Advice on being a BM- long...!

golden1215

I am a BM in a friend's wedding 2 weeks before my own this coming fall.  She lives one state away but her sister (MOH) just told me that all of her festivites (shower, bach party and wedding) are 2 states away- about a 6.5 hour drive one way.

I agreed to be a BM because we are close but I had no idea how expensive things would get.  We ordered dresses that, after huge discounts, were $250 and will need to be tailored before the wedding since I'm on a diet in prep for my own wedding and the place we bought them from wouldn't just let me get, say a certain size that I know I can get down into.  So okay, dresses bought and paid for- that's out of the way.  She has also had conversations with me many times that in her (upper class) social circle a standard wedding gift is $300... which is SO not the case in my circle.  I don't think she assumes all her friends will give that but even having the conversation made me feel cheap...

Then she wanted me to go to the salon- at 7 am- the morning of the wedding to get my hair done. I am actually really good at doing my own hair but the bothersome part is I am going to her wedding solo with my 2.5 year old daughter who is her flower girl.  So, knowing I have myself and a 2 yr old to get ready for an 11:00 ceremony she asks me to the salon.  I flat out said no to that and she finally let up after things like "well you don't have to get your hair done you can just hang out with us".... wah??

Now, I am deciding what I do about the shower/bachparty/wedding themselves.  My fiance works weekends so every event I go to means I either drag my daughter with- which obviously to a bach party isnt happening- or my fiance misses work (and money).  I asked her sister which event was most important- shower or party- and I'd be sure to make it to that one and try to make it to the other.  To which she said basically since I'm in the wedding party I need to be there for everything. 

I am the bread winner of our family while my fiance finishes his degree and was laid off 6 weeks ago.  On top of that we are savings for our wedding which we are paying for all on our own. 

She has been accomdating; her mother is paying for the bridal parties' hotel rooms the saturday of the wedding (which I'm sure was brought up in the first place because of my broke ass) and she paid for the shipping for all of our dresses.  I in no way expect her to cheapen her wedding so that I am more comfortable- its her day!

But how do I respectfully decline some of the pre-wedding events because I just honestly cannot afford them????  I am also concerened that I am bringing my daughter solo to an hour long Catholic wedding and when I mentioned not being able to stand with her the whole time if my kid gets loud she made me seem like I was overreacting.  Would you want a screaming kid, even if it was your flower girl, in the middle of your very fancy wedding??    

Advice please!  Do I have to go to all events?  Can I go to the bach party and just send a gift for the shower?  Do I have to go to any events outside the wedding?

AutumnFair

No you don't have to go to any of these events. Showers, bach parties, etc are just icing on the cake for the bride. It is NOT mandatory. You need to tell the bride your situation (I know it might be hard but its better that she knows your situation then be left in the dark and assume things). You can choose whatever events you attend and give gifts. If the bride can't understand your situation then she doesn't sound like a very good friend. 

bablingbrooke

You absolutely do NOT have to go to all those events.  My goodness.  Just be honest with her.  If she throws a fit or gets upset you'll see what kind of friend she really is.  I wish you luck--I know this is a difficult time.  My DH was out of work for awhile (he's the sole breadwinner while I'm in grad school) so I really feel for you

gottahavashorti

That is a lot for a BM dress.  She should have asked what your budget was or you could have said that it was out of your budget, but it was right to order the dress in your current size.  Even if you're trying to lose weight, it is hard to tell how much weight someone will lose and whether it will change their clothing size or just make them toned.  It's easier to take a dress in than let it out.

It's not okay to mandate pro hair at a salon of the bride's choice.  Go ahead and do your hair and your daughter's or go elsewhere if you wish, she'll be okay having two less people with her that morning and your daughter will probably be more likely to make it through the ceremony.

I don't get why she would be discussing the average wedding gift price in her area.  Don't feel obligated to spend that much, not giving $300 to someone who sounds entitled =/= cheap.

You do not have to be there for everything.  If you lived nearby and were ditching last minute to party, then you would be a bad/flaky friend, but you have legitimate reasons.  You have to be there for the wedding ceremony.  And at that, if your FI isn't going to be at the ceremony and your daughter starts fussing, I think it's within your rights to exit quietly out of the sanctuary with your daughter.  Her guests will appreciate it.

If you want to go to the bach party and send a gift for the shower, go for it.  RSVPing "no" should suffice, or just let the host know that you were unable to arrange childcare in order to travel.

MyNameIsNot

The only things you are required to do as a BM are get a dress and show up for the wedding.  Anything else you choose to do is icing on the cake, and your friend needs to understand that.  Sure, it would be great if you could go to some of the parties, but if you can't it's ok.  Just let her know that travelling for pre-wedding parties is not an option for you right now.  If you have the budget, send a gift, but don't be caught up in her (rude) comments about expensive gifts.  I had 2 OOT BMs.  One came to the b-party, the other did not.  Neither came to my shower.  Having just the one take the time and spend the money was so huge to me.  

The same goes for the hair.  Let her know that getting yourself and your daughter ready is enough of a project that hanging out in a salon all morning would just be impossible, but then be prompt about showing up at whatever time she needs you there for pics.  If you think you can, you could show up at the salon for the last 30 minutes or so before they have to leave.

At the ceremony itself, don't worry.  I've been to tons of catholic weddings, and they've always seated the WP in the front row during the ceremony.  You sit, stand and kneel with the rest of the congregation.  When you sit, quietly signal to your daughter to sit next to you, and keep her quiet during the ceremony.  The church coordinator will probably tell you to do it this way at the rehearsal.  If she starts to act up, quickly carry her outside, just as you would during any other church service.  

SarahPLiz

Ditto PPs. And you don't have to give her a gift that is customary for her circle. Give her a gift that is in your budget, and don't feel bad about it. If she is anything less than a gracious recipient, then she's not as good a friend as you thought she was.

mm45737

i had 6 BM, 3 lived out of state- and not just a few hours away(i'm in CA, they are in WY, FL, and CO). those three missed my shower, my bachelorette party, and pretty much everything except the wedding. i never expected them to attend or even try to attend those things. they were invited and welcome obviously, and of course i would have loved them to be there, but life happens and people can't do EVERY pre-wedding event. just talk to the bride, and explain it's not possible for you to be at both. even if you want to decline both, she should understand if she is a true friend. good luck!!!

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-being-bm-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ba369ed9-7810-48ee-a100-e6b0873e5fc8Post:43b7a7bc-66ef-4d8d-ae20-da0ef8da3399">Advice on being a BM- long...!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a BM in a friend's wedding 2 weeks before my own this coming fall.  She lives one state away but her sister (MOH) just told me that all of her festivites (shower, bach party and wedding) are 2 states away- about a 6.5 hour drive one way. I agreed to be a BM because we are close but I had no idea how expensive things would get.

We ordered dresses that, after huge discounts, were $250 and will need to be tailored before the wedding since I'm on a diet in prep for my own wedding and the place we bought them from wouldn't just let me get, say a certain size that I know I can get down into.  So okay, dresses bought and paid for- that's out of the way.  She has also had conversations with me many times that in her (upper class) social circle a standard wedding gift is $300... which is SO not the case in my circle.  I don't think she assumes all her friends will give that but even having the conversation made me feel cheap...

Then she wanted me to go to the salon- at 7 am- the morning of the wedding to get my hair done. I am actually really good at doing my own hair but the bothersome part is I am going to her wedding solo with my 2.5 year old daughter who is her flower girl.  So, knowing I have myself and a 2 yr old to get ready for an 11:00 ceremony she asks me to the salon.  I flat out said no to that and she finally let up after things like "well you don't have to get your hair done you can just hang out with us".... wah??

Now, I am deciding what I do about the shower/bachparty/wedding themselves.  My fiance works weekends so every event I go to means I either drag my daughter with- which obviously to a bach party isnt happening- or my fiance misses work (and money).  I asked her sister which event was most important- shower or party- and I'd be sure to make it to that one and try to make it to the other.  To which she said basically since I'm in the wedding party I need to be there for everything.  I am the bread winner of our family while my fiance finishes his degree and was laid off 6 weeks ago.  On top of that we are savings for our wedding which we are paying for all on our own.  She has been accomdating; her mother is paying for the bridal parties' hotel rooms the saturday of the wedding (which I'm sure was brought up in the first place because of my broke ass) and she paid for the shipping for all of our dresses.  I in no way expect her to cheapen her wedding so that I am more comfortable- its her day! But how do I respectfully decline some of the pre-wedding events because I just honestly cannot afford them????

I am also concerened that I am bringing my daughter solo to an hour long Catholic wedding and when I mentioned not being able to stand with her the whole time if my kid gets loud she made me seem like I was overreacting.  Would you want a screaming kid, even if it was your flower girl, in the middle of your very fancy wedding??     Advice please!  Do I have to go to all events?  Can I go to the bach party and just send a gift for the shower?  Do I have to go to any events outside the wedding?
Posted by golden1215[/QUOTE]

Ditto PP, you don't have to do anything outside of buy the dress and show up. I would just play it by ear with the actual wedding ceremony. If you need to take you daughter out, then do so at the time. If not, then gravy.

emilyinchile

Don't worry, as PPs have said you're doing everything right. Just talk to her and say what you've told us - that for money and childcare reasons, you can't do everything you want to but are hoping to be there for whichever event is more important to her. Good luck!

CTGirl30

Advice please!  Do I have to go to all events?  Can I go to the bach party and just send a gift for the shower?  Do I have to go to any events outside the wedding?

No, you do not have to attend all pre-wedding parties. These are not mandatory events for bridesmaids.

Sure, you can go to just the bach party and send a gift to the shower.

You actually don't have to go to ANY events outside of the wedding if your schedule / financial situation are such that it's very difficult for you to do so.

It doesn't make you a bad friend if you cannot afford to participate in every single pre-wedding party or can't necessarily arrange for child care for each event -  nor does it mean you don't support your friends' marriage to her FI. It simply means you have quit a bit to juggle in your own life between yours and your FI's work schedules, your young child, and trying to save for your own wedding while trying to be there for your friend who's also getting married.

Give whatever gift you feel comfortable doing so within your own budget. It doesn't matter what someone else's norm is - just b/c in one circle it might be the norm to give a $300 gift it does NOT mean that everyone is comfortable doing so or should follow suit. Hopefully your friend will be appreciative& gracious  that you gave her a gift and not be tallying up the pricetag in her mind...eesh.  

banana468

And THIS is one of those times where brides begin to be BAD friends.  How sad for you OP!