where you are at the end of the year when it's time to order dresses. If, when that time rolls around, she doesn't get the dress, she's taken herself out of the WP.

It sounds like she's a crappy friend, and I'm sorry you're going through this. But kicking her out will make you look bad, no matter how much she may deserve it.

jeannigirl

Its never hard when friends have a falling out. True friendship can survive if two are willing to forgive each other and move on. It sounds like you have taken the wedding out of the equation and know that it is about the friendship.

From what you conveyed you have tried to reach out to her to mend any wrong doings and try to work through what ever differences that have happened. Theirs not much more you can do if she won't response. Give it some time to let her cool down and hopefully she will come to her senses and talk with you.

Let it go I know its not an easy thing to do but you got to its not worth the headache. She sounds likes she has some issues of her own and maybe needs some more life experiences to grow up and think and behave has an adult.

 I am not very happy with my friend who also is a Bm has she has said some things to some of our neighbors that got back to my FI. So I have distanced myself  as I don't want anything to do with back stabbers. I won't be mean or retaliate.I am just removing myself from the equation.

banana468

I think since you have well over a year to go, don't worry about anything wedding related.

Wait a few weeks and then see if you two can make plans for drinks or coffee.

She sounds VERY insecure and like someone who, if she IS a good friend, her way of dealing with insecurity is to insult others.  I know several people like this.

Don't confront her about what she's done but talk to her about how what she has done makes you feel.  For example, don't say, "You were a crappy friend to not show up to visit me in the hospital," but say, "When I didn't hear from you while I was ill, it made me feel like you might not really care.  I don't think that's the case, but I need to let you know that it really hurt."

Hopefully she begins to realize that her actions and words have a large effect.

krmabojo

THIS IS NOT A BM ISSUE... THIS IS A FRIEND ISSUE.