How do I gracefully back out??

straighttalk3646

Okay, get ready for a long story! 

My brother-in-law is getting married in 5 months. I met his fiancee at Thanksgiving who asked me to be her bridesmaid (we hit it off really well). My husband is a graduate student, so she kindly offered to pay for my dress and such. About 3 weeks ago, I called her about the dress and she told me she had no recollection of offering to pay. I told her it was fine and I could scrape the money together for the $300 dress. She then told me my 5 month old, only breastfed son could not attend the ceremony. My husband is the Best Man so he can't watch our son if we are standing at the altar. The bride told me that she arranged babysitting at the synagogue and the ceremony would be only 20-30 minutes, and he would be able to come with me to the informal reception. I told her this was also fine, not a problem. Then she dropped a bombshell yesterday.

Not only did I need to buy a new dress (she changed her colors) but she also changed the reception venue to be a formal sit-down dinner. My son can no longer attend and I need to find alternative care for him. I asked her if I could just peek into the reception and leave after 1/2 an hour or so because my son is totally breastfed and can't go very long without his mommy. She told me this was unacceptable because the reception is a 4 hour long event and very formal. 

As much as I don't want to hurt our new family relationships, I can't leave my son for 4 hours with a stranger in a city I've never been to. I want to gracefully back out of the wedding, but I don't know how! I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, but the bride is being inconsiderate of my situation. 

Please help!!

mgietler76

That's really crappy of her to treat you this way. I would simply let her know that you are breast-feeding an infant and it is impossible for you to leave him for that length of time. Wish her all the best with her upcoming wedding and that you will attend (with your infant) the ceremony as a guest. Make sure she know's your FI is supporting you with this decision.

bdulli13

Agreed with PP. Even if you found someone to watch your son in a room close by, I would be pissed about the dress and the sudden change in plans. This is why it is advised that people don't ask their WP, buy dresses, etc. until you know exactly what is happening and where the wedding will take place. Some people just don't get it. Also, nursing infants are generally the exception to the rule when it comes to children at formal weddings. If she doesn't want to make the exception, she can't expect you to be on board with the rules.

Kudos to you for not blowing up and wanting to back out gracefully. I think simply saying that due to your child still being so young and being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people, it just isn't feasible, but you wish them the best. I think attending the ceremony with the baby is the best option.

Side note: And honestly, I don't see a problem with attending just the cocktail hour of the reception, provided there is one, if you can find and are comfortable with finding a sitter for a short time, but clearly she has other feelings on the subject. If she knows she isn't having to pay for a meal, maybe this would be more feasible for her. The venue isn't going to count every single body in the cocktail hour.

mkrupar

Explain to her that since she has now changed her colors, causing you to have to shell out more money for a new dress, (which in reality should be her responsibility) and changed the style of her event so you will have to be away from your son for 4 hours you will no longer be able to attend. When she makes these decisions to change things like that she has to understand that not everyone will be able to attend.

And $300.00 for the first dress would have made me drop out of the wedding in the first place. Did she even ask you or the other BMs your budgets? I understand you don't want to strain family relations, but she's being a little ridiculous. No one should put their pretty princess day above friends and family and their comfort.

[Deleted User]

There are several factors here I would be pissed about. First of all, breastfed infants are the exception to the rule even if it is a no kids wedding/reception. I agree with the other ladies about telling her you will attend as a guest.

Secondly, that was very low what she did about the dress situation. It sounds like she did that on purpose given the dresses are that expensive and she probably realized she couldn't afford to pay for all the BM's, esp if she is having quite a few. Therefore, she thinks she is going to get her way by having all the BM's she wants and having them wear an ridiculously expensive dress.

I think this is a major case of bridezilla here. I would talk with your H about your plans/intentions so he is aware of them ahead of time once you tell her you will attend as a guest. Let him go ahead and be the BM given this girl is marrying your H brother. I wouldn't want to have the guilt of having your H miss his own brother's wedding despite this major bridezilla and issues.

straighttalk3646

She comes from a very affluent family (the kind that take vacations 4 times a year) so I'm not sure she understands my financial situation. As for attending the wedding as a guest, she is very adamant that my son will not be welcome at the ceremony or reception, guest or not. I really love my brother-in-law and I want to support them in their new life together, but I know deep down that this simply is not possible for me right now. And no, she did not ask for a budget and would not let me buy a dress that was a different, less expensive style. I just don't want to cause a rift in our families, especially since I feel so close to my mother and father-in-law. 

bdulli13

OP, is she still planning for the babysitter at the church though? If that is the case, you should be able to attend the ceremony while your child is in a room in the same building. But above and beyond that, just do what you are comfortable with.

Honestly I don't think you're obligated to attend at all, now that she has attached all these strings. But, you may want to at least make it to the ceremony, for the sake of the in-laws. What she did with the dresses what pretty craptacular, and like MKrupar said, I would have politely declined when I heard $300. I think you have already tried to be flexible, and she just wants what she wants. You aren't required to go broke for someone else's day, or for your own for that matter.

As long as you are kind and make an effort, I think that absolves you from any guilty feelings you think you should have :-)

mbcdefg

Wow. She's a piece of work.

I wouldn't really worry about YOU being the one to "cause a rift" if you back out. That ship sailed when she started treating you like crap.

Just say, "Bride, I've thought it over and under the circumstances, I just cannot commit to being your bridesmaid. Sorry for any inconvenience." Then leave it at that. No further explanation, no more apologies, nothing. (Frankly, I don't even think you owe her THIS much, since she's acting like such a snot, but take the high road and make one quick apology for stepping down.)

She extended you an invitation to be a bridesmaid, not a subpoena, which means that (a) you are free to back out if you just can't do what she's asking of you, and (b) you're not obligated to deal with her bullshiit just because she has a ring on her finger.

Sweetie, if there's a rift in the family over this, it won't be because of YOU. It'll be because SHE is being a real brat. And if YOU are a witness to this awful behavior, then dollars to donuts says that other members of your family feel the same way about her. If she decides to throw a tantrum over this, or be mean to YOU after she treated you like dirt, then that is her problem. Not yours. And as long as you remain polite and classy over this situation, you have no reason to be afraid that you will offend anyone, and (reasonable) people will more than likely take your side over hers should the situation arise.

trix1223

I think you approach it head on, and calmly.  "FSIL, I want to let you know as early as possible that I have to decline the honor of being in your WP.  I'm very flattered that you asked, and wish you a wonderful wedding."  Then if you're inclined you can (or cannot) add something like "The increased expenses, and my responsibilities to our son have become important factors for me in the decision, and it's just not fair to either of us for me to remain a WP member."

She sounds like a peach.  What do your DH and your in-laws think about all this?

straighttalk3646

Thanks so much ladies for making me feel better about all this. My MIL and FIL are not at all happy about it, and my FIL is threatening to not go if my son is not allowed to attend. I'm convincing him otherwise, my husband will for sure be attending the wedding, it is really important to him to see his brother get married and I have no problem with that. Part of me wants to back out all together because it is another plane ticket, more hotel fees, etc etc, that we can't really afford right now. My BIL is being super sweet and trying to keep it all together, but as I told him, he really needs to be there to support his future wife, regardless of her behavior. I just wish there was an easy way to fix this situation. I understand that she wants me there because we are soon to be SILs, but she was not in attendance for my wedding (she was vacationing at the time) so I don't feel like I am obligated to attend hers if that makes sense.

bdulli13

The easy way to fix the situation is a good swift kick in the pants. But, I digress ;-)

You're not obligated. If everyone else in the fam understands, don't stress. If plane tickets are involved, I most definitely wouldn't freak myself out over it. She made the choices, so you have to make yours. You're taking the right approach by not holding hard feelings or saying that your H can't attend. If plans change and you are able to go, great. But your in-laws pressuring her is probably going to make her resentful and crazy, judging by her behavior thus far. You probably wouldn't want to be there after that anyway. Send a nice gift and enjoy the time at home with your baby!

straighttalk3646

My H just brought something to my attention that could be the reason for all this. My son is the first baby on both sides of our family. First grand-baby ever, and very few people on his side have ever seen him. I wonder if she is afraid that the new baby will steal her day? I don't think he would, but I can understand the fear of that happening. Hm, well it is what it is. 

AutumnFair

OP it could be a possibility but the Bride is a jealous immature b**ch to think an innocent child needs to be left because it would steal her attention. You are being a much bigger person because I would be declining when she backed out on paying for the $300 dress SHE chose, but I really hate when people back out of their word. Personally, the only person who is in the wrong is her and really she needs to be put in her place by someone. The only person causing a rift is her and her selfish behavior.

jaimed99

Straight, I give you serious respect for wanting to be the bigger person and back out gracefully...as a mother of two, I would feel the same as you.

As PPs said, I would have backed out when I was told that the dress was $300...in this economy, it's just not feasible for most people, especially when budgets were not asked for in advance. Not only that, being told I would have to buy ANOTHER dress would have just made me see red.

I'm just waiting for this bride to come on, whining because her FI's SIL backed out because her baby was more important than the bride's speshul day...

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_gracefully-back-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:995b739e-1487-4567-bb50-71b2fc8ccfa4Post:0b9404f2-eb21-4e1f-afb0-02efa452c937">Re: How do I gracefully back out??</a>:
[QUOTE]My H just brought something to my attention that could be the reason for all this. My son is the first baby on both sides of our family. First grand-baby ever, and very few people on his side have ever seen him. I wonder if she is afraid that the new baby will steal her day? I don't think he would, but I can understand the fear of that happening. Hm, well it is what it is. 
Posted by straighttalk3646[/QUOTE]


if this is her problem/jealousy issue, then she needs to get over herself and grow up. I always say people like that have their day coming.

And babies and kids never ruin weddings. It is the adults that do it if it happens at all. Our little cousins were some of the best parts and pictures from our wedding when they were up dancing and doing their own thing. They never bothered a soul.

SSaltzman87

I think you're handling it pretty well despite all the grenades she's throwing at you. Her behavior is completely disgusting no matter what universe you're in. If I acted like that, my parents would slap me! Also, $300 is ridiculous for a bridesmaid dress.

I'm also glad that your ILs have your back on this. As far as backing out gracefully, I agree with PPs in calmly saying you're declining her offer.

I too highly doubt anyone would think you're the looney toon in this situation since you're handling yourself like an adult.

LoveMuffins

You're definitely on the side of right, and you're already handling this pretty gracefully. I think that a PP recommended telling her that you just can't leave your son alone for that amount of time. Nursing infants are ALWAYS the exception to the rule, and if they aren't allowed then it is generally understood why the mother isn't there as well (as well as everyone whispering about what a bridezilla the bride is). Since your Hubby and In-Laws obviously support you, don't worry about causing a rift. Just continue to handle it gracefuly, demurely inform the bride that you're sorry but you have to step down, ask if the baby-sitting is still available so that you can attend the ceremony, and if not then don't go at all. No one is going to blame YOU as long as step quietly aside and don't make a scene about having to do so. Your behavior will just shine even more so when placed next to Bridezilla's. 

MairePoppy

You should just tell her you won't be able to attend without your son. Don't worry about causing a rift. It sounds like everyone has figured out that FSIL is beign ridiculous.

Didn't anyone object to buying a second bm dress? Or are you the only one that got stuck. It seems strange to me that no one stood up to her on that.

chuygrl77

This sounds like the backside to a post on my wedding month board.  How odd! 

http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_march-2011-weddings

Yeah, breastfeeding should be the exception to the rule and poor girl...I hope when reality hits her that the world doesn't revolve around her that it knocks her out cold!  I would never dream of a day where my family was celebrating (biological family and new ILs) where my nieces and nephews weren't there with us.

bdulli13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_gracefully-back-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:995b739e-1487-4567-bb50-71b2fc8ccfa4Post:82a0dc9a-4a22-41b9-a2b9-cc5f5d05a2f6">Re: How do I gracefully back out??</a>:
[QUOTE]This sounds like the backside to a post on my wedding month board.  How odd!  <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_march-2011-weddings" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_march-2011-weddings</a> Yeah, breastfeeding should be the exception to the rule and poor girl...I hope when reality hits her that the world doesn't revolve around her that it knocks her out cold!  I<strong> would never dream of a day where my family was celebrating (biological family and new ILs) where my nieces and nephews weren't there with us.
</strong>Posted by chuygrl77[/QUOTE]

While I do agree with you for my own personal wedding, there is nothing wrong with having an adult only party or wedding. It's part of life-- socializing with grown ups, without your kids. BUT, that doesn't mean the people with the children have to attend if they don't want to, and babies who are still nursing/very young are always the exception to that rule, especially when it is family. That said, the host has to be prepared for people to not attend because she is setting those kind of rules.

bdulli13

And, FWIW OP, I highly doubt you will be the only person to decline her invitation because of the no children rule.

chuygrl77

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_gracefully-back-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:995b739e-1487-4567-bb50-71b2fc8ccfa4Post:f78fe193-ebe3-47f0-872e-033dba28123d">Re: How do I gracefully back out??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I gracefully back out?? : While I do agree with you for my own personal wedding, there is nothing wrong with having an adult only party or wedding. It's part of life-- socializing with grown ups, without your kids. BUT, that doesn't mean the people with the children have to attend if they don't want to, and babies who are still nursing/very young are always the exception to that rule, especially when it is family. That said, the host has to be prepared for people to not attend because she is setting those kind of rules.
Posted by bdulli13[/QUOTE]

Agreed...i was thinking of my own personal wedding and not weddings in general.  Everyone has a choice and OP should not be afraid to use it.

Good luck with this situation.

bdulli13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_gracefully-back-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:995b739e-1487-4567-bb50-71b2fc8ccfa4Post:833ce80b-f964-457c-8c4d-fd3100b11557">Re: How do I gracefully back out??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I gracefully back out?? : Actually, I disagree with you encouraging this.  DH is usually the first one to tell me (as sweetly as possible) when I'm showing my ass, and I love him the more for it (though maybe not at that exact moment). The problem is the bride, but it is being made worse by those closest to her not speaking up and telling her that spoiled brat behavior is unacceptable.  Someone needs to intervene, in a serious way.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Good call, Stage. Actually, it would probably be best coming from him. He loves her and she loves him. It is his family she is snubbing. And, his wedding also. A gentle but firm conversation may make her "see the light". Personally, I would hate to look back and find everyone thought I was being a witch. Maybe he could be her voice of reason.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_gracefully-back-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:995b739e-1487-4567-bb50-71b2fc8ccfa4Post:833ce80b-f964-457c-8c4d-fd3100b11557">Re: How do I gracefully back out??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I gracefully back out?? : Actually, I disagree with you encouraging this.  DH is usually the first one to tell me (as sweetly as possible) when I'm showing my ass, and I love him the more for it (though maybe not at that exact moment). The problem is the bride, but it is being made worse by those closest to her not speaking up and telling her that spoiled brat behavior is unacceptable.  Someone needs to intervene, in a serious way.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
I second this. If your life partner can't tell you when you're being a total b****, who can?

mkrupar

Ditto Stage. All he's doing is enabling her bad behavior. If I was being a complete a** you better believe I would be told about it. If he doesn't agree with her behavior he needs to tell her. Otherwise he'll be dealing with her ridiculousness for the rest of his life.

DNAtime

I ditto stage and lalap. I think your BIL should be the voice of reason if your FSIL is going over board. 
It sounds like the ILs as a whole are on your side, so call FSIL asap and explain that you will not attend, and thank you for the invite to be in the WP.  Maybe it will get her to change her mind? Maybe not but  I wouldn't lose a lot of sleep over it.

bablingbrooke

OP, I think you're taking the high road and doing the best you can under the circumstances.  It's difficult to stay mature under circumstances like this, and I tip my hat to you for doing so.  Stay the course and best of luck.  Come back and post an update to let us know how it goes.