Lost my MOH over politics?

Dchacha413

When I first got engaged, my Grandmother asked me, right in front of my Aunt if I planned on making my Aunt my MOH since I was the MOH in her wedding.  This is where is all began...  

Over time it was never really brought up, however I always remembered what she said and figured since my Aunt and I were close I would formally ask her.  She accepted, but never really wanted to be bothered with wedding things so I just ignored it and stopped asking her opinions on things wedding related.  

I had finally chosen the bridesmaid dresses after I had talked with each bridesmaid about their budget, and most were excited when I sent the group text but my MOH never responded.  Instead I received a phone call from my grandmother yelling at me about how I chose a way too expensive dress my MOH couldn't afford and I need to change the dresses "now".  I let her know I was not going to change the dresses and no one had an issue with them.  Long story short I texted my Aunt/MOH and let her know that I want her in my wedding and I would pay for her BM dress ( I didn't word it like that, but you get the point), still no response.

During the pre-election her husband a hard core republican started posting non-stop Romney posts, I just ignored it, no big deal.  I posted one thing about Obama and how I supported him, and her husband started calling me names, saying I was a stupid hippy and a dumb ass. Okay, fine I ignored it again.  Then, all of a sudden my Aunt who I had been super close with for years turned into a I'm going to shove my beliefs in your face and if you're not republican you suck type of person, which I thought was weird but I figured she wanted to stand by her husband and I can respect that.  

Here is where she drops out...

I was talking to my grandmother on the phone and was I told her about my MOHs husband calling me names in a nonchalant way.  Next thing I know my phone is blowing up from my aunt and her husband telling me I'm a taddle tail and continue with the name calling, I only responded to my aunt after she said she was out of the wedding.  That hurt my feelings more than any name calling because we were brought up as sisters, we lived in the same house, we were really close.  Now I don't even know who she is, and I don't want to put the blame on her husband but I feel like a large part of it is because of him.  Now I'm scared they wont let their 3 year old daughter be my flower girl ( she is my world.) So that's pretty upsetting.

All and all I just don't know what to do, I want to talk it out with her she is my family but I just don't know how.  I really hope she had a better reason to remove herself from the wedding then politics or her husbands influence.  

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! 

 

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lost-my-moh-over-politics?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bcc7670c-3333-4a33-ae5f-015db84c2d79Post:420cde51-0545-4cdd-9342-d897b90c661c">Re: Lost my MOH over politics?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Lost my MOH over politics? : The bolded is why you lost your MOH, not because of politics.  Your MOH is going to stand by her husband in this, even if he acted badly.  I'd probably apologize for triangling your grandmother into the situation.  Facebook is bad for these kind of situations. I'm guessing if things escalate, your MOH will probably pull her daughter out too.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

There is a thing about the MOH standing by her husband but it is another to allow him to call the bride, her cousin and apparent close friend, horrible names incessantly.  But I do agree that Facebook can be the devil.

As for the Grandmother aspect, the MOH was the first one to bring her into the whole bride/MOH situation.  If the MOH had an issue with the price of the gown chosen even after the bride asked her for her budget she should have discussed it directly with the bride rather then the Grandmother.  In the same respect, the bride should have talked directly to MOHs husband about the nasty name calling rather then tattling to the Grandmother.

I think the bride should apologize for involving the Grandmother but make it clear that their constant name calling and harassment is hurtful and rude and very much uncalled for. 

It just amazes me that grown adults cannot speak to each other when issues arise (pick up the phone or go to the home) rather than venting to a third part (in this case their Grandmother) when they know that the third part will just repeat everything that was said.

Jen4948

It doesn't seem to me that the OP owes the grandmother an apology over the dress-either she stepped in on her own to yell at the OP over the price of the dress or the MOH asked her to do it instead of addressing the OP on her own about the issue.  I do think that it would have been a good idea to find out the budgets of the wedding party members before choosing a dress, but any objections to it should have been raised directly by the attendant in question and not third parties.

It does seem that the grandmother passed on the comments about the MOH's husband, and I think that discussing that with her instead of setting boundaries directly with the MOH and her husband wasn't a good idea. 

OP, I think the best course of action is to accept that your aunt is out of the wedding, not count on their daughter being your flower girl, and stop discussing anything at all, wedding-related or otherwise, with these people because they seem incapable of keeping their mouths shut.  Also block them on Facebook!

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lost-my-moh-over-politics?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bcc7670c-3333-4a33-ae5f-015db84c2d79Post:c4ce5062-bb98-466e-9142-ef4ba1e0a7d4">Re: Lost my MOH over politics?</a>:
[QUOTE]It doesn't seem to me that the OP owes the grandmother an apology over the dress-either she stepped in on her own to yell at the OP over the price of the dress or the MOH asked her to do it instead of addressing the OP on her own about the issue. <strong> I do think that it would have been a good idea to find out the budgets of the wedding party members before choosing a dress,</strong> but any objections to it should have been raised directly by the attendant in question and not third parties. It does seem that the grandmother passed on the comments about the MOH's husband, and I think that discussing that with her instead of setting boundaries directly with the MOH and her husband wasn't a good idea.  OP, I think the best course of action is to accept that your aunt is out of the wedding, not count on their daughter being your flower girl, and stop discussing anything at all, wedding-related or otherwise, with these people because they seem incapable of keeping their mouths shut.  Also block them on Facebook!
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

Jen - You are all over these boards and each time you either add in information that you "think" is going on behind the scenes or you are not reading the OP.  The bolded above, is exactly what the OP did.  She asked each BM separately for the budget.  The dress she picked was in budget but MOH went to grandma to express her outrage over the price instead of the bride.

OP - it seems that grandma is playing mommy between you and your aunt.  I don't agree with what your aunt and her husband are doing to you.  But both of you seems to be complaining about each other to your grandmother and then grandma tries to fix it.  Stop talking about your aunt to grandmother and if your grandmother tries to tell you something that your aunt said about you.  Just tell grandma you don't want to hear anything second hand.  If aunt has a problem, she should speak with you directly.

Hopefully this matter will calm down soon.  The election is over.  I do think your aunt and her husband owe you an apology.  Its fine for people to have differences of opinions in all matters, not just politics, but it is another thing all together to be called names just because you agree with a different side.

And as of now, if your aunt does not come around, I would think that her daughter would also be out of the wedding.

jemmini6

It's never a good idea to bring in other people into WR disputes (ie, MOH 'tattling' to grandma about expensive dress), but when OP mentioned to grandma about her 'uncle' verbally harrassing her about her political beliefs, that's not a WR topic and therefore, I don't think it was necessarily 'tattling' to bring it up.  I'm sure it didn't help, but really, I don't think that was a valid reason for the MOH to drop out of the wedding.

OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  I absolutely hate when people shove their beliefs down everyone's throats no matter what it pertains to (politics, religion, lifestyle, etc) and Facebook is a very effective method of doing that.  I don't think you should have to put up with it and although it's very sad that you are losing your MOH and your FG because of it, that's their loss because your aunt and uncle are being ridiculously immature and asshole-ish for letting politics interfere with family.

I don't have much in the way of advice other than to talk to your aunt and explain that you didn't bring it up with your grandma as a means of tattling, but that you were just hurt by all the remarks her H made and brought it up in casual conversation because you didn't want to get further involved in his pointless namecalling.  If, after that, she still refuses to be in your wedding, then I have no idea how to mend that rift...it's just ridiculous that she'd let her H's political beliefs ruin your relationship, and like I said...that's all on her.

Peledreamsofrain

Seriously? Two grown women running to grandma to resolve their own conflict? Seriously? Ignore your aunt, crazy can't be reasoned with, and you will only make things worse. Also, stop roping your poor grandmother into all the dirty details of your life. The poor woman deserves peaceful days, not jerry springer.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lost-my-moh-over-politics?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bcc7670c-3333-4a33-ae5f-015db84c2d79Post:6b6b687e-52e4-4201-bbcd-ce9cdee51312">Re: Lost my MOH over politics?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lost my MOH over politics? : I don't know about everyone else, but in my family, when my siblings have a problem with me and decide to go complain to my mother rather than talking to me directly about it, that's pretty much our definition of tattling.  And if I got a call from my mom tomorrow reaming me out for a Facebook argument I had with my grown-ass brother, I'd be pissed too.   I'm not saying that MOH and husband's behaviors are okay, but seriously, OP should have handled it like an adult.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>I do agree with that, but I still don't think that dropping out of the wedding is a proportional response to it.  This whole situation definitely could have been handled more maturely on both sides, but there's really no comparisson when you compare 'tattling to a 3rd party about being chewed out on FB over politics' to 'chewing someone out on FB over politics, then getting pissed that they told a 3rd party, then dropping out of the wedding because you were the asshole in the first place'.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm just sympathizing with the OP because even though she could have handled it better, it still majorly sucks that someone she's supposedly close to dropped out of her wedding over something this ridiculous.</div>

[Deleted User]

Ok, regardless of who is right and who is wrong (which there's a whole lot of wrong going on on BOTH sides), you still want to maintain a relationship with her and have her/her daughter in your wedding, correct? If that's the case, you need to apologize (in person or on the phone, not through text/email/facebook) for having gone to your grandmother over an issue that you should have discussed with her. Then you need to try to work out your issues with her. Don't attack or blame her husband and try to keep politics out of it (which should have happened in the first place - you can block people from seeing posts). Explain why you were upset but then explain that your relationship with her matters more and you want to mend things. Then see what she needs to continue this relationship.

If you're not willing to do the above, don't expect her or her daughter to be in your wedding. I highly doubt she's going to be the one to try to fix things.

Dchacha413

Thanks everyone for the advice, I realize going to my grandmother could be labeled as "tattling", however that wasn't my intension at all, it was just a regular phone conversation when my grandmother asked how things were going between myself and my MOH.  There are other aspects to the story that I didn't put into the post because I realized I had already written a book!  Basically just her telling my grandmother things she didn't need to know to stir things up, but again I ignored it.  I really wish things could have gone differently, and I did reach out to her a few times and asked her if I had done somthing wrong and she would never respond or answer my phone calls, its not easy to get ahold of someone when youre 200 miles away from everyone!  As far as the question about did I give her time to get the dress, I never gave anyone a set date to get the dress by I only said, "before the wedding please"!  I guess I'll try to reach out again and see where that gets me!

Thanks everyone! 

QueerFemme

There is so much going wrong here...  but, first, when grandma called and said auntie was complaining about the price of the dress, you should have said "Wow, that's surprising. I'll give her a call and discuss it with her directly".  

When auntie and her husband started calling you names, you might have considered blocking them from your FB.   If you want to continue a relationship with someone who has totally seperate politics than you, you can't really talk politics with them (and sharing that stuff on your FB is the equivalant of talking about it). 

And when you told gramma about them calling you names, you shouldn't have.  It should have been addressed directly to the people doing it, not extended family members.  "Hey Auntie and Auntie's husband, I don't appreciate the direct attacks and name calling.  We need to figure out a way to set our politics aside so we can continue to have this close relationship we have developed". 

But, now, those options are long gone.  Everyone acted like children and ran to gramma, and gramma acted like a child by choosing to get in the middle instead of saying "you two are grown ass women.  Figure this shittt out". 

So, at this point, you should plan on not having MOH or FG in the wedding and move on.   I think given the nature of this relationship and the name calling, etc., you probably will no longer have the opportunity for FB to be "your world".   At some point, they may come around and realize you all acted immature and you can get past it, but I wouldn't count on that happening before your wedding.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_lost-my-moh-over-politics?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bcc7670c-3333-4a33-ae5f-015db84c2d79Post:420cde51-0545-4cdd-9342-d897b90c661c">Re: Lost my MOH over politics?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Lost my MOH over politics? : The bolded is why you lost your MOH, not because of politics.  Your MOH is going to stand by her husband in this, even if he acted badly.  I'd probably apologize for triangling your grandmother into the situation.  Facebook is bad for these kind of situations. I'm guessing if things escalate, your MOH will probably pull her daughter out too.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

Listen to cove ... she's right!