does my future sister-in-law have to be a bridesmaid?

diamondx423

Hi everyone-

I'm really struggling with that to do with my fiance's sister and my wedding party.

She is 19 years old, probably will be 21 when the wedding is, and I had planned on making her a bridesmaid up until a few days ago...

Her 18 year old boyfriend proposed to her on NYE, my fiance and I found out through her facebook status, and things have continued to go down hill fast.
 
She "set a date" for a year before my wedding, and has 8 bridesmaids picked out --I'm not one of them, and my fiance (her brother) doesn't even know who two of them are. All of this we found out from her posting it on facebook.

Obviously things are tense right now, and hopefully they'll calm down and not get any worse, but is it necessary for me to put her in the wedding? I'm not planning on having a huge bridal party, 5 or 6 max...

trix1223

Ditto the other posters who said to wait, wait, and wait.  Your wedding is 2 years away?  You really don't even WANT to be asking ANYONE yet.

Want to know why?  Scroll down this board and read the countless posts from people who asked their BFF two years ago, and now they don't even speak anymore.  They want to know if they can kick said BM to the curb.

In the 18 months before you need to ask anyone, relationships change.  Your FSIL may see the light, and not even be with this guy.  Her plans can change.  Your plans can change. 

There's an ebb and flow to relationships.  Put this, and all your WP, not only on the back burner, but put that pot back in the cabinet.  There's just no good reason to ask anyone yet, and a ton of good reasons not to ask.

You'll thank us.  I promise.

duckie1905

Aside from the facebook thing, which is actually sort of crappy, I'm not sure how this affects whether or not she would be in the WP.  Is it a requirement that her brother know her bridesmaids?  My brother probably couldn't have picked half mine out of a lineup if his life depended on it.  Additionally, if you were going to ask her before her not asking you should not be a deciding factor.  If I picked all the women that made me their BMs for my wedding I would've had 14 BMs.

Also, don't get together with her and tell her why she didn't make the cut.  That's even worse.

Bottom line: if you were going to ask her before, then you should still ask her.  But not until 9 months out.  You are way too far away to be picking a WP.

aerinpegadrak

There's no really good reason to be picking your wedding party this early, and a thousand good reasons to wait.  Even if your relationships don't change, all of your girls will be burned out long before there's anything for them to do.

My siblings have never met my other three bridesmaids.  FI's brothers have met the best man (I think) but not his other two attendants.  I fail to see how that's relevant.

If you feel that your relationship with her is still strained when you get within a year of your own wedding, she can always stand on your FI's side.

mags0607

Wedding parties are not tit-for-tat. Just because you were planning/might ask someone to be in your wedding party, does not mean that person is obligated to "return the favor."

If you consider her one of the people in the world that you wouldn't want to get married without, ASK HER. It doesn't matter when her wedding is or whether or not you are in it. If she isn't close to you, but close to your FI, let him ask her to be on HIS side. If neither of you guys are close to her, then don't ask her to be in the wedding, just being a guest is an honor in itself.

I do find it odd that her brother was made aware of her engagement via Facebook, but that's really irrelevant.

The biggest thing I can say is wait to ask ANYONE to be in your wedding until at least a year out, or better yet, 9 months out.  As pp's have stated, you have a million good reasons to wait and a million bad ones to ask people now. WAIT and see what the relationships are a tear or so from now and then revisit the topic.

mags0607

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-sister-law-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:aa822bb7-9dc2-4e17-9cc1-9166a636b937Post:202e9ef7-df92-4378-887c-fe7d605e1589">does my future sister-in-law have to be a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone- I'm really struggling with that to do with my fiance's sister and my wedding party. She is 19 years old, probably will be 21 when the wedding is, and I had planned on making her a bridesmaid up until a few days ago... Her 18 year old boyfriend proposed to her on NYE, my fiance and I found out through her facebook status, and things have continued to go down hill fast.   She "set a date" for a year before my wedding, and has 8 bridesmaids picked out --I'm not one of them, and my fiance (her brother) doesn't even know who two of them are. All of this we found out from her posting it on facebook. Obviously things are tense right now, and hopefully they'll calm down and not get any worse, but is it necessary for me to put her in the wedding? I'm not planning on having a huge bridal party, 5 or 6 max...
Posted by diamondx423[/QUOTE]

jic

emilyinchile

PPs have pretty much said it. AFTER you wait for another 12-18 months, think about whether or not FSIL is someone you want standing up with you at your wedding. Whether or not you were a BM for her or how she broke the news of her engagement has nothing to do with it, other than perhaps being signals that you guys aren't particularly close, and therefore she's not one of your best friends who you would choose as a BM.

caymans_christy

It's funny, until I came to the TK, I never even thought about asking my FSIL to be a BM.  It just never crossed my mind.  I asked my sister and my two closest friends. 

Obviously, I think it is okay to not include her in the WP.  BUT, not for the reasons you have listed in your OP.  As pps stated - bestowing the BM honor shouldn't be tit-for-tat.  I wouldn't not include her simply because I wasn't included in her WP.

ALH11

Give it some time.  Your wedding is 2 years away.  The relationship with her might change by then.  Either close or down hill like you've been saying.  My FSIL didn't ask me to be in her wedding party in 2005 when her brother and I had been dating for 4 years, and I obviosly was not going anywhere.  She also had 11 BM's and she wasn't close with 2 of them that she just asked for the heck of it since their bf's were GM.  I was originally asked to be in the party but she didn't want to upset the family for not asking her cousin who was the same age as me.  I was upset when I wasn't in the party, but it was her wedding and her CHOICE.  Don't do things to satisfy his family.  It is your wedding and in the end you are the one that needs to be happy.  Her brother and I are getting married in May 2011, and I asked her to be in my WP.  We are really close, and even though I wasn't in hers I am being the bigger person.  Do what makes you happy.