Flowergirls... touchy subject

~alis*volat* propriis~

I've run into a slight dilemma: i have a seven year old niece who I am extremely close to that will most definitely be a flowergirl in my wedding. This past summer, my fiance's brother had his wedding and they used my fiance's young cousins (ages 3 and 8) as their flowergirls. They are now 4 and 9, and my wedding isn't exactly going to be large. I don't want to have 3 flowergirls, but I'd feel bad if I asked one sister to be in the wedding and not the other one. I've already considered asking the younger one to be a flowergirl, and the older one to pass out programs, but I don't want to hurt her feelings... I feel that I have to ask them, but I'm not sure what to do.... please HELLLLLLP!

stina93446

You're not required at all to ask the other 2. If you only want the one, only ask the one. 

mbcdefg

Why are you even considering asking the cousins? You don't have to have them in your wedding just because your FI's brother had them in his.

Is his family (or your FI) pressuring you to include them?

~alis*volat* propriis~

They're not pressuring me... I think I'm just nervous that I'll hurt someone's feelings lol... I've always been that way... looks like I'll just have my niece then... I've tried to keep our wedding party strictly to people that are really close to me, and said to heck with what people think... I just didn't want to offend anyone when it came to the little girls... but thank you girls so much! That really helps!

mbcdefg

If they haven't even said anything about expecting the cousins to be flower girls, then I wouldn't even worry about it. Chances are, the parents might be relieved not to have to buy special outfits (especially since the girls will grow out of them in a few months) and have to worry about their kids getting down the aisle without a meltdown. You may be fretting over nothing.


And if they HAVE said something about wanting their kids to be in the wedding, just ignore them, because they're being rude and presumptious. The girls already had their chance to be in a wedding with your FBIL. It is absolutely not rude for you to only include your niece.

gottahavashorti

Just ask your niece.  Worst case scenario, FI's cousins learn that sometimes you are a flower girl and other times a guest.  After all, it's nice to take turns, even when it comes to being a flower girl.

Edit: Unless their parents have strong feelings of entitlement when it comes to their daughters, in which case they should get a little life lesson as well.  But it doesn't sound like you are worried about the parents' reactions so I assume they're fairly level-headed.

~alis*volat* propriis~

all of this really helps! I love being able to get on here and get the help i need from people who know EXACTLY what i'm going through! (that is, after all the point lol) Thanks again!

megk8oz

Yeah, just have the one you want. Don't worry about asking the other 2. If the family's applying pressure, then you need to debate whether or not it's worth it to cave on the issue, but if nobody's bothering you about, just do what you want and enjoy the fact that, well, nobody's bothering you, lol.

trix1223

This caught my eye:

I've tried to keep our wedding party strictly to people that are really close to me, and said to heck with what people think...

I hope you didn't mean this the way it came out.  You don't have to be really close to the people in your FI's WP.  It's also HIS WP.  If he wanted his little cousins in the WP, then they should be considered.

Normally we tell brides here that if the FI wants someone, they stand on his side, and if the bride wants someone, they stand on her side.

I'll qualify this a little bit since the two cousins are little girls and the appropriate role is FG.  In that case, I give some leeway, and if your FI thinks they should be in the wedding, they should be.

banana468

I'd ask your FI if he wants them in the wedding.

If he doesn't, just go with the one FG.  You don't need to have the same people in your wedding just because they were in another.

blackfire5th

I'll pipe in just to add that I went to a lot of weddings (big family) and was never once a flowergirl.  Once I was old enough to notice, I mentioned something to my Mom and she just told me that not everyone can be in the wedding and that it is just as special to be a guest.  I was happy with that and I think it was a good life lesson to learn.

~alis*volat* propriis~

No, I didn't mean that what my FI wants doesn't matter to me. He isn't particularly close to his cousins either. And no, apparently that didn't come across the way I meant it. It is OUR wedding, and he's extremely close to my niece as well. But we've got it figured out! I've just asked my niece, and she will be the sole flowergirl so that she can feel special in her aunt's & "uncle's" wedding. Thanks for the help!

Shawnee11507

sounds good! I have a much younger brother and sister. They will be 13 and 15 when we get married. I want them to be in the bridal party because my other sister and all FIs siblings are. I felt a little guilty for a moment because FI has a niece we are close to that will be 13 also at that time and I don't know if she will wonder why these kids got to be in the bridal party and not her when they are the same age. However, they are my siblings not niece/nephew, which is a closer relationship in my opinion. I would've asked your niece not the cousins kids b/c a niece is a closer relationship. If you get my gist here...

lilcassers

Just ask your niece. If you couldn't possibly imagine your wedding without his nieces in it, then have all 3, but it seems as though you only want to ask them to avoide bad feelings. I'm sure they will get over it.. they were already in a wedding, they should be thankful!

nuremenosh

I feel for you. I had a similar issue.

My cousin lived with us when I was younger and is now grown with two young children who are like neices and nephews to me. I would have loved to have had them but then my FI's aunt would have been upset her kids weren't included.

lestes09

Girl, I had the same problem as you!  I have 3 little girl cousins on my side, and my fiance had 3 neices on his side, that I considered to be too old to be the flower girl.  On my side I just wanted one, but I couldn't do it with out hurting the other 2's feelings.  Wel, I went ahead and had all three cousins on my side,  my grandma is helping their parents buy the dresses, but I ya, i ended up asking all three.  However, over time, I've realized its my wedding, not anyone elses, and I have felt over the last three months all I've done is explained myself and everything I've done.  Why I've done this, why I can't do that, and I brokedown the week before Thanksgiving, and I said I am done explaining everything, and now I am just going to tell them how it is.  I actually told my fiance's mom over the weekend, that I shouldn't feel like I am making excuses to her on why I did this for my wedding and not this.  Its ridiculous!  I think wedding planning would be easier if most women would keep their fat mouths shut. 

tiffany.covington

forget about everyone else's feelings but yours...