My Mother thinks my bother should be a groomsmen!

ALSharpe01

My mother thinks my brother should be a groomsmen! My FI and I have already had difficulty picking people for our wedding party. H also has SEVERAL chilhood friends that he wanted as groomsmen! My mother is driving me insane and frankly has hurt my feeling over this.My brother and I are not that close and we argue a lot- she says that it's just part of being brother and sister. I say NOT!  SO... What do I do? Do I Add my brother as a groomsmen? I need help!!

banana468

Well, is this a situation that your mother will pull funding if she doesn't get her way?  Or is this something where you can say, "Mom, I understand that you think being a sibling means that you're in the other sibling's wedding.  However to FI and me, being in a wedding means you're one of the closest people to us and while I love brother, it wouldn't be fair to him OR FI to ask him to be a GM."

Personally I'd try to throw him a bone and see if he'd do a reading.

And if he won't do a reading and if talking to your mom doesn't work, I'd just stop the wedding conversation with her if at all possible.

aerinpegadrak

Depends, do you want to hear about this at every holiday and family gathering for the rest of your life?  In any case, you shouldn't force him on your FI.  He gets to choose his groomsmen.  If it's so important that he be in the wedding, he can stand on your side.

bablingbrooke

FYI: Groomsman: Singular.  Groomsmen: Plural.

While I agree you shouldn't be a doormat on wedding things, siblings in the wedding party are often worth conceding on if, for no other reason, to have some family peace.  So I'm going to turn the question back on you: which will cause you more drama--having him or not having him?  If your mom will drop it if you say no and he doesn't care, don't ask him.  If your mom and brother will bring this up at every family gathering for the next five years, ask him.  I think the biggest variable here is whether this is just something mom wants, or if your brother is truly bothered.

FWIW, I had the obligatory sibling in the WP (and we don't get along at all) and it wasn't any sort of big deal, so don't turn this into a bigger issue than it has to be.  In all things wedding, take the long view.  There's a lot of life to be lived after the wedding day, and you don't want to do anything at the wedding that will haunt you later.

gottahavashorti

Does he care about this?  If not, ask him to escort your mother in the processional, usher or do a reading.  If he does, your FI can ask him to be a GM or you can ask him to be a bridal attendant.  Sides don't have to be even so this shouldn't create too big of an issue.

ehathewa

Can he be an usher?  That way he can wear the outfit and be in the pictures.

Robyn5298

I like Ehathewa's idea about including him as an usher.  That's what I'm doing with my two brothers - my FI and I are very close to one of my brothers but not so much the other.  Since we couldn't ask one to be in the WP and not the other, making them both ushers seemed like a good way to include them both but avoid any hurt feelings.

Do you think offering your brother a role other than groomsman would pacify your mother, and still feel okay to you and your fiance?

BeeBee22

The groom picks his groomsmen. You and Mom don't get a say.

banana gave you great advice. If you and your brother don't get along, it sounds as if mom's trying to create an imaginary tableau of a perfect family to show off to the guests, as opposed to a real family.

Do you have any sort of go-between who can talk to your brother? (I'm thinking go-between to prevent his possibly going along with your mom to annoy you, if your relationship is that bed). Maybe your brother can tell your mom he doesn't want to do it.

Miss_Sophia

when my Matron of Honor got married last fall her brother was in the wedding party but he stood on her side. He was her 'Man of Honor'. I think it was a great idea and it was a great way to include him as a member of the wedding party.

And no, he didn't wear a dress,  ;-) He wore a tux like the other groomsmen but we all joked around how it would have been entertaining to have Matt in a dress walking down the aisle. However, I don't know if the priest would have found it as amusing.

ALSharpe01

tried the usher thing! It wasn't GOOD enough for my mother!!!

tiffersnc

PPs are all giving you good advice. If it's going to cause drama to exclude him, then just cave and include him. Have him stand on your side or your Fi's side. IMO, there's a greater possibility that you'd regret not having him up there than the other way around. Besides, do you really want this hanging over your head every time someone brings up your wedding, now and 15 years from now?

lovebug215

I would just talk to your brother about it. forget your moms opinion. The opinions that matter are yours, fiance, and your brother.
I had the same situation and ended up not having my brother in the WP. MY fiance had 6 groomsmen already and I only had 5 girls. So we told him we'd make him a special part in something else. But i actually get along with my brother.

Maybe you don't get along now but maybe you will in the future. I would just not want you to regret not having him in it since he is your blood and will always be.