How to Say No

nittykitty

My brother in law is newly engaged, and I despise his fiance for reasons we need not get into here. I think this wedding is the biggest mistake he will make. I want to be prepared if I am asked to be a part of the party. Help!

em01092

Does the fiancee not like you either? If the feeling is mutual, I doubt she will ask anyway. I guess you would not stand up for your brother in law either if he asked you to on his side. If you are asked, just politely decline. 

However much you don't like this woman, your brother in law is marrying her, and you need to accept that. She may be in your family the rest of your/her lives. You don't have to be BFFs, but you should respect his decisions. 

Simply Fated

"That's so nice of you to ask, but if it's alright with you, I'd like to attend as a guest."

cebrady89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_say-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b2155867-5516-4482-9c40-02d3fe470586Post:137b857b-eef6-4004-84b6-5db18a986bdb">Re: How to Say No</a>:
[QUOTE]"That's so nice of you to ask, but if it's alright with you, I'd like to attend as a guest."
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>Perfect.</div>

skippylouwho

I hated my brother's (now ex) wife from the night I first met her. I was happy he was dating someone, excited to meet her. Within an hour I knew she was white trash really not the right person - but I kept my mouth shut. I kept it shut for 10 years. Neither of them ever knew I couldn't stand her.  The day he told me he was divorcing her I finally told him. He asked me why I hadn't said anything before then, even before they got married. I told him it wasn't my place to choose who he married, it was my place to support him and be there for him. If she was who he wanted then I would be as nice to her as possible and never let it show. To me, it was the right thing to do. Did I want him telling me who to date/marry? no.

Among the many white trash things she did the night I met her was laugh on and on about she and her parents thought it was funny to set her 5-year old daughter's plate on the floor and watch her eat it like a dog.   You know if a 2 or 3 year-old sees a dog eat and then explores the dog dish, that's one thing but to put your 5 year-old's plate on the floor and laugh while they get on their hands and knees and eats (often) is another. 

nittykitty

We are on the exact same page SkippyLou. I know it isn't my place, but it is killing me. I guess the "would rather atttend as guest" is the best route to take. Thanks.

lkgilberti

I'd go with that. I'd also be somewhat honest about it too. Maybe saying that you don't think that you know her well enough or something like that? I'm in a sticky situation with my fiance's cousin right now and that's how I got out of it. His fiance asked me to be in the wedding even though she's met me no joke, 3 times (2 out of 3 were a viewing/funeral). There's a LOT of drama surrounding their wedding... they got engaged no joke 5 days after us the day after my fiance and his cousin's grandmother passed away, and had only known each other for a week. I straight up told her that I was uncomfortable being in the wedding because I didn't know her, and that my fiance and his parents were uncomfortable with me being involved and left it at that. 

AurorasEnvy

Generally, I'd agree with the whole "I'd rather attend as a guest, thanks" sentiment.

But with that being said...does your FI/H feel the same way about his brother's fiance?  I know you didn't want to elaborate on the details.  If it is a simple matter of not caring for this girl, that's one thing.  I don't really consider it my place either to comment on relationships of close friends/family.  However, if the concern is more serious - infidelity, drug use, physical/emotional abuse, etc. I don't think it would be out of line for someone close to this guy (either FI/H or yourself) to bring the subject up.