Why don't my BM and MOH understand bridal shower protocol???

choxie_77

Hi everyone!!!

I'm 88 days away from getting married and I've been able to stay away from the boards and not vent, but now is the time!!! Grrr!!

So I'm having 2 showers; one in Las Vegas (where I live) and one in L.A. (where I'm from originally). My local one will have about 8 guests and my L.A. one will include my mom and my fiance's mother, family and close friends. My childhood friend is my man of honor and another friend of mine is one of the bridesmaids (my fiance's sister is another bridesmaid).

SInce the L.A. bridesmaid isn't working right now, she said she would go ahead and plan my shower along with my MOH. I told her to keep Christine (fiance's sis) in the loop with plans since she also lives about an hour away from L.A. I sent Carrie (L.A. bridesmaid) a guest list.

Cool. That's taken care of. Or so I thought.

Then Eric and Carrie were asking why certain people - who are mutual friends of ours - weren't on the list and I explained to them that the people who were on the bridal shower list were those individuals invited to the wedding. (We are having a small wedding on a small budget. Initially when we started planning our guest count was at 225 and we've downsized it to 115.) What matters at the end of the day is having the people who have raised you and supported you throughout your life be there on your special day right? And am I wrong to not invite people to my shower/wedding who I haven't really talked to in over 8 to 12 months on a regular basis??

So now they want a copy of the wedding guest list to see "who exactly I've invited" and I told them no. And there response was "well, we don't want any drama and/or hurt feelings from our side. there were some people who were expecting to come to the shower and you didn't invite them." And then what else pissed me off is that Christine didn't even know the date of the L.A. shower because they hadn't told her!

I have a feeling that they were chatting up the shower to people and now they expect me to invite more people. (which I'm not). I told them the only people they need to discuss plans with are the wedding party, my mom and my fiance's mom. Ideally, I would've liked our moms to plan it, but my mom is in Chicago and his mom is in Houston.

I did the right thing, right? And what do you gals think about sending them the wedding guest list? I'm not comfortable doing that.

Thanks for listening.

mags0607

Your wedding guest list is none of their buisness, and I wouldn't send them the complete list if you aren't comfortable with doing so.

As for the shower invites, YOU are right, you should not invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding. If they are fussing over people that are invited to the wedding, just let it go, and let them add more guests if they are comfortable doing that money-wise. If they are fussing over wanting to invite people to the shower who aren't on the wedding guest list, then stand your ground.

Try and stay out of the planning of your shower as much as possible, and just tell them no about giving them the guest list, then "bean dip" them ( ie: change the subject) and hope that they do not invite people to the shower that you didn't include in the wedding.

One other thing, ( and this is semi off-topic) usually Mom's don't throw the showers because it seems like the family is gift-grabby, so its better that your bridal party took on the responsibility.

choxie_77

Good point. My fiance made a good comment too. He's like "Hey if they want to invite those people you didn't invite, let them. Then they have the responsiblity of telling them they aren't invited to the wedding." LOL. I would never do that, but he makes a valid point.

banana468

FWIW, I did share my wedding guest list with my aunt when she threw my shower and also with my MOH.  It was just easier for her to see who was and wasn't invited - and then she also had correct spelling and addresses too.

I think if you say, "We've invited THESE people and those aren't on the wedding list," then the host and hostesses should get the point.

Beyond that, also say, "I'm really not comfortable attending a shower if you invite people who aren't invited to the wedding," to give them the knowledge that what they'd be doing is inappropriate.

Beyond that, if non-wedding guests are at your shower, practice your pleasantly surprised face.

swim1011

Ditto banana.   You are right- no one should be invited to the shower that isn't invited to the wedding.  You do not need to hand over your guest list for the wedding, period.  I think the list of people invited should speak for itself- that includes  the fact that you didn't invite some people they expected.  Hold your ground on this one.

CTGirl30

Ditto - you only invite people to the shower who are also invited to the wedding.

You absolutely do not have to hand over your entire wedding guest list to anyone if you are not comfortable doing so. My BMs simply asked me for a guest list for my shower and I gave them one. Believe me - every woman invited to the wedding was NOT also invited to my shower. I kept the shower list limited to my close female friends (not FI's female friends whom he knows better than I do) and our female family members. I did not extend the invitation to female cowokers on either of our sides. I preferred to keep the shower more intimate and I invited whom I felt most comfortable doing so.

Banana has a great suggestion for how to word the conversation with your attendents: "I'm really not comfortable attending a shower if you invite people who aren't invited to the wedding." 
Definately stand your ground here - you are approaching this in the correct way.

bablingbrooke

You are right.  They are wrong.  

choxie_77

Thanks for all the great advice!! I just needed some reassurance on the subject. I felt I was starting to experience "Bride Brain". And Banana, I had mentioned it to my fiance last night too that if they were going to make a big stink about it still, that I would just say no to a shower. Thanks again ladies!!