What do you say when you have NO advice to offer?

bablingbrooke

I have a friend who I used to work with and still speak with via email every few months.  Usually it's work-related gossip and questions.  Today she sent a long email about how she's going to leave her husband because he's emotionally abusive.  I'm shocked, but then I always believe that couples are happy until I have a reason to think otherwise.

I have no idea what to say to her.  All that's coming to mind is "I'm so sorry, let me know how I can help, I'm available if you need to talk" but that sounds so pithy and not helpful.  I've never been in her shoes, I don't have kids like she does, and I don't want it to sound like I'm blowing her off or minimizing what she's going through.

Please don't quote from this since I may DD it to protect her privacy.

skippylouwho

Speak form your heart - tell her your sorry to learn of the abuse she's been living through and sorry for what she is and will experiences as part of the break up. Tell her what her continued friendship means to you. Express the hope you have for her for a better future.

megk8oz

I would be extremely supportive of her decision ... not that I married the guy (And obviously I didn't have kids with him), but I was very serious with somebody who was abusive and it took me a very long time to get up the guts to stand up for myself and leave. It was the hardest thing I ever did (Not only was I in an incredibily fragile state, but I also was also afraid of him).

In the past, I had kept the situation a secret, so most people (Including my own family) had thought we were just a couple that fought a lot, and we broke up and got back together literally a million times, so they were pretty much giving me the advice "Oh lots of people go through what you guys are going through, if it's so bad, just break up already", not realizing that it went deeper than"Just a couple of kids fighting". When I finally knew I was way in over my head, I came forward and told my family and my friends what was going on, (Which was also really hard to admit to) and they were able to provide me with a support system that I needed to get through it.

My mom's first marriage (To my bio-dad), actually ended for similar reasons, and she actually had been willing to put up with it until me and my sister came along and she saw that didn't change things. She saw it as "I'm an adult who made the decision to live this way, but my kids didn't sign up for this", and when I was still a baby, she filed for divorce and threw him out (a la Jennifer Connelly in "He's Just Not That Into You")

I'm sure admitting to you not only that she was leaving, but why she was leaving had to be very hard for her to do. I know you usually use e-mail, but I would actually call her up to talk to her. Saying "I'm so sorry, I had absolutely no idea, if you need anything, really, anything, I'm here for you", really is all she needs to here if you can't think of anything else to say. With me, just knowing that I had people to call up/email/emotionally rely on during that time made the process so much easier. I mean, it was still hell, but before I tried reaching out to anybody, I always wound up going back to him every time I tried breaking up. Once I had people that could make me stop and realize that as hard as it was, I was really doing the right thing for myself, I was able to finally actually move on with my life.

LarissaAnn

Honestly, letting her know you're there if she wants or needs to talk is the best thing you can do for her.  

She knows you're not in the same position as she is, and if you tried to say something like "I know how you feel," it'd likely be more annoying than anything, since you both know you don't.  She needs a shoulder, and one who isn't in her position is probably preferable to her right now as more removed.  Plus, she knows you won't try to offer any silly advice she doesn't want because you can't.  That may be why she's specifically going to you rather than someone who's got kids who may encourage her not to leave or someone who's had marital problems who may try to impose their way of handling it onto her.

bablingbrooke

Thanks everyone.  I told her I was sorry, I can't imagine how difficult it must be but that I'm 100% behind her whatever she decides to do and that she can call me if she ever needs to talk.  

sarabellam

Express how sorry you are, tell her you are available to listen anytime she wants to talk, vent, cry, or whatever. Then make a SPECIFIC offer of help. Offer to come over and help her do the laundry. Offer to sit witth the kids while she goes to the store alone. Or offer to do a grocery store run for her. Take the kids to the movies or park one afternoon so she can go consult a lawyer.

deepcovejackie

You're so already on the right track, but I thought I might point out a couple of things.  What your friend needs to hear is that you're on HER side.  She needs to know that her life is not over, it's just going to be different.  She also desperately needs to hear that her decision will not damage her children.  She needs to hear that she made a difficult decision, and that her kids will survive.  She didn't have a choice, as her kids would have been far worse off if they had grown up in that environment.  Her kids are going to be her absolute #1 priority, and her primary source of the guilt that she will feel in ending her relationship.  This is a hard thing to deal with as a friend, but you sound as though you'll be a great source of support for her.  She may be just "testing the water" by coming out to you first.

I agree with pp, whatever you say from the heart will help.  It definitely won't make anything worse for her, because right now it can't get worse for her.

stina93446

Honestly, when someone tells me something like that and I want to be there for them, I really do say pretty much what you wrote, and I follow it up with a "I'm not kidding. I want to be here for you and I am available." I might sound like I'm blowing people off, but my real friends know that I am for real.

swim1011

I also think that's a good response, and I think you should follow up with a call sometime soon.  One of my best friends was in an emotionally abusive relationship.  I was there for her (even when she wasn't allowed to talk to me bc I knew what a scumbag this guy was) and I saw how much she needed the support after it was over. 

jayasolo

I think you've already said it. You could add something to the effect of, words escape me/I don't know what to say...then segway into giving her your complete support and asking her to let you know what she needs and how you can help, let her know you are there for her, that she is not alone. My prayers are with your friend.