Best friend...to Bridesmaid... to Stranger! Help!

AScampolino

So my good friend from college and I are/were very close. We got into a tiff a few years back and managed to come back together -- anyways, my fiance and I took a few months apart a while ago and she was there for me alot... We went ollerblading, hiking girls nights etc. Well my FH and I were back on and obviously everything was fine. She would still come over - hang out all the time and then we bought a new house - and ever since we bought a house and got engaged... she pretty much decided she needed to find new friends and forget about me. Well... that was fine and I tried VERY hard to be close still-- but I was moving, remodeling and ripping apart a home from 1950 and she never offered help but was more mad I had no time for HER. So when it came time to picking bridesmaids, I was very hesitant and wanted her to be there but didnt like she was acting-- she called me crying so upset she wasnt part of it etc etc... so I told her I was still working on it and then eventually asked her more out of guilt than anything. So .....now I basically have seen her and talked to her 2 times since March and shes not even coming to my Bridal Shower because shes coaching cheerleading. HELPPP....I dont want her in my photos that Ill have FOREVER when I barely speak to her now....Shes a very cold person and Ive tried to talk to her about things but it NEVER helps. Should I just suck it up since I made the mistake in asking her...AHH!

Ive never used this before... so forgive me if its too much.

Thanks!

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendto-bridesmaid-stranger?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:97cf30d9-ea7c-4d57-b3ed-f30c22524be1Post:8531bef2-149e-4c0d-9dce-b5af76fcceda">Best friend...to Bridesmaid... to Stranger! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]So my good friend from college and I are/were very close. We got into a tiff a few years back and managed to come back together -- anyways, my fiance and I took a few months apart a while ago and she was there for me alot... We went ollerblading, hiking girls nights etc. Well my FH and I were back on and obviously everything was fine. She would still come over - hang out all the time and then we bought a new house - and ever since we bought a house and got engaged... she pretty much decided she needed to find new friends and forget about me. Well... that was fine and I tried VERY hard to be close still-- but I was moving, remodeling and ripping apart a home from 1950 and she never offered help but was more mad <strong>I had no time for HER</strong>. So when it came time to picking bridesmaids, I was very hesitant and wanted her to be there but didnt like she was acting-- she called me crying so upset she wasnt part of it etc etc... so I told her I was still working on it and then eventually asked her more out of guilt than anything. So .....now I basically have seen her and talked to her 2 times since March and <strong>shes not even coming to my Bridal Shower because shes coaching cheerleading. HELPPP</strong>....I dont want her in my photos that Ill have FOREVER when I barely speak to her now....Shes a very cold person and Ive tried to talk to her about things but it NEVER helps. <strong>Should I just suck it up since I made the mistake in asking her.</strong>..AHH! Ive never used this before... so forgive me if its too much. Thanks!
Posted by AScampolino[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The bold were just things that grab out at me. She's not under any obligation (even as a bm) to attend your shower. Showers are pretty lame anyways. The fact that she has a legitimate obligation (coaching) is reason enough for you to not push her on this.</div><div>
</div><div>This issue, whether or not you like to think it this way, is a friend issue, not a bm issue. If you don't want her as a friend anymore (for real, she will probably never speak to you again) then by all means, kick her out. Otherwise, yes you need to suck it up. It wasn't necessarily a mistake that you asked her, but all your reasons for kicking her out are pretty much all about you...."she never has time for me"...."she's not coming to MY party to watch me open gifts and go 'ooh, ahh' over me".......me me ME! 

</div>

Nu Beginnings

I would call her and ask her is she still able to be in it the wedding due to HER 'busy' schedule. Act like u are 'considering' her and how u dont want to interfere with her plans...etc. when in actuality u are asking again in hopes that she will say she is too busy to do. lay it on thick and ask questions about things thats been goin on with her lately... like u really care whats up with her. dont go on about what is goin on with u...  let the convo be all about her and how u dont want to interfer with her.  Or say there may be some changes to the bridal party and may not need as many bridesmaids as before. And even if ppl feel like its all about me, me, me ... well it should be YOU are the bride. If someone wants to make a commitment then they need to be available to keep it. BMs are to help the bride in any way and when i picked mine i made that crystal clear.  I ask abt everyones schedule, i make appts around their schedule and everyone show up.  We can give u advice but we really dont 'know' her.. only u do so u know if she has a legitimate excuse or if she blowing u off. if she blowing u off then go with asking is her schedule too busy for u. if she has a legitimate excuse and try to make it up by helpin in other ways then keep her. - hope this helped

stay TRU in all u do!

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendto-bridesmaid-stranger?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:97cf30d9-ea7c-4d57-b3ed-f30c22524be1Post:a9421153-9ebc-4cd7-a5a4-241002ec773e">Re: Best friend...to Bridesmaid... to Stranger! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE] And even if ppl feel like its all about me, me, me ... well it should be YOU are the bride. If someone wants to make a commitment then they need to be available to keep it. BMs are to help the bride in any way and when i picked mine i made that crystal clear.  <strong>I ask abt everyones schedule, i make appts around their schedule and everyone show up. </strong>
Posted by Nu Beginnings[/QUOTE]

<div>What help do you possibly need?! Is it that hard to marry the person you're engaged to?! lol sorry for the snark, but bridesmaids are friends, not hired help. Your wedding (it's one day, not an entire year of parties and bridal fittings) is ONE DAY! Yes, it's worth repeating. </div><div>
</div><div>Unless you were planning mass fittings for all your bms to attend, you (nu beginnings) are being very demanding of your friends. I'm not saying you're a bad friend, but asking your girls to show up to YOUR fitting is a little excessive. You're asking them to watch you slip on a dress, watch the seamstress pin you up, and go ooh aah! </div><div>
</div><div>OP, nubeginnings is correct in the sense that you should be letting your friend decide if she wants to be in your wedding party. This doesn't mean you call her up and ask "well, which is it? Are you in or are you out?" It's more along the lines of sending her the dress and wedding date info, and leaving it at that. If she shows up on the day of the wedding with all that crap, then she obviously wants to be a bridesmaid. If not, she's automatically removed herself and you don't look bad at all.</div><div>
</div><div>However, like I said before, kicking a girl out, whether she is a witch or you're not getting enough love, is a friendship ending move. It will also only look bad on you. Yes, it always looks bad on the bride. It sucks, but it's the truth.</div>

mysticl

OP, just throwing this out there.  Maybe with you buying the house and getting engaged she felt you were leaving her behind and she needed to find other people to hang with.

And while it would have been nice for her to help with the moving and remodeling that's not her job.  Maybe she wanted to spend time with you having fun not ripping up ugly carpet. 

trix1223

OP:  You're considering kicking out your former bff because among other reasons she didn't offer to come and help remodel YOUR house.  I've seen a lot of "duties" listed on various websites and in magazines, but that's a new one.

Darlin', your friend has her own life.  For the next however long, almost all of the decisions that you make will reflect the fact that you're getting married and planning a wedding.  But that doesn't mean that your wedding has to be at the center of anyone else's live.

A member of the WP does indeed have a role.  It begins the morning of the wedding and ends when the ceremony is over.  That's it.  Not months before the wedding.  Not weeks before the wedding. 

As for this stellar advice from nubeginnings, I would call her and ask her is she still able to be in it the wedding due to HER 'busy' schedule. Act like u are 'considering' her and how u dont want to interfere with her plans...etc. when in actuality u are asking again in hopes that she will say she is too busy to do. lay it on thick and ask questions about things thats been goin on with her lately... like u really care whats up with her. dont go on about what is goin on with u...  let the convo be all about her and how u dont want to interfer with her.  Or say there may be some changes to the bridal party and may not need as many bridesmaids as before.

please, please please ignore this.  Because as soon as you say "Are you in or out?"  your friend will hear "She doesn't me in the WP anymore."  And to the last sentence:  "Oh....I may not need as many bridesmaids as before" is just dreadful. 

First of all, you don't NEED any BMs.  None.  Zero.  So to suddenly say "I may not need as many bridesmaids as before" is just cruel and code for "I don't like you anymore and don't want you in my wedding".

nubeginnings:  it would be much easier to take you seriously if you weren't writing like a 13 year old text messaging.

Finally, OP:  Stop worrying about how the pictures will look. As someone who's been married a long time, I can promise you that you won't spend every day staring at your pictures and feeling awful because of one person in the photos. 

I'd hope what you're looking at is the joy on your face and your DH's as you remember the day you agreed to continue this journey together.

Let go of this.  Your expectations, both OP and nubeginnings are way, way, way too high for what a member of the WP has to do.  You both need some serious perspective on what a wedding day is really about.  And what a WP is really about.

quotequeen

You don't kick people out of your wedding party unless they've done something truly horrible.  Not wanting to have to see her in your pictures if you fall out of touch in the future is not a reason.  Kicking somebody out is mean - do you really want to treat your friend that way?  Just because you don't see her as often as you used to and she didn't help you remodel your house??

emilyinchile

You say you asked her out of guilt even though you weren't that close anymore. And now...you're still not that close, and she's not 100% all about your wedding. Does this surprise you? It shouldn't. Asking people to be in your wedding doesn't change the relationship you have with them. If you want to work on the friendship, do that without focusing it around your wedding. If you really do not care if you never speak to her again - and don't mind other people probably thinking you're a bridezilla when they just hear "AScampolino kicked Suzy out of her wedding" - then by all means end the friendship, and it will be understood that she is no longer invited to your wedding.

loop0406

I don't agree with stina93446 that showers are lame.

I do agree that she's not obligated to attend pre-wedding parties if she doesn't want to.

I think you already chose her, only way you can get her out of the pictures is if you're done with her, completely cutting her out of your life forever, then go ahead and not invite her at all. because long as she's a bridesmaid or guest, she will be in pictures...

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendto-bridesmaid-stranger?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:97cf30d9-ea7c-4d57-b3ed-f30c22524be1Post:d0307091-9cef-4060-9109-73ac2c8a211e">Re: Best friend...to Bridesmaid... to Stranger! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't agree with stina93446 that showers are lame. 
Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]

<div>Okay, okay, not ALL showers are lame.....but they aren't mandatory.</div>

AScampolino

Hmm... I think that it came out wrong that I expected her to help me remodel my house?? Negative. I wasnt even engaged when I bought the home. I meant that once I moved a town over-- she dropped me -- didnt call nothing -- didnt return my phone calls , text messages NOTHING. And when I talked to her about it -- she replied that she thinks our friendship is over because youre too far to hang out with etc etc... anyways, we talked thru and everything was okay but still didnt see her.

Then I got engaged and what I dont understand is if she didnt want to be friends with me anymore-- why did she call me crying when she thought she WASNT going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding??? She was like devastated hysterical -- and I DO want her there and I DO want our friendship back to how it used to be.

I do not expect ANYTHING of ONE OF MY BRIDESMAIDS. I have done EVERY single thing alone and not asked for ONE ounce of help because I agree-- its MY day and theres no need to go making people do stuff on their sunday afternoon for me. Thats just insane-- however, as my best friend -- legit spent every sinle day with ther the past 5 years... then she jsut dissapearst... I dont understand it.

Ive tried to talk to he about everything a hundred times-- about our friendship not my wedding. She doesnt know ONE thing about my wedding - I NEVER EVER talk about it with her or really anyone else because Ive been around brides who dont shut up and their wedding and its boring to other people. Hence why I came on here looking for help. Honestly,  THe only thing my BMS have had to do was get a dress fitting so far. Ntohing more and I do not expect anything more -- so I want to make that VERY clear.  I stuffed every envelope- hand made every last thing all by myself.


As for my friend I agree that "kicking her out" is messed up and I would never but I just wish I could understand her more. I think she feels like shes losing me cause im getting married - so she needs to find a new best friend. does that make sense??

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendto-bridesmaid-stranger?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:97cf30d9-ea7c-4d57-b3ed-f30c22524be1Post:8531bef2-149e-4c0d-9dce-b5af76fcceda">Best friend...to Bridesmaid... to Stranger! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]So my good friend from college and I are/were very close. We got into a tiff a few years back and managed to come back together -- anyways, my fiance and I took a few months apart a while ago and she was there for me alot... We went ollerblading, hiking girls nights etc. Well my FH and I were back on and obviously everything was fine. She would still come over - hang out all the time and then we bought a new house - and ever since we bought a house and got engaged... she pretty much decided she needed to find new friends and forget about me. Well... that was fine and I tried VERY hard to be close still-- but I was moving, remodeling and ripping apart a home from 1950 and <strong>she never offered help</strong> but was more mad I had no time for HER. So when it came time to picking bridesmaids, I was very hesitant and wanted her to be there but didnt like she was acting-- she called me crying so upset she wasnt part of it etc etc... so I told her I was still working on it and then eventually asked her more out of guilt than anything. So .....now I basically have seen her and talked to her 2 times since March and <strong>shes not even coming to my Bridal Shower because shes coaching cheerleading.</strong> HELPPP...<strong>.I dont want her in my photos </strong>that Ill have FOREVER when I barely speak to her now....Shes a very cold person and Ive tried to talk to her about things but it NEVER helps. Should I just suck it up since<strong> I made the mistake in asking her.</strong>..AHH! Ive never used this before... so forgive me if its too much. Thanks!
Posted by AScampolino[/QUOTE]

Ascampolino:  we can only go by what you write.  And I've bolded the parts in your OP that made everyone assume the same things:  that she's not helping, that she's not coming to your shower, that you don't want her in your photos, and that you made a mistake in asking her.  All of those things add up and hence the replies you received.

Stop putting this in the perspective of your wedding.  It sounds like you're drifting apart and neither one of you really knows how to handle that.  My advice?  Just let this ride until the wedding is over.  Don't boot her out.  Don't talk any more or any less than you're doing.

Enjoy your wedding, and then see where the relationship goes, on its own accord, after you're married.  There is always an ebb and flow in relationships, and very, very, very few relationships with friends are truly "life long".

Good luck.

futurehubzandwifey

Yeah. If you don't want her as a friend, either talk to her about how hurtful her actions are or kick her out of your life. Other posters are right--this is a friend problem, not a bridesmaid one.

bablingbrooke

Focus on the friendship.  Sometimes people drift apart and it's fine--you don't have to stay friends forever.  However, it was incumbent on you to not let her bully you into asking her to be a BM if you truly didn't want her to be one.

If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, the BM bit will take care of itself.  However, if you've been friends for this long, I think it's worth a shot to try one last time to reconnect.  People have taken this advice and come back to report that the friendship is now doing much better because they took the time to try to fix it.  Others haven't been able to despite some effort.  But it's worth a shot, right?

FWIW, three of my BMs didn't come to my shower.  It wasn't any sort of comment on the friendship or the marriage, it was just on a Wednesday afternoon and they lived OOT and couldn't make it.  It's not a mandatory event.  It's not something a BM should just blow off, but if she actually can't make it, she can't make it.

Just out of curiosity, why do you think she wanted to be a BM so badly if you weren't close with each other?

MrsMack10612

Don't worry about who is or isn't in the pictures.  No lie, a former coworker of mine...his best man ended up being a murderer...how'd you like to have that in your wedding pictures for all eternity.

As PP have said - sounds like you have more of a friend issue than a BM issue.  I recommend having a sit down with her and finding out what's up.  You're both going in different directions in life and maybe just be a drifting apart.

Give her a chance to give her your perspective before you consider condeming thefriendship forever.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendto-bridesmaid-stranger?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:97cf30d9-ea7c-4d57-b3ed-f30c22524be1Post:f6e2b8dd-005f-43ef-af96-075ce61c9897">Re: Best friend...to Bridesmaid... to Stranger! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't worry about who is or isn't in the pictures.  No lie, a former coworker of mine...his best man ended up being a murderer...how'd you like to have that in your wedding pictures for all eternity. 
Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]
I demand to hear the story!  That sounds insane!

catemeg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendto-bridesmaid-stranger?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:97cf30d9-ea7c-4d57-b3ed-f30c22524be1Post:9d957389-dfb2-4308-9419-fd40e6eefa30">Re: Best friend...to Bridesmaid... to Stranger! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]why did she call me crying when she thought she WASNT going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding??? She was like devastated hysterical -- and I DO want her there and I DO want our friendship back to how it used to be. ..... I think she feels like shes losing me cause im getting married - so she needs to find a new best friend. does that make sense??
Posted by AScampolino[/QUOTE]

Hmm... well, I think this is a lot like when married couples have a baby to "fix the relationship".  If you're having problems with the friendship when you get engaged, that's not the time to try to "fix it" by making her a bridesmaid!

Sadly, you made your bed by inviting her to be a bridesmaid, and yes, now you do have to lie in it.  Even if you didn't care about ruining the friendship by kicking her out, I guarantee you the other bridesmaids would talk about what a terrible thing that was to do to someone.  So yeah, don't kick her out, keep trying to be friendly, and I'm sure she'll be wonderful on your wedding day.  If not, you'll still be married and you won't have to worry about it!

Angrytomato

I agree with one of the previous posters who said to just ride it out until afer the wedding. Don't push her too hard away or against you. Don't expect the moon and stars from her.

I'm having the opposite problem with one of my friends. We drifted apart and lost touch a few years ago. We were very close for many years and I'm trying to get in touch with her to invite her to my wedding and to rekindle the friendship. I think she resents me for drifting away (I moved out of state and slowly stopped responding to her). She won't answer her cell or my emails, so I'm giving up. What can you do?

greinsm

You are not alone!! I am going through basically the same thing with a friend of 12 years.  Only my BM wanted to host the shower and bailed two days before causing a lot of unnecessary drama.  I'm not mad because she didn't come, I'm mad because of the way she has been treating the other BMs.  I don' have any advice because I haven't dealt with my situation yet.  At this point I could care less if she shows up the day of the wedding or bails again.

I wish you luck with your situation!!