Wedding Party

Weird FMIL issue (sorry a bit long)

Fiance and I got engaged one year ago. Our wedding is this June. From the start, my mother and I made it very clear we wanted FMIL to be involved (she does interior design on the side and has decorated for many weddings, including her oldest son's) and that my mom and I had no clue what we were doing and wanted her input. 

So a few months later FMIL informs me that her friend from work asked her to help plan and decorate for her daughter's wedding. I was a bit hurt by this, but figured FMIL can do what she wants, and assumed she would still be involved in planning my wedding to her son.

Then we enter the summer. This is a period of time where my mother and I have been meeting with florists, DJs, the pastor, dress shopping, etc.. FMIL can't participate in any of this, as she lives three hours away. She then complains to Fiance that she has not been included in the wedding planning. From then on, my mother and I try our hardest to keep her involved.

FMIL offers to make table runners for our reception, and as she is a seamstress, I also ask her to do the flower basket. Both of these jobs were "assigned" (so to speak) to her over six months ago. She hasn't touched either. I've tried a few times to say "hey let's look over patterns together" to which her response is usually "oh we can do that some other time." So I just accept that maybe she doesn't want to be involved in wedding planning.

Which brings me to the true conflict. Yesterday Fiance and I spent with his parents celebrating Fiance's birthday. On two different occasions, FMIL starts monologue-ing about this wedding she's helping to decorate and the style they chose and the flowers and how much she has to do.... and I've had it!

I'm so hurt by this whole situation. Both my mother and I have been trying non-stop to get her involved when there seems to be no interest, yet she seems all giddy and excited about the other wedding. Why, if she doesn't want to help, does she complain to Fiance that she's not involved?

I'm not sure what to do at this point. This whole issue feels like a slap in the face. I told Fiance I'm going to stop trying to get her involved, and if she complains to him, he can explain why.

I know she absolutely loves me, and we get along really well, so I don't understand why she has no ambition to do anything?

I guess I'm wondering how anyone else would feel about this situation, and what you would do in my place?

Re: Weird FMIL issue (sorry a bit long)

  • I am confused as to why she can only participate in wedding planning that requires attending something....or the flower baskets. IMHO, flower baskets sound like a crap job and you 'assigned' that job to her. 

    Maybe call her and ask her what she's interested in helping with? Plus, this is her son's wedding, not her daughters. If she were your mom, she'd be all up on this planning stuff. She may be more interested in this friend's daughter's wedding because she is closer to them.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_weird-fmil-issue-sorry-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:995a652f-ce3c-45a4-a7dc-d9f35304d431Post:8081211d-cb71-48c6-a605-f6efa01f5d51">Re: Weird FMIL issue (sorry a bit long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am confused as to why she can only participate in wedding planning that requires attending something....or the flower baskets. IMHO, flower baskets sound like a crap job and you 'assigned' that job to her.  Maybe call her and ask her what she's interested in helping with? Plus, this is her son's wedding, not her daughters. If she were your mom, she'd be all up on this planning stuff. She may be more interested in this friend's daughter's wedding because she is closer to them.
    Posted by stina93446[/QUOTE]

    1. She can't come to the meetings because she lives a STATE away... kinda puts a damper on things.
    2. She's making table runners, her idea. I asked if she WANTED to do the flower basket and she said she'd love to.
    3. She isn't closer to this girl. She knows the mother of the bride, but not the bride. She's very close to my fiance. He is her baby after all.
    4. She paid for and was very involved in the wedding planning of her first son. This is why it doesn't make sense.
  • You didn't understand what I said. I was saying that it sounded like you were only asking her about things that required her presence....

    I also know that she is not closer to the other bride, but the friend. I still think that is why she is helping with that wedding. it's also probably closer to her, making it easier.

    she may be hesitant to help because you are marrying her son. It's hard to see someone else be that person for your baby. She is probably doing these things without intention.

    What is the issue here? You made a super long post that was going one way, then another....cliff notes please.
    image
    Sunbonnet or cone of shame? You be the judge! Trixie's Blog
    My Planning Bio
    My Married Bio updated March 4
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_weird-fmil-issue-sorry-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:995a652f-ce3c-45a4-a7dc-d9f35304d431Post:0b2a3a05-1182-4ca3-bf0b-dcd471f09ade">Re: Weird FMIL issue (sorry a bit long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]You didn't understand what I said. I was saying that it sounded like you were only asking her about things that required her presence.... I also know that she is not closer to the other bride, but the friend. I still think that is why she is helping with that wedding. it's also probably closer to her, making it easier. she may be hesitant to help because you are marrying her son. It's hard to see someone else be that person for your baby. She is probably doing these things without intention. What is the issue here? You made a super long post that was going one way, then another....cliff notes please.
    Posted by stina93446[/QUOTE]

    Okay, here are my cliffnotes:

    FMIL b*tches to Fiance she is not involved in our wedding
    Both myself and my mom have been trying for MONTHS to get her involved (not just with what was mentioned above, but with all different aspects)
    FMIL has no interest in helping with wedding, despite all my efforts, and would rather work on this other wedding. And no, she isn't super best friends with this other gal, they are coworkers.
    FMIL claims to love and adore me, yet wants no part in helping.

    What am I supposed to do at this point? Because I'm just throwing in the towel.

    Really do I have to spell it out for you? It doesn't seem to be that hard to understand...
  • Frisky has your FI talked to his mother about all this mess that she seems to be creating. I think he needs to have a sit down with his mom and just find out why she is complaining that she is not involved when you and your mom has offered many times and she just seems disinterested.

    I know its not easy to sit and listen to someone gripe when you know their gripe is not legitimate. You have offered and tried many times to get her involved she is choosing for what ever reason to not take you up on the other things. Just let it go and let your FI deal with it. 

    Enjoy the rest of your planning.
  • Okay, here is my thought.

    I think that your FMIL probably feels that since you or your parents are paying for the wedding, then she should limit her involvement. I would have your Fi ask her what she feels she would like to have input in, and you should include her in that. If she does want to be minimally involved, then so be it. Don't equate her involvement in your wedding to how much she cares about you as a DIL.

    Also, for the table runners and basket, if se is a talented seamstress, she can pop those out much closer to the wedding. I am sure she will follow through with it.

    Have you ever thought that maybe she is getting paid to help her friend with the other wedding? It almost sounds like she is the Wedding Planner, and if she does design like this on the side, she could be receiving money for her services. I obviously don't know you or your family, but I could see that happening.

    Just plan your wedding with your FI and your mother, and let him handle his mother if she worries about her lack of involvement. The circumstance might have been different with her older son's wedding, and you need to quit comparing her involvement in that to her involvement in your wedding. Its just going to make you crazy and make you worry about things that you really don't need to stress yourself out with.


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  • My guess:  She's waiting for your FI to approach her.  It sounds like she's sad that HE isn't getting her involved in some way. 
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