BM Issue

kt126406

We recently got engaged, and the wedding is not until Dec. of 2011. Approximately a month and a half ago, a friend and I were talking and she asked who I would have in my wedding. I told her my two definites, and said I wasn't sure that I had about three other "maybes" for my third person and that she was one of the "maybes". Well, now that we're engaged she assumes she's in the wedding even though I haven't asked anyone yet. How do I address this? Because the wedding's so far away I'm not sure who I will decide on? 

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbe130a8-9eb7-4b08-a97f-e23100504ccaPost:4d27d440-be88-4745-be87-7313a06f5017">BM Issue</a>:
[QUOTE]We recently got engaged, and the wedding is not until Dec. of 2011. Approximately a month and a half ago, a friend and I were talking and she asked who I would have in my wedding. I told her my two definites, and said I wasn't sure that I had about three other "maybes" for my third person and that she was one of the "maybes". Well, now that we're engaged she assumes she's in the wedding even though I haven't asked anyone yet. How do I address this? Because the wedding's so far away I'm not sure who I will decide on? 
Posted by kt126406[/QUOTE]

<div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:Times;font-size:medium;line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-repeat:initial;background-attachment:initial;-webkit-background-clip:initial;-webkit-background-origin:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">You should not even be picking bms until at least a year out. If she asks, just tell her that it's too soon to decide who else is in the wedding. It's her own fault for assuming, but if you pick too soon, you may be sorry. People that get asked way early get burnt out on wedding stuff real fast and then we have brides coming here asking why their bms don't want to help them do anything....please wait.</div></span></div>

bablingbrooke

Just say "We aren't even thinking about that yet" if she brings it up again or if anyone else asks you.  You've got almost 2 years to go, it would be insane to pick your WP anytime before Dec of this year.

SaraAndrew2010

Ouch.  You shouldn't have told your friend that she was a maybe.  My wedding is December 2010 and I haven't asked anyone other than my sister who will be my MOH.  I've had friends/relatives ask who I was having in my BP, but so far I've just brushed it off and told them I haven't started thinking about it yet.

By telling your friend that she was a maybe, you put yourself in a really weird position.  Now if you don't choose her, she'll feel bad because she was on the border line and will wonder why she got kicked out.  Either suck it up and ask her officially to be a BM or sit down with her and say, "I'm sorry I speculated so far in advance about my potential BMs.  I didn't mean to mean to put you in an awkard situation.  It's really much too early for me to pick my BMs, and I'm going to wait until much closer to the wedding to decide."

emilyinchile

Ditto Stina. And don't tell anyone else that they're a "maybe" - how will they feel if/when they end up not being a BM and know that they were right there in the running but weren't quite good enough after all?

Also, why 3 people? If it's for symmetry reasons, please check out some bios with uneven WPs and read some posts on the topic...people are more important than numbers, and you don't need to cut a good friend (or add someone who's not as close) just because you and your FI decided on an arbitrary number.

bablingbrooke

I also want to ditto on the "maybes"--why on earth would you tell someone that she's a "maybe"?  What possible good can come of that?

trix1223

How exactly does one say to someone that they're a "maybe"?

"Well, I'm not sure who I want.  I mean I have two people who I love and certainly want with me.  And then there are three others who might be good enough, but might not make the cut.  Oh....you're in that group!  Aren't you honored?"

II'm afraid you've really put your foot in it, IMO.

 I'd be waiting until at least Mar. 2011 to ask anyone.  Maybe by that time you'll have a clearer picture and perhaps the relationship with your quasi-friend will have become clearer.

Why should you wait?  Scroll down this board and read the countless posts from brides who asked almost 2 years ahead, and are now asking how to fire a BM.

There's absolutely NOTHING for a BM to do until about 4-6 months before a wedding anyway.  So wait.  You'll thank us.  The other ladies have told you how to answer when you're asked who's in the WP.

SarahPLiz

Telling someone they are a maybe is just rude, especially if you tell them they are in competition with 2 other girls for 1 spot. Just ask them all or none. Don't make it a competition... Uneven sides are fine.

banana468

Please don't tell anyone that she's a "maybe". 

Now that the cat's out of the bag a bit, just say, "I'm so sorry if I mislead you.  I haven't picked the BP yet and won't for a year or so,"

suz62984

You told her she was a maybe????  Just tell her you aren't thinking about it yet. If you aren't getting married until Dec 2011 you shouldn't consider BMs until Jan-Feb 2011.  Trust me, picking them now will turn into a major headache!

kt126406

Just to clarify...I wasn't engaged when we were discussing wedding parties.  And no one has been asked yet.  However, she made the comment last week when I told her we were engaged that she needed to 'start losing weight' for the wedding. Also, the 'maybe' thing was regarding my fiance saying he thought 3 would be a good number...we're not completely set on that. I agree that it's way too soon ask people...I just wasn't sure how to let her know that.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbe130a8-9eb7-4b08-a97f-e23100504ccaPost:e5dc624d-fbaf-438d-b0e0-fb88bf504753">Re: BM Issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to clarify...I wasn't engaged when we were discussing wedding parties.  And no one has been asked yet<strong>.  However, she made the comment last week when I told her we were engaged that she needed to 'start losing weight' for the wedding.</strong> Also, the 'maybe' thing was regarding my fiance saying he thought 3 would be a good number...we're not completely set on that. I agree that it's way too soon ask people...I just wasn't sure how to let her know that.
Posted by kt126406[/QUOTE]

Ok, between this and telling her she's a "maybe", why in God's name is this girl friends with you?

mandybear7

Hahah. It's like when we were in 5th grade and you hand out those "best friend" necklaces and one girl doesn't get one.

Be honest and say you haven't picked anyone yet. Then don't pick for awhile. If things end up uneven, oh well.

bablingbrooke

I don't think OP told her she needed to lose weight; rather the girl said she was going to lose weight for the wedding.

emilyinchile

Meg, I think the maybe-BM said she needed to start losing weight, OP didn't tell her to. That's how I read it, at least.

OP, 3 may be a great number for your FI, but it has little to no bearing on how many people you will have on your side. And the way you let her know that it's way too soon to as people is umm, saying that it's way too soon to ask people. Just say you haven't thought about it yet and probably won't for another year.

megk8oz

I could be wrong ... re-reading it looks that way, but at first glance, it just seemed like "Um, whoa?" to me, anyway.

Well, either way, if I read it wrong, being told she's a "maybe" is still rude, even if the rest of the BP isn't decided.

OP, don't go telling anybody else that they're "maybes". Wait until you're less than a year from your wedding. If it comes up again a simple "Oh, we're too far out to be thinking about something like that yet" is fine.

kducharme

Kt, I definitely feel for you.  A year ago I was talking with one of my friends and we were being girls and planning our weddings (eventhough both weren't engaged).  A year ago we were a lot closer so we talked about being eachother bridesmaids.  Now that I am engaged she is assuming she is a bridesmaid, eventhough I havne't asked her and now it's really awkward because she isn't one.  But not for reasons of being a bad friend, she is just commited to more things and simply doesn't have time becuase of school and work.

I have been talking to several people about this and everyone says the same thing. Honesty is the best policy.  Also that people shouldn't assume being in the wedding.  As everyone on here should know, what you want to do and waht you actually do with your wedding are completely different things and everything changes once that ring is on your finger.

It's hard, but decisions have to be made and unfortunately people's feelings get invloved and hurt. Good luck