wedding party switcharoo

MeganT13

When my fiance and i got engaged 6 months ago, we immediately asked our closest friends and family to be in the wedding party. My fiance asked his best friends from high school (we're 20 and 21 so we're still very close with them) but one particular friend has since branched off, moved away, and basically fallen off the face of the earth. Our wedding isn't for another year and a half but is it ok for him to ask someone else to replace the other friend? And if he can, do we tell the old friend or just not bother?

Mrs.B.Rad

It's never okay to kick someone out the wedding and replace them. You shouldn't have asked your BP so early for this very reason.  If the friend has really "fallen off the face of the earth" I would try to get in touch with them the best you can and ask what's going on. If they can't be a part of your wedding for a different reason (financially unable to, doesn't want) you need to talk to them ASAP about it. They may not want to be in your wedding any more but don't want to tell you for fear of hurting your feelings.

Replacing your friend will just make who ever you have asked instead feel like second best.

MyNameIsNot

Kicking someone out of your wedding is a horribly nasty thing to do to a person.  It's only justified when the person does something truly terribly, like trying to sabotage your relationship.  Falling off the face of the earth does not count.  Your FI should try to talk to this person, and try to fix whatever went wrong in the friendship.

If this person did drop out, you still shouldn't replace them.  If you wanted this person, you would have asked him in the first place.  Your wedding is not a play where you need a perfectly even chorus line and need understudies to replace the real WP if they can't make it.  There's no way to ask a back up without insulting them.

mbcdefg

Lesson learned - this is why you should not be asking people more than a year away from your wedding.

If your FI wants to continue to be this guy's friend, he should keep trying to reach out to him. The wedding has nothing to do with it ... this is a friendship issue, not a wedding issue. All you really "need" this guy for is to order a tux or suit about a month or two before the wedding. If your FI wants to end the friendship (and not because of the wedding, but because he really doesn't want to be his friend anymore, wedding aside), then he owes this guy the courtesy of a phone call. Don't kick him out of the wedding but then invite him to be a guest ... either end the friendship and deal with any hurt feelings or fights, or leave him in the wedding.

Don't ask a replacement groomsman. That's insulting on a number of levels ... to the original groomsman (because it's saying that anyone can take his place), to the new guy (because you're saying, "You weren't good enough to be asked the first time, but since we need a stand-in then I guess you'll do"), and to the other attendants (because it's saying, "If you displease us then you can be easily replaced").

My advice - continue to reach out to this guy and make sure he's O.K. If he isn't responding, then just leave him a message about when he needs to have his tux/suit ordered by and what style he needs to get. If he gets it, he's in. If not, he's taken himself out of the wedding and your hands are clean. Do NOT NOT NOT replace him, just go on with whoever you have left. It's not a big deal to lose a person (in terms of numbers).

bablingbrooke

It's fine to ask the other friend to be a GM.  It's not fine to boot the current GM.  

But WAIT.  You still have so long until the wedding.  Look how much has changed in the last six months.  More could change in the next year to six months--you could reconnect with the GM, you could make new friends, your wedding fund could disappear and you have to change all your plans.  Wait until you have less than a year until the wedding.  Then ask people.  But do NOT ask anyone else before then.  Getting trigger happy can cause trouble, as you've learned.

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-switcharoo?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b24b1de5-95c0-420c-91d9-aa457390b782Post:8479c9f4-1bf6-4a17-956a-8893233198ff">wedding party switcharoo</a>:
[QUOTE]When my fiance and i got engaged 6 months ago, we immediately asked our closest friends and family to be in the wedding party. My fiance asked his best friends from high school (we're 20 and 21 so we're still very close with them) but one particular friend has since branched off, moved away, and basically fallen off the face of the earth. <strong>Our wedding isn't for another year and a half but is it ok for him to ask someone else to replace the other friend? And if he can, do we tell the old friend or just not bother?</strong>
Posted by MeganT13[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Really?  You should read some of the sticky posts at the top of the board page.  And I have to reiterate, REALLY?  "<span style="font-weight:bold;" class="Apple-style-span">And if he can, do we tell the old friend or just not bother?</span>"  Just not bother?  Cold.</div>

suz62984

Ummm NO and have you guys tried contacting him? this goes both ways yah know.

ecuchika

You said your only 20-21. Ok so from personal experience: I totally agree with PPs! Your FI needs to contact this friend. Find out how his life is since the move, job, and social.  I have a friend from my High School years that when we left for college on totally different sides of the state we wouldn't talk for months.  I would call her and there would be no reply or she would say let me call you back (which would be weeks or months later).  Now she lives in Ohio and me in NC and we are just as close as when we saw each other every day.  She was just super busy and so was I.  I bet your friend by no means is ignorning you he is just busy.  I too have a long engagment and even though I knew who I wanted to ask to be in my WP I held off for 8 months into the engagement. They only reason I asked when I did (b/c I was wanting to wait til closer to the wedding) is because all my girlfriends guessed who was in for the most part. I am getting married in June 2011.

MeganT13

Thank you all so much for your advice.
I realize that my post sounded very cold... and I apologize.
I was a little agitated with the fiance, because he's been "rethinking" his GM decision.
I completely agree with all of you, he should have waited to ask.
But now he can hear it from other people as well!
And i just want to apologize again, because I obviously offended almost all of you.
Next time I won't be so cold hearted when i post something

bablingbrooke

No need to apologize, no one was offended!  Just brutally honest.  Which is how we do here.  You took the advice like a pro, do stick around!