Sister as Maid of Honor- Kinda long

tyvanmun

My sis is my bestest friend in the whole world and we always have fun together and it's awesome to have her around. But, when I went to college, I started noticing behavior that was totally unlike her! She cusses a lot now, listens to terrible rap music, she got kicked out of college( losing a full ride) for being suicidal! She wasn't even suicidal, she just said that to get out of school, by the way.
She is my best friend still, but I dislike a lot of this new "I hate life" attitude because I am so happy with life! I don't know if she can handle the responsibility of being my Maid of Honor anymore because she has given up on so many things! I don't want to hurt her feelings by putting her as just a bridesmaid, but I don't want her to compromise my day either. I feel like a selfish person for thinking like this.
Also, up at school, I have found a great friend! I want to honor her by asking her to be a bridesmaid, but I was now thinking about asking her to be my Maid of Honor. But I can't do that until I've made up my mind about my sis.
What would you guys do?

PS: I don't have a problem with people who listen to rap, by the way...we are just country folk and that's a big change in music.

liz745

How far away is your wedding? You dont need to make those decision until its about 6 months away. For now I would just watch the situation. If you are going to choose now I would say that just because your sister has changed doesnt mean she love you and she will ruin your wedding day or whatever. Talk to her, make it apparent that she doesnt have to do it. If she declines ask your friend and make her a BM

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-maid-of-honor-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8ef23572-1760-4761-a636-25215bab3fa6Post:427d1edd-2313-44af-b864-e9396cb668d1">Sister as Maid of Honor- Kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]My sis is my bestest friend in the whole world and we always have fun together and it's awesome to have her around. But, when I went to college, I started noticing behavior that was totally unlike her! She cusses a lot now, listens to terrible rap music, she got kicked out of college( losing a full ride) for being suicidal! She wasn't even suicidal, she just said that to get out of school, by the way. She is my best friend still, but I dislike a lot of this new "I hate life" attitude because I am so happy with life! I don't know if she can handle the responsibility of being my Maid of Honor anymore because she has given up on so many things! I don't want to hurt her feelings by putting her as just a bridesmaid, but I don't want her to compromise my day either. I feel like a selfish person for thinking like this. Also, up at school, I have found a great friend! I want to honor her by asking her to be a bridesmaid, but I was now thinking about asking her to be my Maid of Honor. But I can't do that until I've made up my mind about my sis. What would you guys do? PS: I don't have a problem with people who listen to rap, by the way...we are just country folk and that's a big change in music.
Posted by tyvanmun[/QUOTE]


What "responsibility" do you think she has as MOH? She'd just have to get the dress and stand up with you on the wedding day. MOH is just a nice honor for your closest friend, not a laundry list of chores, tasks or duties to fulfill.

If she is still your dearest friend, then she fits the criteria as MOH. Her listening to rap music or flaking out on school really has nothing to do with that. And I don't get how any of her new habits would "compromise" your day.

You SHOULD feel like a selfish person, because frankly, you SOUND like a selfish person from this post. But I hope you don't really mean it the way it's coming across here, because on the screen it looks like you're primarily concerned with what the MOH can do for you and your wedding. I hope we can give you the benefit of the doubt that you're just misunderstanding the role of MOH because stupid magazines and TV shows and websites make poor brides think that the purpose of a MOH is so that the bride has a happy helper.

gottahavashorti

Listen to mbc.  It doesn't sound like any of those things are relevant to your wedding.

Either your sister's personality is changing a ton, or she has problems in her life bigger than deciding whether to throw a bridal shower.  Doesn't mean she can't handle being in a wedding though as long as she is still able to purchase a dress and wear it to the wedding.

megk8oz

The "responsibilities" of being your BP entail the following:

1) Get attire
2) Show up wearing it
3) Smile pretty for the pictures.

That's it. Anything else that anyone volunteers to do for you is just gravy.

MyNameIsNot

You shouldn't ask anyone until about 9 months out.  When you do get ready to ask, your "bestest" friend in the whole world should be your MOH.  Your other friends should be your BMs.

There are no duties that MOH or BMs need to be up to.  They are all in charge of getting a dress, showing up, walking up the aisle, standing quietly during the ceremony and smiling for photos.  Your MOH may have the added duty of holding your flowers and signing a marriage license.  There is nothing else.  She can handle it. 

They are not required to help you plan your wedding, or to listen to you talk about it all the time, or to plan parties for you.  Anyone can if they want, and if they want to, they will, regardless of what title they have.

SarahPLiz

If your sister is having major personaolity changes, perhaps you need to focus more on her than her role in your wedding. While some personality change is normal as people mature and become more independant, a sudden, drastic change can be a warning sign of depression and suicidal tendencies. they can also be a sign of drug use.

Try being a sister first, and making sure that she is mentally stable. If she is, and she jsut changed her taste in music, then there is nothing wrong with that. She will be your sister forever, but your MOH for one day. remember that!

duckie1905

ditto mbc and sarah; excellent points.  Rethink your attitude and where your concern is.  Be concerned about your sister first.  Then, worry about your wedding.

LarissaAnn

I was going to say the same thing as Sarah.  It honestly sounds like right now your sister needs a sister, not "the bride in the family."  Be there for her.  I'm hoping for her sake and yours it's not anything as drastic as suicidal thoughts or drug use.  When I was a freshman in college, there were one or two kids who had meltdowns and dropped out.  They just weren't mature enough to handle the pressure and responsibility, and got homesick.  Was your sister going away to school?

blackfire5th

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-maid-of-honor-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8ef23572-1760-4761-a636-25215bab3fa6Post:427d1edd-2313-44af-b864-e9396cb668d1">Sister as Maid of Honor- Kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]she got kicked out of college( losing a full ride) for being suicidal! She wasn't even suicidal, she just said that to get out of school, by the way.
[/QUOTE]
Are you sure about this?  I wouldn't take this threat lightly.  She may not want to confide in you about this and just told you that she wasn't.  Ditto Sara and Larissa, I'd be much more concerned about this

[QUOTE]
She is my best friend still, but I dislike a lot of this new "I hate life" attitude because I am so happy with life!  I don't want to hurt her feelings by putting her as just a bridesmaid, but I don't want her to compromise my day either. I feel like a selfish person for thinking like this.
[/QUOTE]
This "I hate life attitude" makes we wonder about how serious her suicide threats are.  If she does hate life, then suicide could be a big concern.  If she is feeling down, do you want to risk sending her over some edge because you are worried about your wedding that isn't for another year and a half?

Also, she won't ruin your wedding day unless you let her.  Trust me, you will be so busy with everything else and so emotional with your new husband that you probably won't even notice any attitude.

[QUOTE]
Also, up at school, I have found a great friend! I want to honor her by asking her to be a bridesmaid, but I was now thinking about asking her to be my Maid of Honor. But I can't do that until I've made up my mind about my sis. What would you guys do? Posted by tyvanmun[/QUOTE]
It's great that you found a new friend, but wait until the end of the summer to do anything more with the bridal party.  In another 8 months you may have a better idea.  However, do not demote your sister.  Demoting someone or kicking them out of the WP is a very public slight.  Either make the girl a bm or co-MOH with your sister.

mbcdefg

I also have to add ... when I was in college, I was attached at the hip to two girls, and we actually all promised each other we'd be each others' bridesmaids someday.

One girl went nuts and turned into a giant jerk, and the other (the one who introduced me and FI, actually) moved across the country and promised to keep in touch and she never did. And this was all in the span of about a month or two, after we'd been best buds for two semesters.

So, yeah, that's another point about why you should wait until maybe 8 months prior to your wedding to ask anyone to be a bridesmaid. College friendships will change in the blink of an eye. I'm not too far out of college and I barely talk to any of the people that I used to hang out with every day. And we all still live in the same neighborhood (we attended a local commuter school), so it's not like we just moved back home and don't see each other. I see some of them in the supermarket in town and we barely have anything to talk about.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-maid-of-honor-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8ef23572-1760-4761-a636-25215bab3fa6Post:427d1edd-2313-44af-b864-e9396cb668d1">Sister as Maid of Honor- Kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]I dislike a lot of this new "I hate life" attitude because I am so happy with life! I don't know if she can handle the responsibility of being my Maid of Honor anymore because she has given up on so many things!
Posted by tyvanmun[/QUOTE]

1. Ditto PPs.

2. Your sister is acting in a way that you describe as her hating life. You don't want to be around that because you're so happy with your life. Now reread those two sentences and tell me what's wrong with this picture. I understand that you want to enjoy your engagement (and whatever other good things you have going on), but it really sounds like rather than thinking about your sister bringing you down, you might want to look at how you can help her out. Her behavioral changes could be more serious than you seem to realize. Talk wedding with other people, and be there for your sister.

3. You say you don't know if she can handle being your MOH "anymore." That makes me wonder if you already asked her. If you did, PLEASE do not demote/fire/ask to step down. That will really hurt her (especially if she's already a little unstable), and it makes you look bad too. The only person who should help you plan is your FI, and BMs (or MOH) are not required to throw parties or do anything beyond getting the dress (within their budget) and standing up with you on the day.