BM's gone crazy... (a bit long)

AlmostSt.Laurent

Ok, so I'm at a bit of a bind, and don't know what to do in my current situation.  I have 4 BM's and 1 MOH. One of the BM's lives across the country (literally I live on the east coast, and she lives on the west) so she's not really involved in this rant/situation.  Another one is 12 (my youngest cousin and isn't too involved with the bigger things) and also isn't involved in this. 
To preface:
My idea of what I expected from my BM's and MOH was they would help me with decisions, keep me from buying an ugly dress, and lend me some time helping with anything that may have to be done ahead of time (party favors, centerpieces, etc).  Now, two of the BM's have gone crazy with my mother and are planning the wedding without my consent.  They're calling flower places and the reception hall without me, limos, and things like this.  When I say something I want, they look at me like I'm crazy and say that I should do it another way.

The big incident that's drove me to wits end:
 My MOH and I were talking and she asked about my bridal shower. I said I didn't want one. I said I simply wanted to drink margaritas at my moms by the pool with my bridal party, and close family of mine and my fiancee's. This week, I found out that my mother and 2 BM's sent out invitations for a bridal party inviting 75 women (we're having a wedding of about 175 people) They invited everyone they could get addresses for including people from my fiancee's family that I've never met (great aunt, cousins, etc) AND a girl I don't even get along with but grew up with my fiancee.  They're spending so much money on it and are expecting my MOH to help pay.  Now, she's just graduating college, and has NO way of coming up with this money. These bridesmaids even complained to me when we went dress shopping that their dresses were $100, and I don't want to hear from them for the rest of my life how they spent so much money on my wedding. I don't know what to do, but I do know something should be done. I'm sorry this is so long, but any advice is greatly appreciated.

aliciadiane

I think you just need to sit down and have an honest discussion about your vision. You are obviously more low key and don't want all of their elaborate ideas. Be serious, honest, and to the point. Tell them it is your wedding and although you appreciate all that they want to do, it isn't for you. It is your day afterall! Good Luck!

emilyinchile

The first part is easy: ignore them. They can call vendors all they want, but they can't book anything for you. Try saying something like "you guys, I really appreciate your help, but honestly FI and I have a pretty good idea of what we want, so instead of spending your time calling people for me, why don't we go out for drinks?" If that doesn't get the point across, then fine, let them waste their time, and just smile, thank them for their help, and then do what you want.

The second part is tricky. If invitations have gone out, you can't change the guest list, but can you talk to your mom and/or BMs and explain that you REALLY just want something low key so that at least the vibe of the party is more in line with what you want? Also tell your MOH that since they apparently didn't consult her and are just presenting her with a bill after the fact, you support her in paying nothing or less than they're asking. Don't get involved directly, but if MOH knows you're "on her side" she might feel better about standing her ground.

mbcdefg

My idea of what I expected from my BM's and MOH was they would help me with decisions, keep me from buying an ugly dress, and lend me some time helping with anything that may have to be done ahead of time (party favors, centerpieces, etc). 

Please realize that the only "expectations" you should have of your bridal party is to get their outfits and show up to the wedding on time to stand with you. That is all they are obligated to do. Anything besides that is a nice bonus.

Now, two of the BM's have gone crazy with my mother and are planning the wedding without my consent.  They're calling flower places and the reception hall without me, limos, and things like this. 

Are they actually booking these things in your name? Or are they gathering information and giving it to you? If it's the former, then tell them to stop it. If it's the latter, then it sounds like they're just trying to help, so thank them for their help and tell them that you will consider their research. You don't have to book things that they've researched for you if you don't like them.

And since you said that you "expected" your BMs to help you, I am not sure what you're complaining about, if they are researching vendors for you. Did you only expect them to research the things that YOU would choose on your own? It doesn't work that way, hon. Everyone has different opinions, and people can't read your mind.

When I say something I want, they look at me like I'm crazy and say that I should do it another way.

So just say, "Thanks for your opinion, but FI and I have decided to do XYZ." Then change the subject or walk away.

Realize that, when you're planning a wedding, everyone you've ever met will suddenly have an opinion on how you should do it. It doesn't make them bad people and it doesn't mean that they're crazy. It means that they are trying to help, or that they're the types of people who think that their way is the best way. Learn to deal with it.

This week, I found out that my mother and 2 BM's sent out invitations for a bridal party inviting 75 women (we're having a wedding of about 175 people) They invited everyone they could get addresses for including people from my fiancee's family that I've never met (great aunt, cousins, etc) AND a girl I don't even get along with but grew up with my fiancee. 

I can understand being frustrated that they planned a party that you didn't want. But be gracious about it ... they cared enough about you to plan you a bridal shower. Some women are not lucky enough to get that. Accept it graciously and do not complain about it.

They're spending so much money on it and are expecting my MOH to help pay.  Now, she's just graduating college, and has NO way of coming up with this money.

If MOH was not involved with planning the shower, and if she didn't agree from the beginning to chip in, then she is not obligated to help pay for it. She can tell your mother and the two BMs that she is not in a position to help pay, and that she did not budget for it since she was not consulted in the beginning about it. End of story.

These bridesmaids even complained to me when we went dress shopping that their dresses were $100, and I don't want to hear from them for the rest of my life how they spent so much money on my wedding.

Did you ask them for their dress budgets before you picked the dress? If so, and they agreed to $100, then just remind them of that.

If not, then you owe them an apology. Ask them what they CAN afford to spend, and either look for a cheaper dress or chip in the difference yourself. If you are requiring them to buy specific shoes or jewelry, and/or are making them get professional hair and makeup done, then either pay for those things yourself or relax the requirements ... let them pick their own accessories, and allow them to do their own hair and makeup if they wish, or find their own stylists.


I don't know what to do, but I do know something should be done. I'm sorry this is so long, but any advice is greatly appreciated.

Learn to ignore certain things, stop complaining about someone being kind enough to throw you a shower, and either ignore the complaints or accommodate their budgets (depending on which scenario fits your situation).

suz62984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-gone-crazy-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9ee45c65-513e-4613-83ae-0a396b1e1728Post:82389b86-4c4c-4cda-81b2-4819aeb48a17">Re: BM's gone crazy... (a bit long)</a>:
[QUOTE]The first part is easy: ignore them. They can call vendors all they want, but they can't book anything for you. Try saying something like "you guys, I really appreciate your help, but honestly FI and I have a pretty good idea of what we want, so instead of spending your time calling people for me, why don't we go out for drinks?" If that doesn't get the point across, then fine, let them waste their time, and just smile, thank them for their help, and then do what you want.[/QUOTE]
 
I would also let my vendors know that no changes are to be made to my plans without my direct consent. This way your mother or BM can't call and change something little ...or big.

[QUOTE]The second part is tricky. If invitations have gone out, you can't change the guest list, but can you talk to your mom and/or BMs and explain that you REALLY just want something low key so that at least the vibe of the party is more in line with what you want? Also tell your MOH that since they apparently didn't consult her and are just presenting her with a bill after the fact, you support her in paying nothing or less than they're asking. Don't get involved directly, but if MOH knows you're "on her side" she might feel better about standing her ground.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Are you even inviting the girl you don't like to the wedding? I agree on letting the MOH know that you fully support her not paying for the shower, etc.

suz62984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-gone-crazy-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9ee45c65-513e-4613-83ae-0a396b1e1728Post:930071ae-ca37-4198-957f-f0991b415b26">Re: BM's gone crazy... (a bit long)</a>:
[QUOTE] These bridesmaids even complained to me when we went dress shopping that their dresses were $100, and I don't want to hear from them for the rest of my life how they spent so much money on my wedding. Did you ask them for their dress budgets before you picked the dress?  If not, then you owe them an apology. Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

I think she meant that they complained about a $100 dress but they are spending more than that on a shower she doesn't want.

mbcdefg

Thaat makes sense, Suz, but I am still wondering whether or not she asked their budgets. I think there's a big difference between being told you need to pay $100 for a dress that you may not like or wear again, versus voluntairly choosing to spend more than that on a party that you get to plan.

I agree that it's bullshiiit if they're complaining about a $100 dress but they're spending, say, $400 on a party ... but it's THEIR money, in the end.

AlmostSt.Laurent

Very true, about the bridal shower. I should be grateful that they cared to do it, and maybe I am being a bit of a baby about that. Didn't quite think of it in the way you presented it.

I did ask for their dress budgets, and the consensus (we were all at dinner when we discussed it) was nothing over $150. Like I said, I'm not expecting them to break the bank.

Speaking of expectations, you're right about what they SHOULD be. I guess I should say I more HOPED that they would do those things. Haha! If they told me no, or that they couldn't I wouldn't be upset, (not going to lie, I'd probably be hurt a little at first until I came around to this thought). You're right, anything else IS a bonus

They are calling places and ordering things without my consent. Things for the centerpieces, flowers for them, and calling the hall to choose tables (we have options of 2 different rectangular ones or circle ones). And, I do realize they're trying to help, but I don't think they realize that the fiancee and I have already made these decisions.

I have to say: very good advice from the other side, that I didn't originally see. I greatly appreciate it

aerinpegadrak

Are they ordering things on their dime, or yours?  If they're paying for things themselves from vendors you haven't talked to, then it's really their fault if you don't end up using it, since you didn't ask them to do that.  If they're talking to vendors you've already booked and making changes, you need to put a stop to that.  Call up all of your vendors ASAP and tell them that no one except you and your FI is authorized to make any changes or additions to the contract.

mbcdefg

I know it's frustrating to have people plan things for you that you don't want - I kept saying that I didn't want a bachelorette, but word on the street is that I'm getting noe - but when it's a party thrown in your honor, the best thing to do is to just suck it up and be gracious about it.

For the dress budgets, if they complain about the price again, just shrug and say, "You guys agreed from the beginning to $150 or less. I held my end of the bargain."

It's fine to be bummed if people don't offer their help or do what you're hoping they will. The problem comes if you "expect" it from them. 

If they're calling and booking things without your consent, then it's time for a talk with them. Explain that you appreciate their help, but you and FI need to be the ones who make these decisions. Tell them that you do NOT want them to book anything without talking to your first. Or make a deal where they can absolutely present you with their research, and you and FI will promise to consider it.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-gone-crazy-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9ee45c65-513e-4613-83ae-0a396b1e1728Post:3b78efd8-5e36-44b9-bce1-c404191c9a86">Re: BM's gone crazy... (a bit long)</a>:
[QUOTE]They are calling places and ordering things without my consent. Things for the centerpieces, flowers for them, and calling the hall to choose tables (we have options of 2 different rectangular ones or circle ones). And, I do realize they're trying to help, but I don't think they realize that the fiancee and I have already made these decisions. I have to say: very good advice from the other side, that I didn't originally see. I greatly appreciate it =)
Posted by AlmostSt.Laurent[/QUOTE]

Ok, that's a problem. I thought they were just getting quotes. As PPs have said, tell your vendors only you and FI have any say. And I would have a more serious conversation than what I originally suggested and flat out say "I know you guys are trying to help, but FI and I are very clear on what we want and don't want to harass our vendors by having to go back and make changes to what you're doing. I appreciate your ideas, but please do not talk to our vendors about things for our wedding."

suz62984

I be really pPissed if they were actaully changing things in my contract, on my dime. I would be mad at the vendors for letting them. Definantly talk to your vendors ASAP and talk to your BMs about changing things. This is not their wedding and they need to realize that, esp. if its your money.

jenn.daniel

Your mother is going along with this?!

You need to get in contact with your vendors and tell them that only you and your FI are allowed to change things.  Actually, I'm really surprised they would allow anyone other than the person who signed the contract make and decisions.

blackfire5th

Just a little FYI

Fiancee=vag

Fiance= peen

(taken from Ziti)