Everyone wants to be in the wedding

beckhams88

As you can tell from my title post, I must be going crazy. I got engaged to my lovely hubby to be in Feburary. We are deciding to either get married next year June or wait till June 2014 (depending on if we find the right place or not). Ever since I have gotten engaged it seems as if people (mostly my family and friends) have all jumped to the conclusion that they are all in the bridal party. Dont get me wrong i love each and every one but I am not going to have 15-20 people staying up at the alter with me. I was thinking more along the lines of 6 and maybe pushing 8 but no more than that and some of them think that I am going to be paying for their dresses, accessories, hair and make up. I want people that are reliable, non-procrastinators, that are welling to help with time on their hands and actually live in my state. Now how do I put that in a nice way to people. I can tell out of all the people that have think that are in the bridal party only one has come with me to look at venues and dresses and she's actually in the wedding. Just need some advice on how to deal with this situation. I know I have some time to think but I'm curious if anyone has dealt with this kind of situation before.

Licia&Wayne

Flow charts.

Do you show up late? - /> Yes -> You will not be in the wedding party.

In reality, let it go. Don't think about it. Don't worry about it. When you get closer to the wedding and you decide who you want in the wedding party, let those people know. There's no need to let people know they didn't get in. You aren't a college, so no rejection letters needed. People will get the hint.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_everyone-wants-to-be-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a00f9e04-bde9-44a7-b22c-170fa8ec4f88Post:205495ab-802e-414f-a0d4-37563ce7f554">Everyone wants to be in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]As you can tell from my title post, I must be going crazy. I got engaged to my lovely hubby to be in Feburary. We are deciding to either get married next year June or wait till June 2014 (depending on if we find the right place or not). Ever since I have gotten engaged it seems as if people (mostly my family and friends) have all jumped to the conclusion that they are all in the bridal party. Dont get me wrong i love each and every one but I am not going to have 15-20 people staying up at the alter with me. I was thinking more along the lines of 6 and maybe pushing 8 but no more than that and some of them think that I am going to be paying for their dresses, accessories, hair and make up.<strong> I want people that are reliable, non-procrastinators, that are welling to help with time on their hands and actually live in my state.</strong> Now how do I put that in a nice way to people. I can tell out of all the people that have think that are in the bridal party only one has come with me to look at venues and dresses and she's actually in the wedding. Just need some advice on how to deal with this situation. I know I have some time to think but I'm curious if anyone has dealt with this kind of situation before.
Posted by beckhams88[/QUOTE]
I was with you up until the bolded bit.  Your attendants are not hired help to plan your wedding.  They're your nearest and dearest friends, and it would be a shame to exclude people just because they aren't willing/able to do your dirty work.  The only people who are required to assist with wedding plans are you, your FI, and anyone under contract being financially compensated for their help.<div>
</div><div>If you're not ready to pick yet, when people bring up the WP, just say that you're not ready to pick yet and change the subject.</div>

kaos16

1. Don't pick your bridal party yet, you have tons of time and friendships change
2. You are under no obligations to pay for accesories, hair and makeup unless you require them a certain way.
3. The sole responsibilties of your bridal party are to show up on time in the desired attire. . . . everything else is an added bonus
4. You shouldn't pick a bridal party based on proximity, reliability, effort put into helping thus far, etc. . . . you should pick the people that you want supporting you on your big day but standing up there with you, whether that is 2 people or 15 people.
5. As to those who think they will be bridesmaids, there is nothing wrong with politely informing them that the wedding is still a long way off and you haven't chosen attendants yet. Then change the subject.  Important to note, don't be guilted into saying ok if someone asks to be in the bridal party, it can get messy later if you realize you made a mistake.

gurrlballa10

Agree with L&W

Also, don't pick people just so they can help you out.  Pick them because they're your nearest and dearest.  My closest BM was 3 hours away and I planned my wedding just fine without their help.

beckhams88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_everyone-wants-to-be-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a00f9e04-bde9-44a7-b22c-170fa8ec4f88Post:06923014-2467-49f3-a33b-b446d323d415">Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Flow charts. Do you show up late? - /> Yes - /> You will not be in the wedding party. In reality, let it go. Don't think about it. Don't worry about it. When you get closer to the wedding and you decide who you want in the wedding party, let those people know. There's no need to let people know they didn't get in. You aren't a college, so no rejection letters needed. People will get the hint.
Posted by Licia&Wayne[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Thanks so much for you advice it really means a lot. Just feel like everyone expects me to pick now. Already had three friends fight over who was going to be the maid of honor. I'm like this isnt a show.</div>

beckhams88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_everyone-wants-to-be-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a00f9e04-bde9-44a7-b22c-170fa8ec4f88Post:0af30f0b-81b0-4b0b-a586-001e346a6e1f">Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Everyone wants to be in the wedding : I was with you up until the bolded bit.  <strong>Your attendants are not hired help to plan your wedding.  They're your nearest and dearest friends, and it would be a shame to exclude people just because they aren't willing/able to do your dirty work.</strong>  The only people who are required to assist with wedding plans are you, your FI, and anyone under contract being financially compensated for their help. If you're not ready to pick yet, when people bring up the WP, just say that you're not ready to pick yet and change the subject.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

<div>I dont exacty know what you mean by dirty work...What I meant was I want people who are supportive that wouldnt mind helping when it comes to bridal party stuff. I dont expect people to come to my house with glue guns in handy and start pasting stuff. I have some friends who are very opinionated, some who dont show up on time for things and some who jump back forth living in different states. Planning a wedding can be stressful and sometimes it would be nice to have people around that I know I can count on (whether talking on the phone or having girl time).</div>

beckhams88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_everyone-wants-to-be-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a00f9e04-bde9-44a7-b22c-170fa8ec4f88Post:a3d121c6-57a3-438f-8614-a0eddba55c8a">Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]1. Don't pick your bridal party yet, you have tons of time and friendships change 2. You are under no obligations to pay for accesories, hair and makeup unless you require them a certain way. 3. The sole responsibilties of your bridal party are to show up on time in the desired attire. . . . everything else is an added bonus 4. You shouldn't pick a bridal party based on proximity, reliability, effort put into helping thus far, etc. . . . you should pick the people that you want supporting you on your big day but standing up there with you, whether that is 2 people or 15 people. 5. As to those who think they will be bridesmaids, there is nothing wrong with politely informing them that the wedding is still a long way off and you haven't chosen attendants yet. Then change the subject.  Important to note, don't be guilted into saying ok if someone asks to be in the bridal party, it can get messy later if you realize you made a mistake.
Posted by kaos16[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>ThanK you for your advice advice. Its hard when you already have people fighting over this position and what they want to wear and what color this should be. And than you have those who jump from state to state. I keep telling everyone the only thing in my mind is finding s venue but they seem to go right back to the bridal party conversation.</div>

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_everyone-wants-to-be-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a00f9e04-bde9-44a7-b22c-170fa8ec4f88Post:eeb6ed9a-a63e-40b0-b65d-a5512eedb6c3">Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding : I dont exacty know what you mean by dirty work...What I meant was I want people who are supportive that wouldnt mind helping when it comes to bridal party stuff. I dont expect people to come to my house with glue guns in handy and start pasting stuff. I have some friends who are very opinionated, some who dont show up on time for things and some who jump back forth living in different states. Planning a wedding can be stressful and sometimes it would be nice to have people around that I know I can count on (whether talking on the phone or having girl time).
Posted by beckhams88[/QUOTE]
But planning a wedding doesn't need to be stressful.  It's a party, and it's a happy time.  You need to rely on your friends when you lose a job or a loved one or get a terminal diagnosis.  Jumping from state to state doesn't remotely matter, as long as they can jump to wherever the wedding is being held in time for the ceremony, which is their one and only actual duty.  The only "bridal party stuff" they need to do is get the dress and show up.<div>
</div><div>There will be people who offer to help, regardless of title.  How helpful you think they'll be (since it can be tricky to predict who's going to go ga-ga over talking details and who will be secretly looking for a way to slit their own wrists whenever the topic comes up) should never, ever be among the selection criteria.  If you really need to lean on someone, lean on your FI (you know, the other one getting married) or hire someone.</div>

beckhams88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_everyone-wants-to-be-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a00f9e04-bde9-44a7-b22c-170fa8ec4f88Post:60cb2b11-cf97-4973-9b0a-64455aacca43">Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding : But planning a wedding doesn't need to be stressful.  It's a party, and it's a happy time.  You need to rely on your friends when you lose a job or a loved one or get a terminal diagnosis.  Jumping from state to state doesn't remotely matter, as long as they can jump to wherever the wedding is being held in time for the ceremony, which is their one and only actual duty.  The only "bridal party stuff" they need to do is get the dress and show up. There will be people who offer to help, regardless of title.  How helpful you think they'll be (since it can be tricky to predict who's going to go ga-ga over talking details and who will be secretly looking for a way to slit their own wrists whenever the topic comes up) should never, ever be among the selection criteria.  If you really need to lean on someone, lean on your FI (you know, the other one getting married) or hire someone.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for the advice. I guess this why I'm taking my time with planning. 

</div>

LDubHawksFan

All 3 of my bridesmaids are 2000 miles away.  I talk with them about things when they ask, but it's not their responsibility to look at venues or anything.  Even while one lived close to me, she never went with to see locations or anything.  Start by looking at places/vendors with your FI and maybe each other's parents.  They are the ones that need to make the decision, not your possible bridesmaids. 
If you are thinking of a 2013 or 14 wedding, you have plenty of time to choose.  Use the advice above when the topic is brought up, then on your own, figure out who you want to stand up there with you on that day, not who will help plan the wedding or be the best host for a shower or bachelorette party.  Being invited is an honor too, so don't let those people bully you into the WP. 

beckhams88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_everyone-wants-to-be-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a00f9e04-bde9-44a7-b22c-170fa8ec4f88Post:1bdb8de9-b599-41cb-bf59-792ae301707e">Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]All 3 of my bridesmaids are 2000 miles away.  I talk with them about things when they ask, but it's not their responsibility to look at venues or anything.  Even while one lived close to me, she never went with to see locations or anything.  Start by looking at places/vendors with your FI and maybe each other's parents.  They are the ones that need to make the decision, not your possible bridesmaids.  If you are thinking of a 2013 or 14 wedding, you have plenty of time to choose.  Use the advice above when the topic is brought up, then on your own, figure out who you want to stand up there with you on that day, not who will help plan the wedding or be the best host for a shower or bachelorette party.  Being invited is an honor too, so don't let those people bully you into the WP. 
Posted by lwoehlk[/QUOTE]

<div>I am not asking anyone to pick up a glue gun and start pasting or lick stamps. When it comes to bridal party things I want them involved (I have some people who want to be in the wedding but have that I want my way i dont care attitude). Also its a bit difficult to get some of my friends on time for things so that becomes another issue. I dont care who plans my bridal shower or bachlorette party. Some jump from state to state (literally, one month living in PA and than the next living in Texas). I have had friends fight on who is going to be the MOH. I had peole call and text me on what dress they feel the bridal party should wear.</div>

LDubHawksFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_everyone-wants-to-be-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a00f9e04-bde9-44a7-b22c-170fa8ec4f88Post:eec6e44b-0dcd-41e7-949f-29db3c6bf7a9">Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding : I am not asking anyone to pick up a glue gun and start pasting or lick stamps. When it comes to bridal party things I want them involved (I have some people who want to be in the wedding but have that I want my way i dont care attitude). Also its a bit difficult to get some of my friends on time for things so that becomes another issue. I dont care who plans my bridal shower or bachlorette party. Some jump from state to state (literally, one month living in PA and than the next living in Texas). I have had friends fight on who is going to be the MOH. I had peole call and text me on what dress they feel the bridal party should wear.
Posted by beckhams88[/QUOTE]

I know; I read this the first time you posted it.  I was just saying that since in your OP you mentioned something about how only one person went with you to see venues, that is ok because they shouldn't be going.  My point is that it doesn't matter if they move around a lot as long as they buy one flight....the one to your wedding.  As for the people fighting to be MOH and asking about dresses, again, tell them what was recommended that you haven't even thought about wedding party or dresses yet, because really, you shouldn't be.  It's as simple as that.  It's rude that they are assuming they are a part.  All we have tried to say is that you are in your right to divert those conversations, and we are trying to tell you that WP should be those closest to you, period.  Do that and your list of 20 should hopefully dwindle to a reasonable number....wasn't that the root of your original post?

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_everyone-wants-to-be-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a00f9e04-bde9-44a7-b22c-170fa8ec4f88Post:eec6e44b-0dcd-41e7-949f-29db3c6bf7a9">Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding : I am not asking anyone to pick up a glue gun and start pasting or lick stamps. <strong>When it comes to bridal party things I want them involved</strong> (I have some people who want to be in the wedding but have that I want my way i dont care attitude). Also its a bit difficult to get some of my friends on time for things so that becomes another issue. I dont care who plans my bridal shower or bachlorette party. Some jump from state to state (literally, one month living in PA and than the next living in Texas). I have had friends fight on who is going to be the MOH. I had peole call and text me on what dress they feel the bridal party should wear.
Posted by beckhams88[/QUOTE]

I guess we're having a hard time understanding what 'bridal party things' are, because like PPs have said all they have to do is buy a dress and show up.  When the time comes they can see photos of dresses online or try on your options in their local store.  Their location doesn't matter.  

The next time someone suggests a WP dress to you tell them "I haven't even set a date yet, please stop sending me pictures it is stressing me out"

gurrlballa10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_everyone-wants-to-be-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a00f9e04-bde9-44a7-b22c-170fa8ec4f88Post:eec6e44b-0dcd-41e7-949f-29db3c6bf7a9">Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding : I am not asking anyone to pick up a glue gun and start pasting or lick stamps. When it comes to bridal party things I want them involved (I have some people who want to be in the wedding but have that I want my way i dont care attitude). Also its a bit difficult to get some of my friends on time for things so that becomes another issue. <strong>I dont care who plans my bridal shower or bachlorette party</strong>. Some jump from state to state (literally, one month living in PA and than the next living in Texas). I have had friends fight on who is going to be the MOH. I had peole call and text me on what dress they feel the bridal party should wear.
Posted by beckhams88[/QUOTE]

Yeah, see....here's the thing....you don't automatically get these just because you're a bride.  If someone offers, awesome!  But don't just expect them and don't ask for them if no one offers. 

goobersinlove

OP, I think you need to lower your expectation of what a bridal party is for.

You should be picking your bridal party based on who is nearest and dearest to you. If you had a body to hide at 4:00am, who would you call? THOSE people should be your bridal party. It should not be a set number ("I want 6 bridesmaids"), it should not be for political reasons, it should not be who can do more for you... it should be your very best friends regardless of what that number is.

"Bridal party stuff."  I blame the tv/movie industry for setting the bar so high here - in movies you see all the bridesmaids going to every dress fitting, most vendor appointments, planning showers and crazy bachelorette parties, and helping tie little bows. This is NOT what your bridal party is for. To set your expectations correctly, this is what they should be: Show up to the rehearsal the day before (if you're having one), show up to the wedding in the correct dress, stand next to you, and smile for pictures.

I would like to furthur reiterate what gurrl said - you do not automatically just get a shower or a bach party. If someone offers to throw you one you do, but don't assume that this is anyone's JOB. Again, lower expectations.

Therefore, it seems really silly to me that if someone you really love lives in another state that they wouldn't be in your bridal party simply because you are worried about their attendance at these perceived prerequisite things. Again, pick people based on your FRIENDSHIP - not those who "live locally, are non-procrastinators, are willing to help with time on their hands, and live in this state."

AurorasEnvy

Other PPs have good suggestions, BMs aren't obligated to help you plan the wedding.  If they want to help, fantastic, but certainly not something to be mad over when they don't.

I never really understand these posts.  You don't have to tell people they are NOT in the wedding party, only those who are.  Keep mum on it until you decide, and then invite the people you want to be in it.  The rest will figure it out.  I had a friend like this who was making comments which implied she thought she was going to be a BM.  I did not ask her a BM, did not "break the news to her", didn't mention anything about it to her - she eventually got the hint.

livelifelarge24

The exact same thing happened to me and the best advice I can give is to really, really take your time before formally asking anyone! Most of my friends assumed and just jumped in and now I have ten bridesmaids - this is so costly Not only is it costly but some of them are super unreliable - love them as friends but lets see if they even show up to the ceremony on time kind of friends. An easy way to let people down gently is to blame it on your FH - tell them he only has two important men in his life so you can only pick two women, for example. Having 10 bridesmaids is fun but it gets very hectic and super expensive for flowers and gifts. And some of them I haven't heard from much since the engagement.  

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_everyone-wants-to-be-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a00f9e04-bde9-44a7-b22c-170fa8ec4f88Post:eb52a75d-2a88-40b4-a6bf-18bc83549ace">Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]The exact same thing happened to me and the best advice I can give is to really, really take your time before formally asking anyone! Most of my friends assumed and just jumped in and now I have ten bridesmaids - this is so costly :/ Not only is it costly but some of them are super unreliable - love them as friends but lets see if they even show up to the ceremony on time kind of friends.<strong> An easy way to let people down gently is to blame it on your FH - tell them he only has two important men in his life so you can only pick two women, for example.</strong> Having 10 bridesmaids is fun but it gets very hectic and super expensive for flowers and gifts. And some of them I haven't heard from much since the engagement.  
Posted by livelifelarge24[/QUOTE]
Lying and valuing numbers over friendship (sides don't have to be even) is <em>such</em> a great way to start a marriage.

gurrlballa10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_everyone-wants-to-be-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a00f9e04-bde9-44a7-b22c-170fa8ec4f88Post:eb52a75d-2a88-40b4-a6bf-18bc83549ace">Re: Everyone wants to be in the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]The exact same thing happened to me and the best advice I can give is to really, really take your time before formally asking anyone! Most of my friends assumed and just jumped in and now I have ten bridesmaids - this is so costly :/ Not only is it costly but some of them are super unreliable - love them as friends but lets see if they even show up to the ceremony on time kind of friends. An easy way to let people down gently is to blame it on your FH - tell them he only has two important men in his life so you can only pick two women, for example. Having 10 bridesmaids is fun but it gets very hectic and super expensive for flowers and gifts. And some of them I haven't heard from much since the engagement.  
Posted by livelifelarge24[/QUOTE]

What?  No.  Sides don't have to be even.  And blaming shiiit on your FH?