How to put my FSIL at ease

baystateapple

I realize this isn't a "Wedding Party" question, per se, but I wasn't sure where else to write this.

My FI's older brother and his girlfriend were dating five years before they got engaged last year.  I hadn't known them for that long when it happened, but according to everyone in the family, she was pushing for it for awhile, and FBIL wanted to take his time.  They planned their wedding for September 2010.  Two months after they got engaged, FI popped the question to me.  We decided to get married in November 2010 (we'd been talking about it for some time), a little over two months after they get married.

I really like my FSIL and I want to be close to her, since we're going to be family.  But ever since we got engaged, she's seemed very uncomfortable about the whole thing.  My FMIL constantly tells me and FI to "scale back" or "don't talk" about our wedding plans or anything related, because she doesn't want FSIL to feel like I'm "stealing her thunder."  It doesn't bother me that we have to keep everything quiet, but it does bother me that apparently we're hurting FSIL's feelings and possibly alienating her by getting married two months after she and FBIL.  Do you guys have any advice as to how I can bridge this gap?  TIA.

mbcdefg

If I were in your shoes, my choice would be not to say anything about this to her. If she's the type of self-absorbed person who wants all the attention to herself for a months-long timeframe, then nothing you say or do is going to change her bad attitude. I think you would just be wasting a lot of time and energy if you tried.

I would just continue to be nice to her, and if she still gets annoyed by your choice of wedding date then that's her problem, not yours. You absolutely do NOT owe her any kind of explanation or apology for marrying within two months of them. She'll have had her one day and then it will be over. She's only a bride for one day.

I agree with your FMIL about maybe not talking about your wedding in front of her to avoid a problem, but I don't agree that you should scale back your planning just to make her happy. Plan whatever type of wedding you desire and can afford to throw. In this case, you shouldn't have to compromise the things that YOU want just because FSIL has a ME ME ME! attitude.

lizstill13

Honestly, I would let it go. She's obviously an attention-whore and nothing you can say will change that. I wouldn't NOT talk about my wedding though just because she's not mature enough to handle it. You're both getting married, it should be a happy time for both of you and I don't think you shouldn't get to have fun because of her.

baystateapple

Thank you girls for the advice...I don't know if she's being that "selfish", I just think she's uncomfortable and doesn't know how to phrase it. 

I'm sorry, and I know this is a HUGE no-no, but I'm going to be DDing this post soon, because I don't know if she or FMIL might be reading this.  I know FMIL has a Knot profile, and I really really REALLY don't want to rock the boat any further.  I'm sorry!

CTGirl30

Honestly, it sounds like the girl is a bit insecure (if she was indeed pushing for an engagement and is now worried that someone else's wedding 2 months later will "steal her thunder" and somehow make hers any less special???).

The issue is hers, not yours. She really needs to get over herself here.  I don't think you need to "scale back" your wedding planning - plan away, do what is right for you and your FI. These are 2 seperate weddings - she will plan hers with her FI and you and your FI will plan yours. You can't cater to this sort of behavior, but you can find a balance to preserve the family harmony as best you can by not bringing it up around her more than necessary...but don't stifle yourself, either. If mutual family members ask you how things are going or express enthusiasm for you and your FI, it's okay to discuss it and to be excited, too. She's alienating herself with this behavior.