Lazy Bridesmaids

cubananglgurl

Hi everyone! 

I was just a made a bridesmaid last night two weeks before a wedding. I'm estatic.  I have helped my friend from choose the her dress to the flowers to planning the bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, making goods for the dessert bar and a million other things. 

The problem is that her bridesmaids are extremely lazy and cheapskates. I found a dance hall that did bachelorette pole dancing parties/classes for $40 a person.  It's an hour and a half class and I offered to pay for the bride because she shouldn't have to pay for her own party. The girls all have jobs, didn't pay for their dresses, and acessories. They don't want to throw in money together for the class.   If it's a big deal for the classes I'm willing to just host a spa day do nails, facials, and just have a relaxing girl day. Does that sound like a better idea?  Our bride is really upset with them and doesn't know what to do about the situation.  

 I really dont' mind it but I've spent more money on her then all of the girls combined. I have also bought everything for the bachelorette party and will be providing food and act as a DD since I'm not 21. My only request is that if they girls want booze they need to provide it themselves. I refuse to let the bride pay for something that her MOH and other ladies should to be responsible for. 

My friend is so sweet and hates when people get "mad" at her, but at the end of the day it's all about her. 

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lazy-bridesmaids-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c0cf7f6-fd2c-4695-b0af-9b2a68b364e9Post:686c1e17-2233-4ba7-a1ea-81f3f0332a2b">Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone!  I was just a made a bridesmaid last night two weeks before a wedding. I'm estatic  I have helped my friend from choose the her dress to the flowers to planning the bachelorette, rehearsal dinner, making goods for the dessert bar and a million other things. Her bridesmaids are extremely lazy and cheapskates. I found a dance hall that did bachelorette pole dancing parties/classes for $40 a person. It's an hour and a half class and I offered to pay for the bride because she shouldn't have to pay for her own party. The girls all have jobs didn't pay for their dresses and are making a fuss over fourty bucks.  I've spent more money on her then all of the girls combined. I have also bought everything for the bachelorette party and will be providing food and act as a DD since I'm not 21. My only request is that if they girls want booze they need to provide it themselves. I refuse to let the bride pay for something that her MOH and other ladies need to be responsible for.  My friend is so sweet and hates when people get "mad" at her.  Is this wrong of me to expect more from them? If it's a big deal for the classes I'm willing to just host a spa day do nails, facials, and just have a relaxing girl day. Does that sound like a better idea? 
Posted by cubananglgurl[/QUOTE]

Yep, it's wrong of you. First, what they spend their money on is their business. Second, it sounds as though you made all these plans, paid for them up front, then called them up and said "You need to kick in $X for the bachelorette party," without bothering to ask them a) if they were even interested in helping out, which they aren't required to do, and b) if what you had planned even fit into their respective budgets.

How you choose to spend your money and your time is your business. You don't get to decide how others spend their money and their time. Helping your friend plan her wedding is your choice. It's very nice of you to choose to do this, but it's not a requirement of you or any of the other BMs.

Being asked to be a BM is supposed to be an honor the bride bestows upon her nearest and dearest. It's not a job. The other BMs are not your employees or the bride's employees.

MyNameIsNot

It seems like you and this bride have some notion in your head that bridemaids are responsible for throwing (and paying for) parties.  This is 100% false.  If you decided to throw this party, you are 100% responsible for the costs, unless and until someone offers to help pay.  You don't have to host booze if you don't want to, but you can't dictate that the other girls pay for it.  The same goes for the activity.  You don't get to tell them how to spend their money.  If you are paying, fine.  But it's totally wrong to invite them and then tell them to pay their own way.  This would apply for pole dancing or a spa day.  

This nasty name calling and allegations are really not becoming, and doesn't reflect well on you.  I hope your insults are only being spewed here, and not out in the open.  If you are calling them lazy and cheap to other people, it makes you look like a catty b!tch, but doesn't reflect on them.  

I won't comment on being asked 2 weeks before the wedding.  If you're ok with that, good for you.  Most wouldn't be.  

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lazy-bridesmaids-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c0cf7f6-fd2c-4695-b0af-9b2a68b364e9Post:686c1e17-2233-4ba7-a1ea-81f3f0332a2b">Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone!  I was just a made a bridesmaid last night two weeks before a wedding. I'm estatic  I have helped my friend from choose the her dress to the flowers to planning the bachelorette, rehearsal dinner, making goods for the dessert bar and a million other things. Her bridesmaids are extremely lazy and cheapskates. I found a dance hall that did bachelorette pole dancing parties/classes for $40 a person. It's an hour and a half class and I offered to pay for the bride because she shouldn't have to pay for her own party. The girls all have jobs didn't pay for their dresses and are making a fuss over fourty bucks.  I've spent more money on her then all of the girls combined. I have also bought everything for the bachelorette party and will be providing food and act as a DD since I'm not 21. My only request is that if they girls want booze they need to provide it themselves. I refuse to let the bride pay for something that her MOH and other ladies need to be responsible for.  My friend is so sweet and hates when people get "mad" at her.  <strong>Is this wrong of me to expect more from them?</strong> If it's a big deal for the classes I'm willing to just host a spa day do nails, facials, and just have a relaxing girl day. Does that sound like a better idea?  *edit* They all work and when asked what was suitable for them they said that doing nothing was fine
Posted by cubananglgurl[/QUOTE]

It's great that you're going above and beyond, and I'm sure the bride appreciates it. But above and beyond is just that, and her friends are not bad people for just doing the minimum (getting the dress and showing up for the ceremony). Bachelorette parties are not required at all, and it's not a requirement of the bridesmaids to finance it or attend. If you're not able to pay for it all on your own and they can't afford to pitch in, scale down the plans. A gracious bride will appreciate it even if the party is just hanging around someone's house with snacks and some bottles of wine.

erollis

How the BM's and MOH spend their money is their business. Also, they have no responsibilities other then get the dress and show up to support the bride on the day of the wedding. 

 

I can see how you are frustrated with their lack of enthusiasm and help since you have done so much. You say these BMs did not pay for their BM dresses? If that is in fact true I would be frustrated too if no one offered to pitch in 5 or 10 dollars for a bachelorette party.  No one, even you, are required to host anything for the bride. Just plan something you can afford that the bride would like. Anything you do, and have done, is certainly appreciated by the bride.

cubananglgurl

Thank you guys for your insight. This has given me much to think about. It'd just be cool if everyone can be happy and comfortable especially the bride. I have no experience in this field and I really appreciate the different ideas and suggestions, . 

In no way am I trying to put down the girls or anything like that but I wish that they would be more excited and proactive. 

mcskatcat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lazy-bridesmaids-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c0cf7f6-fd2c-4695-b0af-9b2a68b364e9Post:a64d09cd-4597-46c4-96c1-b98cc0321fbe">Re: Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you guys for your insight. This has given me much to think about. It'd just be cool if everyone can be happy and comfortable especially the bride. I have no experience in this field and I really appreciate the different ideas and suggestions,  .<strong>  In no way am I trying to put down the girls or anything like that </strong>but I wish that they would be more excited and proactive. 
Posted by cubananglgurl[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Uh, yeah you were.  Look at the title of this post.  </div><div>
</div><div>Since you mentioned that you are not yet 21, that probably means you haven't had a ton of exeperience with weddings yet or what it's like to be in a wedding.  A bride should choose her nearest and dearest to be BMs, not those that can do the most work.  Being a BM should be an honor, not a chore.  Similarly, being a BM means you are only required to pay for a dress and travel, but if you happen to go above and beyond - that's great.  </div><div>
</div><div>Edit:  For future reference as well, when you plan a party and expect others to chip in, you need to have their say-so first.  You should send out an email saying "Hey, I was thinking about doing xyz for the bride.  What all do you guys feel comfortable with spending and doing?"  If you expect them to throw money in, they should have a say in the matter.  Meaning if pole dancing isn't their idea of fun, they should be able to throw their two cents in since they are paying for it.

</div>

zitiqueen

So you were "made" a BM two weeks before the wedding. Is this a shotgun wedding or did the bride kick somebody out and assign you to be the replacement?

zitiqueen

For future future reference, you were quoted. Multiple times. That means editing your original post is pointless.

Summer2011Bride

Well for one, you WERE putting them down by calling them lazy cheapskates. For the record, people can spend their money any way they want. Someone could make $200,000 a year and if she didn't want to spend money on a dance class, she doesn't have to. Did you even ask the other girls if they were interested in doing this? If it was not something I wanted to do, I wouldn't want to drop 40 bucks on it, sorry.

No one is obligated to throw parties for the bride or pay for her stuff. It is kind of you to want to do this and if the other girls say, "Hey, we want to chip in too" that's awesome. You cannot, however, force them to pay for a party you are planning or force them to pay for the bride's stuff. Nope, no can do. So you need to decide if you want to host a party by yourself and pay for everything (I think asking them to pay for their own drinks is fine, though), or if you want to scratch the idea or do something cheaper. And by the way, they aren't being lazy. BMs do NOT have to host parties or be "proactive" in planning the wedding. It's the bride's wedding, so she should be the one planning it.

MangoSong

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lazy-bridesmaids-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c0cf7f6-fd2c-4695-b0af-9b2a68b364e9Post:0e6f6ce6-e330-410c-9f62-1964c5d2a371">Re: Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]So you were "made" a BM two weeks before the wedding. Is this a shotgun wedding or did the bride kick somebody out and assign you to be the replacement?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]
Or did she ask you because she knew you'd shell out of the money that she wanted spent? If I was you, I'd kind of wonder if I was being a bit used.

jdou88

Wow I was following this post and feel really bad for this girl who went above and beyond for the bride, asks advice and everyone is so rude to her. I'm guessing she planned everything herself because the other bridesmaids are LAZY!! I'm sorry but if you are asked to be a bridesmaid you should take your duty seriuosly, and if you plan on being flat out cheap and allusive decline the job! Sorry hun, I think you did the right thing by the bride. n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lazy-bridesmaids-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c0cf7f6-fd2c-4695-b0af-9b2a68b364e9Post:2d8c0b0b-514f-4b91-9ce2-9a1f601ef1bb">Re: Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lazy Bridesmaids : Uh, yeah you were.  Look at the title of this post.   Since you mentioned that you are not yet 21, that probably means you haven't had a ton of exeperience with weddings yet or what it's like to be in a wedding.  A bride should choose her nearest and dearest to be BMs, not those that can do the most work.  Being a BM should be an honor, not a chore.  Similarly, being a BM means you are only required to pay for a dress and travel, but if you happen to go above and beyond - that's great.   Edit:  For future reference as well, when you plan a party and expect others to chip in, you need to have their say-so first.  You should send out an email saying "Hey, I was thinking about doing xyz for the bride.  What all do you guys feel comfortable with spending and doing?"  If you expect them to throw money in, they should have a say in the matter.  Meaning if pole dancing isn't their idea of fun, they should be able to throw their two cents in since they are paying for it.
Posted by mcskatcat[/QUOTE]

mcskatcat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lazy-bridesmaids-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c0cf7f6-fd2c-4695-b0af-9b2a68b364e9Post:098e1060-98d5-47fb-8518-878583b038be">Re: Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I was following this post and feel really bad for this girl who went above and beyond for the bride, asks advice and everyone is so rude to her. I'm guessing she planned everything herself because the other bridesmaids are LAZY!! I'm sorry but if you are asked to be a bridesmaid you should take your duty seriuosly, and if you plan on being flat out cheap and allusive decline the job! Sorry hun, I think you did the right thing by the bride. n Response to Re: Lazy Bridesmaids :
Posted by jdou88[/QUOTE]

<div>Except that being a bridesmaid ISN'T a job.  It's not.  You don't apply to be a bridesmaid and you sure as heck don't get reimbursed for all of your expenses.  The minimal a BM needs to do is get the dress and show up, which can often be expensive enough.  All those parties and tying bows on favors is extra, not a requirement.  </div><div>
</div><div>The whole point of having bridesmaids, which you clearly missed, is to honor those who have been there for you throughout your life or whatever time you may have known them.  The point is NOT to put them to work.  The wedding planning part is for the bride and her soon-to-be-husband.  Sorry if you've watched too many movies, but what you have dreamed up is not a bridesmaid.  </div>

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lazy-bridesmaids-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c0cf7f6-fd2c-4695-b0af-9b2a68b364e9Post:098e1060-98d5-47fb-8518-878583b038be">Re: Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I was following this post and feel really bad for this girl who went above and beyond for the bride, asks advice and everyone is so rude to her. I'm guessing she planned everything herself because the other bridesmaids are LAZY!! I'm sorry but if you are asked to be a bridesmaid you should take your duty seriuosly, and if you plan on being flat out cheap and allusive decline the job! Sorry hun, I think you did the right thing by the bride. n Response to Re: Lazy Bridesmaids :
Posted by jdou88[/QUOTE]

Oh please do tell us women who have all been BMs, MOHs (and some of us brides) what a BM's duties are.  I'm really curious about what you think they are.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lazy-bridesmaids-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c0cf7f6-fd2c-4695-b0af-9b2a68b364e9Post:098e1060-98d5-47fb-8518-878583b038be">Re: Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I was following this post and feel really bad for this girl who went above and beyond for the bride, asks advice and everyone is so rude to her. I'm guessing she planned everything herself because the other bridesmaids are LAZY!! <strong>I'm sorry but if you are asked to be a bridesmaid you should take your duty seriuosly, and if you plan on being flat out cheap and allusive decline the job! Sorry hun, I</strong> think you did the right thing by the bride. n Response to Re: Lazy Bridesmaids :
Posted by jdou88[/QUOTE]

Sorry, being a BM is not a job. They are not getting paid. They have no duties to take seriously. Unless you start handing out paychecks to BMs, you can't tell them a list of duties to do and expect them to do it. That's hired labor, not your close friends. This is such awful advice.

MangoSong

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lazy-bridesmaids-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c0cf7f6-fd2c-4695-b0af-9b2a68b364e9Post:0478b85c-8b01-471c-805f-b43ee257597c">Re: Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lazy Bridesmaids : Except that being a bridesmaid ISN'T a job.  It's not.  You don't apply to be a bridesmaid and you sure as heck don't get reimbursed for all of your expenses.  The minimal a BM needs to do is get the dress and show up, which can often be expensive enough.  All those parties and tying bows on favors is extra, not a requirement.   The whole point of having bridesmaids, which you clearly missed, is to honor those who have been there for you throughout your life or whatever time you may have known them.  The point is NOT to put them to work.  The wedding planning part is for the bride and her soon-to-be-husband.  Sorry if you've watched too many movies, but what you have dreamed up is not a bridesmaid.  
Posted by mcskatcat[/QUOTE]
Exactly this. ^

The fact that you're willing to help out is really nice of you, but not required of you.

While it's awesome if the bride has friends who are willing to help her out, it's not a job they are required to do. You don't ask people to be in your WP based on what they can do for you and what they will help you out with, but because those are the people who mean something to your FH and you. 

MeagMcNamara

This could be a cultural/generational thing (not lazy BMs but what is the BM's job description).  My mother was so confused to why I would pick two OOT BMs, 1 still in high school and only 1 that was around and am to "help".  She was under the impression that the BMs were to help with decorating, organize the bridal shower/stagette and basically be at my beck and call.

That wasn't my expectation at all.  The help that eveyrone has given me has been fantastic and I appreciated when one of my OOT MOH gave two of her three days in town to go dress shopping with me.  We had a ball! 

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lazy-bridesmaids-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c0cf7f6-fd2c-4695-b0af-9b2a68b364e9Post:098e1060-98d5-47fb-8518-878583b038be">Re: Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I was following this post and feel really bad for this girl who went above and beyond for the bride, asks advice and everyone is so rude to her. I'm guessing she planned everything herself because the other bridesmaids are LAZY!! I'm sorry but if you are asked to be a bridesmaid you should take your duty seriuosly, and if you plan on being flat out cheap and allusive decline the job! Sorry hun, I think you did the right thing by the bride. n Response to Re: Lazy Bridesmaids :
Posted by jdou88[/QUOTE]

Um. Does anyone else think its weird that the only person agreeing with the OP is a newbie with one post? and also from the same state as OP?    Any possibility OP created another account to defend herself?  

In any event. Being a BM isn't a job, as other people have mentioned. You show up on the wedding day, on time, in your dress.  The end.  If someone feels compelled to throw a party for the bride, fabulous, but not doing so doesn't make them lazy.

CSK4

I agree with alot of you about the name calling and putting the girls down  but what I think what really sucks here is that eveyone who has  experience  is picking on the girl who doesnt . While BM and MOH are not required to pay for all the extras if your friend asks you to be part of it wouldnt you want to give her all the extras.  If you cant afford to pay for a dress and shoes  and all the extras i.e showers and parties  then dont agree to be in the wedding or try to find a compromise that you will be able to afford.