Bridesmaid who dropped out...

adamssa

I have a bridesmaid who dropped out of our wedding 10 weeks before! I am not sure how to handle it. I told her it was fine. She just texted me to tell me that she didn't think she could swing the money for the dress and everything included in being a bridesmaid. No phone call or discussion. Just that. Our dresses were cheap (less than $100) and shoes were cheap (around $25) and that is all we asked the girls to do. We have plenty of girls not getting their nails and hair done professionally and that is fine with us. I don't know if I should try to talk to her about everything now that it has been a few weeks? She hasn't called or anything since then. Am I just being overly sensitive or does this whole thing seem odd to anyone else? We asked our bridal party right away, about 10 months ago... why not just tell me no then?

Abar0302

This happened to me too exactly through text messages 10 weeks before the edding. My friend and i did everything together. I didn't lose a bridesmaid I lost a best friend. I don't know what to do either. Advice would be great. Thanks for posting this and good luck to you

jagore08

Money issues come up all the time.  She may have been able to afford the dress when you originally asked her but now can't.  It happens.  What you think is cheap may not be to another person.  Did you ask what each person could afford (privately) before selecting dresses?

As for not hearing from her, she might be embarrassed about the situation.  I suggest that the both of you call your friends and let them know you understand if they can't be in your weddings.  Then change subject so there isn't any awkwardness.  If you want to keep your friendships then let this go and adk how they are doing.  There might be other issues in their life right now.

caitlinc09

That's such a hard thing to handle I'm so sorry both of you are dealing with this!

I agree with PP that she may be feeling embarrassed for one reason or another. Keep in mind the money thing may have just been an excuse, or she likely would have told you from the get go that she couldn't do it. At that point in time, I feel like it's just a cover story for something deeper going on. 

I think at this point the best plan is to reach out to her. Ask her how she's doing and tell her that you miss her and you don't want your friendship to change because she decided to drop out. Ask her if she is okay and if anything has come up in her life she hasn't told you about that's stressful.

Good luck to both of you!

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-who-dropped-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c1ad672-5eca-490b-b123-aafd2b452534Post:d334d2fa-fb0f-4d62-b323-eabdb620090b">Bridesmaid who dropped out...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a bridesmaid who dropped out of our wedding 10 weeks before! I am not sure how to handle it. I told her it was fine. She just texted me to tell me that she didn't think she could swing the money for the dress and everything included in being a bridesmaid. No phone call or discussion. Just that. Our dresses were cheap (less than $100) and shoes were cheap (around $25) and that is all we asked the girls to do. We have plenty of girls not getting their nails and hair done professionally and that is fine with us. I don't know if I should try to talk to her about everything now that it has been a few weeks? She hasn't called or anything since then. Am I just being overly sensitive or does this whole thing seem odd to anyone else? We asked our bridal party right away, about 10 months ago... why not just tell me no then?
Posted by adamssa[/QUOTE]
I would advise you not to take it as a personal slight.  Also, if you're requiring particular shoes you should be paying for them.  Did you ask her (and your other bridesmaids') budget before picking out the dress?  $100 may be reasonable to you, and may not be reasonable to her.  She may also feel pressure to pitch in for a shower and bachelorette party, plus presents for you (even though none of that is required). 

Don't over think it, don't analyze it to death, and don't get insulted.  She's not doing anything wrong by having to drop out of being in your wedding.  It doesn't mean she loves you any less, it just means that it's beyond the realm of her capabilities right now.  Be thankful that she's still going to be at the wedding and call her up for coffee or a movie or just to hang out, to let her know that you're not holding any grudges.

daizee32

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-who-dropped-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c1ad672-5eca-490b-b123-aafd2b452534Post:186dcda5-59da-48fd-8c23-06bb4ba7f552">Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Bridesmaid who dropped out... : I would advise you not to take it as a personal slight.  Also, if you're requiring particular shoes you should be paying for them.  Did you ask her (and your other bridesmaids') budget before picking out the dress?  $100 may be reasonable to you, and may not be reasonable to her.  She may also feel pressure to pitch in for a shower and bachelorette party, plus presents for you (even though none of that is required).  Don't over think it, don't analyze it to death, and don't get insulted.  <strong>She's not doing anything wrong by having to drop out of being in your wedding.</strong>  It doesn't mean she loves you any less, it just means that it's beyond the realm of her capabilities right now.  Be thankful that she's still going to be at the wedding and call her up for coffee or a movie or just to hang out, to let her know that you're not holding any grudges.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

I respectfully have to disagree with this.  With 10 weeks to go, I personally see a big problem with dropping out of the wedding. 

goobersinlove

If I were in your situation, personally I would offer to pay for her BM dress and shoes if that was the only reason she was dropping out.  I'd let her know that she is your friend and you still want her in the bridal party! And like other PP's said, reach out to her and go out for coffee, etc.

But if you don't want to do that - or do, but it turns out that she sincerely just doesn't want to be in the bridal party anymore for more that just the money reason - then I'm sorry. :-(

msuprincess04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-who-dropped-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c1ad672-5eca-490b-b123-aafd2b452534Post:980fcc3c-8765-4ea6-9281-ce9852cc0f0b">Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out... : I respectfully have to disagree with this.  With 10 weeks to go, I personally see a big problem with dropping out of the wedding. 
Posted by daizee32[/QUOTE]

The only "problem" would be uneven sides. And that's not really a problem. She should be more concerned about her friendship than what her wedding pictures would look like.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-who-dropped-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c1ad672-5eca-490b-b123-aafd2b452534Post:980fcc3c-8765-4ea6-9281-ce9852cc0f0b">Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out... : I respectfully have to disagree with this.  With 10 weeks to go, I personally see a big problem with dropping out of the wedding. 
Posted by daizee32[/QUOTE]

<div>What big problem?  She was going to stand there, and now she's not.  It's a wedding party, not a stage production.  </div><div>
</div><div>OP, if she's citing money as an issue, I would offer to cover the dress.  You should be paying for the shoes anyway.  </div>

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-who-dropped-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c1ad672-5eca-490b-b123-aafd2b452534Post:980fcc3c-8765-4ea6-9281-ce9852cc0f0b">Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out... : I respectfully have to disagree with this.  With 10 weeks to go, I personally see a big problem with dropping out of the wedding. 
Posted by daizee32[/QUOTE]

What big problems will this present? Will the bride and groom still be legally married at the end of the day? Will the flowers still get delivered? Will the caterer still show up and feed people? Will the DJ still play the chicken dance and YMCA?

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-who-dropped-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c1ad672-5eca-490b-b123-aafd2b452534Post:980fcc3c-8765-4ea6-9281-ce9852cc0f0b">Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out... : I respectfully have to disagree with this.  With 10 weeks to go, I personally see a big problem with dropping out of the wedding. 
Posted by daizee32[/QUOTE]

Well, if a good friend drops out of a wedding with 10 weeks to go, she's more than likely not doing it for shiits and giggles. She's doing it because something <em>really</em> major has come up ... she's out of money, she's got a big personal problem, the bride did something to piss her off, she's sick ... I'm sure that 99.9% of bridesmaids who drop out aren't thinking, "Gee, what can I do to screw with the bride? I know, I'll drop out!"

So rather than be furious with her for dropping out with 10 weeks left, the brides here ought to reach out to their friends and say, "The decision to stay in the wedding party or not is totally yours, but I'm really concerned for you. Is everything all right? Is there anything I can do to help?"

And really, if the girl DID decide to drop out just for fun at the 10-week mark, so what? How does that really impact the wedding? That's TONS of time to alter the flower order and change the ceremony program. Hell, even if she were to drop out three hours before the wedding, it still doesn't impact anything ... they just go on with whoever they have left. No guest is going to notice if the program lists a bridesmaid who isn't there, or demand to know where the missing bridesmaid is if the bridal party sides are uneven.

Yeah, if the girl just decided randomly that she didn't want to be a bridesmaid anymore for no reason, I'd be hurt and upset too, but moreso I'd be concerned that a previously awesome friend would suddenly start acting this way.

StephBeanWed61502

I'm dying to know how having one less bridesmaid will create a "big problem."  Will the wedding be invalid because the sides are uneven?  Or perhaps you're from some sort of culture where uneven sides is believed to cause the apocalypse?

mbody

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-who-dropped-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c1ad672-5eca-490b-b123-aafd2b452534Post:65b19f82-beea-428c-a219-ceea15a38868">Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out... : What big problems will this present? Will the bride and groom still be legally married at the end of the day? Will the flowers still get delivered? Will the caterer still show up and feed people? Will the DJ still play the chicken dance and YMCA?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]
I always enjoy your posts! :)

OP, don't take it personal that your BM dropped out. She may not have had money issues when you asked, but now she does. If you can afford it, I'd offer to pay for her dress and shoes (which the shoes you should really be paying for anyway since you're requiring a certain pair.) Also, she may feel pressured to put money towards any pre-wedding parties you are having.

Call her up- go for lunch, hang out, or whatever because she is still a friend regardless of her WP status.

mellimel19

It sucks that she dropped out, and I'm sure you're sad over it, but as others have said, try not to take it as a personal slight. She may be embarrassed right now for having had to drop out of your wedding. Try reaching out to her, if she doesn't respond, just give her a little time.

I sympathize with your situaiton. I had a BM drop out on me due to finances. She said she could afford the dress, but didn't think she could swing all the "extra stuff," which turned out to be the shower and bachelorette that my BP is trying to plan. She felt that was unfair to the rest of the girls and that she would be half a$$ing it if she couldn't contribute to these things, even though I told everyone it wasn't necessary. I'm still really sad that finances got in the way of having one of my oldest friends in my bridal party. But she will always remain one of my dearest friends.

ebhavens

Sounds like it is what she said it is, the money.  She is also feeling bad, so has probably not called due to that.

I have one bridesmaid who I know is short on cash.  I actually paid for the dress, and she will pay me back as she gets money.  She has two kids, and is a stay at home mom.  I said for her not to worry about paying me at any certain time, but that I am just happy she will be a part of my big day.

I also have friends who have had girls drop out, and probably due to money as well.  They didn't follow up with the BM, and did end up drifting as friends.

Either way, I would reach out to your friend.  Let them know you are happy just having them as a guest or as a BM, if you can maybe help out with some of her costs. 

Just an idea....not sure if it will help.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-who-dropped-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8c1ad672-5eca-490b-b123-aafd2b452534Post:980fcc3c-8765-4ea6-9281-ce9852cc0f0b">Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid who dropped out... : I respectfully have to disagree with this.  With 10 weeks to go, I personally see a big problem with dropping out of the wedding. 
Posted by daizee32[/QUOTE]
And that problem would be....?  She gave OP 2.5 months notice, that's plenty of time.  There is absolutely nothing that will be ruined by not having this bridesmaid in the wedding.

blgrout

If I were in your shoes, I'd be trying to find out what the problem is with my good friend.  Actually, I would do exacltly what mbc said. 

It will not affect your ability to get married though.  Be a good friend and find out what's going on.

Abar0302

I don't know the situation of the other knottie... But my friend came with me two times to pick out wedding dresses and one time to pick out bridesmaid dresses ( since I live cross country from my family and other bridesmaids ). Then I booked a venue plans got serious and she kept blowing me off for everything. Coffee, happy hour , lunch - even when I offered to pay. Even suggested girls night in! Then I backed off for a bit and a couple days later she texted me and said I dearly want to be at your wedding I just can't afford it. I said okay no problem ! Didn't hear from her after that. I ran into her once at the gym. We had small talk. The next two times she didn't even say hi . We used to go to the gym together and now ?? I'm of course sad that she won't be at my wedding but I'm even more upset that I lost my best friend. Something must have happened friendship wise that I can't see or....?? Not sure. Thanks for letting me vent. Glad to hear I'm not alone even though I'm sure it sucks for everyone. Happy Thursday night ( almost the weekend woohoo)