Demoting a Bridesmaid???

Ashes90

I'm sure there's a thread on here already about demoting part of the wedding party but I made my own because I'm rather confused and worried about this situation. I feel like I'm about to go on an immature vent spree but I'll try my hardest not to. Please bear with me...

Originally, FI (correct context, right?) and I decided on four BMs and four GMs. Then it became five BMs and four GMs to honor his late best friend. Now, to save us some money, we've decided on three BMs and three GMs. We're putting some information about his late best friend in our ceremony program to honor him that way.

Trouble is, the fourth BM was to be a friend I made about three years ago in high school. I was a BM in her wedding, so it just made sense to include her. Unfortunately, she and I have not seen eye to eye on many things lately. She doesn't understand my sense of humor anymore (in fact, she rarely did to begin with) but she's still one of my closest friends.

Now, that doesn't mean she shouldn't be included in my wedding party simply because she doesn't get it when I try to be funny or whatever. But she's also kind of a bitch about it when I vent to her about something or when I DO try to be funny. It's like she thinks she's better than me because she moved to California and has a military husband and she's moving on in life at age 20. By the way, her husband is a friend of both my FI and myself but he's a real douche-bag. He wasn't included in the wedding party to begin with.

But that's only the tip of the ice-berg... I already told her she's pre-selected to be one of the BMs (bad move, I know) and what color dress she should get and what length. Also, she doesn't really try to talk to me, either. I'm always starting conversations with her on Facebook and what not. I know that's really stupid to think about but it's the age of computers, Facebook is the way of communication for a lot of people. Fortunately, I haven't talked to her about any of the wedding stuff for a small while (couple weeks) and the wedding isn't until 2012. So maybe if I STOP talking about wedding stuff to her altogether, it might dissipate any tension that could build up?

Or what about just giving her a different job in the wedding? Please help... I'm not freaking out about this just yet but I would like some insight on how to deal with this? Anyone else been in a similar situation before? How did it go? Thanks!

(By the way: The other three BMs are my best friend of 5.5 years and my two sisters.)

saisongbird

No.  Just no.

mkrupar

Ditto PPs

You already told her she was "pre-selected" (whatever that means) which is the same as asking. You can't demote her. Take Trix's advice and work on the friendship and leave the WP out of it. If the friendship ends before the wedding then she won't be a BM. Who knows you two could become even closer over the next two years.

bablingbrooke

"Pre-selected"?  What is OP, a credit card company?  Now I kinda wish I'd read it word-for-word...

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2777406-d91b-41de-b1bf-b6e31e49b108Post:4ac6a8e9-f992-4b94-aaab-080068a044d9">Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]"Pre-selected"?  What is OP, a credit card company?  Now I kinda wish I'd read it word-for-word...
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

No you don't.  I read the whole thing and congratulate those who were able to understand it.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2777406-d91b-41de-b1bf-b6e31e49b108Post:988fad1b-b43d-47df-9bf5-e896b8a6589a">Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid??? : No you don't.  I read the whole thing and congratulate those who were able to understand it.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

I did not completely understand it. There were lots of inconsistencies.

lalap69

I read your post.  Despite what you think, your situation is not remotely unique.  There is no way to "demote" a bridesmaid.  You're kicking her out, plain and simple, and that's not okay.  You asked (or pre-selected, whatever), so you're stuck.

Your wedding is 2 years away.  Wait until you're less than a year out to do anything else related to your WP.  Besides, if you've changed your mind that many times with this long to go, you'll probably just change it again anyway.

nda_roxybabe

Sorry, your situation isn't special or unique. Demoting a BM is a diick move.
Same rules apply.

aerinpegadrak

Unless she has 1) slept with or attempted to sleep with you or your FI, or 2) done something bad enough to warrant police involvement, there is never any possible combination of events that will make a bride who boots an attendant look like anything less than a complete and total bitch.  Even if you feel that a slight was friendship-ending, expect most people who get wind of the situation to take the BM's side, and expect that you'll possibly lose mutual friends over this.  Tie NEVER goes to the bride in these cases, and they are numerous.

And "pre-selected" bridesmaids is one of the silliest things I've ever heard.  If you've had any kind of discussion with her since getting engaged about her role in the wedding, she's a bridesmaid.  There's not a lengthy and intensive screening process before people are officially permitted into the WP; once it's understood by both sides that they're in, they're in.

aerinpegadrak

Oh, and I don't see how cutting attendants is going to save you money.  Don't do a limo, keep the floral options cheap, go with a cheap and casual RD, buy their gifts on sale or on eBay, don't require specific accessories which you will then have to pay for.  Poof, there's your money saved without insulting anyone.  The per-head cost of having attendants doesn't have to be huge.

mbcdefg

Telling someone, "You were pre-selected to be a bridesmaid, but you didn't make the final cut" is going to make you sound like a gigantic douche.

So keep your dignity and leave the bridal party the way it is.

megk8oz

Ok, we seriously see some variation of the "She/He was my good friend, but we're not close anymore, but I/FI was in their wedding, so I felt obligated to ask ... and btw, I hate the person that would be their date, can I kick them out?" on regular basis.

The only "different" thing in your scenario is you've tried to substitute the term "asked" with "pre-selected" (Did she also get 0% APR for the first 6 months?) ... which is just corporate-sounding way of saying you "asked" her, so your situation isn't unique or special at all.

You get the same answer as everybody else, Sugar Queen: if you've asked, and she hasn't tried to sleep with your FI or light your wedding dress on fire, you're beat. If you're 1,000% okay with completely ending the friendship, then by all means remove her from the WP and don't invite her to the wedding. But there's no way to you get to "demote" her to a pity position while keeping your relationship with her in tact.

Ashes90

Okay, okay. I understand. I'm sorry I seem to have upset everyone. I did not mean to do that. I've gotten a general consensus of friendship-ending, totally a bitch move, not unique situation at all answer. I get it; it would not be a good thing at all to cast her away.

Also, I didn't ACTUALLY think my post was unique; I did type out that I'm sure there are other threads like mine. I suppose I was just too lazy to go searching for them and for that, I apologize.

As for different numbers of attendants on each side, that does seem rather plausible. However, I honestly didn't know it was "acceptable" to do that. I am still learning the rules of wedding etiquette. And FI only wants three groomsmen and for some reason, I always pictured myself with four or five bridesmaids. It works out in the end, really.

The fourth BM and I just had a conversation about what's been going on the last few months between us. She's just been really busy apparently and hasn't had time for anything in-depth. I can understand that; I have a job and my FI to keep me busy.

Anyways, I apologize again for causing a bit of an up-roar. Again, I did not mean for that to happen. Thanks for reading...

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2777406-d91b-41de-b1bf-b6e31e49b108Post:7eea57c5-4cfe-4bc6-867f-0591777bf6a0">Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, okay. I understand. I'm sorry I seem to have upset everyone. I did not mean to do that. I've gotten a general consensus of friendship-ending, totally a bitch move, not unique situation at all answer. I get it; it would not be a good thing at all to cast her away. Also, I didn't ACTUALLY think my post was unique; I did type out that I'm sure there are other threads like mine. I suppose I was just too lazy to go searching for them and for that, I apologize. As for different numbers of attendants on each side, that does seem rather plausible. However, I honestly didn't know it was "acceptable" to do that. I am still learning the rules of wedding etiquette. And FI only wants three groomsmen and for some reason, I always pictured myself with four or five bridesmaids. It works out in the end, really. <strong>The fourth BM and I just had a conversation about what's been going on the last few months between us. She's just been really busy apparently and hasn't had time for anything in-depth. I can understand that; I have a job and my FI to keep me busy.</strong> Anyways, I apologize again for causing a bit of an up-roar. Again, I did not mean for that to happen. Thanks for reading...
Posted by Ashes90[/QUOTE]
Good for you!  Re: the part I bolded, this is why "how this will affect the wedding" should NEVER be your knee-jerk response, particularly with two years to go.  Friendships ebb and flow, people get busy.  It happens, especially if you've just finished college--people you were once joined at the hip with will go months without speaking to you, and that doesn't necessarily mean the friendship is on the rocks or she doesn't want to be in the wedding, your friendship is just evolving.<div><div>
</div><div>And yes--uneven sides are very common.  I'm willing to bet you've been to at least one wedding that had them but didn't notice because it's such a minor detail.  With regard to things like this, what you should ask yourself is, "What is the worst thing that will happen if I [have even sides/a guy on my side/different colored BM dresses]?"  There are no wedding police, and your family won't storm out in protest.  We had some pretty traditional old-world types at our wedding and even they weren't fazed by our uneven sides (and I don't think many of them noticed).</div><div>
</div><div>No need to apologize for anything.  Thanks for listening with an open mind, I think you'll be glad you did.</div></div>

jagore08

As for your concern on wedding etiquette, if you are considerate of your friends and family's feelings and treat them like people and not someone to fill a role in your wedding then you will be just fine with the rest of your planning.  

mbcdefg

You didn't upset anyone. I'm sure nobody here is thinking, "Ugh, I'm so personally offended that Ashes wants to do this." Rather, I'm pretty sure everyone here was answering your question from a standpoint of, "Oh boy, I really hope she reconsiders this idea so her friends don't get angry and she doesn't come off looking like a tool."

There aren't any "rules" to wedding planning other than to do all the proper legal stuff (properly licensed officiant, marriage license) and treat your guests/loved ones the right way (have chairs and don't make them stand at the wedding, be nice to them, don't treat the bridesmaids like servants, feed people who come to your wedding, etc.).

Just ask yourself, "Will it hurt or legitimately anger anyone if I do XYZ?" if you are unsure about something. It will not hurt anyone if you have an uneven wedding party, or if you wear a red bridal gown, or if your cake has a Godzilla cake topper ... and it won't legitimately anger anyone (even if your grandmother is horrified by the idea of a red wedding dress, it's a matter of your personal taste and it's not offensive).

It WILL hurt people's feelings, however, if you originally asked them to be bridesmaids but then tell them that you're cutting them out of the bridal party to keep the numbers even. It WILL inconvenience and legitimately piss people off if your reception hall doesn't have chairs. It WILL hurt a friend's feelings if you choose a $400 bridesmaid dress without asking for her budget input, and then say, "If you can't afford it then you can't ve in my wedding." Stuff like that.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2777406-d91b-41de-b1bf-b6e31e49b108Post:2080b598-8f92-4ed3-a870-1bbd0464dbaf">Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>You didn't upset anyone. I'm sure nobody here is thinking, "Ugh, I'm so personally offended that Ashes wants to do this." Rather, I'm pretty sure everyone here was answering your question from a standpoint of, "Oh boy, I really hope she reconsiders this idea so her friends don't get angry and she doesn't come off looking like a tool."</strong>
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

Exactly. I'm not "upset" with you. I just think you're overthinking a little bit. You've got your head on straight and you're handling things beautifully, so there's really nothing else to say except that you have the right attitude and just do as jagore said continue treating everyone like a human being rather than a place in your wedding. You'll always be happy in the end.

sboylan

Girl, don't apologize...we come here as brides asking for advice!  It takes another bride to understand some of the situations that can occur...and shame on people for insulting your need to vent and get advice.  You did the RIGHT thing...you ASKED for advice before you ACTED...good for you.  Too bad many people here didn't see things in that light first...

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2777406-d91b-41de-b1bf-b6e31e49b108Post:a7c00b02-13c6-4fb1-9af5-8c824338cb25">Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]Girl, don't apologize...we come here as brides asking for advice!  It takes another bride to understand some of the situations that can occur...and shame on people for insulting your need to vent and get advice.  You did the RIGHT thing...you ASKED for advice before you ACTED...good for you.  Too bad many people here didn't see things in that light first...
Posted by sboylan[/QUOTE]

Are you serious?

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demoting-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c2777406-d91b-41de-b1bf-b6e31e49b108Post:a7c00b02-13c6-4fb1-9af5-8c824338cb25">Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]Girl, don't apologize...we come here as brides asking for advice!  It takes another bride to understand some of the situations that can occur...and shame on people for insulting your need to vent and get advice.  You did the RIGHT thing...you ASKED for advice before you ACTED...good for you.  Too bad many people here didn't see things in that light first...
Posted by sboylan[/QUOTE]
She got advice.  What are you complaining about?  Or maybe you think that advice = validation and that an engagement ring means that no one can give you the N-O before the big day?

aerinpegadrak

Yay for a level-headed OP!  I should add that the best man didn't respond to any of DH's attempts at communication for nearly four months.  DH was under the impression that he had basically removed himself from the wedding, but I urged him not to do anything drastic and to wait.  Turns out the dude was just busy.  It does happen.  Now they're as close as ever, but if he'd gone ahead and told him that he was out, that wouldn't be the case, guarantee it.

And malphabet is spot on with her response.  All wedding etiquette really just boils down to "treat people nicely and graciously."  Twenty years from now, the one and only thing that people will remember about your wedding is how they were treated by the bride and groom, and you want those memories to be good ones.  If you keep your focus there, all of the other issues and details will pretty much resolve themselves.

mattycam

I am glad that through the discussion and advice given you realize that there is no need to demote anyone...especially when you are two years away from your big day! Kudos to you!

jemmini6

Demoting WP is pretty much a death sentence to your friendship.  FI was supposed to be a GM in a wedding this last Saturday, but because he could not attend the groom's bachelor party and had to leave the wedding early due to work, he was demoted to an usher.  FI still went because they share the same mutual friends, but pretty much every single one of them thinks he's a selfish tool now and he's almost sabotaged every friendship, not just FI's because of this.  We also didn't get him a gift.  FI told the groom that the $60 he spent renting his usher's tux was his wedding present.  I doubt we'll see him and his new wife anymore.

Basically, it's rude, immature and never okay.  You will look like a total bitch to everyone because you are.