I'm the MOH and I need advice!!!

earemen

Okay so this I'm in a little bit of a predicament and it's a bit of a long story so please bare with me.  To start I was asked to be the MOH for a girl that I am friends with, but we are not super close.  I am actually great friends with the groom and met her through him.  She never calls me to hang out with just her, but we end up seeing each other quite a bit because of the groom.  So that's just a little bit of background of our relationship.  Now, I am very aware of my responsibilities and I am happy to do them because I am such good friends with the groom, and I truly like both of them.  Well, when I was asked to be in the wedding party I was told who all the groomsmen were and was happy to join in on the festivities.  Recently, they both told me that they want to kick a groomsman out of their wedding party because he hasn't talked to them in a month and they want to replace him with a guy that I have an extremely bad past with.  I use to be best friends with this guy growing up, and in the past couple years he basically became very manipulative towards me, and in the end tried to break up my marriage.  He has done such horrible things to me in the past that i have not spoken to him or seen him in a year and a half.  I am very uncomfortable being around him.  My husband is also very uncomfortable being around him, and my husband is also in the wedding party. So the bride and groom asked my advice about kicking out the groomsman and replacing him with the guy that i don't like,and all I have told them is if they kick out the groomsman to be prepared to lose him as a friend, and if they ask this guy to be in the wedding to be prepared for what comes that.  I also said, if this guy ends up in the wedding I would like to talk with him before their big day, because I do not want to cause any conflict that day. Once I said this they both got very defensive and basically started blaming me for the reason why he wasn't asked to be in the wedding in the first place. I do not want to be blamed for them making a mistake with their choices for a wedding party and i don't think its fair to put that burden on me. Also, I have been told by a close friend that the bride was telling her about how selfish i am being and how its her day and i have to just deal with it. It really hurt my feelings that she couldn't talk to me about it and had to go behind my back.  This is the brides character because she does not like confrontation.  So with all this said, I would just like advice on how to deal with this situation. I do not want to be put in a situation where I am uncomfortable, but I do not want to be a burden on them either.  I really want to be a part of their wedding, but am not sure if it's really a good idea at this point.  Please help! 

tpender13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-moh-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9b4d82b2-0e00-46a0-ae72-d7a678df4cd0Post:bf0620bc-ebe1-4115-a004-0ff02a1aaea6">I'm the MOH and I need advice!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay so this I'm in a little bit of a predicament and it's a bit of a long story so please bare with me.  To start I was asked to be the MOH for a girl that I am friends with, but we are not super close.  I am actually great friends with the groom and met her through him.  She never calls me to hang out with just her, but we end up seeing each other quite a bit because of the groom.  So that's just a little bit of background of our relationship. 

Now, I am very aware of my responsibilities and I am happy to do them because I am such good friends with the groom, and I truly like both of them.  Well, when I was asked to be in the wedding party I was told who all the groomsmen were and was happy to join in on the festivities.  Recently, they both told me that they want to kick a groomsman out of their wedding party because he hasn't talked to them in a month and they want to replace him with a guy that I have an extremely bad past with.

 I use to be best friends with this guy growing up, and in the past couple years he basically became very manipulative towards me, and in the end tried to break up my marriage.  He has done such horrible things to me in the past that i have not spoken to him or seen him in a year and a half.  I am very uncomfortable being around him.  My husband is also very uncomfortable being around him, and my husband is also in the wedding party.

So the bride and groom asked my advice about kicking out the groomsman and replacing him with the guy that i don't like,and all I have told them is if they kick out the groomsman to be prepared to lose him as a friend, and if they ask this guy to be in the wedding to be prepared for what comes that.  I also said, if this guy ends up in the wedding I would like to talk with him before their big day, because I do not want to cause any conflict that day.

Once I said this they both got very defensive and basically started blaming me for the reason why he wasn't asked to be in the wedding in the first place. I do not want to be blamed for them making a mistake with their choices for a wedding party and i don't think its fair to put that burden on me. Also, I have been told by a close friend that the bride was telling her about how selfish i am being and how its her day and i have to just deal with it. It really hurt my feelings that she couldn't talk to me about it and had to go behind my back.  This is the brides character because she does not like confrontation. 

So with all this said, I would just like advice on how to deal with this situation. I do not want to be put in a situation where I am uncomfortable, but I do not want to be a burden on them either.  I really want to be a part of their wedding, but am not sure if it's really a good idea at this point.  Please help! 
Posted by earemen[/QUOTE]

With a post this long, paragraphs make it much easier to understand.

Cliff's Notes: OP is friends w/the groom, and friendly with the bride only through him. She was asked to be MOH, and agreed. B and G want to kick out a GM and replace him with someone the OP has a bad past with. When the couple asked her advice, she said that kicking out original GM is a friendship-ending move and if they were going to replace him with the other guy, she'd like a heads up so she can clear the air with him before their wedding.

OP, I think you responded pretty well in this situation. I'm not sure what else you can really do, other than maybe proactively clearing the air with this other guy anyway. I don't see how that could hurt the situation.

mbcdefg

It's crappy of them to kick someone out and use another friend as a replacement. 

All you had to say to the bride was, "Groomsman and I are adults. We know how to handle ourselves and act civily. Don't worry about anything." You didn't need to propose a meeting between you and the groomsman, or explain why you guys don't like each other.

If you didn't hear the gossip straight from the bride's mouth, then don't confront her on it. I also have to question why a supposedly "close friend" would come tattling to you about bad things being said about you. As a close friend, and as an ADULT, she should've kept her mouth shut. Just tell her, "Please don't get me involved in gossip" and then change the subject.

OBX2011

1) Paragraphs are your friend

2)  This is THEIR wedding, not yours.  You don't get to make any of the decisions.  Buy a dress, show up and stand there to witness their vowels.

3)  You, your husband and the possible new GM need to realize that THIS is not about YOU...at all.  You are all adults so act like it and be there for your friends on their wedding day.

4)  The B&G are awful for kicking someone b/c they haven't spoken to him in awhile.  He has his own life and it does not revolve around their wedding.  They are equally as awful for replacing him.  That's like saying "hey, you weren't our 1st choice, but he didn't work out so now we need you to take his place"

earemen

Sorry about the no paragraph thing. ha!  I really got on a role there, and didn't even notice.  My bad   Thanks for the input so far, it's nice to hear from people who are not close to the situation.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-moh-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9b4d82b2-0e00-46a0-ae72-d7a678df4cd0Post:d1fa8e8a-934e-46eb-bc7f-24da091a18fb">Re: I'm the MOH and I need advice!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]1) Paragraphs are your friend 2)  This is THEIR wedding, not yours.  You don't get to make any of the decisions.  Buy a dress, show up and stand there to witness their vowels. <strong>3)  You, your husband and the possible new GM need to realize that THIS is not about YOU...at all.  You are all adults so act like it and be there for your friends on their wedding day.</strong> 4)  The B&G are awful for kicking someone b/c they haven't spoken to him in awhile.  He has his own life and it does not revolve around their wedding.  They are equally as awful for replacing him.  That's like saying "hey, you weren't our 1st choice, but he didn't work out so now we need you to take his place"
Posted by OBX2011[/QUOTE]

This.  Even if the GM is acting like a huge d*ck do not do anything.  Let him make an a$$ of himself and you and your husband act like the mature adults that I am sure you both are.  I personally wouldn't even give this guy a second thought, especially since he is out of your life and just because he may be in the same wedding as you does not mean you even have to speak with him before or on the day of the wedding.

mbody

I agree that the B & G shouldn't kick anyone out of the WP or have any replacements but it's their choice so just don't say anything about that. You will only get comments from the B & G like "it's our wedding yada yada" because they obviously don't see anything wrong with it in the first place. 

If you want to have a sit-down chat with the new GM, then fine do so, but don't involve the B & G in that. There really isn't much need for you to communicate with the guy anyways. Moving forward, I would just buy the dress, show up at the given time, and smile.

jemmini6

I think you were correct to warn them about the reprocussions of kicking out a groomsman, especially since they solicited your advice on the matter. 

As for them replacing him with the other friend, they are correct that it's their wedding and they should have who they want, regardless of how you feel about it.  You are all adults and can presumably act that way for one day. (even though they shouldn't be kicking out and replacing anyone to begin with).

StephanieM22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-moh-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9b4d82b2-0e00-46a0-ae72-d7a678df4cd0Post:40338046-945e-48be-a583-4cb6785677ba">Re: I'm the MOH and I need advice!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you were correct to warn them about the reprocussions of kicking out a groomsman, especially since they solicited your advice on the matter.  As for them replacing him with the other friend, they are correct that it's their wedding and they should have who they want, regardless of how you feel about it.  You are all adults and can presumably act that way for one day. (even though they shouldn't be kicking out and replacing anyone to begin with).
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

<div>THIS</div>

kaitlyn&henry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-moh-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9b4d82b2-0e00-46a0-ae72-d7a678df4cd0Post:40338046-945e-48be-a583-4cb6785677ba">Re: I'm the MOH and I need advice!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you were correct to warn them about the reprocussions of kicking out a groomsman, especially since they solicited your advice on the matter.  As for them replacing him with the other friend, they are correct that it's their wedding and they should have who they want, regardless of how you feel about it.  You are all adults and can presumably act that way for one day. (even though they shouldn't be kicking out and replacing anyone to begin with).
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]
I vote this as well!!

They shouldnt be kicking people out and replacing, but its their business and their wedding...so w/e problem you have with this new GM take it up with him and dont involve the bride or groom.

bvanosten

I wouldn't worry about any of it if I were you.  Unfortunately, it sounds like they are fair-weather friends who aren't concerned with hurting people's feelings.  If you stay in the wedding, just do your best to avoid the situation (don't sit with him at rehearsal dinner, etc.).  Hopefully, this guy isn't going to be the best man since they are already replacing him.  That means, you won't be partnered up with him for pictures, aisle walking, etc.  If the bride is already talking smack, I wonder how long it will be before they ask you to step aside too.  Put off buying your dress until this situation is resolved.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-moh-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9b4d82b2-0e00-46a0-ae72-d7a678df4cd0Post:6a1a00e4-39e6-4261-820e-b351221a1c29">Re: I'm the MOH and I need advice!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd drop out of a wedding with this kind of couple.  Anybody who starts playing the "My day" card is not someone to remain friends with, nor are people who think they can "replace" friends.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

This is something to consider. What if the bride wakes up one day, realizes you aren't that close so she wants to pick a different MOH and boots <em>you</em> out?

thousandtrees

1) I'm inclined to agree with RetreadBride and zitiqueen - I would be a little bit uncomfortable staying in the wedding party after a conversation like that, especially since I get the impression that you maybe aren't all that comfortable with the MOH role. It's something to consider and maybe talk over with someone who knows you and gets your feelings, but isn't connected to the wedding party (your mom, something like that), that might be able to give you an observer's perspective. I wouldn't discuss it with anyone in the wedding party; I think it would be perceived as drama-mongering.

2) If you stay in the wedding party, make sure that if there is drama, it doesn't come from you! As a previous poster mentioned, the new GM can make a butt of himself all he wants, but you can serenely ignore any antics without treating him badly. Unconditional good manners can go a long way in this kind of situation.

frogger6673

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-moh-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9b4d82b2-0e00-46a0-ae72-d7a678df4cd0Post:1cbd9805-4ff2-4fa0-b432-ed4e1712318a">Re: I'm the MOH and I need advice!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]1) I'm inclined to agree with RetreadBride and zitiqueen - I would be a little bit uncomfortable staying in the wedding party after a conversation like that, especially since I get the impression that you maybe aren't all that comfortable with the MOH role. It's something to consider and maybe talk over with someone who knows you and gets your feelings, but isn't connected to the wedding party (your mom, something like that), that might be able to give you an observer's perspective. I wouldn't discuss it with anyone in the wedding party; I think it would be perceived as drama-mongering. 2) If you stay in the wedding party, make sure that if there is drama, it doesn't come from you! As a previous poster mentioned, the new GM can make a butt of himself all he wants, but you can serenely ignore any antics without treating him badly. Unconditional good manners can go a long way in this kind of situation.
Posted by thousandtrees[/QUOTE]

All of this.

gananoque

Hmmm... No wonder this chick has no real female friends to ask to be her MOH and had to borrow one of her fiance's friends. She sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

That said, being a MOH is not really THAT huge a responsibility.

You say you want to be a part of the wedding. I'd just buy the dress and show up.

If things grow progressively awkward between you and the bride I think you're within your rights to ask her what's up. Just say, "Things have felt awkward between us ever since that conversation. Are you upset with me?" Then you can talk it out in the open rather than having to go through third parties, etc.

In the end, it will be one day of your life and I'm sure you'll make it through. I hope that your marriage is happy and secure enough that this random dude, no matter how much of an a-hole he is, cannot jeopardize your relationship. Yeah, you'll be in the same room together and you might be standing up close to one another during the ceremony, but it's not like you're really going to have to spend any time with him. I'm sure you can get past it all for this one evening.