Not choosing my sister as a MOH=wrong?

allylovesyou

Not sure if this question has been posed yet, but I'm really racking my brain on whether or not to have my sister be my MOH. The reasons behind this are a complicated story/situation I won't get into here, but basically we are not the closest in terms of our relationship and growing up even until now there are just numerous ways that I've felt she's hurt/disrespected me over and over again that affect the fact that I feel we're not as close as I would like to be. I basically have some trust issues with her as far as following through with MOH duties and also if she's in a place financially to where she can handle MOH responsibilities.

Would it be wrong if I didn't have her be my MOH? Should I just have 2 MOH's, with one being her? Or just keep her in bridesmaid status? I just keep thinking to myself, "she's family, why would I not have her be my MOH?"

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-choosing-my-sister-as-a-mohwrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a3e7c1b3-f528-4af1-abb0-63dffa618e2aPost:d8c2f04f-ec1f-4d95-a539-f6ff3723569e">Not choosing my sister as a MOH=wrong?</a>:
[QUOTE]Not sure if this question has been posed yet, but I'm really racking my brain on whether or not to have my sister be my MOH. The reasons behind this are a complicated story/situation I won't get into here, but basically we are not the closest in terms of our relationship and growing up even until now there are just numerous ways that I've felt she's hurt/disrespected me over and over again that affect the fact that I feel we're not as close as I would like to be. I basically have some trust issues with her as far as following through with MOH duties and also if she's in a place financially to where she can handle MOH responsibilities. Would it be wrong if I didn't have her be my MOH? Should I just have 2 MOH's, with one being her? Or just keep her in bridesmaid status? I just keep thinking to myself, "she's family, why would I not have her be my MOH?"
Posted by allylovesyou[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You don't have to have your sister as MOH.  Generally, MOH should be the person who is closest to you.  However, you have to understand that it may have an impact on your family dynamic.  She may consider it an insult.  Think about how others in your family have handled it and how you think she'll react.</div><div>
</div><div>There are no MOH duties (other than holding your bouquet) or financial requirements, so that should have no part of this decision.  You ask the MOH and BM for budgets before shopping for dresses.  All other expenses are optional.  If the MOH/BM do not want to spend money on pro stylying, b-parties, showers, shoes, etc, they don't.  You should never chose a MOH based on who you think will spend the most money on you.  </div><div>
</div>

TiffannieF

My cousin had me as a BM but did not ask her sisters.  If it's obvious of your relationship then I don't think it she would make a big deal about not being a MOH, if anything, she might think it's just a sympathy vote or weird that you asked. 

littleluckypenny

You don't have to have your sis as MOH if you don't want to.  My sister isn't.  Then again, I don't have a MOH, just 4 bridesmaids. 

brittneyh4

My sister assigned herself MOH status, and in the end it was just easier than creating a bunch of chaos. She can't afford much with being a SAHM, BIL just getting laid off, and having two kids, but I wouldn't keep her out of my WP because of that. Had she not assumed MOH status I would've had her as a BM, but to me the order didn't realy end up being a big deal - they're now walking down the aisle by height.

libby2483

My sister is my MOH, but my FI's brother isn't his BM.  He is just a regular groomsman.  There is no rule stating that siblings must be MOH/BM, so if you have someone else you feel closer with, I would ask that person.

trinisexy2

My first cousin is my MOH, and my sister is a guest. So don't feel obligated

jessbrooks1024

My youngest sister had a friend for her MOH. My other sister had me has her MOH mostly because I helped plan her wedding. She is my MOH because I had her and my sister choose which one wanted to be MOH my BILS are GM my FI doesn't have a best man yet.

aerinpegadrak

I was initially going to ask my two sisters to share MOH, but I decided to have a friend instead.  The decision probably wasn't made for the best reasons (I hadn't firmly settled on an MOH yet, but asked my friend because she'd been so helpful with planning and was local), but DH later told me that he would have felt pressured to have his two brothers as best men instead of his very best friend had I chosen my sisters, so on the whole it made life easier.

It's just a title without any inherent meaning, so really, go for the path of least drama.  If she won't care one way or another if she's MOH, great!  If giving her the MOH title will keep the peace even though you don't really want her to have it, go that way.  The people who want to help will, and the people who don't want to help won't, regardless of titles or obligations.  The only thing that the MOH traditionally does that would be weird if passed off to anyone else is holding your bouquet, because she's the one standing next to you.  Things like helping with planning, dress shopping, throwing parties, giving speeches, etc. are all optional and can be done by anyone who expresses an interest. 

Remember that the path of least drama may lead to not having an MOH at all, which is totally kosher as well, even if your FI selects a best man.

mbcdefg

It's OK to avoid asking her to be MOH because she's not your closest friend. It's NOT OK to avoid asking someone to be your MOH because you think that she won't be able to spend enough money or plan enough stuff for your wedding. If someone is your absolute best friend, that is the only criteria needed to make the decision. Not how financially stable she is, not how busy she is, not how excited she is to help you plan.

turnupyourlove

I don't know all the text shortcuts (haha) but I faced a pretty similar dilemma - I asked my sister to be my MOH even though I feel closer to some of the girls who I asked to be bridesmaids. My fiance is having his brother as his best man and I, like many other brides who posted, don't want to cause problems over something that really in the end isn't going to be a HUGE deal (having my sister as maid of honor vs. bridesmaid, that is). I was nervous that she'd be very "whatever" about it because we're very different, always have been, but she actually really stepped up and has been super helpful. We aren't inseperable out of nowhere or anything and I don't feel like we're going to be "bffs" now but it's just really really nice to have made that decision and my fears to be removed. She's doing a great job. I think I would have regretted it in the long run if I'd done it differently. But that's just me! I don't always avoid tension but when it's my only sister... Eh.

One of my friends has multiple sisters, is closer to one than the others, and wanted a small bridal party. Her solution was to ask her closest sister to be her maid of honor and a close friend to be her only bridesmaid. It worked out for her so I guess it really depends on the situation.

saacjw

I have two MOHs and neither is my sister. I love my sister, don't get my wrong and we're reasonably close, but she is not that person that I turn to. Those people (aside from FI) are my MOHs so that's why they're MOHs. 

erbear84

I'm going through something similar right now except I didn't ask my much older sister to even be a BM and she's throwing a hissy fit right now, saying she'll come to my wedding (her youngest daughters - she has 7 kids - are my flower girls) but leave right afterwards.  My mom's been laying a huge guilt trip on me about not asking her but it's more than a financial thing - I don't feel like, in my adult life, my sister's ever really supported anything I've ever done, she uses me (and my mom and FI), etc.  I still feel slightly bad for not asking her - I even told FI last night maybe I should just let her be a BM to shut her and my mom up - but then he pointed out all of the crappy ways she's treated me and I remember why she's not a BM or MOH.

So, CN: No, she doesn't have to be MOH.  Pick a MOH and BMs you are close to 

allylovesyou

Thanks for all the advice everyone! I really appreciate each of your responses.

Really the most glaring and important issue has to do with our relationship now and growing up, which now causes a bit of a riff or lack of closeness as much as I'd like in our relationship. I love my sister and there's no doubt I want her in my wedding, but it moreso had to do with I want to choose a bridal party overall of who has been supportive of and been there for me and who are some of the most important women in my life.

To clarify on the money spent issue, I did NOT choose my bridal party based on who would spend the most money on me. I had read from some sources (which on here may have come off as my absolute viewpoint on the issue) that if you do choose a MOH to keep in mind that that person would be someone who would have primary responsiblity of having your back, so to speak, or who would head up events and duties, etc. I just wanted to get other views/opinions from others on the forum besides what I read.

A lot of great points made here from everyone and again, I'm very appreciative. Thanks again!

PhoneCardLady

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-choosing-my-sister-as-a-mohwrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a3e7c1b3-f528-4af1-abb0-63dffa618e2aPost:d8c2f04f-ec1f-4d95-a539-f6ff3723569e">Not choosing my sister as a MOH=wrong?</a>:
[QUOTE]Not sure if this question has been posed yet, but I'm really racking my brain on whether or not to have my sister be my MOH. The reasons behind this are a complicated story/situation I won't get into here, but basically we are not the closest in terms of our relationship and growing up even until now there are just numerous ways that I've felt she's hurt/disrespected me over and over again that affect the fact that I feel we're not as close as I would like to be. I basically have some trust issues with her as far as following through with MOH duties and also if she's in a place financially to where she can handle MOH responsibilities. Would it be wrong if I didn't have her be my MOH? Should I just have 2 MOH's, with one being her? Or just keep her in bridesmaid status? I just keep thinking to myself, "she's family, why would I not have her be my MOH?"
Posted by allylovesyou[/QUOTE]

My sis had me as MOH at her first wedding, but it was extremely small (10 people total).  She did not have anyone stand up for her at the second wedding (though her daughter did hold her bouquet).

I have never been close with my sister, therefore I will not be asking her to be a part of my wedding party.  Mom thinks it's a mistake but I am holding my ground on this.