Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Party
Wedding Party
New Discussion
Options

Friend Frustration

Re: Friend Frustration

  • Options
    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

    Well, she shouldn't care about wedding planning.  That's not her job - it's yours.

    And if you're not getting married until 2013, she may just think, "This is too much.  I'll look at these things later."

    Focus on your friendship.  Stop talking about your wedding at all - and when you do, only bring up things like dress shopping around 6 mos in advance.

    FWIW, I think you asked too early.  You may love your friends but it's WAY too early to do anything with a bridal party at this point.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b4c8aac1-12da-4f16-a04a-d5739d1eb5bcPost:05f82c57-d807-4270-ac11-5b42d36b2b68">Friend Frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids has been MIA for the past couple of months & I'm a little frustrated/annoyed with her right now. My wedding isn't until 2013 so there's not a whole lot of planning & prep work happening right now, but I am looking for reception ideas, I've found a few dresses online that I like.. things that I've been asking the other 3 girls opinions for. I've tried to get her opinion, but she doesn't respond. I've messaged her quite often just to say "hey, hows it going", "free for coffee soon", "still alive?" and the response I ALWAYS get is "so busy with work, so so busy with work...." (her profession isn't a take over life job & she always has status updates about hanging out with her other group of friends). I work fulltime & have other responsibilites outside of work, but I make time for people even if it's once a month. I'm definitely not being bridezilla in anyway right now. I just feel like this friend doesn't care about our friendship right now/wedding planning. She hasn't put in any effort for our friendship this past little while & I'm wondering if I made the right choice asking her to be a bridesmaid... Any tips or advice on how to handle the situation? I'm hoping once the new year comes, she'll put a little more effort into us? but I'm not sure if that's going to happen..
    Posted by tandrosoff[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Stop expecting her to care about your wedding.  You are more than a year out, and shouldn't have even asked BMs yet.  She obviously doesn't care about the details of your wedding, and she shouldn't be expected to (no one, except you and the groom should).  Stop sending her those emails and things.  In fact, stop sending them to everyone.  You are going to annoy everyone with wedding details between now and the wedding if you keep it up.</div><div>
    </div><div>Second, stop looking at BM dresses.  You shouldn't even begin to shop for them until about 6 months before the wedding.  Chances are, the things you are seeing now are going to be discontinued or out of style by the time you start shopping for dresses, and that you will change your mind several times.  It's exciting, but shopping too early is just a recipe for problems.  </div><div>
    </div><div>With this girl, take her at her word that she's just busy now.  People have lives.  Back off a little and give her some space.  Just because you are her friend doesn't mean you are her only friend.  Maybe she wants to spend time with other friends now?  Maybe it's just a busy time at work?  Maybe you are getting on her nerves and she just needs a breather.  That's ok.  </div><div>
    </div><div>If 6 months go by and you haven't heard from her, it may be time to re-evaluate the friendship.  If you discover that you've lost contact and don't want to be friends anymore, end the friendship.  You will probably find that if you give her a little space, she'll come to you when she's ready.  
    </div>
    Report Reply
  • Options
    PetalPockets2012PetalPockets2012 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b4c8aac1-12da-4f16-a04a-d5739d1eb5bcPost:45f04da0-f34e-45aa-9227-6977d357547b">Re: Friend Frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]banana468 & MyNameIsNot you have completely missed my point.. I'm not asking or discussing about wedding stuff with her. I'm just simply asking her to get together, to chat and she doesn't respond or care... MyNameIsNot , you come off as a real b*tch.
    Posted by tandrosoff[/QUOTE]

    If the point is not about wedding stuff, why did you mention that you are trying to look for venues or get your friend's opinion on BM dresses? Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought BM dresses would be classified under the wedding category.

    Could it be that you talked a lot about the wedding when you were hanging out before? Now that you want to hang out, your friend might be thinking it is wedding related.

    Oh, and I agree with PP. That may not have been your point but that is the information you focused on.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    Going to have to agree with others. You are a year and a half out. Put down the bridal magazines and enjoy being engaged. :)
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
    Report Reply
  • Options
    OBX2011OBX2011 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b4c8aac1-12da-4f16-a04a-d5739d1eb5bcPost:45f04da0-f34e-45aa-9227-6977d357547b">Re: Friend Frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]banana468 & MyNameIsNot you have completely missed my point.. I'm not asking or discussing about wedding stuff with her. I'm just simply asking her to get together, to chat and she doesn't respond or care... MyNameIsNot , you come off as a real b*tch.
    Posted by tandrosoff[/QUOTE]

    No, they did not miss your point.  They just didn't give you the answer you wanted to hear and now you are throwing a fit over it. 

    I would also be very cautious of name-calling on these boards.  That is how people get banned my dear. 

    Also, BOTH of these posters have been here for quite some time so they have seen it all and heard it all and honestly, they are VERY correct in their response to you.

    I also agree with everything they said. 

    Take some time to lurk for a bit and you will probably find your exact same story about 2 pages back. 

     

    Report Reply
  • Options
    quiggels219quiggels219
    First Comment
    I don't really think you're being fair to your friend. One of my bm got a great promotion about three months ago - it had been weeks and weeks since she returned a call or an email with more than a few words about working seven days a week. But you know what when I called her at 4 am and she had to be up for trial in 2 hours because my dog was rushed to the icu (and she's my only really close friend that has a dog she loves like I love mine - and she knows my dogs better than anyone except maybe fi cause I lived with her when they were puppies) she answered immedialty and stayed on the phone while I cried hysterically until about when she had to take a shower. Even though she's crazy busy she still finds time to go to her weekly kickball league b/c she loves it - it's her only real down time right now and I woul never knock her for that. The point of my story (I think examples can help ppl see things differently) is just b/c she's working like crazy and doesn't necessarily see you during her down time doesn't make her a bad friend cause I think what really matters in a friendship is whose gonna answer the phone at 4 am not whose gonna have a martini with you on a random Saturday night. Id give your friend some time to get her work under control and be understanding and happy when she gives herself time to do something fun - not upset at her for it cause that's not being a good friend to her.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    levanlaerelevanlaere
    First Comment
    ok, I think what you are trying to get at is that you miss your friend. So putting the wedding stuff aside, you feel like she has dropped you and doesn't have time for you. I had a similar situation with a BM and she completely dropped off the face of the earth. Still to this day she has not talked to me since I asked her to be a BM. I understand that your feelings are hurt.

    I agree with the other ladies that the person who is most excited is going to be you. No one is going to be into looking at dress, flowers and venues. Hopefully when the holidays are over maybe she will start coming around.

    Try to relax and enjoy your time being engaged :)
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KfmarriedKfmarried member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b4c8aac1-12da-4f16-a04a-d5739d1eb5bcPost:6515b19e-4296-4d19-8e5a-736866462ea6">Re: Friend Frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Friend Frustration : Stop expecting her to care about your wedding.  You are more than a year out, and shouldn't have even asked BMs yet.  She obviously doesn't care about the details of your wedding, and she shouldn't be expected to (no one, except you and the groom should).  Stop sending her those emails and things.  In fact, stop sending them to everyone.  You are going to annoy everyone with wedding details between now and the wedding if you keep it up. Second, stop looking at BM dresses.  You shouldn't even begin to shop for them until about 6 months before the wedding.  Chances are, the things you are seeing now are going to be discontinued or out of style by the time you start shopping for dresses, and that you will change your mind several times.  It's exciting, but shopping too early is just a recipe for problems.   With this girl, take her at her word that she's just busy now.  People have lives.  Back off a little and give her some space.  Just because you are her friend doesn't mean you are her only friend.  Maybe she wants to spend time with other friends now?  Maybe it's just a busy time at work?  Maybe you are getting on her nerves and she just needs a breather.  That's ok.   If 6 months go by and you haven't heard from her, it may be time to re-evaluate the friendship.  If you discover that you've lost contact and don't want to be friends anymore, end the friendship.  You will probably find that if you give her a little space, she'll come to you when she's ready.  
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.  ALL of this.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Weddings (and tough times too) bring out peoples true colors.  If this behavior continues from her as you get much closer to the wedding, then cut your losses and move on.  But right now, you are doing too much too soon.  </div>
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Anniversary
    Love is friendship on fire!
    2012 Reading Challenge
    Melissa has read 0 books toward her goal of 52 books.
    hide
    Report Reply
  • Options
    kaitlyn&henrykaitlyn&henry member
    First Comment
    This is definitely a non wedding related issue...dont even mention the wedding anymore in all of this because it really sounds to me like its a friend issue. Sometimes people do not know how to ask for space...maybe she is just getting into new things, but either way its worth trying to talk to her about and let her know you miss her.

    She may think all you want to talk about is wedding stuff even when you initially text her non wedding stuff...when planning our own weddings, we are so excited about it and cant wait to talk about it that sometimes we dont realize that other people really arent as excited or it may pinch a nerve for some reason.

    Like others have already said...take a breath and just relish in being engaged! I was the same way with trying to plan and do everything so early cuz i was so excited...but it goes by so fast and youll end up looking back and wish you took advantage of the time and took it all in instead of rushing through it.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    1) That's your final and only warning.  Do not call other posters names or insinuate anything like you did to MyNameIsNot.  If you do I'll ban you.

    2) I didn't miss anything.  Stop talking about the wedding.  Call her and say that you miss her and want to know if things are OK.  But know that wedding planning is your responsibility - hers is to buy a dress and be there on the big day.  In the meantime, know that work can be stressful and be HER friend.  I'm going through a rough time at work right now and there may still be photos of me on FB having a good time. 

    Wait until after the holidays and see if things calm down.  Then if you don't hear from her, have a heart to heart about the friendship and leave the wedding out of it.  Just say that you want to get together and that you miss her.  But when it comes to your wedding make sure you lower your expectations.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b4c8aac1-12da-4f16-a04a-d5739d1eb5bcPost:45f04da0-f34e-45aa-9227-6977d357547b">Re: Friend Frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]banana468 & MyNameIsNot you have completely missed my point.. I'm not asking or discussing about wedding stuff with her. I'm just simply asking her to get together, to chat and she doesn't respond or care... MyNameIsNot , you come off as a real b*tch.
    Posted by tandrosoff[/QUOTE]

    <div>Wow.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Actually, this little display adds a lot of light to the situation. </div>
    Report Reply
  • Options
    graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b4c8aac1-12da-4f16-a04a-d5739d1eb5bcPost:05f82c57-d807-4270-ac11-5b42d36b2b68">Friend Frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids has been MIA for the past couple of months & I'm a little frustrated/annoyed with her right now. My wedding isn't until 2013 so there's not a whole lot of planning & prep work happening right now, but I am looking for reception ideas, I've found a few dresses online that I like.. things that I've been asking the other 3 girls opinions for.<strong> I've tried to get her opinion, but she doesn't respond.</strong> I've messaged her quite often just to say "hey, hows it going", "free for coffee soon", "still alive?" and the response I ALWAYS get is "so busy with work, so so busy with work...." (her profession isn't a take over life job & she always has status updates about hanging out with her other group of friends). I work fulltime & have other responsibilites outside of work, but I make time for people even if it's once a month. I'm definitely not being bridezilla in anyway right now.<strong> I just feel like this friend doesn't care about our friendship right now/wedding planning. </strong>She hasn't put in any effort for our friendship this past little while & I'm wondering if I made the right choice asking her to be a bridesmaid... Any tips or advice on how to handle the situation? I'm hoping once the new year comes, she'll put a little more effort into us? but I'm not sure if that's going to happen..
    Posted by tandrosoff[/QUOTE]

    I think that part of the issue here is that, based on the bolded statements, it sounds like you are equating friendship with involvement in your wedding plans. If that is not the case, we only have your post to go on.
     
    If you are equating friendship with involvement, then that will only lead to hurt feelings. If you are over a year away from your wedding, I can see where she would not be too interested. You may be in full-blown planning mode, but to her it is something in the distant future. Some BMs are very hands-on, and some are laissez-faire and that is ok. As much as you'd like her to be interested, it is probably best to plan on your own and ask your FI for opinions instead.

    If you want to work on your friendship, I would continue to show her that you care. Tell her that you really miss her and that you'd love to set up a time to get together when she isn't as busy. You could even venture a date and see how she responds. If she is someone you loved enough to ask to be a BM, then it is a friendship worth fighting for, not a time to think that maybe she isn't worth the slot.
    Photobucket
    Report Reply
  • Options
    frogger6673frogger6673
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b4c8aac1-12da-4f16-a04a-d5739d1eb5bcPost:8f83a71c-8b2d-4665-a909-9dce18aacb08">Re: Friend Frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]W<strong>ell, she shouldn't care about wedding planning.  That's not her job - it's yours. And if you're not getting married until 2013, she may just think, "This is too much.  I'll look at these things later." Focus on your friendship.  Stop talking about your wedding at all - and when you do, only bring up things like dress shopping around 6 mos in advance.</strong> FWIW, I think you asked too early.  You may love your friends but it's WAY too early to do anything with a bridal party at this point.
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

    This.

    It is <strong>your</strong> wedding.  No one except for you and your FI should be caring about  the wedding planning... unless they are paid to care or are paying to care. 

    You have no issue here.  She is your friend who in 2 years will be standing up in your wedding.  You should not feel bad that she is not providing input because quite simply it is not her wedding.  You are grown enough to get married, then you are grown enough to not need her input even if it would be nice for  you.

    Your wedding may be your focus.. but to her it is one day in 2013.  Soooooooooooo far away. Don't sweat it! 

    ETA:  As for the friend topic - it is obvious that you miss her and are not thinking that this is all about your day.   The PPs are right in that she may be overwhelemd by the <em>prior</em> wedding talk and assuming that you are always wanting to talk about it even if you do not think that you speak of it a lot.  With a 2013 wedding, if you have sent her stuff already  she may be freaked out a little that this will be non-stop until your wedding day.  

    Why not start by sending her a text or message just saying "Hey I thought of you today and am hoping that work is settling down for you!"  And that is it. 
    Photobucket Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    awright1983awright1983
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b4c8aac1-12da-4f16-a04a-d5739d1eb5bcPost:7a209530-7411-48da-9994-74f851557e5b">Re: Friend Frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]1) That's your final and only warning.  Do not call other posters names or insinuate anything like you did to MyNameIsNot.  If you do I'll ban you. Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

    Would that mean you "ban"ana her?
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    rfaivrecarverrfaivrecarver member
    First Comment
    When I first started using these chatrooms I posted some stuff about my dad. The responses I received made me feel dragged over the coals. I got really angry, even started crying. Actually my crying doesn't mean much I am just naturally sensitive. But once I calmed down and was able to look at the situation with my dad as they had I realized they had given me very sound advice. I also realized I should have not been so defensive I asked for advice, they gave it to me. I got mad cause it wasn't "the right kind" whatever that means. Let me tell you first of all, none of us really know the entire story and we only can give you advice based on the information received. I suggest stepping away from the situation, go do other things. Take a break from planning. Yeah planning a wedding is a lot, but it is ok to take a break it will get done, don't worry you have plenty of time. Come back to this situation in a few months and see if you feel different. I hope everything works out for you. And you know what you are ENGAGED!! How exciting!!!!!! Enjoy it!, being engaged is fun, don't let this bum you out! Lots of love Rachel
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards