Bridesmaid duties?

erinkathleen512

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the site and wondering what people's varying opinions are on what the bridesmaids are to do throughout the planning of the wedding. I didn't want them to have to contribute to my bridal shower (in terms of the shower venue, food, drinks, etc), but it looks like that is what my mom has in mind. I have been a bridesmaid five times. I had to contribute to the shower three times, andthe other two times it was taken care of. But those last two times, the brides had a big house where they could host an occasion and not worry about paying for a venue. I don't have that option. My mom said she was thinking of having the shower somewhere, and paying half and having the 7 bridesmaids split the remaining. Brides out there, is this what you did? Did your bridesmaids throw you a shower?

Also, what do you think is considered normal for other bridesmaid duties, and what is crossing the line? A few weddings I was in, I helped with making save-the-dates and favors (but hated it). For other weddings, I just I got my dress and alterations, went in on a gift from the bridesmaids, helped plan the bachelorette party, and was there for rehearsal and obviously the wedding day. Thoughts? Whta is reasonable to ask of your bridesmaids?

marissa_claire

To answer your first question, if your mother is planning on hosting a shower for you - she needs to do it herself.  If she plans on asking for help from your bridesmaids, then they need to assist her in the planning.  There is no "I'll do all the planning without taking your budget into consideration and then ask you to send a check."  If she wants to host, then the price tag comes with it.

The bare minimum for bridesmaids, and all you really expect of them, is to get the dress and show up to the wedding.  It should be an honor to be a bridesmaid - not a job.  You're not hiring them to do wedding planning.  I think it's okay if you need help on things and ask for help, but if they're busy please don't come back here and complain that they can't stop their lives for you.  You should ask your FI for help if you need it.  

Lastly, the parties (showers, bach parties, engagement parties) are thrown in your honor.  That means you can't plan them and you don't get much say in them.  You can assist in creating the guestlist, but that's about it.  If your friends don't offer to throw a bach party for you, you just don't get one.  

Good luck - and I honestly do appreciate that you came to ask for advice on all of this rather than assuming and coming back here later complaining that no one is doing enough for you.  

mbcdefg

You have zero say in the shower or the bachelorette party plans (unless someone asks you for a list of suitable dates, a guest list, and/or ideas for what to do or where to do). These are parties thrown in your honor, so it's VERY inappropriate for you to assign people to throw them for you, comment on who should/should not pay, etc. What you need to do in this situation is keep your mouth shut unless someone specifically asks you a question. Otherwise, sit back and see what you may (or may not) receive, and be gracious no matter what happens.

It's not appropriate for your mother to just announce that the bridesmaids should pay half. What she SHOULD do is touch base with them and ask (a) if they want to contribute, and (b) if so, what they want to contribute (a specific dollar amount, or if they would rather pitch in in non-financial ways, like making food or offering up a house for the location or addressing the invitations).

There's no rule on who should host, plan or pay for a shower. Especially since a shower is an optional event. In some circles, the bridesmaids do everything. Some circles, it's Mom, FMIL, aunts, etc. Some circles, it's split between BMs and family. Some brides don't get a shower at all.

But the main thing with a shower is that whoever is planning it needs to be upfront, honest and fair with everyone she's asking for money. It is never acceptable for a mother, MOH, etc., to just plan things and say to other people, "Your share is $x, cough it up." Or for the hostess to say, "We will split it and you must pay $x or you must do XYZ." The hostess needs to ASK the other participants what, if anything, they want to contribute. Not TELL them what they will be contributing.

The bridesmaids are not obligated to do anything other than get their dresses and participate in the wedding ceremony. Those are their only "duties."

Beyond that, it's entirely their call. They can offer to organize a shower or bachelorette, they can offer to help you with the plans, or they can just say, "I'll get the dress and see you at the wedding."

As for what is reasonable for you to ask of them: It's mandatory that you ask them for their dress budgets (privately and individually) BEFORE you pick out their dress. And it's reasonable of you to politely ask them for help once in a while, but don't go nuts. And be understanding if they can't, or don't want to, help. Some people may be busy, and for other people wedding planning just isn't that much fun. You can help make it fun by treating them to some pizza while you stuff envelopes, or going out to lunch or a movie if they come dress shopping with you, for example.

It sounds like you've been forced into some un-fun stuff as a bridesmaid in the past, right? So the key here is not to force or guilt them into anything, and to remember that they are not your servants during your engagement. Make any help optional, don't demand money from them, and always treat them as your FRIENDS (not bridesmaids) first and foremost, and hopefully you will not have a problem.

To answer your question, I had no input on my shower other than providing MOH with a guest list. I found out after the fact that my mother had planned and paid for it, and my two bridesmaids had helped make some food and set things up. Cleanup was me, Mom, the bridesmaids and a few of my mother's friends. Mom and the two BMs did not chip in for a gift, they each gave me a separate gift. I don't have a MIL, but MH's cousin called my mom and offered to bring the bridal shower cake so that their family could contribute.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9b6f549f-fce1-49c4-ac4e-de7d997cbdf6Post:989c508c-5db7-465b-9e9f-961a3d7e33a4">Bridesmaid duties?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, I'm new to the site and wondering what people's varying opinions are on what the bridesmaids are to do throughout the planning of the wedding. I didn't want them to have to contribute to my bridal shower (in terms of the shower venue, food, drinks, etc), but it looks like that is what my mom has in mind. I have been a bridesmaid five times. I had to contribute to the shower three times, andthe other two times it was taken care of. But those last two times, the brides had a big house where they could host an occasion and not worry about paying for a venue. I don't have that option. My mom said she was thinking of having the shower somewhere, and paying half and having the 7 bridesmaids split the remaining. Brides out there, is this what you did? Did your bridesmaids throw you a shower? Also, what do you think is considered normal for other bridesmaid duties, and what is crossing the line? A few weddings I was in, I helped with making save-the-dates and favors (but hated it). For other weddings, I just I got my dress and alterations, went in on a gift from the bridesmaids, helped plan the bachelorette party, and was there for rehearsal and obviously the wedding day. Thoughts? Whta is reasonable to ask of your bridesmaids?
Posted by erinkathleen512[/QUOTE]

Its not right for your mom to ask them to contribute.  She can mention she is hosting the shower, and they can offer to help, but she shouldn't ask them for money without them offering. 

Ditto PP's about the only requirements being to buy the dress and show up clean and sober.  Anything else they offer to help with is nice and should be appreciated.  My BMs told me they would help with whatever I wanted.  A few times when we were doing invites or my mom was addressing shower invites, I sent a text out saying "we will be putting together invites at my place at 7.  Plenty of snacks and wine provided if you want to join."  And i didn't hold it against anyone if they didn't come.

bablingbrooke

If mom wants to throw the shower, she can't demand that the BMs pay for it.  The hostess(es) pay for the shower.  If the BMs are expected to pay, they need to 1) agree to do so ahead of time, and 2) be given a say in how their money is spent.  My aunts threw my shower and paid for everything.

You have an obligation to get their budgets on dresses before looking for them; if the lowest price point you get is $150, you need to search for dresses that cost $150 or less, or pay the difference if you MUST have one that's more expensive.  The only things that BMs are required to do are buy the dress and arrive clean and sober to the wedding.  Now, it's totally fine to ask for help with planning, etc. but they are just as free to decline to help.  The planning is yours and your FI's to do.  It's fine to say, "Hey I'm stuffing invites and ordering pizza--anyone want to come help?"  It's not fine to demand that they do it and make them feel guilty for not coming.  See the difference?

BMs should be allowed to wear their own shoes and jewelry and other accessories; if you require specific ones, it's only fair that you pay.  Same for professional hair and makeup, manis and pedis, etc.--you don't have to pay for them if you leave it optional, but if you require it, again, it's only fair that you pay.

Pre-wedding parties are gifts to you and BMs aren't obligated to throw them.  Most will of their own volition, but you need to let them take the lead.  Keep in mind that the vast majority of people won't start planning said events until about 3 months before the wedding, if not later.  

Finally, many of us on this board have found through personal experience that the less you REQUIRE of your WP, the more they will want to do for you.  If it becomes a chore, they'll do the bare minimum.  But if you respect them and treat them like friends, they'll want to make this special for you.  Be a good friend, get good friends in return.  Good luck!

aerinpegadrak

It is not okay for your mom to just hand a bill to your bridesmaids without allowing them to have a say in the plans.  She can ask them if they want to contribute, find out their budget, and plan accordingly.  None of them are required to pitch in, it's an optional party.  And you need to stay out of it entirely.

I really don't think you should ask anything of your bridesmaids that you wouldn't ask of your friends under any other circumstances.  "Hey, I need you to address my mail for me" = not a normal request.  "Hey, want to come over and keep me company while I work on this project I've been avoiding?  We have pizza and beer." = normal request.  People don't like being told what to do, so I find that the less you ask of them, the more they're willing to do, and vice versa.  Anyone who genuinely wants to help you out will offer to do so unprompted.

erinkathleen512

Okay just to put this out there, I didn't come here with an attitude of "my bridesmaids should do everything." I don't want them to do a thing. In an ideal world, I would pay for their dresses and all they would have to do is show up. But I just wanted to know what, in today's world, bridesmaids tend to do. When I asked my friends to be my bridesmaids, each one of them asked what kind of shower I wanted, what dress they should get, and what kind of bachelorette party I was thinking about.

Overall, I hate the idea of my bridesmaids having to do anything, but was just asking what today's bridesmaids tend to do- realistically.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9b6f549f-fce1-49c4-ac4e-de7d997cbdf6Post:67e5bb9e-10d8-4b6d-8bf1-1155f13446ea">Re: Bridesmaid duties?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay just to put this out there, I didn't come here with an attitude of "my bridesmaids should do everything." I don't want them to do a thing. In an ideal world, I would pay for their dresses and all they would have to do is show up. But I just wanted to know what, in today's world, bridesmaids tend to do. When I asked my friends to be my bridesmaids, each one of them asked what kind of shower I wanted, what dress they should get, and what kind of bachelorette party I was thinking about. Overall, I hate the idea of my bridesmaids having to do anything, but was just asking what today's bridesmaids tend to do- realistically.
Posted by erinkathleen512[/QUOTE]

There's no black and white answer to this.  My MOH did everything with me because she was my aunt who lived next door, and we did everything together that was non wedding related too.  Then I had a BM who lived in another state, and I was touched that she drove in just for my shower and to get home for the RD.  I seriously told her she could show up right before the cermemony in the dress and I wouldn't care. 
Each BM is different.  Some want to help with everything, some want to do nothing.  My best advice is just to send a text or something like I said.  If they want to come, great.  If not, don't be mad at them. 

mbcdefg

I don't think anyone here is accusing you of coming here and saying, "My bridesmaids should do everything."

Rather, it's just the standard schpiel of, "Here's what they HAVE to do, and here's what they CAN do." It's nothing personally directed at you.

I think it's pretty clear from your first post that you know that being treated as a literal "maid" is no fun (like when you were talking about making favors and stuff), and that you don't want them forced into doing anything for your wedding. That's fine.

If anything, it seems like your mother is the one who is telling BMs what they need to do for your wedding (how you said that she's saying that they need to pay half of your shower), and that SHE is the one who needs to realize that BMs need to volunteer for these types of plans. Please correct me if I'm wrong, though.

bablingbrooke

I know that's what you were asking, which is why I answered as I did.  No one had a remotely accusatory attitude toward you.

erinkathleen512

Sorry to get defensive. I've just been so worked up all day over this conversation I had last night with my mom. Betewen this shower thing and another lovely conversation about the guest list (you can check my other post for that story if yu're interested- I'm just post-happy today I guess! http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_guest-list ), my anxiety is through the roof! And I'm not even anywhere near my wedding date! I just always wanted to be that awesome bride who made things as easy as possible for her bridesmaids and left them each saying, "That was fun!" I also have had more than one experience where the bridesmaid duties left me overwhelmed and confused. I always wondered if I was just not aware of what bridesmaids were expected to do, or if the brides I worked with were really asking a lot. But at the same time, my mom can really put her foot down over things. She goes by everything her friends say they did for their daughters' showers. I would rather not have a shower than have my bridesmaids pay for it. I know my mom wants me to have a lovely shower. She's probably just worried about how much it will cost since we don't know anyone with a house big enough to host it (which would keep the cost down a lot!).

I'm probably making her out to be this crazy person. She really is lovely. Just a rookie at this stuff.

aerinpegadrak

Just let your girls come to you.  It sounds like they're interested in being fairly involved, so if they're asking you "Hey, what do you want for this, what can I do?", it's perfectly fine for you to come up with something for them.  I also wanted to be laid-back and not overly demanding, but two of the girls in particular were practically BEGGING me to let them help, so I found things that I needed done.

There really isn't a hard and fast rule for what bridesmaids should or should not be doing, other than "Don't force people to do things that they don't want to do."  If they want to help, by all means, let them!  But if they don't want to help, don't make them.  That's what it really boils down to.

You can always send your mom here with any questions she has, we can help her out.

marissa_claire

Am I the only one thinking there should be a mega-pitch to all these bridal magazines with "the new bridesmaid"?  I feel like it only makes it worse that the Knot, Brides.com, etc. all have articles about bridesmaid duties.  Then girls get upset when people can't dump their 1-month old to stay through cake cutting.

EDIT:  Not directed at you, Erin.  You sound like a sweetie!

mbcdefg

My mom is the same way. My mom insisted on planning and hosting my shower ... which was awesome of her, don't get me wrong, but my mom is a VERY type A, my way or the highway, "I must be in charge at all times" person. My shower was probably ten times more complicated than it needed to be because my mom insisted on doing everything herself (food, decor, invites, setup and breakdown), rather than if my mom had just followed my sister/MOH and dad's suggestion of renting out a restaurant for the same exact cost.

The good news is, since brides don't plan the shower/bachelorette, this isn't really any of your concern. You can say, "Mom, I appreciate what you're offering to do. Please just be sure to include the bridesmaids in the plans, especially if you are asking them to pay." And then stay out of it.

If any of the bridesmaids come to you about a shower, or about your mom hosting, I would just remind them that they are absolutely entitled to input if they are paying for anything, and that they should not let your mom (or whoever hosts) steamroll them into forking over cash (especially an amount they're uncomfortable with) without getting to have a say in the plans.

LD1970

Your mother and my mother could be sisters.  With my sister's wedding 7 years ago, my mom planned her shower, and then just expected her bridesmaids (I was one of them and personally didn't mind the expense) to kick in equal money toward it... though in fairness, my mother probably paid the bulk of the amount.  Seven years ago, I didn't know the first thing about how this stuff should work and had always been a BM in weddings where I may have helped plan, but I was handed a bill for my share and had to pay.  So who knew that was wrong?

Now for mine, I'm fairly certain my mother did the same thing, though none of the issue was brought to me (the whole shower was a complete surprise) so I had no say in how things were handled, right or wrong.  I know it was probably pricey - in my mother's circles, showers are restaurant affairs, usually brunch, with champagne and cake and full meals.

So... yeah.

I have good BMs, though, who never once complained to me about it and I love them for whatever my mother may have put them through.

As for the rest, we picked the least expensive nice David's Bridal dress we could find, I told them to get whatever matching shoes were comfy for them (and gave them links to discount shoe sites to help), and that's that.

My sister/MOH came dress shopping with me and spearheaded the planning of my bach party.

One BM offered to help us make stuff - stuff invitations, put together programs, whatever.... but she lives 45 minutes away so I didn't even take her up on it.

And the other BM lives in NY so I left her alone except to chat as usual, and go to dinner one night to STOP thinking wedding for a while.

I really tried my best to keep it low key, which is sounds like you want to do.  I think you know what not to do.  Basically, if you need help and want to ask, that's fine.  Just don't expect or demand, and all will be well.

Muffin'sMom

MOB here....

My daughter had 3 in her bridal party...her two best friends and the Grooms sister.  Her two best friends are like my other children, and are also in their mid 20's, broke and living in little apartments.  I have a big home with a huge deck and a pool.  I also love to cook.  I offered them my place, and also to make whatever food they wanted.  They got the invites, sent them, handled the responses, planned the day, brought drinks, set up, cleaned up, and ran the party.  It was lovely, everyone had a wonderful time, and the food was awesome...if I do say so myself.

This worked out so well because I love and respect them and they love and respect me.  The bride was thrilled. 

erinkathleen512

Thanks MOB- it sounds like you respected the bridesmaids and they were grateful for it, and that helped with the whole feel of the wedding for everyone involved.

I wish we had a big house like yours! Sounds beauitful.