My local bridesmaid seems further away than the others!

tayley

So, I live on the opposite end of the country from my mom, moh, and one of my other two bridesmaids. The third bridesmaid lives about half an hour away from me, and we've never really been very close (I asked her to be my bridesmaid because I like her and she took the pictures of when we got engaged). Because we're not super close, I worry that she feels kind of left out of the whole process since I haven't asked her to do anything. The other two have tried to involve themselves as much as they can from so far away, but I've only spoken to the local BM twice since I asked her to be one. So far, I haven't asked for help from anyone at all, and I really don't mind doing everything myself at this point, but I feel like I *should* ask her since she's nearby. What can I do to make her really feel like part of the WP?

mbcdefg

Please realize that, if you weren't close to a girl BEFORE you asked her to be your bridesmaid, then asking her to be a BM isn't magically going to want her to become your buddy. People aren't gonig to change just because you happen to be planning a wedding.

If you want to invite her along to shopping trips or appointments, go right ahead. Just make it VERY clear that it's not an obligation on her part, and try to include something non-wedding-related in the mix: "Hey, Susie, I'm going to go to a cake tasting next weekend. If you want to come you're more than welcome! Maybe we can get a cup of coffee afterward, my treat."

And you SHOULDN'T mind doing everything yourself no matter what point in the planning you are, because it's your wedding and only yours to plan. Bridesmaids are not at all required to help you plan. It's great if they volunteer, but they are not "bad bridesmaids" if they don't. It's O.K. to politely ask them for help, but don't *expect* it from them. Treat it as a huge favor if they agree to help you, and don't get pissy if they can't. Your FI is the only other person required to help with planning - if you need more help than that, either hire a coordinator or scale things back so it's easier to handle on your own.

So basically, feel free to invite her along to appointments, or politely ask for some help if you need it ... but don't get mad or hurt if she says no. Because (a) her only job as a BM is to show up wearing the proper dress, and (b) you said so yourself that you're not close friends with her, so it's not like she's doing anything out of the ordinary by not wanting to hang out.

Also, please remember two things:

1. Your wedding isn't until next July. There really isn't anything that bridesmaids need to be doing right now ... you still have a couple months before they need to start looking for dresses, and aside from that there's really nothing else they need to do. Plus, many people don't get excited for someone else's wedding (or even their own) until a month or two out.

2. Asking someone to help out, and especially giving them a job or tasks, doesn't necessarily equate to them feeling appreciated and involved in your life. To some people, this may feel like a chore or work. If she wants to help out, she will volunteer. If not, she won't.

But since you said that you guys aren't close, my guess is that she may feel weird that you asked her to be a BM in the first place, and is probably very uneasy at the idea of being heavily involved in your life right now. There's no polite way to un-ask her to be a BM, so make the best of the situation ... hang out with her for non-wedding-related things, and try to build up the friendship.

emilyinchile

Personally, if you asked me to be your BM and we don't usually have coffee dates and happy hours all the time, I wouldn't expect things to change. I'd say definitely invite her along to fun stuff like looking at dresses or tasting cakes if you want - she may say no, but I think a lot of girls do enjoy those things, so she might want to come. And then just make sure that you're equally including her in the stuff all the BMs actually need to know, like picking their dresses and knowing when they need to be where for rehearsal and the day itself (not yet, obviously, but down the line). If you'd like to become better friends with her in general, just suggest getting together without relating it back to the wedding - I for one would be more excited about a new friend wanting to get dinner than about being asked to run a wedding-specific errand.

duckie1905

I would include her in the things that directly involve her (picking out the BM dresses, etc) and let her offer to do anything above that.  You said you weren't that close to her before and it is unlikely that the two of you will become a great deal closer just because she's in the wedding.

banana468

Right now there's just not much that a BM needs to do.

Relax and talk to her after the holidays.

And please realize that she may also be hesitant to do too much because you're not that close.  A wedding is something so personal and I wouldn't dream of stepping on the toes of someone I didn't know that well. 

bablingbrooke

If you weren't close and didn't hang out before you got engaged, asking her to be a BM won't change that.  Lower your expectations so that she can't disappoint you and anything that she does do for you will be a pleasant surprise.