HELP! MOH PROBLEMS!

kfarrell070

Ladies, please advise... I am twelve days away from my new years day wedding and (obviously) coming down to the very nitty gritty of the whole wedding. over the past week we have lost my eighteen year old cat (awful), had my final dress fitting (awful- my mom and i ended up having to find a new dress TWO WEEKS before wedding..it worked out but i DO NOT recommend), my bachelorette (fabulous-but i rolled my ankle and cannot walk still) and got my hair trimmed (again, awful- supposed to get 1 inch taken off, my hair is now 3.5 inches shorter and lost all of it's length)..in other words I DON'T THINK THAT I CAN TAKE MUCH MORE STRESS! Now, add to this my MOH who i have known since senior year of high school..to begin with when i got engaged SHE invited herself to be the MOH, at the time i didn't plan on having any bridesmaids and meant to go to hawaii to avoid all of the stress (oops) and so i did not think anything of it..now fast forward one year and i have three girls, with the original "MOH". She has been absolutely MIA for EVERYTHING even going as far as forgetting my shower date, and then telling me she didn't even buy the gift (that was not on the registry) herself. I have had my feelings hurt as she obviously has drifted considerably since the original MOH naming and now i feel awful to the two other girls who have both filled in where she has not. At the wedding who do i have stand next to me? The girl who has been absolutely non-existent? Or the girl that i have known since i was fourteen and has been there every step of the way? Who does the DJ announce as the MOH? Is it fair to demote the girls who have been whole-heartedly involved and sincere (MOH does not even check in to see how things are going..i know she is busy that is fair but the two other girls both just started new high responsibilty jobs..as opposed to just finishing your bachelors). I honestly feel awful because i know who should get the title of MOH but is it fair to spring it on the "MOH" this late...any advice is greatly appreciated...i am going to go rip my hair out now..thanks..

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Soon2BeMrsTing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ab52ad3d-40ea-4975-a297-87c6bee5504bPost:fc927ab2-dc01-4ba4-a865-d410acd61376">HELP! MOH PROBLEMS!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ladies, please advise... I am twelve days away from my new years day wedding and (obviously) coming down to the very nitty gritty of the whole wedding. over the past week we have lost my eighteen year old cat (awful), had my final dress fitting (awful- my mom and i ended up having to find a new dress TWO WEEKS before wedding..it worked out but i DO NOT recommend), my bachelorette (fabulous-but i rolled my ankle and cannot walk still) and got my hair trimmed (again, awful- supposed to get 1 inch taken off, my hair is now 3.5 inches shorter and lost all of it's length)..in other words I DON'T THINK THAT I CAN TAKE MUCH MORE STRESS! <strong>Now, add to this my MOH who i have known since senior year of high school..to begin with when i got engaged SHE invited herself to be the MOH, at the time i didn't plan on having any bridesmaids and meant to go to hawaii to avoid all of the stress (oops) and so i did not think anything of it.</strong>.now fast forward one year and i have three girls, with the original "MOH". <strong>She has been absolutely MIA for EVERYTHING even going as far as forgetting my shower date, and then telling me she didn't even buy the gift (that was not on the registry) herself.</strong> I have had my feelings hurt as she obviously has drifted considerably since the original MOH naming and now i feel awful to the two other girls who have both filled in where she has not. At the wedding who do i have stand next to me? The girl who has been absolutely non-existent? Or the girl that i have known since i was fourteen and has been there every step of the way? Who does the DJ announce as the MOH? <strong>Is it fair to demote the girls who have been whole-heartedly involved and sincere (MOH does not even check in to see how things are going..i know she is busy that is fair but the two other girls both just started new high responsibilty jobs..as opposed to just finishing your bachelors).</strong> I honestly feel awful because i know who should get the title of MOH but is it fair to spring it on the "MOH" this late...any advice is greatly appreciated...i am going to go rip my hair out now..thanks.. <a href="http:// <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.theknot.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers">www.theknot.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers</a> " title="Wedding"><img src="http://global.theknot.com/tickers/tt123565.aspx" alt="Wedding Countdown Ticker" border="0"  /></a />
Posted by kfarrell070[/QUOTE]

Okay, breathe. 

I'm sorry to hear about all the recent aggregate stressors, including the loss of your dear pet.  I can see why you want to pull your hair out after everything.

The issue with the MOH, however, is fairly simply dealt with. In response to the parts of your post I bolded:

1.  It seems from your description that you didn't put too much thought into who was going to be your MOH.  This girl was rude to assume or to outright ask, but since you agreed to have her she remains your MOH regardless of what she does or does not do to communicate with you about wedding plans or to help you prepare.  MOH is an honor, not a job.

2.  No one is required to attend pre-wedding parties or to give a gift, not even the MOH. Many brides are not thrown showers or other parties.  You set yourself up for disappointment there. It's wrong of you to be disappointed in her, or in anyone, for not getting you a gift.

3.  You're making assumptions about how busy your MOH is or is not in relation to the other two, which is not only unfair but also irrelevant since she is not required to do anything!  Let the "original", as you say, MOH stand up next to you and be announced as MOH.  At the end of the day, MOH is the one you chose to bestow the honor upon, NOT the one who does the most for you.

Best wishes with your NYE wedding.  I'm sure you'll have a blast!

kfarrell070

thank you for your post! i guess disappointment wasn't probably the word that i meant to use, or at the very least disappointment in myself for not ammending the problem when it first came up, as for #3, this was pretty much what i was planning on doing, if only because i cannot in good conscience spring the opposing news on her at such short notice...even if i am a bit irritated by the whole thing (this is not to mention my mother and how she feels about it...oy). i just wanted to make sure i had made the right decision and i will probably just mention in a descrete way (i.e thank you cards at the rehearsal) to the other girls that i appreciate the effort and work that they have put in for me, but that i cannot deal with anymore drama right this minute. thank you again! good luck with your green olive! now to try and find a way to mend a swiollen ankle two weeks before a wedding...ugh

RaptorSLH

A good thing to focus on, since trying to change MOH now would definitely cause more drama that you don't need.  

Regarding the ankle...I'm going to assume icing, heating,and wrapping are all super obvious.  Here's one that might not be: the drugstore probably sells cheap adjustable canes.  It helps to take your weight off when you're moving around, and that can reduce both pain and recovery time.  Not the most dignified option, perhaps, but this is a special occasion.

Soon2BeMrsTing

Thank you, OP, for taking my feedback so graciously!  And thank you for the kind wishes.

Yes, do take care of that ankle, mostly by keeping your weight off of it as much as is possible.  Raptor's suggestion to use a cane is a good one, I think.  I've had my share of ankle injuries as a runner; two weeks should be enough time for it to mend, provided you give it the rest it needs.  I think that IF others are offering to run errands for you at this time (including your FI), it would be wise to let them help so that you can heal.

Writing heartfelt thank you's to the maids who went above and beyond would be quite appropriate, I think.  You'll do fine.

Have fun!

Mrs.B6302007

Just chiming in with a GL and try to take things in stride.  In 12 days (yay!)  the wedding planning drama will all be behind you and you can enjoy being married.  Hope your ankle heals up quickly and I'm so sorry about your pet.  THere's no "good" time for that but it's definitely not easy dealing with loss at this time of the year and in combo with wedding planning.

Come back and share some NYE wedding pics, please?  =-)

msuprincess04

I would be disappointed too. But, in the end, screw it. No matter who's there, you are marrying the man of your dreams, your family and friends will be there to witness, then you are going to party and celebrate life and a new marriage. I'm so excited for you. Good luck with everything. You sound strong and I know you can handle this.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ab52ad3d-40ea-4975-a297-87c6bee5504bPost:30aaf93d-d77b-4a9a-ae14-605b37dc5fdd">Re: HELP! MOH PROBLEMS!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would be disappointed too. But, in the end, screw it. No matter who's there, you are marrying the man of your dreams, your family and friends will be there to witness, then you are going to party and celebrate life and a new marriage. I'm so excited for you. Good luck with everything. You sound strong and I know you can handle this.
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]

This 100%.  After everything is said and done you will look back on your wedding day with only fond memories and all the stress that you are under now will be a distant (thankfully) memory.  So I say from this point on just try to enjoy yourself, the holidays and the days leading up to your wedding because at this point everything is done and planned so instead of stressing just sit back, put your feet up and enjoy the experience.

kfarrell070

thank you all for the kind wishes and the advice about my ankle! i agree that it is one day that i will look back on and have enjoyed regardless of the surrounding drama going on. i woke up and the swelling is down a lot (toe ring can slide up and down the toe again...WOOHOO) hopefully it is the beginning of turn around for me! thank you again, you all seem wonderful! happy holidays and best wishes (i am looking at your tickers and you all seem to be doing very well!)!!

eahollin

I know how you feel! My MOH has been my friend since 4th grade and didn't plan/pay for the shower or party. I also under stand these are not things that are expected, but when the other girls are doing the work, you kinda feel bad that the person that is supposed to be closest to you is doing the least! For my shower, she through together some decorations at the end, but then when they asked her to help on the food, she called my mom and my mom paid for over $100 of the food! Enough of my troubles! For my situation, I made my cuz, who is planning my bachelorette party, my maid of honor and my MOH friend from 4th grade the matron of honor. The only place it will really say that is the programs, but I thought it would make her feel good. Of course, it may just be in our heads and our bridesmaids might not care about any of this (as one of them actually said to me!)