What to do next?

mRosenberg

sorry

MyNameIsNot

I don't see how you are defending your FI.  It sounds like she's making a huge effort to avoid the topic, because she knows you know how she feels.  

If you don't want to have this conversation about how she feels, you can continue not talking to her about anything wedding/marriage related.  But you can't expect her to put aside her feelings, especially if you are alluding that they are legitimate, and get excited about your wedding if she thinks it's a mistake.  

baystateapple

One of my friends from college got engaged to her FI after dating him on again-off again for six years.  During those six years, they BOTH cheated on each other multiple times (with each others' best friends, I might add), fought constantly, and pretty much put each other through hell. 

When she got engaged and asked my opinion on the whole thing, I told her I didn't approve of the marriage and she said that was fine, I didn't have to.  I had said my piece, so I let it go.  It never came up again.  It's your decision who you marry.  She does have a right to her opinion, but if she can't get it out of her system and zip her lips, maybe it's time to end the friendship.

CTGirl30

Sounds like she's made up her mind as far as her opinion of him goes. Whatever happened was obviously enough for her to decide she wanted nothing further to do with hearing about your relationship and now, upcoming marriage plans.

You acknowledge that you can see where she's coming from....so maybe she might have some legitimate concerns?  If you don't think so and you're determined to forge ahead with the engagement and wedding plans than do so, but just know you can't expect your friend to feign excitement for something she thinks is a mistake.

Down the line, unless she comes around and can accept that you're marrying this person, it seems like your friendship is going to suffer for it if you guys can't find a way to still be friends w.o the giant elephant in the room....I'd recommend you at least talk about it, though and see if you can't find a way to salvage your friendship.

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_next?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:99a785c5-a012-4f90-a0fb-83378c48f7d8Post:ec658d0c-4fbb-4cf5-9fac-aaad3a8de63e">Re: What to do next?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I have a hard time really explaining this situation properly. I would be willing to have the conversation with her if I thought it would be productive. <strong>Maybe that is where my fault lies in this problem, I am not willing to give her the chance to voice her concerns. I guess I assumed that if she felt her concerns were great enough to just not talk to me at all then they would be great enough to be voiced without prompting from me?</strong> I never have ignored her when she wanted to talk about a subject that wasn't easy to talk about. 
Posted by mRosenberg[/QUOTE]

Or could it be that you're using that as an excuse since you might not want to hear her concerns? (Maybe you recognize some truth in them and you wish you didn't?)
She's avoiding the discussion with you b/c clearly you are deadset on marrying this guy and she probably feels like you wouldn't want to hear her out on her concerns. Not that that's even an easy topic to broach with a friend. Think about it. Would you be willing to make the first move in a situation like this if the shoe were on the other foot?

banana468

Can you have a heart to heart with her? 

emilyinchile

Maybe she's not talking to you about it because she realizes that while she may disapprove, this is your decision, and she doesn't see the point in having a conversation about it since you're not going to see eye-to-eye.

It's a shame that your best friend isn't excited for you, but honestly, oh well. Plenty of people's best friends who do like their FIs aren't excited because they're wrapped up in their own lives or just aren't into weddings. It was immature of her to totally clam up when you responded to her question about the guest list, and I don't think you have to totally avoid the topic in a situation like that, but in general just don't talk to her about your wedding or your FI.

You don't need to choose your WP yet (wait a few more months!), but when the time comes, you'll have to decide whether or not this is an issue on that front. Other than that, I don't think you need to DO anything.

Also, it's weird that she hates your FI so much because you and he exchanged drunken harsh words once. Either she's crazy, there's more to the story, or both.

mRosenberg

I certainly am willing to have a hear to heart with her. I am not afraid as to what she has to say, I am very comfortable in my relationship and I would have never said yes to getting engaged if I didn't feel it in my heart 100%. 

I just needed to hear other people's opinions on this. At this point everyone in my life that I have talked to about this thinks that I should just move on and not try to work it out. I just needed the advice of people removed from the situation. 

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]I certainly am willing to have a hear to heart with her. I am not afraid as to what she has to say, I am very comfortable in my relationship and I would have never said yes to getting engaged if I didn't feel it in my heart 100%.  I just needed to hear other people's opinions on this. At this point everyone in my life that I have talked to about this thinks that I should just move on and not try to work it out. I just needed the advice of people removed from the situation. 
Posted by mRosenberg[/QUOTE]
Have the heart to heart and go from there.  If she has a major concern you're not aware of, she might think you already know and don't care, that it's not her place, or could just have a hard time bringing up the subject.  Or she could just be holding an old, silly grudge.  You won't know until you talk to her.

banana468

Ditto Gotta.

I think the heart to heart to see what's going on may be in order.  They're not always fun but they can work out well in the end.

I had a rather tearful one with my MOH before DH proposed because DH and I had a rocky start.  But I'm glad we had that conversation and she's been very supportive since.

suz62984

Ditto. Heart to heart is a good idea. If she can't let things go from there and continues to shut you out when anything wedding or FI related come up then I would just let her go as a friend. It sounds like the FI issue has come between you two and I don't suspect it is going to get any better once he becomes your husband, unless she let's it go of course.

charlotte1819

I agree with everyone else that you need a heart to heart with her. It can be easy enough to avoid the topic of a wedding or FI but what will happen to your friendship when he is your husband, and it certainly can't be avoided when you have a child. I would guess either something else happened that night that you don't remember, something else happened at a different time, she is jealous, or she grew up sheltered and never experienced a couple fighting and able to make up

hugz415

I can somewhat relate to your problem.  One of the biggest lessons I have ever learned about being in a relationship is that when you share information about fights and problems - you may make up with your fiance/boyfriend/husband but the person you went running to in the moment may not forget all the nasty details.  I had a bad habit of running to my sister everytime we had a fight, and over time it changed the way she looked at him.  We worked it out and now they are very close, but it took me sitting down with her and basically apologizing for dragging her into our business.  So if you want to salvage the friendship and get her to a place where she can be happy for you (geniuinely - you cant really want her to "fake it"!)  you have to sit down with her and talk about it.   Explain why you have forgiven him for whatever he said/did.  She should find it in her heart to forgive him - we have all said and did things we regretted after a few too many cocktails.  If she still won't come around, I don't think I would want her in my wedding.  The day is a celebration of your relationship and someone who has negative feelings about it doesn't belong there.