Uncooperative Bridesmaid...

Belenn

So all my attendants are my cousins which totals 4.  There is one in particular that is being so uncooperative, I almost wonder if she felt obligated to be a bridesmaid when I asked her.  I did her makeup for her on her wedding day last May, and now she's not sure if she can get the Friday before the wedding off so that we can get massages, and have the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner even though I'm giving her 7 months in advance to get it off.  She doesn't want to walk down the aisle with a groomsman because she's married, and its "weird".  She also doesn't want to sit with anyone at the reception other than her husband, she doesn't want to wear the same silver heels as the other bridesmaids because everyone has different taste, and she had the nerve to ask me if it was required that she attend my bachelorette party!!!  Wtf!!!  I gave her the option to back out, but she hasn't...Any ideas as to what I can do to solve this problem?????

deepcovejackie

It's not really a problem.  The bridesmaids don't all have to wear the same shoes, maybe she could pick a style she likes in the same colour?  She shouldn't have to sit apart from her hubby at the reception.  What about a sweetheart table for you and your fiance?  It's kind of rude to split up spouses at receptions, even at a wedding.  The walk down the aisle, well, she could maybe suck that one up.  If not, have her walk alone, and put 2 GM with another BM.  I know it's your wedding, but people are not props.  I'm sure you could work it out so that you'll all have a great time.

bablingbrooke

None of my BMs could come to the rehearsal/RD.  Our wedding was on a Friday and the rehearsal/RD were on Thursday.  They couldn't make it.  They had work.

She may not GET to take the time off, even if she has notice.  Many companies won't let you submit the request until you're close to the date.  My BMs had a year's notice and couldn't take the time off.  One didn't have any vacation time left after the bach party.  The other was told she couldn't because another person already asked for the same day off and they couldn't both be off at the same time.

Of course she wants to sit with her husband at the reception.  He's her HUSBAND.  To split up a married couple at an event celebrating marriage defies logic and is very rude and bridezillaish.

Not every BM can attend the bach party.  That is SO NOT a fireable offense.

Honestly, you need to ditch your "it's all about me" mentality and realize your BM has a life outside your wedding.  You're coming across as very immature and self-absorbed.  Stop viewing your wedding as the be-all-end-all-everyone-owes-me-something and look at it for what it really is: marrying your FI.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_uncooperative-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b5cf8d44-054b-4dcb-9028-4f701e610dfaPost:399721b5-bc89-476a-9acd-45a3b146670a">Uncooperative Bridesmaid...</a>:
[QUOTE]So all my attendants are my cousins which totals 4.  There is one in particular that is being so uncooperative, I almost wonder if she felt obligated to be a bridesmaid when I asked her.  I did her makeup for her on her wedding day last May, and now she's not sure if she can get the Friday before the wedding off so that we can get massages, and have the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner even though I'm giving her 7 months in advance to get it off.  She doesn't want to walk down the aisle with a groomsman because she's married, and its "weird".  She also doesn't want to sit with anyone at the reception other than her husband, she doesn't want to wear the same silver heels as the other bridesmaids because everyone has different taste, and she had the nerve to ask me if it was required that she attend my bachelorette party!!!  Wtf!!!  I gave her the option to back out, but she hasn't...Any ideas as to what I can do to solve this problem?????
Posted by Belenn[/QUOTE]
For posterity.

amagwire

OK, yes - it does sound like it's an obligation for her.  

My question is about this massage situation the day before the wedding. Is this something you're paying for your bridesmaids, or are you expecting them to pay? 

The only thing a BM needs to do is show up on the wedding day.  Preferably sober...but other than that, there's no requirements.  

Belenn

I never said that I wanted everyone to sit together...In fact I told her that the only peeps sitting together will be me and my husband...Everyone else can sit with whomever they wish.  They all got to choose their own dresses, and I wanted at the very least for them to have matching heels, but that didn't work out...They're picking out their own.  My problem is that she's the only one that is giving me excuses for everything...Her sister is one of my bridesmaids and she's the total opposite.  I think I've been pretty darn understanding and considerate, and I'm even incorporating their favorite flower into their bouquets!!!  Her excuses sound like she may be better off helping us celebrate our union as a guest instead of a bridesmaid.  She doesn't have to attend the bachelorette party...I'd rather her not if she's going to be uncomfortable...I'm getting married in a traditional Catholic ceremony, and now she's frowning at the hour long mass!!!  I don't feel like I'm asking a lot from these girls, and I gave her a way out, but she didn't take it.  So I guess I'll just let it ride...She'll just have to play catch up on the rehearsal stuff the day of, and suck it up walking down the aisle with someone other than her husband...She's not going to sleep with the guy, GEEZ!!!!

Belenn

The massages are a gift from me...I'm a massage therapist, and I get good discounts at my place of employment...Its one of many bridesmaids gifts.

amagwire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_uncooperative-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b5cf8d44-054b-4dcb-9028-4f701e610dfaPost:5471ea48-cbdc-439f-bdb7-afcc553aab87">Re: Uncooperative Bridesmaid...</a>:
[QUOTE]The massages are a gift from me...I'm a massage therapist, and I get good discounts at my place of employment...Its one of many bridesmaids gifts.
Posted by Belenn[/QUOTE]

<div>OK, then she just sounds crazy.  If it's family though, I'd probably just deal with it and let her be as un/involved as she wants.  Hopefully she'll show up to the wedding with a good attitude.</div>

banana468

Well, she may not be into massages.  I love them but my mom would rather  you hurt her than give her one.  Seriously.  She just has issues with strangers touching her.

Beyond that, pick and choose your battles. 

Say, "It would be great if you could hang out with us on Friday but hopefully you can at least make the rehearsal and dinner."

You already are flexible with the seating which is great.

Now just be firm on the things that you know you're not changing, "You will be walking with a GM back down the aisle.  I'm going to ask you to put any feelings you have against it aside for the twenty seconds that it will be. "  She doesn't need to give birth to the guy's kids - it's just walking.

And beyond that, just be firm on ceremony stuff. 

deepcovejackie

That's nice of you to offer the massages for the WP.  But, it does sound like you're verging on firing this bm.  That usually doesn't go well.  It would be a relationship killer.  If you're not, then great.  I guess it's grin and bear it.  You're getting good advice from the pp, take it.

bablingbrooke

An hour-long wedding ceremony is a long time.  I'm Catholic and got married in a Greek Orthodox ceremony that lasts just as long and let me tell you, I too was complaining about the length before, during, and after.  

Incorporating their favorite flowers into the bouquets isn't an accommodation that means anything to them.  Sorry, no points for being an understanding bride for that one.  Otherwise you sound very accommodating--picking the dresses and shoes.  She sounds difficult, but you can't control what she does, you can only control how you respond.

If the massages are gifts, you're free to offer but she's also free to decline.  She may find in 7 months that she's free.  She may not.  Right now she probably thinks she's looking down the barrel of multiple pre-wedding events and for whatever reason (financially, already being married and "over" the whole wedding thing, other reasons) she isn't thrilled about multiple events.  Keep in mind that most people view a wedding as a 5 hour event, not a multi-day affair, even if they are in the WP.  It doesn't mean they don't love you, aren't excited for you, or don't want to be a part of things.  It's just that they may look at it as a lot of "obligations" that are fun for YOU but might not be so fun for THEM.  Know what I mean?

banana468

Also, bachelorette is an optional one for her to attend.

I agree she sounds like she's being difficult, but be flexible with stuff too. 

bablingbrooke

Also consider the timing of all of this.  You're 7 months away--7 months.  That's a really long time for everyone else.  If you're telling her "We're going to have the bach party on this date and the day before the wedding we're all getting massages at this place and XYZ is also going on" that can come off as a bit strong.  I realize that you're excited and want to do nice things, but keep in mind that having ALL of this planned out and ready to go this far out can take people aback sometimes.

jenn.daniel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_uncooperative-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b5cf8d44-054b-4dcb-9028-4f701e610dfaPost:6be83622-b518-4d3c-abfd-d24540e902f8">Re: Uncooperative Bridesmaid...</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, she may not be into massages.  I love them but my mom would rather  you hurt her than give her one.  Seriously.  She just has issues with strangers touching her.  
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I'm one of those weird people who doesn't like massages.  Well, I like them from FI , but strangers touching me makes me VERY uncomfortable.  Just thinking about it is making my heart race.

Belenn

I asked all of them if getting massages was something that they'd want to do...She did not oblige!  She told me exactly what kind of massage she wanted...She is my cousin, and if I didn't want her in my wedding, I wouldn't have asked her to participate.  She's the ONLY one giving me a bit of a hard time.  I'm ok with her not making the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony rehearsal, and the bachelorette party.  Trust me, I don't want it to be like I'm pulling teeth!  I gave her the opportunity to simply be a guest, but she stood firm on being a bridesmaid.  So thanks everyone, I will be firm on her sucking it up and walking down the aisle with her escort...afterall she's not having kids with the guy!!!

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_uncooperative-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b5cf8d44-054b-4dcb-9028-4f701e610dfaPost:32366225-9f29-4ceb-a6ba-492cf225aba3">Re: Uncooperative Bridesmaid...</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked all of them if getting massages was something that they'd want to do...She did not oblige!  She told me exactly what kind of massage she wanted...She is my cousin, and if I didn't want her in my wedding, I wouldn't have asked her to participate.  She's the ONLY one giving me a bit of a hard time.
Posted by Belenn[/QUOTE]

So what? She's being frustrating, but it sounds like she's not actually doing anything wrong. And from your next sentence - "I'm ok with her not making the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony rehearsal, and the bachelorette party" - it sounds like you're being pretty understanding about it in real life, which is great. If you just need to vent on here then go for it, but I know that sometimes it's hard to take a step back and realize that someone being difficult isn't worth getting worked up over.

[QUOTE]I gave her the opportunity to simply be a guest, but she stood firm on being a bridesmaid.
Posted by Belenn[/QUOTE]

Ohhh, this must have been a fun conversation. Please don't have it again. In general, something like "would you rather not be a BM?" comes across as "I don't really want you to be a BM" - and kicking out anyone, especially family, is no good. Again, just try not to let it get to you and think how nice it is that you've got 3 people who're being pretty easy going.

Belenn

So what? She's being frustrating, but it sounds like she's not actually doing anything wrong. And from your next sentence - "I'm ok with her not making the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony rehearsal, and the bachelorette party" - it sounds like you're being pretty understanding about it in real life, which is great. If you just need to vent on here then go for it, but I know that sometimes it's hard to take a step back and realize that someone being difficult isn't worth getting worked up over.

Her wedding was totally different...The ceremony was at the same place the reception was, she had her sister be her MOH, she didn't have a bachelorette party, bridal shower, or rehearsal of any kind. - Thats totally OK, for her.  I think its actually just something that she's not use to...Since she didn't have it she doesn't know what its about.  I'm not saying that she's doing anything wrong, she's just being difficult...And frankly I don't want to deal with it since I only intend on doing this one time.  When someone gives you excuses for more than a couple of things, its usually because they're having reservations.  She seemed to have been giving me clues.  I would like for her to be there for all of the festivities, but I understand that she has a life too, and that she may not be able to.  Now if it didn't have anything to do with her busy life away from my wedding, and it had everything to do with her not wanting to attend, then why participate from the front row?  Could it be that she'd be more comfortable being a guest?  I questioned that, but it seems that she indeed wants to be a bridesmaid.  So...on that note, as long as she shows up for the wedding, and doesn't give me anymore "excuses", I'll be fine.

bablingbrooke

This may be your only wedding, but peoples' memories will last forever.  Some people will hold grudges over things like this, even if the BM totally deserves it and you're at the end of your rope.  Do you really want to deal with years of "Belenn kicked her own cousin out of her wedding!" from everyone who doesn't know "the whole story" (which, by the way, will be everyone).

You also will. not. care about any of this one day after the wedding.  I can tell you that from personal experience with the world's worst MOH (my sister).

You're in for a very long 7 months if you can't learn to just let these things go.

gottahavashorti

It sounds like she's just not that into weddings but still wants to stand up with you.

I think that your expectation of just showing up for the wedding is a good one, and it doesn't sound like you're making her do anything that should make her uncomfortable (not letting her sit with her husband, requiring the massages or bachelorette attendance, etc).  Skipping the other events will be fine, but she does need to come to terms with the idea of walking down the aisle with a GM.  She has 7 months to get used to that idea, though.

Belenn

Right on...Thats all I'm asking from her...Show up to the ceremony and suck it up and walk down the aisle with the groomsman.  I'm standing FIRM on that. 

riverjib

At first, I thought you were being petty, but now that I've read through this whole thread, I think you're right. She is being unnecessarily difficult, and seems to think that the fact that she is already married entitles her to do whatever she wants.

While you can't expect her to take a week off to participate in all the pre-wedding activities, she should try to attend the bachelorette, since it's a party that celebrates your relationship with the women you love most. If she can't get extra time off work to do the massage thing, that's fine. It's merely a nice gesture from you to your BMs, but it's not necessary for her to go. The only thing that I would insist on is that she walks down the aisle with whomever you choose. Does she think that being married means that she's permanently attached at the hip to her husband?

I once attended a wedding with a serious boyfriend who was a GM. Not only wasn't I seated with him, but since I didn't know the bride, she stuck me in the back of the huge reception hall with her cousins, who were all kids! They kept the attendants so busy that I didn't even get a chance to catch up with my boyfriend until the cake was cut! I was uncomfortable, as so was he, since he only knew the groom, one of his friends, and his parents.

Since you're not splitting her up from her husband for the reception, I can't understand why she is being so difficult about walking down the aisle with someone else. I don't think it's inappropriate...the whole point of that tradition is to signify two families uniting, not the BMs and GMs hooking up!

riverjib

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_uncooperative-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b5cf8d44-054b-4dcb-9028-4f701e610dfaPost:ba524bdc-171d-41e4-aa39-b05f30b06671">Re: Uncooperative Bridesmaid...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to be honest, I still don't see where she's being extremely difficult.  It just sounds to me like she's a woman who cares about you as family, but isn't into all the wedding falderal.  I'm sure that having the "you don't seem interested enough in my wedding, so if you just want to be a guest, that's cool by me" pep talk probably did not help the situation either. And also, I would point out that when asked in a group about doing some such wedding activity, I have often agreed to do something that I don't particularly like just because I DON'T want to be the uncooperative one.  Maybe that's why she agreed to the massages? And, if you never intended to split her up from her husband, why did your first post talk about her insisting on sitting with him? I do however think not walking down the aisle with a GM because she's married is just plain silly, and I would stick to your guns on that.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I agree that the only thing that she is obligated to do is walk down the aisle with a GM. If she's not at least willing to participate in the wedding in what is a fairly common traditional way, she shouldn't have accepted the invitation to be a BM.

You might want to just talk to her, and ask her what is bothering her. Tell her that you didn't mean to pressure her in any way, and that you just wanted to include her in all the festivities, though you understand if she can't make it to the pre-wedding celebrations. And let her know that it's important to you that she enjoys your wedding, but the one thing that you really want is for your BMs to walk down the aisle with the GMs. Let everything else go.

tammygrotsky

Its your wedding if she does not want to go along with the game plan..Find a new bm..

Soon2bBride11

I too had issues somewhat simmilar with my BM/ SIL   (she refused to get the dress) 

The shoes are something you should consider letting the girls pick out their own... everyone not only have a different taste.. but different feet and they may be uncomfortable the entire day...... Requesting the color is ok but not the exact shoe... tell her to just get a silver shoe.....

The walking down the aisle is silly..... but what we did was had all the GM's  act as ushers and then just stand up at the alter with my FI and the girls walked down on their own.... only at the end did they walk out in pairs... but that should not be an issue (hopefully)

If you want the WP to all sit togehter here is an option that I saw at a wedding in which all of the WP had significant others.....  you sit with your hubby at a sweethart table... and on the side of your table are 2 others... one for the BM's and their dates, and one for the GM's and their dates... that way the WP is still set apart from the regular guests... but still able to sit with their dates. 
 Good Luck

banana468

And OP, please take the advice from those with ONE post with a grain of salt.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_uncooperative-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b5cf8d44-054b-4dcb-9028-4f701e610dfaPost:788a6d30-05bd-443f-a592-3c94c94950ad">Re: Uncooperative Bridesmaid...</a>:
[QUOTE]Its your wedding if she does not want to go along with the game plan..Find a new bm..
Posted by tammygrotsky[/QUOTE]

<div>This is great advice.  You know, if you want to look like a huge witch to your entire family and ruin as many relationships as possible over your wedding.  </div>

Belenn

In Response to Re: Uncooperative Bridesmaid...:

"And, if you never intended to split her up from her husband, why did your first post talk about her insisting on sitting with him?"


Its true, I never intended on splitting up the bm's from their husbands/boyfriends...We were at lunch and the other bm's were asking questions, and she threw in hers.
Posted by Belenn

iamapixie

I may be way offbase here (and a little jaded since I have recently un-bridesmaided someone), but in my experience, when girls make excuses about why they "can't" do some sort of bridesmaid-ish thing, it's usually because they don't want to. I had a bridesmaid who my mother had never met and she refused to come meet her or even come with me to the bridal store to look at bm dresses. She pointed out to me that it was "rediculous and crazy" that i was shopping for bm dresses 8 months out from the wedding (even though they needed about 4 months to come in + time for shipping to out of towners and alterations) and ended up telling me that she "had a lot going on over the next couple months" and didn't know if she'd be able to do the things I needed her to do as a bridesmaid. So, in short - this is your time to be the star....the princess bride...and you deserve that. All of your bridesmaids should be there to support you and if she isn't willing to do that, if she is going to make excuses or make it about anyone but you, in my opinion - there isnt' room for her in your wedding because you deserve better!