Unknowledgable Maid of Honor.

cutz3

So, I love my best friend. I want her to be my maid of honor. I was her maid of honor in her wedding (so I guess technically she would be my matron of honor). But she has no clue about wedding etiquette.

A wedding was not important to her. She only cared about being married. Her wedding, which was fine for her, was pulled off in less then 2 months. She had a simple ceremony, an uncoordinated reception, and I did none of the things a MOH should have done. I offered to do things for her, told her to call me. I ended up running around during the wedding day and helping with set up. But that's not how I want my wedding to be. 

I'm worried that when I ask her to be my MOH that she won't understand what she is expected to do. I'm also worried that she won't have time to help me with the things I want her opinion on (like ordering thank you cards, picking cake flavors, wedding dress shopping, etc.) She and her husband are still in school, both working, renovating a house, and she's active in a sorority. I don't want to add to her plate, but I also want her to share this with me. 

lyndausvi

She is who she is.  I'm the same way (although my wedding was more organized).  My friends know that about me and still had me as their MOH. 

They were smart enough not to expect me to do that kind of stuff.   I did help from time to time. But for the most part everything you mentioned their moms, sisters, other BM and ::gasp:: their DH's helped with.

Your MOH should be your best friend in life, not someone who does the most wedding related things with you.

My advice is have your FI do all the things you  wish she would do.  It's his wedding, not your MOH.  If she wants to help great.  But do not overthink her lack of interest being a bad friend. 

Her own wedding already tells you how she views weddings, you certainly can not expect her to be more interested in your wedding than she was her own.

banana468

Ditto Lynda 100%.

I wouldn't expect any more of her than buying the dress and showing up.

However if you're just looking for input, I don't think there's anything wrong with sending her a link once or twice and saying, "Hey, what do you think of this?"

Keep in mind though that if your MOH was low key about her own wedding, her feelings aren't going to change about yours.

Mrs.B6302007

I'm worried that when I ask her to be my MOH that she won't understand what she is expected to do. I'm also worried that she won't have time to help me with the things I want her opinion on (like ordering thank you cards, picking cake flavors, wedding dress shopping, etc.) She and her husband are still in school, both working, renovating a house, and she's active in a sorority. I don't want to add to her plate, but I also want her to share this with me.


She's not expected to DO anything except be at the wedding in her dress. If you want her opinion on stuff, ask her but don't expect her to be excited for your wedding if she didn't even care about her own.  And definitely don't be disappointed if/when she doesn't get excited.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unknowledgable-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b95c7ba1-6276-42a8-947a-e5d13ed62471Post:2fc2ea5e-a47c-4d78-b283-307180c30803">Unknowledgable Maid of Honor.</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm worried that when I ask her to be my MOH that she won't understand what she is expected to do. I'm also worried that she won't have time to help me with the things I want her opinion on (like ordering thank you cards, picking cake flavors, wedding dress shopping, etc.) She and her husband are still in school, both working, renovating a house, and she's active in a sorority. I don't want to add to her plate, but I also want her to share this with me. 
Posted by cutz3[/QUOTE]

1- So what are YOU expecting her to do. If you see MOH as a job instead of an honor, then that's where your problems start. While there are certain things that MOHs often do (showers, b-parties, etc), these are not wrote. THey are gifts that she gives to you. It is rude to expect a gift. Ever.

2- WHile you may want her opinion, if she isn't into wedding stuff, then she is more than likely not going to HAVE a strong opinion and will say "whatever you want" . THis is your and your FI's wedding. The 2 of you get to plan it any way you want.

3- Ordering THankyou cards? I think you are overthinking this. THe note that you hand write inside the card is way more important than the card itself. YOU can find perfectly adequate Thank YOu cards at your local WalMart or Target. If you do want to order fancier ones, then pick them out with your FI. The 2 of you will be writing them, not your MOH. The only time she needs to see one is when she gets one in the mail.

4- My MOHs are my sisters and they are out of state. I had 2 other, non WP friends, who wanted to go dress shopping with me. While it might be nice to have her there, if she is not interested in fashion and weddings, she might not really have an opinion. That doesnt make her a bad friend at all. FWIW, I can barely dress myself conherently on any given day, so I wouldn't feel comfortable telling ANY of my friends what they should wear, but that doesn't make me any less of a friend. Take someone who is interested in dress shopping. It will be fun, I promise.

5- If you have these expectations, and they arent duties, but rather experiences you would like to have with her, you can always just ask her to go with you and/or give an opinion. If she doesn't want to do it, or doesnt have time to do it on your schedule, she will tell you. Then you can do these things by yourself, with your FI, or with another friend. However, you know she is not interested in weddings and she is still your best friend. Making her MOH doesnt change who she is.

6- I will reinterate- NEVER expect a party in your honor. It is a gift, not a duty.

duckie1905

Ditto the others ladies.  She's unlikely to change who she is just because you are getting married and "expect" her to do things.  Your MOH should be the person you are closest to not the person that will do the most for your wedding.

stina93446

Ditto again Lynd....

And OP, I was in a wedding where my friend ALSO knew nothing about weddig etiquette and I was running around the day of. She was stress free, but not me! My wedding was the opposite.

mbcdefg

She is not obligated to do anything except buy the dress and show up to the wedding. A MOH is chosen as such because she's your closest friend, not because of what she can do for you.

Many Maids of Honor do more, but that is because they love the bride and want to help her out. Not because it's a job or a duty.

Most good friends will ask you, "Can I help with something?" Or it's fine to politely say, "Hey, if you have the time I would love some help/your opinion with XYZ."

Just don't get pissy if she can't do it and say that she's a "bad bridesmaid". Because, again, it's not her obligation as MOH to help you plan your wedding (the only person who is obligated to help is your fiance.) Especially since you said she has a lot of other stuff going on in her own life right now.

SarahPLiz

Oh, and if she was more focused on the marriage than on the wedding day, then perhaps she is not as unknowledgable as you think she is. That is the ultimate goal of a wedding day, after all, no matter how you package it...

MyNameIsNot

You are the one that is confused about wedding etiquette.  A MOH isn't supposed to do anything but get a dress and show up.  MOH is a title that you use to honor your friend, not to obligate them to perform tasks.  If she wants to, she can offer to throw parties or help you with wedding planning.  Those things are all optional, though, and not only available to the MOH.  If another friend or relative wants to throw you a shower, they can.  If another friend or relative wants to go dress shopping with you, they can. 

If you need help with wedding planning, your FI is the person you should go to.  It's his wedding, too.  If it's too much for the two of you, cut back or hire a planner.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]So, I love my best friend. I want her to be my maid of honor. I was her maid of honor in her wedding (so I guess technically she would be my matron of honor). But she has no clue about wedding etiquette. A wedding was not important to her. She only cared about being married. Her wedding, which was fine for her, was pulled off in less then 2 months. She had a simple ceremony, an uncoordinated reception, and I did none of the things a MOH should have done. I offered to do things for her, told her to call me. I ended up running around during the wedding day and helping with set up. But that's not how I want my wedding to be.  I'm worried that when I ask her to be my MOH that she won't understand what she is expected to do. I'm also worried that she won't have time to help me with the things I want her opinion on (like ordering thank you cards, picking cake flavors, wedding dress shopping, etc.) She and her husband are still in school, both working, renovating a house, and she's active in a sorority. I don't want to add to her plate, but I also want her to share this with me. 
Posted by cutz3[/QUOTE]

I'm not seeing a problem here or how this is related to wedding etiquette.  Your FI can help you with things like thank you cards and cake flavors.  You can ask your mom or a friend to go dress shoping with you. 

It sounds like she may share your excitement about the marriage, just don't keep your hopes up on her being excited about the wedding.  Expect her to purchase and wear a dress, smile for pictures, and probably sign the marriage license.

megk8oz

The only person that "should" help plan your wedding is your FI.

The only thing anybody in your WP is "required" to do is get the attire, and show up wearing it. Anything else that they choose to do (Without you bullying them into it) is just icing on the cake.

It's not your MOH's job to pick invitations and assemble favors. It's very clear from how her own wedding went that she doesn't care about this sort of thing. If she didn't do it for her own wedding, what makes you think she "should" be doing it for yours?

If you really want somebody to do a certain "job", then hire a professional and pay them to do it. Your WP is not your unpaid staff.

megk8oz

Oh, and BTW, my wedding is in less than 2 weeks, and I've managed to do everything, aside from order BM dresses without any help from any of my attendants.

My shower, which was a gift, not a right, was thrown by one of FI's male cousins who isn't even in the BP. He loves throwing parties, so he went nuts.
 
As far as picking things goes, my FI, my mom and occasianally my grandma have been helping me. There was a month where FI was away on business, if my mom and grandma were busy, I did whatever needed to be done myself.

And my wedding isn't going to be the uncoordinated mess I'm sure you're currently envisioning. It's just not that hard to plan a nice wedding if you get your priorities in line.

aerinpegadrak

Before I got engaged, I didn't care remotely about weddings.  I thought they were a massive waste of time, energy, and money.  One of my close friends got married while I was in this phase, and while she confided a few wedding details in me (particularly her centerpieces, which were gorgeous sculptures she spent months working on, that were secret from everyone else), she really didn't come to me with anything until it was already done, which I was grateful for.  It was a major deal for her, but it was just kind of a blip on my radar, because it was something exciting that was happening to someone else.

And honestly, it's better to be able to focus on what you and your FI want for your wedding than to have to deal with a bunch of other people trying to influence it.  I sometimes wish my MOH weren't so interested, because some of the things she suggests aren't really what I have in mind.

It sounds like what you really need is a wedding planner.  I'm sure they'd be happy to field all of your questions and provide their opinions and insight on anything you might wish, because they're being paid to do so.

mbcdefg

I will ditto those who said that wedding planning is really not that complicated. Nobody ever really "needs" help ... and if you do, it's because you've taken on more than you can handle and you need to scale back. Weddings will only be as stressful and difficult as YOU make it.

I've researched everything on my own (your local board is a great resource for this), contacted every vendor, made decisions on my own, etc. All my BM and MOH did was come to one dress shopping trip apiece, and that was because I asked them to, not because they HAD to. BM also bought me some flower vases because she was going to a craft store anyway and knew I needed them.

And of course FI has made decisions, too ... he's either offered his opinion on something on his own ("Hey, I'd really like a cool car instead of a basic limo, have you found anything like that in your research?"), or I've asked him to help me pick something. If he looks like a deer in headlights when you ask him to make a decision, then try narrowing down the choices instead of just asking him to come up with something. For example, when I asked FI what kind of boutonniere he wanted for him and his GMs, I got a blank stare. When I showed him three photos and asked which one he wanted, I got a pretty quick answer. So if you need help, FI should be the first person you turn to.

It's fine to ask a friend to help, but it's rude to outright expect it just because she's a bridesmaid/MOH.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]If he looks like a deer in headlights when you ask him to make a decision, then try narrowing down the choices instead of just asking him to come up with something. For example, when I asked FI what kind of boutonniere he wanted for him and his GMs, I got a blank stare. When I showed him three photos and asked which one he wanted, I got a pretty quick answer. So if you need help, FI should be the first person you turn to. It's fine to ask a friend to help, but it's rude to outright expect it just because she's a bridesmaid/MOH.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

Definitely try this approach.  It works really well for us.  Whoever has stronger opinions on something picks out something and the other agrees or vetoes it, and if not then the one with the stronger opinion picks several options they'd be happy with and the other makes the final choice.

SocialWorker2B

Everyone already gave you great advice but I wanted to second the pp who said they planning their whole wedding themselves without any input from their BMs.

I didn't have any BMs - my mom was the MOH and his mom was the 'best man' but those titles were more of a joke really. My mom and his planned the shower - yay! We actually went with one of our friends (just the three of us) to Foxwoods for the wekeend for our 'bachelor-ette party.' 

You can plan your own wedding without help from the BMs! He!!, you could plan your own wedding without help from your FI! Lol. Maybe to make it easier on yourself and on her, maybe ask for her help with one specific thing at a time? I am sure she would be interested in dress shopping! But very small details - yeah, involve your other BMs, your mom, your FI or just do it youself.

GL! :-)

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unknowledgable-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b95c7ba1-6276-42a8-947a-e5d13ed62471Post:2fc2ea5e-a47c-4d78-b283-307180c30803">Unknowledgable Maid of Honor.</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I love my best friend. I want her to be my maid of honor. I was her maid of honor in her wedding (so I guess technically she would be my matron of honor). But she has no clue about wedding etiquette. A wedding was not important to her. She only cared about being married. Her wedding, which was fine for her, was pulled off in less then 2 months. She had a simple ceremony, an uncoordinated reception, and I did none of the things a MOH should have done. I offered to do things for her, told her to call me. I ended up running around during the wedding day and helping with set up. But that's not how I want my wedding to be.  I'm worried that when I ask her to be my MOH that she won't understand what she is expected to do. I'm also worried that she won't have time to help me with the things I want her opinion on (like ordering thank you cards, picking cake flavors, wedding dress shopping, etc.) She and her husband are still in school, both working, renovating a house, and she's active in a sorority. I don't want to add to her plate, but I also want her to share this with me. 
Posted by cutz3[/QUOTE]

Did you get the dress, show up on time, stand next to her during the ceremony, and give her emotional support?  Then you <strong>did </strong>do everything a MOH should have done.  Those are the duties of a MOH.  Not helping you plan and helping you make decisions.  It's also not her "job" to throw you a shower or bachelorette party. 

Your MOH should be the person to whom you are closest, the one without whom you can't imagine getting married, not the one who can do the most wedding-related chores.  If it's too much for you and your fiance to handle you should hire a wedding planner or scale back.  Your friend may enjoy wedding-related activities and volunteer to help, or she may not.  If wedding planning is not her thing or she is too busy with her own life that does not make her a bad MOH.

AmandaS23

FWIW, my family and all of my BMs live 12-16 hours away from me and where the wedding is going to be.  Want to know who helped me pick cake flavors, find vendors, and stuff invitations?  My FI because it's his wedding too.  No one is giving me a shower or a b-party, but I don't care.  I didn't pick my BMs because they could do stuff for me, I picked them because they are my dearest friends.

trix1223

I like weddings, and I'd be bored to tears picking out TY cards.  Really?  Your expectations are WAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY too high.

Scale back on those expectations.  Plan your own wedding.  Execute your own wedding.  If you can't do that, hire a wedding planner.

Be happy that your friend stands next to you.~because that's about the sum total of her "duties".

Oh-and stop reading wedding websites and magazines, and stop watching wedding tv shows.  They exist, not to give you good advice and guidance, but to sell the "stuff" that their advertisers want you to buy.  

irishxmyst

I totally agree with all the PPs.  MOH is an honor, not a job.  Anything she does extra is a gift.

 If such things like dress shopping are experiences you want with her because she's your best friend and you'd love to have her there then ask her, "hey I wanted to try on some dresses.  i was wondering if you'd be free to come sometime?"  See how she responds.  Or have a casual chat with her about your ideas for your wedding (themes, colors, whatever).  See how she responds.  If she has a very nonchalant attitude like she did with her wedding then you can't expect any different.  But on the other hand, she might be more into it then you know.  Curb your expectations, and you might end up being surprised.

FWIW, I bring this up because of my own experience.  I chose my MOH bc she's been my best friend for 10 years.  I really didn't expect her to be into this wedding planning stuff bc she's not really into weddings/marriages herself.  She decided marriage really isn't for her (she likes long term relationships without the legal stuff attached), and I know if she was to have a wedding, she'd want something very casual on the beach at sunrise and her reception would be a backyard kegger, and wouldn't give 2 canaries about china, linens, or floral arches.  Basically her idea of a wedding is the exact opposite of mine.  All this being said, I never expected it but she's totally gotten into helping with mine.  Immediately she was all excited and asked me what I wanted help with, wanted to know what my idea of a shower and a bachlorette party would be, etc.  She mostly has been helping me with the BM stuff (she's totally into fashion so helping with BM dresses is up her alley).  She also came with FI and me to when we went to see our wedding venue, and I like getting her opinion on things.  While FI and I are doing most of the planning ourselves, my MOH has been a good "reality check" for me on remembering what's most important and what is frivolous nonsense. 

The point I'm trying to make is you should pick your MOH because she's your best friend and that's the cake.  Anything else is icing, but you *may* turn out surprised.  Maybe she does know a lot about what MOH's "typically" do (although are not required to) and maybe she didn't want it for her own wedding, but *may* do it for yours.  Who knows.  But remeber always be gracious.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unknowledgable-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b95c7ba1-6276-42a8-947a-e5d13ed62471Post:9f5465b6-2e59-42a6-9d2e-3ea4d74145d4">Re: Unknowledgable Maid of Honor.</a>:
[QUOTE]FWIW, my family and all of my BMs live 12-16 hours away from me and where the wedding is going to be.  Want to know who helped me pick cake flavors, find vendors, and stuff invitations?  My FI because it's his wedding too.  No one is giving me a shower or a b-party, but I don't care.  I didn't pick my BMs because they could do stuff for me, I picked them because they are my dearest friends.
Posted by AmandaS23[/QUOTE]

Wow, ditto to all of this - Chile's about 16 hours by plane from CA. Even if I'd been home, my MOH is in med school on the east coast, and my two BMs who live in SF both work for a start up, so it's not like anyone has a whole lot of free time. The one BM who lives in Chile is a wedding photog, so she's happy to talk weddings all day long, but again she's super busy getting her business up and running, so she hasn't actually helped with anything. Her only "job" will be to hang out with my other BMs when they come down for the wedding, but that's because they all want to get to know each other, not because they're BMs.

This idea of needing BMs to help you is pushed on us. The truth is that I am organizing a formal wedding for 170 people, and I don't feel stressed at all because <em>I decided I wouldn't let something that's supposed to be fun become a stressful experience</em>. Of course there have been moments of frustration, but overall FI and I have enjoyed it and haven't needed help from anyone.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I don't have an MOH. My mom went dress shopping with me. My FI has the final say on things we pick for the wedding. One of my BMs ended up seeing the venues we chose along with FI and my mom. When SHE asks about wedding planning, I show her my most recent ideas. Other than that, I don't really care. I would never assume my friends would be interested in what my TY cards look like. *I'm* barely interested in what my TY cards look like.

RaiKai

Your MOH is not your servant. I would hope you would choose whoever is closest to you to be your MOH, because you feel close to her - not because she has wonderful wedding planning skills. That is what a WEDDING PLANNER is for. Further, this wedding is about you and your FI - not you and your MOH. Why would your MOH be "expected" to help you pick out TY cards?

And I ditto those who say wedding planning is NOT that complicated.  FI and I do not have attendants, and have done all the "planning" ourselves on our own dime, and put it together in a little under 3 months.  We also care more about the marriage then the wedding (isn't that what it should be?), and are still managing to have a beautiful ceremony that fits for us. We don't expect everything to be perfect, and we are more than okay with that. It does not mean either of us could not plan something more elaborate if we chose to, nor does it mean we are clueless.

cutz3

Just to clarify.
My FI and talk about everything. I've told my mom over and over that this is OUR wedding, not just mine. I want it to be just as special for him as it is for me. 
I think my largest fears are rooted in how her wedding was. I had wanted to be a part of that moment in her life. I wanted to get excited with her, to go dress shopping with her, to look at venues with her and her now hubby, not because I really cared about those things but because I wanted to share the experiences with her. I wanted to help. I told her to call me for absolutely everything and got accidentally pushed out. I guess in someways I'm afraid that she will push herself out of those experiences in my wedding planning process. 
Thank you to everyone for a little slice of perspective. I will be asking my bff to be my MOH. In recent conversations she has calmed some of my fears. 
Thank you in particular to irishxmyst, I really took your post to heart. I think your situation is similar to what mine will be.

cutz3

The things I listed above <div>
</div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">[QUOTE] I'm also worried that she won't have time to help me with the things I want her opinion on (like ordering thank you cards, picking cake flavors, wedding dress shopping, etc.)[/QUOTE]</span></div><div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></font></div><div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">I don't expect her to be with me every single step of the way. I was listing examples of wedding planning decisions. What I want is experiences with her.</span></font></div><div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></font></div><div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">Yes, my FI and I will pick out cake flavors together. I want to know that he'll like the cake that will be smeared all over his face <span style="font-family:Arial, sans-serif;font-size:11px;" class="Apple-style-span"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /></span></span></font></div>